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Soccer
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BREAKING NEWS!! Holy shit! Soccer is so corrupt that FIFA's president resigned a week after been voted in |
Not to be confused with Handegg.
Association Football (also known as Football to Limey cunts, the poor and Mexicans; Soccer to Illocigal fat retards and Koala shaggers; Commieball to Ann Coulter, and Divegrass to pathetic /sp/artans) is a playground activity that consists of people chasing a ball for 2 hours only to end with a score of zero-zero. It was invented by public school children in the Land of Poofs to determine which team would get to fuck the others' sisters. Losers who showed particular valour on the field got a reach-around.
Is there crying in soccer?
Yes, there is.
The world cup only comes every four years, and even players with long careers may only play in two or three world cups. But that doesn't mean they should fucking cry about it every time they lose. For example, take Cristiano Ronaldo: a famous young player from Portugal. He gets more money than a Hassidic Jew in one Speed Stick commercial and more ass than a toilet seat, and yet he cries like a little bitch. The reason is because he keeps getting sick of being pwnd in the ass by his teammates, and thus plays well in the hope they will finally get him out of the club. Instead, the only club he gets is up his ass every Friday night.
Victoria Beckham and the entire Argentinian team also became infamous for crying during the 2006 World Cup. That's right. Beckham's wife had to do his crying for him. He had failed to bring home a few other young studs for a gay orgy and one Gentleman.
Zidane was crying on the inside when Materazzi called his sister a whore that got it in the ass last night from the whole Italian side. FIFA decided in favor of the Italian, since he who speaks the truth deserves no punishment.
A little spank on the ass by their coaches and teammates usually cheers the "players" right up, though nothing could ever take away from the massive ignominy of having cried in front of a billion people because you couldn't get your ball inside the goal.
As a playing strategy, professional soccer players routinely throw themselves on the ground in a spastic tantrum. The objective is to make a perceived foul committed by a player on the opposing team appear far more egregious than it actually is because they broke down and cried rather than taking it like a man. The performance is reminiscent of a 3 year old child in the supermarket whose request for candy is denied.
How gay is soccer?
Epithets with explanations
- Goalkeeper — one who is nonconsensually fellated. Or might have a dildo up his anus.
- Defender — A player who tries to prevent sodomisation of his team mates.
- Midfielder — Any player who is fucked in the mouth and ass simultaneously.
- Striker — someone who sneaks up and then fucks you in the ass.
- Bend (it like Beckham) — British slang, where "bent" means gay (because it's literally "not straight").
- Dutchie — it is a proven fact that the entirety of the Netherlands plays way too much soccer.
- French — the entire male population of France is soccer mad, which is why studs are imported from Algeria. Unfortunately, most Algerians are Muslim, a religion that bans consensual sex with women except in Paradise.
- German — it is a know fact that Germans are playing the most shittiest soccer of all, but still almost always win due to unknown reasons
- Vuvuzela — BZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ!
- Goal — possibly rhyming slang derived from the idiom smoke a pole, meaning "to fellate".
- Score — this refers to penetration of the anal sphincter.
- Foul — Any act of heterosexuality during a match.
- Yellow Card — Too many penises in the mouth.
- Red Card — Liking women.
- Pitch — The field of "play." Alternately, an anal DP.
Popular soccer leagues
- Brazilian League
- Italian League
- Emo League UPDATE: No longer exists, killed themselves after realizing that they can only have have gay orgies in the lockers.
- French League
- b/tards League
Corruption
It shouldn't be a huge surprise to anyone that everyone inside FIFA are massively corrupt. But somehow the only country that doesn't do soccer set out to stop corruption and spread freedom all over the world, by actually arresting all the corrupt FIFA members. The corruption ran so deep that despite it only been a week since he got re-elected FIFA's president Sepp Blatter fucking resigned, just to avoid being exposed even further.
FIFA vice president uses The Onion as evidence
After being arrested for corruption, former FIFA vice president Jack Warner set out to prove that all of FIFA was corrupt, and he was like totally innocent. And what was his masterplan? To provide evidence from the satirical and unfunny online newspaper The Onion. Yes, the same one even your mom has wised so much up to, that she no longer shares it on Facebook.
Trolling the soccerfags
Have you ever been on the Internet and all of the sudden some British soccerfag appears? He's now speaking of OMG HOW COOL SOCCER IZZ OMGG!! Well here's the best way to make them epic butthurt, really trust ED; it works 100% all the time!
From here, you can obtain some smart quotes to make any soccer fan butthurt.
How to troll them? Easy. Pick any quote of your choice, copy it and paste it. In seconds you'll receive an epic butthurt. Follow the example:
—Jim Murray | ||
Previous Quote | Next Quote
All of these above and more can be located here
Practice
In order to master the game of soccer, one must practice. See the following for instruction:
Previous Video | Next Video
Lulz
Despite its inane faggotry, Soccer occasionally provides lulz. It's mainly when the bleachers collapse and half of Europe dies.
Previous Video | Next Video
Video games
Due to the significant correlation between soccer fans and gamers (as both have no social lives, girlfriends, or personal hygiene), video game developers have made amazing video games based on soccer. The Football Manager series is of particular note:
Console owners have a wide variety of games to choose from, varying from FIFA ## to Pro Evolution Soccer ##. The people behind the games display unfathomable generosity by endeavoring every year to release a new version of the games every season incorporating important roster updates. They also feature the opportunity to relive soccer's greatest matches, such as Israel's 2998-19 victory over the United States.
These games have spawned tournaments where gamers meet to try and win the tournament. There are no concrete rules, but similar to other tournament games, there are some unwritten laws governing tournaments:
- Italy only
- No cards
- No injuries
- Final Destination
Notable players
- Maradona - The fattest player the world has ever seen, scored a goal through a handball and made the goal of the century which attracted many fans, also was an ex-drug consumer, which is totally cool with me, dude. Although those 2 goals were what he is known for, he is adored by many football enthusiasts.
- King Pelè - First winner of 3 World Cups and famous teen fucker.
- Cristiano Ronaldo - Supposedly the best player in the world, even if he is too retarded to score a penalty.
- Mario Balloteli - Ex-Olympic diving champion and the main actor of King Kong, he has put his skills to use on the pitch.
- David Beckham - Jumped the shark at least 100 years ago and moved to Los Angeles with his wife and kids.
- Zinedine Zidane - Pwned some Italian with his slap-head. Got b& and made the FFF (Fucking French Fags) leave Germany with their heads hanged and their penises shrivel at the sight of the greasy nosed Italians dripping their nasal marinara sauce on the shint golden trap trophy.
- Frank Lampard - Famous for actually scoring a goal against the Krauts during the World Cup but wasn't validated by the ref because he was too busy looking at the hot Dutch Bavarian models.
- Robert Enke - German goalkeeper who accidently killed himself because he couldnt stand his own looks.
- John Terry - Was seriously butthurt after missing a penalty[like every good britfags does] and losing the Champions League last Thursday and started boohooing about it to Jew. Cheated on his ex-best friend's wife.
- Wayne Rooney - Scouser who steals and fucks grannies. Currently earning over 9000 a minute.
- Michael Owen - Overrated player who spends most of his time injured and warming the bench while bench-pressing Heskey.
- Ronaldinho - The man looks like a donkey. Srsly.
- Oliver KHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAN - German Goalkeeper, know for smelling like a monkey, looking like a monkey and behaving like a monkey, but with a lust for blood and flesh instead for bananas and watermelonz like regular soccerplayers/monkeys.
- Ashley Cole - Left many Arsenal fans butthurt for moving to rivals Chelski, resulting in much lulz
- DaMarcus Beasley - Negro with your typical crazy ass name. Famous for revealing his tiny niggercock while pissing in front of 560 million viewers that were watching the Jew Essay beat the Beaners, proving that not all black men are well-endowed.
- Franck Ribery - French Muslim player whose ugliness makes Rosie O'Donnell cringe. Also has a liking for underage hookers.
- Harry Redknapp - Not actually a player, but a manager who is a twitching cunt, and who continually lies to the clubs fans about commitment, leaving them butthurt.
- Paul Robinson - Too stupid to hit the ball, the video speaks for itself.
- Elizabeth Lambert - Female soccer player for New Mexico who became a YouTube star after pulling her opponent down by the hair. She has been suspended indefinitely.
- Thierry Henry - OMG He handled the ball at least 100 times! CHEATAR!!!!eleventyone1 REPLAY! Does shaving commericals with Derek Jeter
- Lionel Messi - Quite simply the best player of all time, even though he's a midget. Makes Maradona look like a patzer. Overrated like Maradona, failed a free kick in the world cup.
- Robert Green - England's greatest player ever.
- Samir Nasri - Left ARSEnal for extra thousands at City bank because he thinks he's a king after playing well for half of a season. Now he warms the bench. Check out his facebook page:[1]
- Muteba Kidiaba - Dancing Congolian negroid.
- Fabrice Muamba - HNNNNNNGGGGG
- Arjen Robben - Dutch Autobot as seen in the 2010 World Cup. Eliminated Mexico in the most soccery way possible for teh lulz.
- Pepe - Psychopath that dishes out total assrape then walks away like nothing happened.
- Andres Escobar - Murdered by angry Colombian fans after his own goal caused Colombia to lose to the US.
On the Internet
Soccer on the Internet generally consists of 13-year-old boys arguing for their selected team in a type of faggotry called 'banter'. This usually consists of:
- A: "OMG!!! MAN UTD R THE BEST EVRY1 ELSE IS CRAP"
- B: "SHUT UP YOU R WELL SHIT THATS WHY THEY CALL U MANURE LOL LIVERPOOL RULE"
- A: "HOW COME UVE HAVENT WON NOTHING THEN!??!??!?!?!!?!?!?!?!
Both participants can then leave feeling they've had an intelligent debate, and planning a career in sport journalism.
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Furries ruin everything -
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What did I said about Furries? -
Team abbreviation combinations
Ever tune to a soccer game and you see the mini scoreboard and you see that the countries' names are abbreviated, such as Germany is GER, Russia is RUS, Wales is WAL, etc.? These are the most funniest ones we found:
(By far the most funniest and most controversial)
- Nigeria vs. Germany (NIG GER)
Other, less funny combos
- Wales vs. Russia (WAL RUS)
- Finland vs. Germany (FIN GER)
- Madagascar vs. Farie Islands (MAD FRO)
- Barbados vs. Cook Islands (BRB COK)
- Bangladesh vs. Netherlands (BAN NED)
- Bangladesh vs. Germany (BAN GER)
- Haiti vs. Guiana (HAI GUY)
- Jamaica vs. Mauritania (JAM MTN)
more to come as soon as Anon wakes up
Gallery
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Captain of the Colombian football team 1976-79 Pedro Alonso López, well known by being loved by the girls. -
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Arsenal's Robin Van Persie shows us how soccer should be played. -
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Soccer is oppressed by the art world. -
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See also
 Soccer is part of a series on the ED Special Olympics |
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