Amy Schumer

At least no one can ever say she got ahead using her looks

	“	I used to date Hispanic guys, but now I prefer consensual.	„
	—The joke Amy doesn't tell anymore, too bad it was her only good one

Amy Schumer^✡, better known as "that bleached-blonde monster Jew-clit", is an female "comedian" who can't stop talking about her monstrous canyon-like vag and the shitty anal-fisting fest that she calls a "sex life" in a pathetic attempt to be the next Sarah Silverman. And much like Silverman, both can be described as ugly jews who alternate between trying to be "edgy" and turning their backs on the people who made them to pander to SJWs. Amy is also known to constantly pose naked to satisfy her exhibitionism under the guise of promoting feminism, much like Lena Dunham. But unlike Lena, Amy (thankfully) never goes all the way. In fact, if one was to describe her (and Silverman) they might say that she is a diet versions of Dunham. Less fat/ugly/jewish and not as big of feminazi as she, perhaps making her "better" in the same way that getting cancer is not as bad as contracting leprosy.

Less so than for her "comedy", Amy is known for calling herself a slut, bulling teenagers online for calling her a slut, continuing her proud jewish heritage by not just stealing Lena Dunham's entire persona but also other comedian's jokes, calling her lawyers to take down anyone's videos proving she stole jokes (she'll be coming for us next), and making a movie so bad it made someone go all James Holmes on a movie theater.

The origins of the monster

Looks like someone shaved bigfoot

As it says on WP, and this is too fucking bizarre to make up:

	“	Her father is the first cousin of U.S. Senator Chuck Schumer, making Amy Schumer and Chuck Schumer first cousins once removed. Her great-grandmother, Estelle Schumer, was a bootlegger in Manhattan.	„

So she's the byproduct of classic Jewish trades like criminals and kike politicians (which is just another term for criminals).

Career

	“	The last couple of roles I missed out on went to Jennifer Hudson, Jessica Biel and Olivia Wilde.	„
	—Shockingly, Schumer doesn't get many roles, unless they're jelly rolls.

How did she get "famous"? By winning standup-comedy competitions on MTV after failing to get into any of the earlier seasons and finally making the cut for season 5 once all the actually talented people have been eliminated in the previous ones. She went on to do a bunch of guest spots on various shows including, you guessed it, Dunham's "Girls", before finally having the leftists in the media see the potential in trying to make her "the voice of a generation" if their attempts to do so with Lena failed (they did), and gave her her own show, called Inside Amy Schumer. So named after the most mundane thing in the world.

While the press lauded over her for being the new media darling, the average viewer had a different experience...

“   Inside Amy is by far the worse comedy I have ever seen on television. Not funny at all. Very boring. Amy should be arrested for putting this show on television and wasting millions of hours of American lives. This show will be canceled soon because of how bad it is.   „     —Critic #1 - 0/10     “   Show was painful to watch. Not very funny, pretty bland in general. She likes to speak as if she is the spokesperson for women when she's only speaking for herself. Some girls actually love it when you cum on their face Amy, some even demand it. You sound like a lame lay anyway. Your show will be cancelled soon so maybe you can go back and work on your bedroom skills instead of just laying there like a fat cow.   „     —Critic #2 - 2/10     “   This show really comes across as hollow and extremely desperate. Every skit I watched made me cringe and even feel a little queasy. I felt like I was watching a fat, old clown drunkenly put on a song and dance desperately seeking laughs. Even though "offensive" comedy is the cool new thing Inside Amy seems too little too late. Amy hopelessly chases after the success of her male predecessors (Tosh and Jeselnik) doing these overly offensive skits, problem is these jokes are old now. Most of the jokes lost any shock value about two years ago. Don't waste you're precious time people.   „     —Critic #3 - 0/10     “   Schumer might have been "fresh" or funny 50 years ago, but her material is hardly shocking or clever. It's kind of hollow, searching, maybe a little desperate. Her material? Just common jokes you'd here from a bunch of guys hanging around at best. She's a real yawner. Talent? Average. No more than any smart person. She's just very lucky.   „     —Critic #4- 1/10 Previous Quote | Next Quote

The appropriately named "Trainwreck"

The source of her RAW POWER

Thanks to her "brilliant comedy", she talked Judd Apatow into directing a film she wrote and then went on talk shows and claimed she didn't "promote it" or "push it" to anyone, it "just happened" (despite openly doing all those thing). It's called, and this is not a joke, Trainwreck. That should be sufficient warning.

Yet again, the critics raved, the rest of the people? Not so much.

Less of a trainwreck than both Amy and her movie

“   Not a good sign when the funnier lines of the movie are delivered by pro athletes. An even worse sign when one of them is a wrestler. Amy Schumer isn't funny. Sorry, but you all need to hear it.   „     —Critic #1 - 0/10     “   What a revolting sleazy little film. So gross. So tasteless. So unfunny…..and all of it carefully packaged in an aggressively “How dare you not find this hip" ........ Not so much a film as a kind of desperate "commodity" for desperate times, like a series of really bad Saturday Night Live “zany” sketches at their ham-fisted, bottom-feeding worst. I walked out....who needs this garbage!   „     —Critic #2 - 0/10     “   TrainWreck - What an appropriate title. I felt I needed a shower after watching it. Guys, while each of us should occasionally take our spouse or significant other to a chick flick, this is one to avoid at all costs. I don't care how much LeBron or other athletes are featured, this is one disgusting trainwreck of a movie. It was just not funny... You could hear short bursts of supportive (I guess Amy Scheuer fans) laughter from the same pockets of women in the audience. I realize it was a chick-flick, and I was definitely taking one for the team, but I would have sat through 10 hours of "Fried Green Tomatoes" before seeing this disaster again... As you watch Amy Schumer and each of her conquests, one just can't help but think that each of these guys would fall head over heels over her, especially when the character she plays would be human petri dish of bacteria and viruses...   „     —Critic #3 - 0/10     “   Never has a movie title written my review for me. Today is that day and this is that movie. If you love CareerGrrrrrl Comedy with a dose of Bill Hader (who btw is pretty good in this role, a little like Ferrell was good in Old School), then this is your movie. For Me? The combination of Apatow, Schumer, and the rest of them are a waste of time and money. Apatow is a cliche of himself at this point and Schumer just wrote a movie as a vehicle for her raunchy comedy; which has about 2 min left of her 15. One day we'll look back at these movie making charlatans for what they are: zeitgeist deluded has-beens who tricked us all into thinking they were actually funny and not just show-biz lottery winners. The DVD is future coaster material.   „     —Critic #4- 0/10 Previous Quote | Next Quote

A movie so bad it makes you want to shoot yourself... and other people... literally

The man who saved a room full of people from having to watch the rest of that movie

In January of 2015, 59 year old John Russel Houser (AKA "Rusty") committed the heroic act of ending the suffering of a theater full of moviegoers being tortured by having to sit through Amy's disaster of a comedy. He did so by blowing the back of two people's skulls in who were sitting in front of him (that's what you get for taking during the movie) before injuring 9 other people and then giving himself the ol' handgun mouthwash.

Amy wasted no time making cynical use of the deaths of people who died because of her shit movie to promote gun control with her cousin's help.

No Schumer hambeast can say no to this!

The laughable photoshoot/photoshop debacle

At one point Amy decided that it would be smart to pose naked (again) and got on the cover of Entertainment Weekly. Minutes after the cover went live, Amy tweeted a picture of the cover un-airbrushed in what she must have imagined was an act of defiance. Realizing her callous mistake and feeling embarrassed by how fat she is, she soon deleted the picture and tweeted "Thank you to EW for not airbrushing me", as if that fools anyone.

Unable to deal with the nagging feeling that everyone knows she's lying, Amy got naked (again, again) for another photoshoot and this was the result...

She was called "Inspiring" and "Courageous" by the press for showing her "natural" body and undoctored body (#NoFilter), but everyone else just laughed at how fat she is and the fact that anyone at all familiar with the human body can tell this picture is photoshopped because there is no way this lardass doesn't have a cottage cheese butt.

Schumer is real tough... when picking on teenagers

When some nobody internet critic tweeted this at Amy, in spite of building her entire sad excuse of a career on calling herself a slut, she immediately responded with an outraged tweet, sending her horny fanboys after him to make him apologize and implicitly threatening to call his dad... oh, did we mention he was fucking 17 years old?!

Yep, Amy bullies teenagers online.

Amy steals all the jokes

The most recent drama involves Amy stealing jokes... ALL THE JOKES.

It was first noticed when there was a striking similarity between her Comedy Central special and a routine by the late, great nigger Patrick O'neal. Amy quickly denied it and all videos mentioning it began quickly disappearing off the web... only for people to find even more jokes she stole from even more comedians. She stole mostly from female comics (cuz why would a strong woman like Amy watch the comedy of men?... besides copying their material) and attacked one that dared criticize her and mention THAT all the jokes she stole are from comics she opened for or wrote with. But her thievery ranged across the board and included jokes from everyone between Marc Maron, to a MADTV skit to a fucking College Humor sketch.

To add insult to injury, Schumer not only delivers all these jokes wrong and fucks them up, she supplements most of them with unnecessary tangents about feminism, killing the jokes completely. It feels as if Amy watched all these comics' acts, laughed, and then got angry about something in their jokes, so she just stole them so that she could re-tell them and then force an uninterested audience to listen to her unsolicited criticism of the jokes she just told.

At the moment all videos and articles about this are rapidly vanishing, so get 'em while they're hot.

Pictures

WARNING! THIS IS A GALLERY OF SCHUMER'S DISGUSTING PICTURES. TRUST US, YOU DON'T WANT TO SEE THIS. OPEN AT OWN RISK AND DON'T SAY WE DIDN'T WARN YOU!

GALLERY OF HORRORS About missing Pics [Collapse GalleryExpand Gallery] Very, very questionable. Look at her flabby ass. All she can fuck are robots.

See Also

Enlarge to see snot dripping

• Sarah Silverman
• Lena Dunham - Amy is rapidly gaining weight to be even more like her
• Hack
• Unfunny
• Fat
• Hambeast
• Jew

External Links

• Wikipedia Article
• Official CC website
•  Her Twitter is a giant crashing bore. Nothing but "watch this new episode" and "watch that new episode".
• No, she's been in almost nothing else...
• "I’m Too Fat and Disgusting For Los Angeles!"

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