Fifty Shades of Grey: Difference between revisions
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===Advice for moviegoers=== | ===Advice for moviegoers=== | ||
No married man [[Shit that will never happen|will go see this film with his wife]], unless she wants a new babby that night. Hospitals have been advised to stock up on episiotomy scissors for November. This will be a national "girl's night out", so any single men that do pay money to see this dreck are advised to cosplay in a well-tailored gray suit. But only if you're already in a relationship, men, because that's the only men women want, another woman's man. So wear a fake wedding ring if you go alone. Males in [[Japan]] are advised to buy (more) used panties from vending machines and stuff them in their pants pocket before going to see the movie alone, because nothing turns <s>single</s> women on more than the smell of another cunt on a man (as long as he doesn't try to weasely lie about it like some pussy ass bitch). A man could also steal some used panties, otherwise known as "pull a James Ellroy." Or buy some from online [[College Sex Bloggers|sexblogging]] pantyselling disease-riddled whores. Wearing the panties on your head to the theater is ill-advised, but if you do be sure to film it for the lulz. | No married man [[Shit that will never happen|will go see this film with his wife]], unless she wants a new babby that night. Hospitals have been advised to stock up on episiotomy scissors for November. This will be a national "girl's night out", so any single men that do pay money to see this dreck are advised to cosplay in a well-tailored gray suit. But only if you're already in a relationship, men, because that's the only men women want, another woman's man. So wear a fake wedding ring if you go alone. Males in [[Japan]] are advised to buy (more) used panties from vending machines and stuff them in their pants pocket before going to see the movie alone, because nothing turns <s>single</s> women on more than the smell of another cunt on a man (as long as he doesn't try to weasely lie about it like some pussy ass bitch). A man could also steal some used panties, otherwise known as "pull a James Ellroy." Or buy some from online [[College Sex Bloggers|sexblogging]] pantyselling disease-riddled whores. Wearing the panties on your head to the theater is ill-advised, but if you do be sure to film it for the lulz. | ||
[[File:Red latex chik.jpg|thumb|right|Appropriate theater attire]] | |||
Nothing beats a classy well-groomed man in a suit buying a brand new pair of Victoria's Secret panties while alone in the mall, then going to see Fifty Shades of Grey and putting the panties on his head before he finds his seat in the movie theater. "What kind of movie do you think this is?" all the offended sluts will say. "A romance for the ages, I'm told." Don't be surprised if the film begins with a lame message to "Please be courteous to other audience members. Be sure to set your phones to vibrate, ladies. But we don't need to tell you that, do we? Do we?" Don't be surprised if every slut in the audience puts her phone on vibrate for the whole movie and constantly texts herself with another phone. "What did he just say? I can't hear over the constant buzzing." | Nothing beats a classy well-groomed man in a suit buying a brand new pair of Victoria's Secret panties while alone in the mall, then going to see Fifty Shades of Grey and putting the panties on his head before he finds his seat in the movie theater. "What kind of movie do you think this is?" all the offended sluts will say. "A romance for the ages, I'm told." Don't be surprised if the film begins with a lame message to "Please be courteous to other audience members. Be sure to set your phones to vibrate, ladies. But we don't need to tell you that, do we? Do we?" Don't be surprised if every slut in the audience puts her phone on vibrate for the whole movie and constantly texts herself with another phone. "What did he just say? I can't hear over the constant buzzing." | ||
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{{quote|I ring up the rope, coveralls, masking tape, and cable ties at the till.|Anastasia ringing up Christian Dennis Rader. No red flags there.}} | {{quote|I ring up the rope, coveralls, masking tape, and cable ties at the till.|Anastasia ringing up Christian Dennis Rader. No red flags there.}} | ||
[[File:Blueknots.jpg|thumb|right|Officially licensed 50 Shades of Grey Etsy bra]] | |||
The book will provide neverending inspiration for the music video industry and the preteen dance competition circuit for decades to come. Fifty Shades of a Grey is a [[cancer]] that will invade all forms of media, and people who are too stupid to still watch commercials will get to sit through a million versions of this smut, where [[Truth|winking Ad Men will use it to sell products]] such as cars, purple pills, cat food, diapers, paper towels, baby food, oranges, breakfast cereal, pistachios, and sunglasses. And they will '''RUN IT INTO THE FUCKING GROUND''' harder than United 93. If Chester Cheetah isn't wearing a blindfold, how is PepsiCo supposed to make any money? Those ads will of course all win Clio Awards, until eventually a new category is created: Grand Excellence in 50 Shades of Great Jorb, [[Jews|Juice]]. [[Psychopath|Shameless]] companies have already capitalized on the Fifty Shades phenomenon with ads for baby clothes and fabric softener. Srsly. Even it-puts-the-lotion-on-its-skin ad campaigns may appear, two dozen years late, because fuck everything, we've got lotion to sell. | The book will provide neverending inspiration for the music video industry and the preteen dance competition circuit for decades to come. Fifty Shades of a Grey is a [[cancer]] that will invade all forms of media, and people who are too stupid to still watch commercials will get to sit through a million versions of this smut, where [[Truth|winking Ad Men will use it to sell products]] such as cars, purple pills, cat food, diapers, paper towels, baby food, oranges, breakfast cereal, pistachios, and sunglasses. And they will '''RUN IT INTO THE FUCKING GROUND''' harder than United 93. If Chester Cheetah isn't wearing a blindfold, how is PepsiCo supposed to make any money? Those ads will of course all win Clio Awards, until eventually a new category is created: Grand Excellence in 50 Shades of Great Jorb, [[Jews|Juice]]. [[Psychopath|Shameless]] companies have already capitalized on the Fifty Shades phenomenon with ads for baby clothes and fabric softener. Srsly. Even it-puts-the-lotion-on-its-skin ad campaigns may appear, two dozen years late, because fuck everything, we've got lotion to sell. | ||
Revision as of 01:03, 14 February 2015
Fifty Shades of Grey is smut written by a bored British housewife named E. L. James. It was originally a Twilight fanfiction called, Master of the Universe but was removed from fanfiction.net, because she wanted to make money off of her poorly written erotica. E. L. James decided to share her sexual fantasies to the mainstream public by changing the names of the characters and publishing her piece of shit work. And so began the media sensation, "Fifty Shades of Grey" as every housewife within a mile radius of a store rushed to get it and a vibrator and get down to business.
It stars a virgin named Anastasia Steele who meets a millionaire named Christian Grey, and in typical porn fashion, they fuck and she can't get enough of his dick. Ana loves getting tied up and being his submissive bitch, getting wet every time he smacks her around and rapes her.
Despite the boring plot, the one-dimensional characters, and the poorly written sex scenes, Fifty Shades of Grey was proven to be an international success. Its target demographic: forty year-old housewives whose husbands are busy fucking the young secretary that will actually suck and swallow. This book provides fappable material for these sex depraved housewives who secretly fantasize about being slave whores to shirtless, well-built, male gardeners while their husbands are away fucking their cousins. It was bestseller of the year and is now forced into libraries and public education as a form of study and as a guide for women to read while bored in the kitchen.
Characters
Anastasia Steele: A boring, whiny, fresh-out-of-college virgin who, for some reason, every guy wants to stick his dick in. Despite never having masturbated in her life, she's able to lose her virginity with hardly any pain, and even gave a perfect blowjob on her first try. She constantly gnaws on her lower lip, which gives Grey a raging hard-on, and loves getting her ass kicked by him, having orgasms every time he practices his pimp slap on her. She soon falls in love with Grey for his "intelligence" and "charms".
Christian Grey: A 27-year-old CEO of some generic company that surrounds himself with blonde women as a part of his fascist sexual tendencies and his need to assure the public that he doesn't take it up the ass on a regular basis, save for when he was raped by his adoptive mother's best friend at fifteen, teaching him how to find pleasure in domestic violence and rape.
José Rodriguez: One of the guys who wants to bang Anastasia Sue. One night he gets drunk and nearly rapes her, but Grey stepped in to save her, telling him that she was his to rape.
Katherine "Kate" Kavanagh: Anastasia's roommate who is extremely open about her sexual encounters, constantly regaling Ana with stories of how many penises she was able to fit in all her orifices at once.
Plot
The plot, if you want to call it that, is your basic, "Aloof, naïve girl meets rich, handsome man with mommy issues. They have a lot of sex and live happily ever after in their mansion" story, save for the kinky fuckery and borderline-retarded dialogue.
—E. L. James knows how to subtly tell you what the book is going to be about | ||
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Erika L. James
<video type="youtube" id="Fpm_1iERyoU" width="200" height="180" position="right" desc="E. L. James claiming that she did research"/> Naturally, this shit could've only been written by a 48-year-old mother of two who should definitely stick to her day job. Erika Leonard James said that she did a lot of research on BDSM by watching enough porn that would make Quagmire admire her. Many doubt that she did much research at all considering that the sex scenes were extremely generic and uninteresting to people with healthy sex lives. Isn't funny that she's a fatass doppleganger of the Twilight writer.
In the days of Shakespeare, talent and literacy were needed to make a famous novel, but thanks to Erika and Stephanie Meyer and all the stupid fucks who buy into their bullshit, the only thing needed is a set of ovaries and the minimum of an sixth grade education. Her most used tools for writing the books was finding new synonyms on Microsoft Word to make up for her lack of sophisticated vocabulary and trying to make her characters sound upper class, that is, before degrading them back to cumwhores when she gets lazy and wants to get horny. By using repetitive words, pretentious word usage, and terrible story structure/storyline, she became an overnight millionaire. Much like her idol, she decided to milk the book for all its worth and create two sequels to it, Fifty Shades Darker and Fifty Shades Freed.
Her books are primarily composed of events that would never happen in real life. If any of the books happened in real life, Ana would be in a domestic abuse victim unit and Christian Grey would be behind bars for abusing dem virgins, unless of course it was staged somewhere else. It's a wonder how her husband can stand being around her. Perhaps he's into it as well.
Plagiarism
Fifty Shades of Grey is a poorly-written, shameless ripoff of the most beautiful tender love story of all time, Secretary (2002), starring James Spader as a fucking asshole named E. Edward Grey (COINCIDENCE??? You decide!) and Maggie Gyllenhaal as his submissive secretary bitch who just can't get enough of that rough, which he sadistically withholds from her while training her, that bastard. The film Secretary is itself based on a short story by rape victim, former stripper and former prostitute Mary Gaitskill, who considers Lolita one of her ten favorite books of all time, and "enjoyed beating off" to the Marquis de Sade as a loli. Srsly. Mary Gaitskill is, in other words, every female unmasked, the unchecked female sexual id which Islam seeks to contain, and men in India/South Africa/the US military seek to fulfill.
—Ms. Steele meets Mr. Grey. Lazy foreshadowing, or just more plagiarism of Secretary? | ||
Although, some experts cite the earlier Nine 1/2 Weeks (1986) as an influence, where a pre-potato Mickey Rourke turns an ingénue Kim Basinger into a sex slave for over 9000 9 weeks, based on an autobiographical book published in 1978 by a woman from Austria and a man from Wall Street, both the land of sick fucks. Other experts cite the even earlier novel The Fountainhead where the heroine Dominique Francon welcomes being raped by the supremely selfish Prime Mover Howard Roark, a man who later Erects a giant Skyraper, the symbol of mega industrialists, only to 9/11 it because I made you so I can break you.
In any case, a rich clean-shaven white guy douche in a suit (the uniform of Wall Street psychopaths and religious zealots) is gonna pretty much rape someone the whole time, and women eat this shit up. More importantly, women write this shit themselves. If you thought Twilight was bad before, you have no idea, since it inspired leagues of stupid cunts to convince themselves they could write anything longer than tweets or tumblrspeak. Fifty Shades of Grey was written by a Twihard mother with two sons having a mid-life crisis, using the name Snowqueen's Icedragon (Powerword: Erika Mitchell), and she put "all her fantasies in there" that her cuck husband Niall Leonard could never fulfill (not that he'd ever want to after she shat out two babbies). Fantasies like flying airplanes and being violently tortured and raped by a billionaire. You know, typical female fantasies minus the gangbangs. With the fastest selling paperback of all time, the female species have irreversibly revealed their hands gentlemen. And they want those hands in restraints. Preferably in a penthouse suite. But beggars can't be choosers ladies. But look, just because a female is carrying a copy of the book does not mean she enjoys rape or anything.
Protip: The empty suit of Anonymous is not a turn-on for wimmins, unless it's a dyke who's bridal shopping.
Fastest selling paperback of all time
Selling at least 100 million copies, Fifty Shades of Grey is the fastest selling paperback of all time and a worldwide phenomenon, since trashy romance novels and books where women get abused are the only kind of book most women any woman is interested in reading, and it's written at a 6th grade level just like most shipping. Christian Grey is a regular Prince Harming, a supreme edgemeister, and a total cishet shitlord (the author obviously didn't get the memo). And as a former TV executive, E. L. James is quite experienced with binding agreements. The sexual tension of the book and what gets wimmins adrenaline and blood pumping to their micropenises is an omnipresent mood of almost rape from a calculating charismatic psychopath up until fucky sucky, which is also why Hannibal gets all the ladies. If she doesn't feel in mortal danger of dying at any moment, she's just totally cold and numb down there. Violence works. Ask any terrorist.
—What did I tell you? Numb. | ||
—Christian Grey or Jordan Belfort? Leonardo DiCaprio as Jordan Belfort? Tom Cruise as Frank Mackey? | ||
In one fell swoop, Britbong cunt hero E. L. James redpilled every person in Western civilization, disproving decades of feminism, and dispelling the myth that women want to be treated as equals, or are attracted to men that treat them as equals. No, the fastest selling paperback of all time written by one of Time magazine's "100 Most Influential People in the World" only confirms what every forever alone male virgin has long suspected: all women are golddiggers, chicks like assholes, and the people in their life that told them to treat wimmins with respect were fucking lying and have horribly misled them since the 1960s, all for the lulz. Thanks a lot, hippies and school teachers with vaginas. Sick and tired and bored and deeply unsatisfied and unhappy with the status quo created by feminism, E. L. James blessed the world with a book that gives lost modern men a role model, a masculine ideal of who to be, and who women want men to be, in the billionaire sadist and abuser of women, Christian Grey. Not since H. H. "The Monster of 63rd Street" Holmes and his Murder Castle from Chicago's 1893 World's Columbian Exposition have so many women signed on the dotted line only to be treated like shit. So man up and buy rope.
Counterspell: Anita
The very existence of the book, and it's staggering popularity, is a thorny troublesome unavoidable fact for all females, like sand in a vagina. Even if they claim to have never even read the book 10 times with a bottle of wine and a bubblebath and/or Sybian. How to explain it away? But when have facts ever gotten in the way of wimmins' behavior? "I just wanted to see what all the fuss was about" is her go-to response. Fifty Shades of Grey (and quotes from the book) is the only known spell that can silence Anita Sarkeesian and stop her in her tracks. In the book, women are either victims of violence or sexual reward, which are her chief criticisms of videogames. But the book isn't misogynist okay? Because a woman wrote it, and it's about her feelings. Jeez. The book has sold over twice as many copies as Grand Theft Auto V, proving once and for all that men enjoy having the choice of abusing simulated whores, but twice as many women enjoy having no choice but to read helplessly as women get the shit beat out of them and beg for more.
Women: Busted
—fastest selling paperback of all time or /r/redpill? | ||
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Stop and imagine Christian Grey treating Anastasia Steele as an equal. Would females the world over trip over their clits to buy that shit? No! But feminists would be outraged, OUTRAGED that Anastasia wasn't being fucked like a dirty little girl, which all wimmins believe they're entitled to, no matter how they look. Maybe some in the BDSM "community" would say consent is what makes BDSM so hawtt (rather than the extreme power imbalance, taboo breaking, and violence), and that there's absolutely nothing wrong with the domination and subjugation of wimmins if that's what she asked for, like a battered woman who stays with her strong powerful man who beats the shit out of her.
Faced with the prospect of wimmins deeply wanting lords and masters, other SJWs must rationalize it away as just another matter of A Woman's Choice, as if being humiliated and becoming the embodiment of weakness is empowering, as long as you've signed up for it. In the words of every Drill Sergeant ever: hey ladies, this is what you signed up for. No, the only power the sub has is the Power of Attraction over the dom, the power to work the dom into a frenzy. Which is the power that all wimmins dream of having over others, the power to induce uncontrollable lust. But wimmins can never admit to their rape fantasies and wanting to be dominated because it makes them look like weak sluts, which they are. The clamoring for equality is all a scheme to weed out the weak boys from the strong men who rightfully don't give a fuck what women say and won't put up with their shit. You really gotta feel sorry for these poor creatures, always wanting to be man-handled but misguided guys treating them like human beings with respect and shit, rather than slave whores. It's a fucking tragedy joke, it's all a joke...
Little known fact: A majority of district attorneys have suggested bringing back stocks for public humiliation of female convicts, but it was determined they would enjoy it too much, so instead they've been suggested as a way to incentivize good behavior for women in prison.
What women want
The Mary Sue Anastasia Steele represents the evolved female libido in a nutshell: a naive little virgin being violently taken in every sense of the word by brutal foreign raiders armed with clubs and ropes (or whips and chains) who cannot control their lust because she's so fucking hot, of which modern wimmins are the fucked up descendants. Whereas the fat ugly ones are left to be eaten by wolves and watch animu and go buy this book and a zucchini (because much like moot they wish to be the little girl, instead of the big girl they've always been because their stupid parents let them eat too many carbs and sit around). After the release of the book, emergency rooms noted a marked increase in bruised hambeasts due to the improper mounting of sex swings and the inadequate structural integrity of coded buildings and failure to read the words MAXIMUM WEIGHT in their instructions. But sales of transport slings and cranes for landwhales have a bright future.
Fun fact: Many physicists claim the Twin Towers fell symmetrically at free fall speed due to the improper mounting of corporate sex swings at Cantor Fitzgerald.
Film
Are you too lazy to read this crap? If so, good news! They're making a movie out of it. Yes, there has been a lot of talk about the making of a Fifty Shades of Grey movie. According to the Los Angeles Times, the novel's film rights have been sold to Universal Pictures, so one is to assume that Fifty Shades of Grey will follow in its predecessor's footsteps and shit out a few poorly acted movies.
—Emma Watson (potential actress for Ana) telling people she'll go nude on camera | ||
After long wait the movie is finally here! Premiering worldwide on Friday The 13th, 2015 it's Jaws 19! Er, sorry, no, not Jaws 19, it's Fifty Shades of Misogyny, at least according to SJWs and feminists who have been screeching across the Interwebs for weeks about what a horrible and disgusting film it is (keeping in mind they haven't even seen it yet) and pointing their little grubbies in accusation at the actors, the film maker, the book, the writer, society and pretty much every god damn thing not nailed to the ground. On the flip side you can find endless reams of neglected housewives all a twitter like 16 year old Justin Bieber fan girls who simply can't wait for the live action version of their penultimate Mary Sue, self-insert, snatch-scratching, shlick-fiction; with it's totally unrealistic, overly idealized fantasies involving an incredibly boring, mundane, non-descript, every-woman that manages to somehow catch the eye of an edgy, young, beautiful, billionaire playboy who uses them as his personal sex toy.
The film is porn. And like most porn it features women being abused. But the sex is simulated. And they try to class it up with Audi product placement. And for maximum lulz it carries no trigger warnings. And it takes itself too seriously. And it's a massive embarrassment to everyone involved, which is why casting Christian Grey took so fucking long. Anastasia Steele is played by Dakota Johnson, daughter of Don Johnson and Melanie Griffith, famous for playing whores onscreen. Like mother like daughter. Christian Grey is played by a potato who has all the wealth of a billionaire but looks like his valet (aka every female's Mr. Right).
The film is one more step in the mainstreaming of porn and the pornification of all media, except most pornos don't have a budget of $40 million. In the past, there were distinctions between actresses and pornstars, but no more. The Fappening changed everything. In the past, trailers for actual pornos weren't played on morning talk shows and during the Superbowl, but no more, ever since half-kike Chelsea Handler made cunts drinking wine before 9 AM on TV au courant. However, the film is not rated NC-17 because the filmmakers are pussies and they wouldn't want to embarrass any of the ticket-buying sluts who read the book. The film is rated R so Universal Pictures✡ can make more money off of it, and so viewers can feel better about themselves for not buying advance tickets to see a XXX-rated Ana Boinks a Boundary-Breaking Blindfolding Binding Billionaire Cad Called Christian.
Fun fact: The film was banned in Malaysia for not featuring enough caning.
Release date
You think the film "adaptation" is being released on Valentine's Day for men? Hell no. Valentine's Day is THE MOST IMPORTANT DAY of the year for wimmins. Analysts predict the film will break February records and that audiences will be composed of at least 75% vaginas but definitely 100% cunts. However, if the film had been released on video-on-demand, the Jews would have made even more money, but they didn't want to scare off housewives from buying tickets. This live Cosmo magazine will supposedly give hoors tips on how to catch the man of their dreams or tips on how to spice up the bedroom later that night, when in reality she will be getting wet at all the other unknown men in the theater who thought taking a first date or girlfriend to this shit on Valentine's Day was a good idea, so audiences are advised to bring their own tarps. Fuck it, forget the tarps. The film's release date was decided upon months in advance due to every theater chain's mutual decision to reupholster in March. Damn it's good to be in the upholstery business.
—fastest selling paperback of all time | ||
Advice for moviegoers
No married man will go see this film with his wife, unless she wants a new babby that night. Hospitals have been advised to stock up on episiotomy scissors for November. This will be a national "girl's night out", so any single men that do pay money to see this dreck are advised to cosplay in a well-tailored gray suit. But only if you're already in a relationship, men, because that's the only men women want, another woman's man. So wear a fake wedding ring if you go alone. Males in Japan are advised to buy (more) used panties from vending machines and stuff them in their pants pocket before going to see the movie alone, because nothing turns single women on more than the smell of another cunt on a man (as long as he doesn't try to weasely lie about it like some pussy ass bitch). A man could also steal some used panties, otherwise known as "pull a James Ellroy." Or buy some from online sexblogging pantyselling disease-riddled whores. Wearing the panties on your head to the theater is ill-advised, but if you do be sure to film it for the lulz.
Nothing beats a classy well-groomed man in a suit buying a brand new pair of Victoria's Secret panties while alone in the mall, then going to see Fifty Shades of Grey and putting the panties on his head before he finds his seat in the movie theater. "What kind of movie do you think this is?" all the offended sluts will say. "A romance for the ages, I'm told." Don't be surprised if the film begins with a lame message to "Please be courteous to other audience members. Be sure to set your phones to vibrate, ladies. But we don't need to tell you that, do we? Do we?" Don't be surprised if every slut in the audience puts her phone on vibrate for the whole movie and constantly texts herself with another phone. "What did he just say? I can't hear over the constant buzzing."
PROTIP: For more lulz, while in your suit do your best dick impression and ask females in the theater what their safeword is.
—be sure to quote this to every female in the theater | ||
WARNING: If you're overweight this will backfire and turn you into a Lol-cow. But that's nothing new for you, fatso.
Contractual immunity to criticism
Fifty Shades of Grey definitively answers the question, "What female would want to marry Charles Manson?" #YesAllWomen. But don't accuse any female readers of this chickliterotica of being traitors to feminism or unwitting supporters of the Patriarchy or violence against women. No! While a few unfuckable women on the outrage machine known as Twitter are surely accusing the book and film of promoting rape culture or complaining that Christian Grey and his Red Room of Pain isn't ethnic enough, for the most part the book is hailed as the greatest possible expression of feminism, a woman filling all her holes on her own terms: when she wants, how she wants, with who she wants (ie. not you, a guy with more money than you, stupid). All with a contract and clauses and paperwork and signed consent forms to back it up! Now that's sexy! Sign here to be stalked. You see, a list of rules and a safeword makes almost rape okay. Why, it says right here in the Terms of Service you agreed to that I can rape you up the ass on a monthly basis! Anything less would be breach of contract! Who said corporate types don't know how to have a fun time?
Influence
This titillating Mommy Porn has also been a boon for various industries. More handcuffs, rope, blindfolds, duct tape, paddles, ball gags, zip ties, and spreader bars have been sold due to Fifty Shades of Grey than Neverland Ranch. And those instruments of sweet sweet dominance are truly what make women happy. I can picture the selfies on Instagram now. You will never see a happier grin than when a female is wearing a spreader bar, because she finally has been granted her Slut License. Paradoxically, the physical restraints free her from her bothersome constraint of free will, in true walking contradiction fashion. No longer confused by feminism, she now knows her true place in the world and where she belongs, in submission. Sales of giant latex vacuum bags, however, failed to meet analysts' expectations, except in Colombia and Florida, for different reasons altogether.
—E. L. James describing Ted Bundy | ||
—Anastasia ringing up Christian Dennis Rader. No red flags there. | ||
The book will provide neverending inspiration for the music video industry and the preteen dance competition circuit for decades to come. Fifty Shades of a Grey is a cancer that will invade all forms of media, and people who are too stupid to still watch commercials will get to sit through a million versions of this smut, where winking Ad Men will use it to sell products such as cars, purple pills, cat food, diapers, paper towels, baby food, oranges, breakfast cereal, pistachios, and sunglasses. And they will RUN IT INTO THE FUCKING GROUND harder than United 93. If Chester Cheetah isn't wearing a blindfold, how is PepsiCo supposed to make any money? Those ads will of course all win Clio Awards, until eventually a new category is created: Grand Excellence in 50 Shades of Great Jorb, Juice. Shameless companies have already capitalized on the Fifty Shades phenomenon with ads for baby clothes and fabric softener. Srsly. Even it-puts-the-lotion-on-its-skin ad campaigns may appear, two dozen years late, because fuck everything, we've got lotion to sell.
—A commercial for the Detroit Red Wings or Tampax? | ||
The vocabulary of Erika Mitchell
In the book version of the movie, the word erection occurs 19 times in this smut, which includes 16 instances of "his erection." As in, "Pulling off his boxer briefs, his erection springs free. Holy cow..." But the only occurrence of the word dick is in the phrase "dickless jock." There are zero instances of penis or pussy or cunt. Also, all incidents of the word cock appear in phrases where someone moves their head. For example, "cocks his head to one side" appears no less than 16 times. Was it autism?
—fastest selling paperback of all time | ||
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My inner goddess
The phrase "inner goddess" occurs exactly 58 times in slut trashterpiece 50 Shades of Grey. My inner goddess doesn't know how to feel about this...
—E. L. James suggesting that blowjobs could be mouthrape against men. | ||
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Holy Moses
Since E. L. James has a puny female brain and is also a former TV executive, but mostly because she has a puny female brain, her vocabulary of words for astonishment are quite limited, as seen in the fastest selling paperback of all time:
- oh (461)
- holy (160)
- crap (92) or crapola (1) (93)
- jeez (81)
- holy shit (54)
- holy crap (41)
- holy fuck (23)
- holy cow (19)
- holy hell (13)
- holy Moses (8)
- double crap (7)
- holy mackerel (1)
- triple crap (1)
—If this bitch doesn't have her fingers in hair, she dies. | ||
Assault
The word assault occurs 12 times in this filth. But you wouldn't understand. You just don't get it, okay? I don't have to explain myself to you.
Contrary to what wimmins say, but common knowledge to Boko Haram and sex traffickers and serial killers, females actually enjoy being kidnapped, tied up, held against their will, and beaten:
—fastest selling paperback of all time | ||
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Inside the mind of a middle-aged cumdumpster
In the interest of scholarly inquiry, other word frequencies in the fastest selling paperback of all time written by housewife and mother-of-two Erika Mitchell include:
- my (3772) or me (2695) or mine (121) (6588)
- he (3401) or he's (686) (4087)
- eyes (535) or eye (35) or eyeing (5) or eyed (2) (577)
- look (200) or looks (144) or looking (48) or looked (5) (397)
- breath (74) or breathes (67) or breathing (60) or breathe (46) or breathlessly (7) or breathless (7) or breathtaking (6) or breathy (6) or breathtakingly (2) or breathing's (1) or breaths (1) (277)
- feel (255) or feeling (75) or feels (32) or feelings (19) (381)
- hair (253)
- voice (208)
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Gallery
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Remove the vampires, change the names, throw in another setting, and keep the plot - no other alterations are necessary. -
A colored gentleman reacts to Fifty Shades of Grey. -
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What Fifty Shades of Grey teaches little girls -
Image reference of Christian Grey created using cutting edge image-generating technology. -
50 shades of gay.
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See Also
- BDSM
- Domestic Violence
- Shounen Maid Kuro-Kun: Only anime could manage to make shit like this even gayer
- Twilight
