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David Gonterman
.
David Gonterman, or Daveykins (as his female wish fulfillment characters call him), is the self-described "Internets most dangerous cartoonist." In reality, he's a middle-aged (born circa 1970) whiny furry and Gary Berghoff look-alike with a persecution complex.
DaveyKins is immediately identifiable by his cross-eyed characters, his artistic inability to distinguish between male and female bodies, his rampant self-insertion, his censorship of the swears he himself decided to include in his works, his brilliant use of literal words for sound effects, and constant use of his favorite made up word: 'phracking'. David really likes the word "Foxfire", and uses it as his "studio" name and his imaginary surname. He was planning to write a book exposing the evil that is Encyclopedia Dramatica, but like most of his projects, he appears to have lost interest because somebody jangled keys in front of him or something.
He used to be a reliable lolcow, but after 14 years of being told he's shit, it seems even he started believing it. He now makes fun of himself and will actually take suggestions on how to (relatively) "improve" his work. Despite his intentions, this only comes across as the anguished moans of a broken man who finally had his soul crushed.
—David Gonterman on this website |
Gonterworks
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Warning! A shitload of fail and broken dreams ahead |
Gonterfiction
David Gonterman started drawing comics and writing fanfics at least 100 years ago, and every single one will inevitably star a self-insert Mary Sue of DaveyKins himself. Seeming to finally realize that his drawings are horrendously bad, DaveyKins has taken to thinking he may be more successful as a writer. In this he is very mistaken.
[+]Lost Boy Found
Daveykins has recently self-published his first novel, "Lost Boy Found", which from his "cover art" clearly infringes on the copyrights of Disney. Moreover, the book's Peter Pan/Neverland discourse puts him right into Michael Jackson territory. He called on all his many fans to help him proofread it and offered free copies for them, but he warned "You must be willing to help me with the edit, and not just LUL over it like a retard from the Encyclopedia Dramatica."' The consequences of "LULing" are ominously unspecified but are bound to be dramatic. This novel seems to be focused on yet another DaveyKins self-insert who is BFF to Peter Pan from the Disney films (that he's aware Peter Pan was originally a children's novel written in the early 1900's is questionable) and predictably involves some Japanese bitch and many references to animu.
[+]Piasa Bird
His first fic was the Piasa Bird, a Power Rangers story that was once thought lost to the ages but is still available. This story introduces his Mary Sue character, Davey Crockett, who saves the day from some legendary Native American chimera only to have his arm shot off by a female Negro history teacher who hates his lily-white cracka ass. In fact the whole thing seems to have been written thanks to a black teacher who gave him an F on a report about race relations. This would not be surprising as DaveyKins is known to antagonize or kill off those who spurn him in fanfics, as if it would have any impact on real life.
Throughout the story Davey and his small group of privileged white friends bemoan their hardships in growing up in a "multicultural society" and comment several times on how unreasonable people of other races are. And apparently the nigras of the city continue to riot about some policemen beating a doped-up black man with night-sticks while a giant bird leopard dinosaur thing is destroying everything around them. It's supposedly narrated by "Zack" from the Power Rangers, I.E. the black one, whom DaveyKins apparently believes is extremely self-loathing. It also implies DaveyKins believes any black person anywhere would want to hang out with his honky ass. Seriously. If only we could make up something this fucking lulzy.
—David Gonterman (What the hell does that last part even mean?) | ||
Previous Quote | Next Quote
Ladies and gentlemen, you can now read DaveyKins's masterpiece right here on ED. Enjoy:
[[Expand to view Piasa Bird]]
Piasa
a modern-day retelling of a Native American legend
By David Gonterman
as told by Zack, formerly of The Mighty Morphin' Power Rangers
Period 1 of The Orange Ranger Trilogy
Directions for Reading: For best results, get Blood and Metal I with this file, and begin reading that file immediately after finishing this one. This is BAM's prequel and flows seamlessly into themain story. The story is placed in the Power Rangers Command Center. You will see it from the viewing globe as do the assembled [current] Power Rangers. The text comes from Zack's report of the incident....
A bronze statue of a young man holding a double-barreled sawed-off shotgun standsbefore what used to be the Piasa Bird monument at the Alton cliffs. The dude who that statue was made after stands before it, only he had a robotic left arm in place of the real one he lost in his modern-day battle with this creature from Native American legend. But the wacked part is that it wasn't the Piasa Bird that removed his real left arm, but the ethnic strife in the area that woke it up. I should know, I was around him when it happened.
The Piasa Bird is a legend students in St. Louis history get to know early. It was about a monster resembling a jaguar with wings and a tail long enough to do laps around the body. 400 years ago, this over-glorified canary showed up one day, and began snacking on the natives, until a brave warrior and six of his friends fought it off. The bird disappeared into the Alton cliffs and was never heard from again until a few weeks back, around the time that a racial riot that resembled the Rodney King incident broke out around here. What set it off was really predictable if you keep up to date in politics today, like my friend Jason does:
Two white cops had to use their night-sticks to stop a black gang-banger on PCP. The cops were tried but they were found innocent. The black community started to protest in the streets. The media did their spin on the whole thing. The Republican-controlled congress in Washington went on TV and warned people not to riot like the people in South Central did. One person got up and shouted something about a lack of compassion, or some other Politically Correct phrase. One thing led to another, and before anyone knew it, there was fighting in the streets, burning cars, and all-around rioting and looting in the heartland.
The part I don't get is that, if the main argument was black-vs-white, why did other ethnic groups had to get involved? Like why did some PC Thought Police idiot group picket the world opening of Disney's newest flick, 'Pocahontas?' What were they to gain by saying that a harmless movie is bad history? I mean, I have seen this film with my friends and none of us found anything wrong with it. Everybody was surprised to find a balanced image between Powahatan Tribe and the English Explorers, but that's getting out of the subject.
This is where our cyborg friend comes in, only he's not a cyborg yet; that comes later.
Our hero's name's Davey Crockett, a college student, aspiring artist, and chronic daydreamer. You'll won't know him, he's not the sociable type. My--ahem--sources tell me that he got a case of mental illness several years after high school; I guess that if you get nagged by your parents day in and day out to get a job that just ain't there in the real world, you'll sink into depression too. He's been doing okay now with counseling and Prosac up to the point where the PC mob at the theater caught him talking with me, Jason and Trini over the movie.
Man, it was a miracle that Davey got all four of us in his car and got away before they tried to scalp him, or whatever they had in their sick little minds for rednecks from the Metro East side of the Mississippi River. He didn't stop ‘til he got to his apartment in Granite City, where we decide to hide themselves in for the night; have a party too while were here.
Eventually, we all got close enough to tell each other our experience in trying to live in a Multicultural society. Although none of us will admit actually hating another group, there was a moment of two in each of our lives that race relations rubbed us the wrong way. For example, Davey had an African-American history teacher with way too much attitude last fall, who got up in front of the whole class and called him a racist to his face, only because he was sick and tired of having the slavery issue rubbed in his face like a bad dog that wet the bed. I said that she was full of B.S., and that he was definitely not racist in saying that. Angry, yes, but not oficcialy racist. Besides, my mother told me that it's just not right to visit the sins of the fathers onto their children. However, the question over Davey's feelings toward Multicultuarism will crop up to haunt him later in this story.
The next morning we went outside to hear people talking about how the earthquake was like. We didn't feel any quaking except for a train speeding by Davey's backyard now and then. Little did we know that one of those faint rumblings didn't come from any train.
"We didn't have the TV on then," I said. "We don't know about any quake!" "Must be that New Madrid fault line," Davey added. "It was about time it acted up." "I'm afraid that it wasn't any fault," one neighbor interjected. "This quake came from some sort of explosion from the Alton Cliffs. Here's the news feed on TV, come look for yourselves."
The cliff looked like the Oklahoma bombers practiced on it. A giant crevice appeared where the metal sculpture of the Piasa Bird once stood, spreading fifty feet wide at front and narrowing down some seventy-five feet before disappearing into black smoke beyond. The blast--if it were a blast--had not only leveled the visitor's center, which was supposed to be directly under the absent cliff, but it also dug a trench that leads into the river, pouring water into a dark cave where the smoke came out of.
Limestone was thrown all the way to the Missouri side of the river. It completely covered what was left of the road between the river and the cliffs, making it unpassable. Only a brave band of news reporters arrived to investigate what they thought was an earthquake.
"Great, just what Alton needs now," Davey quipped in the usual smart- alec manner when faceing things he has no control over. "Another natural disaster, as if the floods wrecking the cruise schedule of its gambling boats weren't bad enough--"
Suddenly a terrifying scream came from inside the cave. It was so loud that it made windshields shatter and the ground to shake. A gust of wind as strong as a hurricane spewed smoke, sulfur, and pieces of rock the size of soccer balls out toward the camera knocking it around a few times before allowing it to settle on the ground, still facing the cave. It had a perfect view of what came out of that cave.
The first to appear was a billow of flame, streaming out toward the water as if it came from a flame thrower, next was the horns, white and twisted, each like a twisted gnarled tree in winter. After that the fangs appeared, as large as elephant's tusks, but jutting upward from a severe underbite, one on each side of the flame throwing nostrils of its lion-like face. At each side, about five feet back, the wings sprang out of the mist. Each wing was thirty feet wide and webbed like a bat. They flapped with a force so strongly it uprooted trees as they passed by. They protruded from a white leopard's body. Fifteen feet long and standing seven feet tall, with claws as big as butcher knives.
Finally, snaking out of the cave, appeared the beginning of the tail, python green and forked like a snake's tongue at the end. Eventually that tail will measure seventy-five feet by itself, and it was still coming out of the cave before the beast came into full view of the helicopter camera, but it was no doubt in anyone's minds just what this monster that came from the bowels of hell itself was.
"That is the ugliest thing I have ever seen in my whole life! Don't look at him. You'll turn to stone!" "Holy! What on earth is that thing?" "I know what it is," Davey said. "My God. It's the Piasa Bird."
The monster shrieked in rage upon being noticed. It took off with those monstrous wings and went directly for the helicopter camera, its crew screaming in horror as it approached. While the monster attacked the camera broke free, and everyone who watched got to see the Piasa Bird feast on the helicopter pilot before the camera splashes into the river and sinks into white snow.
None of us took long in deciding what to do. Between Davey's knowledge on what this Piasa Bird was about, and the rest of us wanting to keep St. Louis safe from this local version of Godzilla, we've decided to destroy this creature, or at least put it back to sleep for another 400 years. The only question on our minds is how that thing woke up. Trini said that the inability for everybody to just get along got whoever counts as the Great Spirit pissed off and woke the creature. A neighbor who was heavy into New Age said that all the negative vibes that we all were giving off that woke it up from its slumber. Davey only said that it woke up from all the noise. Whatever. The point is that we have a jaguar with wings and a tail that can do three laps around the body trashing St. Louis like a Japanese monster movie, and unless you count us, there was not a Power Ranger in sight. Oh, hell. No rest for the wicked, I guess.
We did most of our homework while everything was going to heck on the news. We got a printout of the Piasa Bird legend, and read it for clues. >From the legend, we learned that 'Tweety' here is supposed to have a thick hide, almost like chain mail on medieval suits of armor, but it had a weak spot directly underneath the wings.
"That's okay is you're throwing spears at it," Davey noted, "but today we've got weaponry that will cut through that like a hot knife through butter." "Yo, Genius," I said, "did we have to print this out to learn this?" "We'll have that advantage," Davey responded. "We just have to find the Power Blaster to feed it with."
We couldn't find the Power Blaster. We did find enough guns and rifles to arm a small malitia, with a small fortune on armor piercing bullets, hollow tips, Black Talons, and many other illegal ammo that'll kick some butt. We also found a bulletproof vest for each of us. All this while dodging a riot that was still going on--you'd think that a bunch of inner city people will have enough sense to stop this "No Justice, No Peace" crap and duck inside their homes when a monster starts trashing their neighborhood! Sheesh! This would be a whole lot easier is we were in the good-old rainbow-colored spandex. One problem, though: What color would Davey be?
Now, this is when things really start going crazy. Davey Crockett is not one prone to risk life or limb. I don't think that he had something to prove to me, Trini or Jason, or this city, especially when his hometowm thinks he's a nerd. Yet, he said that he had something to prove to himself when he volunteered to stand alone in full view on top of the tallest skyscraper in the city, while Jason, Trini, myself, and several other volunteers were waiting in the wings to blind side the Piasa Bird when it comes for him. He said that he wanted to be someone that other Angry White Men can look up to; someone who is more then just a racist, sexist, homophobic, well, you know.
"I don't think that is the reason you're doing this," Trini said to him. "I think you have some Native American in you, Davey. If it isn't from your bloodline, you probably picked it up somehow." "Ah read many stories from them," Davey replied. "I know some of the Native American mythology. But I'm afraid I'm not as serious about it as you are, though." "I can't imagine why," she answered with a wink as she got into position. "They're serious about you. You'll see."
It was at the last light of sunset when the Piasa Bird streaked from the western horizon. It strafed the treetops with the speed of a jet as it approached St. Louis. There was not a light in the skyline except for the spotlights poised at the top of the tallest building, which was where it saw his next victim. With a shriek of delight, it picked up speed and attitude to take his prey head on. If it could notice, it would find out that its target for the night had on a bullet proof vest and an eagle feather tied to his SIUE cap. It would also see that his target, named Davey Crockett--as if it cared--was holding a sawed-off shotgun aimed directly at its head.
"All right, pal," Davey shouted. "What's on your mind?" Davey waited until both him and the Piasa Bird can see their reflections in each other's eyes before he pulled the trigger. It was nothing short of awe-inspiring. I thought, Zordon, put this guy in the Power Rangers now!!!
The Piasa Bird did a back flip in midair before landing before Davey, and then, looking him square in the eyes, swallowed the buckshot he fed into its mouth.
"Crud," Davey cursed. "Bad idea." The Piasa Bird pounced out for Davey, but at the last moment, he sidestepped out of the way of the talons and opened fire at it some more, setting it up for the rest of us to open fire at the sides. Some bullets bounced off the hide, some manage to intrude themselves between the scales, but others found the weak spot; the area under the wings that was unprotected.
With an agonizing scream that shattered the glass windows of that skyscraper, the Piasa Bird did another loop and plunged into the dark streets below. Davey watched the monster fall as long as he dared before vertigo overtook him. After a few tense seconds he turned to us and triumphantly cried out, "We did it!"
Without warning, and I would say on a cue, the Piasa Bird appeared out of the darkness below, snatched Davey up by the talons, and carried him off the scyscraper! Fortunately, the vest kept him from being impaled by the sharp talons. Even so, he was hanging from the Piasa Bird by its talons, nearly blacking out from the loops, twists, and spins it performed. He ran out of ammo in his shotgun, so he had to throw it away and reach for a handgun that he had in his belt. Davey aimed carefully for the chin of his captor, and what seened like an eternity trying to aim, he fired one Black Talon right up the Piasa Bird's chin.
The Piasa Bird's head exploded in a burst of blood, brain, and bone. (Dang, No wonder Black Talons are illegal!!!) It fell like a rock immediately, with Davey along for the express ride to the streets below.
I couldn't look to see the landing. I was too busy taking the elevator--it was safer than Davey's method of reaching Ground Floor--to find whatever was left of the Piasa Bird . . . and Davey.
We were almost at the place where they landed when we could hear Davey say, "Aw, Crud, it's you." Then we heard a gunshot. This is where that incident with that Black History Teacher comes into play, because It was she that shot off his left arm, with the same gun used on the Piasa Bird. Yes, with the same type of bullett too.
I was immediately pissed off at that woman for what she did. Davey Crockett saved his city and this is how they thank him? I tackled that witch to the ground and asked her why. She said something about getting back at his ancestors for what they did to her ancestors. I would've killed her if Jason hadn't pried me off.
I was still angry over Davey's condition though. I would rather see him dead than having him wake up with a good excuse to join the Klan. I mean, he had a future with that left arm. He was going to college to get an art degree. He was going to make something for himself, something nobody expected him to do. I went everywhere defending his case; It just wasn't fair.
Fortunately, I got heard. Somehow--I believe it was Zordon--made a state-of-the-art cyborg left arm for Davey. This one was special; it had a compartment in the lower arm with more gadgets than a Swiss Army Knife. He must've made it so that he woke up from the operation with that arm attached to him. He heard the mayor of St. Louis right above. "We did wrong to you, son," he said. "I won't blame you for hating us black's for the rest of your life." I held my breath for the worst.
Davey just smiled at him had gave him the thumbs up sign. I couldn't believe it. I just broke down crying. This guy's a regular prince. He said that it was okay, the city was safe, the riot was stopped, and the woman that shot off his arm's facing justice. That's all he wanted. Davey Crockett's a regular hero. He didn't need no stinking spandex, know any martial arts, or even have a Zord. Although now with that cyborg arm, he's his own mech now. Forget the Power Rangers, We've got Davey Crocket--King of the Cyber frointier!
They made that bronze statue of him in honor of that night, and placed it in front of the demolished Piasa Bird exhibit. They plan on reconstructing the place and put in another museum to hold the now two legends of the Piasa Bird. But for now, people just drop by the statue and admire what Davey did. Even Davey himself stands in front of that statue and thinks over what he did. He would have stood there forever if I havent yanked at him to "Let's go."
Where, you ask? Onwards. Place to go, people to see, and adventures to have, although none as dangerous as that Piasa Bird. Davey plans to return to college to complete his degree, then move to Angel Grove to persue a career. I wish him well. And Zordon, If you're reading this, I would like to thank you for what you did to Davey. May the power potect him. May the power protect us all.
Bridge:
Place: Power Rangers Command Center
Cast: All six current Power Rangers (Adam, Aiesha, Billy, Kimberly, Rocky,
and Tommy), Alpha 5, and Zordon.
Time: Immediately after Zack finished his Piasa report.
Zordon: I wish I could take the credit for Davey's recovery, Zack, but I cannot.
Rocky: You mean you didn't give him his metal arm?
Zordon nods no.
Alpha: AiYiYiYi! Something's wrong with Mr. Crockett!!
Rocky: That must be his robot arm, Alpha.
Alpha: It's not that at all! Check out these readings!!
Billy: Let me see those. . . . Davey Crockett. . . . Age: Physically, 26. Chronologically. . . I don't believe it. . . 102.
All: 102!?!
Billy: How can he be 76 years older than he
An alarm sounds.
Alpha: And that's not all. I've just detected a disturbance in the time-space continuum. I'm not sure, but I think it's connected to Davey somehow.
Billy taps on a keyboard: Affirmative. The subspace disturbance occurred last night, in the exact spot where Davey laid in a coma.
Zordon: I think I know what happened to him: While Davey Crockett's body was comatose in this dimension, his mind must be displaced in another dimension. There, he must have lived an entire life, in the span of eight real-time hours. I have detected chronal abnormalities like this one before.
Kimberly: Um, can you tap into that dimension Davey was in that night?
Zordon: I can, and I will also monitor his progress there.
Kimberly: Thanks Zordon.
Tommy: What's wrong, Aiesha? You've been quiet all this time.
Aiesha: Oh, nothing, Tommy. . . It's just. . . Oh, I just feel bad for Dave here. He just lost his arm because of what his ancestors did. . . It's just not right.
Zordon: I understand your sorrow over the political ramifications over his assault, Aiesha, and I am sure that Davey will agree. This I know, because at the end of his 'life' in that dimension he was lost in, I helped him return to this one.
All: You?
Zordon: Yes, at that time, the racial conflict caused by that event plunged your country into a second civil war, destroying everyone, even all of you. Davey can stop that from occurring in this world by returning to the present and stop the escalation of racial tensions from occurring. This he done, exceptionally well.
Aiesha: Cool.
Adam: So, you think he's Power Ranger potential?
Kimberly: Oh, get out! A seventh Power Ranger?
Rocky: Oh, you think Zordon was handing out raffle tickets. . .
Adam: Someone's needs to be the Green Ranger now that Tommy's vacated it.
Kimberly: Adam, he uses a shotgun against a giant monster. Do you see any of us use a shotgun against a giant monster?
Tommy: Besides, he looks like the type who would use that shotgun against the putties!
Zordon: True, but you don't know who gave him that shotgun, of to be more accurate, the Power Rifle.
Kimberly: You? No. Him? A Power Ranger?
Zordon: Yes and no, Kimberly. I gave him the Power Rifle, true; He needed it to defeat the Piasa Bird, and it proved useful in his adventures in that other dimension. He also has in his possession a Power Coin that enabled him to contact me. But Davey Crockett will not be an official Power Ranger, per se. His role in the battle against evil will be a different one that the one you all have chosen, but it is equally as important. He is destined to be a key player in several important events in the future, and will require some power of his own in order to win those events to the side of good.
Tommy: So, what's his Power Coin? And power, I mean?
Zordon: Mr. Crockett is known for his cunning and quick wit. I have chosen for him the power of the fox. With his power coin, he can operate a small sized morphing grid, which was the prototype of the one you Power Rangers use. He can morph into a fox form, and calI on a hovercycle and a jetpack. His robotic arm has continuous access to the Internet, where the majority of his powers reside.
Kimberly: One more request, Zordon. Can you show us where he got his cyborg arm?
Zordon: I'm glad you asked, because that event is just about to begin in the dimension Davey was in. Observe the viewing globe.
Kimberly: Whoa, a talking squirrel. This is too much.
Adam: Hey, I think I know what Davey's in. I seen it in a cartoon once.
Rocky: What's is that called? . . . ____________________
Okay, like I said, go immediately into Blood and Metal, and continue the storyline from there. Okay, I'll allow you to catch your breath and get a snack in between the segments, because I'm such a nice guy ;-). I'll play a comercial while I'll wait.
Piasa is the first story in what I'll call "The Orange Ranger Trilogy." It'll sandwitch BAM together, yet by itself, is a riveting polital thriller centering around Davey Crockett.
Period 2 occures 75 years in the future, yet Davey hasn't aged a second, as he struggles to find a way back to the present in an universe that could only be entitled, "The Age of Zed." You have only one guess who took over. You know what happened to 8 of the other 9 Power Rangers. You don't want to know what happened to the ninth--"Dragon Boy," the Green Ranger; the Other Tommy.
Period 3 costars everybody from Saban--all 10 Power Rangers (if you count Davey), the V.R. Troopers, and the new Masked Rider, as they battle an political evil that treatens to destroy all of them until they snip it in the bud. It's exciting action mixed with a political message of harmony among the races.
Racism. It's everybody's problem, now. Even to White Males. Mighty Morphin' Power Rangers--The Orange Ranger Trilogy. On-Line to you by the FoxFire Studios.
Mighty Morphin' Power Rangers and all chara's related (c) Saban Entertainment, Inc. The Orange Ranger Trilogy, Davey Crockett, and storyline (c) 1995 David Gonterman.
_______Also Available from FoxFire....Of course....
Are you so pissed off over ABC cancelling the Saturday Morning "Sonic the Hedgehog" cartoon that you would just love to find the dork responsible and roboticize him yourself? Go ahead. Do so. Noone from Knothole will mind. I'll take care of the series that left you hanging from my link to American On-Line.......
Sonic the Hedgehog: Blood and Metal
Through the mysteries of The Void, King Acorn found himself on the Planet Earth. In case you've been Off-Line this past month, he's the talking squirrel in the last scene. He sends the cyborg Davey C. back through that Void into Mobius to deliver a message to Princess Sally, assist the Freedom Fighters, and trash every bot that gets in his way, MA-17 style. Wanna hear a Swatbot scream? Wanna see Mortal Kombat Fatalities performed on robots? Wanna read about someone puking his guts out on the Internet? If you don't then you need not apply. Just send a subtle hint to Michael Eisner, Current Disney President and now owner of ABC to make more Sonic 'toons and stay out of AOL.
Blood and Metal can also be found in the WWW: http://rat.org Look for the On-Line HTML Deluxe Version coming soon.
E-mail any comments--flames, threats of lawsuits, and accusations of racism will be ignored, I'll let your tiny minds deal with such unworthy crap--to my address.
[+]Blood and Metal
"Blood and Metal Alpha" is the only installment that's readily available, which is sad because most of the wanky stuff happens later on. Others are available in zip format here.
"Haunted Fantasies" is arguably the most notable installment, if only for the sheer amount of time he spends BAAAWing about his childhood.
[[Expand to view Haunted Fantasies]]
"You can say that I was *not exactly* the most popular kid back home." Davey dropped back to ground level as the two redheads telepathically blocked flying debris. "Let's just say that I was the bottom man on the public school food chain. A pastor on earth talks about being tried for the charge of being unpopular and proven guilty. And the sentence is loneliness for the rest of your mortal life. <His voice lowered> That sure applied to me."
Phenix looked at Suni with concern in her face. "Teased and taunted all his life. Treated like a common animal by human beings."
"And *they* are supposed to be higher evolutionary then us."
"They were supposed to be created one notch below angels, ladies. Unfortunately, they forgot all that."
"Humph. That's obvious."
Suddenly, a large wooded paddle flied past the two hedgehogs, followed by a screeching woman's voice. Phenix screeched back. "Throw a stick at *me* will you?!" She pushed Suni back inside to Davey's arms as she whipped out her own Power Rifle.
"Phenix, No! You don't know what it'll do to Davey's--"
"That must be my mother. After Daddy Dearest fell down the rabbit hole, she wanted to make sure that I don't end up like him. . ."
Phenix shouts. "YOU SEE *THIS*, BITCH? THIS IS MY *BABY*!! I CALL HER MY 'PHOENIX FIRE'!!"
"She became overbearing, holding on too tight. She criticized every damned thing I say and do. She's try to criticize my *thoughts* if she could . . ."
"I CAN'T SCARF STARS AND FRY THE BAD GUYS LIKE MY X-WOMAN NAMESAKE, SO I USE *THIS* INSTEAD!!"
"My mother nagged me constantly! Nothing I could do was good enough. It wasn't just her; I couldn't seem to amount to jack snikt at *anything* in general . . ."
Suni just stood there stunned. She never heard of this child-bringing at all on Mobius. It wasn't even considered. To hedgehogs, foxes, squirrels, and any other critter on Mobius, their parents were always remembered, if they could, as warm and nurturing. "I just didn't *matter*. All I was to the world was a whipping boy. Someone to pin the blame on for everything that was wrong in their eyes."
But this? This was barbaric to her. Savage. Inhumane.
And Davey said that they were one notch below the messengers to the Gods?!
"Go ahead, hon. Blow her to hell. I'm tired of her screech!"
Phenix fired a series of shots, each sounding like lightning. The area outside the wall ignited with starfire. Davey could still hear her mother's shouts of anger as she pulled the trigger a few more times. Then the high-pitched shrill was drowned out.
"I thought I got rid of all that direct rejection of me when I left my parent's home. I end up being rejected because of my Redneck upbringing. I thought I got rid of that when I started College, I end being rejected because of me being a White Male Christian With A German Last Name, and therefore the source of all what's wrong in their so-called 'open' little minds. I thought I got rid of that when I shot that Piasa Bird dead. I thought I would be regarded as a hero. Well?" He holds out his left arm.
"And then you came here. To another planet. Surely you'll be away from it *all*. You'll won't be thought off by your skin color, or your upbringing. Surely you can be--"
"Robotnik's eldest son. Damn. The Worst Case of Bad Karma on Two Planets. Now I see what you mean."
Suni was by now sobbing on Davey's shoulder, sorry of her boyfriends lot in life.
"It's nothing I should bother someone else's life with."
"You say that *Now?*"
"It's *my* problem, P. I don't want it to make it anyone else's."
[+]American Kitsune
After this came the fanfic that elevated DaveyKins beyond the level of mere crappy Mary Sue writer, a little piece called American Kitsune the first sentence of which reads (you can find all the chapters here):
—American Kitsune, DaveyKins's masterpiece | ||
Keeping in mind that he was, at the time, in his 20s, this is terrifying. In this Power Rangers/Sailor Moon story, he further reveals his thoughts on race and also homosexuality:
—David Gontermen (Displayin' some homophobia) | ||
—David Gonterman (Ignoring the fact the Sailor Moon series is extremely pro-gay and features many gay characters and gay couples) | ||
He also sleeps with Sailor Moon as a dog, finds out she's his sister (in some kur-raaaay-zaaay abortion mix-up), and makes an insensitive atomic bomb joke in Japan. For this he was reviled by many people. Since Sailor Moon fans the world over now hate him, he in turn has decided he hates Sailor Moon personally:
—David Gonterman on Sailor Moon | ||
It doesn't help that he references over 9000 other video games, comics, movies, and TV shows, next to none of which made any sense in the story. The dumbest reference is probably the demon possessed car ("last time I'm buying parts from Stephen King") that also has a flux capacitor... srsly.
[+]Sally Protest
Perhaps the best known of the Gontercomics is the passionate "Sally Protest". It was penned in an indignant rage when DaveyKins went batshit because he thought they were killing off uber Sue Sally Acorn in the abysmal Archie Sonic the Hedgehog comics (turns out they copped out saying it was a dream or something, but DaveyKins probably thought he got it changed, thus labeling himself the "Internet's Most Dangerous Cartoonist".) He actually whined so much that Archie sent him a copy of the story just to shut him up.
The comic mostly centers around a poorly drawn version of Sally having wild moodswings like a typical woman, going between ranting and raving and sobbing hysterically because she's been killed off while DaveyKins's own sue Jonathan Brigsby and some black person named "MechTail" look on. During the course of the comic, DaveyKins sees fit to actually compliment people of the Archie team responsible for crap like the shitty Sonic comics and declare that all Marvel and DC comics (except for Image Comics) are garbage.
In the end, Sally Acorn ends up on the desk of the actual David Gonterman who announces that his ANGER over her death gave her NEW LIFE in his FANFICTION UNIVERSE. Sally then burns a bunch of Sonic comics for closure (it's as weird and creepy as it sounds.) This comic is another excellent example of DaveyKins's stunning habit of assigning his own opinions and emotions to other people's characters.
[+]Kitsune .44
Thought to be one of the earliest Gontercomics (only ceritified Gonterologists would know for sure), Kitsune .44 weaves the tale of Scott Trucker (a.k.a David Gonterman), a Texas Ranger who is transported to a feudal Japan via a tornado or something of that sort. It makes Inuyasha look like a historical documentary. Even though it is set in like the 16th century, people are not alarmed by the fact that "Scott" has a firearm, or the fact that he is a westerner who appeared mysteriously in a time when Japan was closed to the west, or that he shot the first person he saw for no clear reason. Luckily, since the guy he shot was supposedly evil, he is immediately introduced to the Local Lord by a little girl who psychically teaches him Japanese and enjoys fursuiting (which DaveyKins apparently believes is what geisha did.) David-er Scott is then asked to take on the Local Lord's archenemy - none other than dreaded "Tommy Gun Geishu". The comic thankfully petered out here.
[+]Sailor Moon USA
The gist of the plot is Japan blows up, somehow propelling Sailor Moon all the fucking way over to Saint Louis somehow without liquefying her body. She's caught by none other than Daveykins, and taken to a hospital. Sailor Moon's stupid talking cat shows up and bestows upon DaveyKins a convenient babelfish earpiece (a Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy rip-off) that allows him to hear Sailor Moon's moon-speak as proper God-given English. DaveyKins is somehow allowed to check the strange under-aged Japanese girl out of the hospital and take her home without any questions asked, and instantly upon entering DaveyKins's home/studio Sailor Moon begins to tell him at length how he's a better artist than every manga artist EVAR and how she should take him home with her. Did we mention she's attracted to DaveyKins and his mullet? Despite having a tall, handsome, college-aged boyfriend back home? Also that Sailor Moon is fully aware she's from a television show?
DaveyKins and Sailor Moon then get on a video chat, which we all know was pure fucking science fiction in 1996, since Sailor Moon's hero group, despite wanting to keep their identities secret, apparently has a website with a chat on it. The other scouts instantly get all wet under their skirts for DaveyKins's manly mullet and trucker hat, because as we all know Japanese women crave superior white cock, and decide he's worthy of using some Sailor Mecha Armor or some shit that they were saving for the first man besides Sailor Moon's boyfriend who happened to show up. Luckily from there the rest of the comic imploded in on itself.
[+]NiTRO
In response to all the MSTings of his work (nerd speak for making fun of people's fanfictions Mystery Science Theater 3000 style), he made NiTRO, where he hangs around in a space blimp (likely because he couldn't draw a spaceship to save his life) with a mannish bunny robot sex slave who gives him "Clinton Jobs" (both literally and figuratively), but only after happily waiting on him hand and foot for weeks or months before he even notices her existence (No. Seriously. This comic gives one a good idea of DaveyKins's opinion of women.)
Of course, before all this he beats up Pearl Forrester to express his rage at people making fun of his shit MST-style, breaks up with Sailor Moon, beats up an (apparently) female Sonic, and gets mauled by some random she-furry. All this beating of women makes one wonder what DaveyKins is trying to say here, or at least if he's implying he can only win in fisticuffs against the fairer sex. It should be reiterated that he and his femme-bunnygirl-robot sidekick/dutchwife/sex slave travel through interstellar space in a blimp.
The entire point of the comic seems to be DaveyKins just sucking his own cock, licking his wounds, easing his butthurt etc. It features a whole lot of other characters telling him how awesome he is and how jealous other people are of him. In it DaveyKins has also drawn himself doing things he must have assumed looked cool. The comic ends with DaveyKins and his transvestite perfect-woman-archetype bunny sex slave flying off in a space pod that looks suspiciously like a giant Pokeball to possibly assassinate the creators of Mystery Science Theater 3000.
[+]Night Soldiers
The main bad guy is the aforementioned hairy-legged succubus who vores people to death and steals their clothing, rather than fucking men in their sleep like she's supposed to. Thankfully, although the last page in existence reads "to be continued", Night Soldiers was never continued before it could reach its actual plot.
DaveyKins later attempted to adapt this comic to story format entitled "Lady Shazell" that he also submitted to a shitty Pagan web site. This so-called "Wiccian Romantic Adventure Series" [sic] never got longer than four chapters.
[+]Planeswalker
Oh, and the magic is based on cards, somehow, although no cards are ever pictured. Supposedly the makers of Magic the Gathering found one of numerous otherworldly books with a dumb wizard's soul inside and based the game on that. Those uncreative fucks. It's one of the few Gontercomics that stars not only a female, but one that possibly isn't supposed to represent DaveyKins himself.
From there Jamie becomes schizophrenic and constantly argues with herself, wielding insanely, unnecessarily powerful magic against petty criminals. While this is going on some evil wizards observe her from afar and... don't do much else. Jamie develops a mommy complex about the sorceress woman infesting her brain and the sorceress woman hangs around the house in Jamie's panties and training bra in some sort of horrifying Gonterverse version of fanservice.
Then some other people get a hold of another book with another wizard ghost inside it:
This comic was later revived by DaveyKins, and thanks to the WayBack Machine, the lulz are now accessible. Somehow, the main character kidnaps Link, turns him into an elf girl, and reveals herself to be some sort of dominatrix as she uses him/her as a sex slave. All this and more in horrible DaveyKins art styling. Ah, we're just kidding, what actually happens is the sorceress bitch kidnaps Jamie's best friend, turns her into an elf, dresses her like Link, and then molests her. ...Wow that's possibly even worse.
Part of DaveyKins's disclaimer/copyright information underneath each page of the comic gives one an idea of just how delusional he is:
—David Gonterman, Expressing that the people whose copyright he violated can use the comic only with written permission | ||
He also attempted to write a novel version of this thing and entered the first chapter in a contest that Wizards of the Coast held. Every so often, he threatens to enter again.
[+]Bakabreakers/Livewire Latte
—David Gonterman, (Doing his very best to avoid lawsuits. Godspeed, Davey-kins. God-fucking-speed) | ||
This is the strange, rambling introduction in Bakabreakers, a lesser known Gontercomic. This one stars a cosplaying, robot fox/catgirl (who seems like bunny-sex-slave-from-NiTRO-2.0) and, in his continuing attempts to frantically scrub away the stain of accusations of racism, introduces the notion that DaveyKins has a Middle Eastern Muslim friend who makes lighthearted references to Jihad. DaveyKins rants about his website going down and assures his many fans there will be moar comics soon. Why he chose to write a comic to tell them about it during a site outage in which he couldn't upload any comics is anyone's guess.
The robot Mary Sue goes on to cry about being stereotyped as a robot Mary Sue, and then we find out she's in love with one Adam Packbell who DaveyKins seems to openly admit is a self-insert by making Adam's nickname "Daveykins Foxfire" also.
Beyond that, what the hell is actually going on in this comic is another question entirely. We can assure you there is nothing much "phracked up" or controversial in it, save maybe that stereotypical Muslim guy, but he's pretty chill for a terrorist towelhead.
[+]Scarlet PI (formerly "Foxfire")
DaveyKins's latest project, displaying no improvement in his style and a further degeneration of his mind, is a true furry transformation fair and even better: it's updated regularly on devianTART! Oh boy! This one is a sort of re-envisioning of his ancient Foxfire comic.
This one features Jim Goodlaw (again, David), who in Foxfire was an aspiring cartoonist from St. Louis who got his ass kissed by Stan Lee at a convention after someone else told him his comics were crap (lol wish fulfillment, amirite?). Now Jim's character appears to have been changed to that of a tough cop who is all pissed off that even though there's a WAR ON TERROR and he graduated top of his class he can't get a job. DaveyKins, perhaps inspired by a recent watching of Queer Eye for The Straight Guy, decided that the best way to clean up his previous status as a big damn homophobe was to make the Jim Goodlaw of Scarlet P.I. TEH GAY. Even so, the plot continues much the same from there in both comics: Jim returns home, dejected, to find a package with a female fox fursuit in it waiting for him. Before he can fuck it silly, it starts talking, totally ruining the mood. The fursuit introduces itself as Susan Foxfire (to be inexplicably called "Scarlet" throughout the rest of the comic) and says she's a zoot, a symbiotic costume.
Even though she can walk around fine and all, she apparently needs Jim to wear her, otherwise she can't survive. And in the new version she needs his help to find out about this sinister lab she came from. Like a good sick fuck, he does this, and they have crazy adventures, all with Jim loving his new furry tits. DaveyKins soon forgets that Jim was supposed to be gay, or even be there at all, and the comic quickly becomes all about SCARLET, Jim obviously having just been a convenient plot device to get DaveyKins's hot vixen Mary Sue furry into the story.
The comic contains a lot of man on man-in-a-female-fursuit sex and something about the "zoots" being some scheme gone wrong thought up by Disney theme parks (why Disney would need to make a female fox costume with giant tits leaves one to wonder.) What any of this has to do with private investigation is beyond normal human reasoning. To give any more information on the plot would require reading the entire thing, many have tried, all have failed. The comic is stagnated with progressively worse (yes, possible) entries as David dedicates more and more of his small span of attention to his 'writing', where he thinks he'll be more successful despite regularly writing stuff like 'twoard' and 'phrack'.
—David Gonterman,The sound you hear is that of the jokes writing themselves. | ||
DaveyKins is incapable of ever finishing a single comic and always ends up starting something else that still crosses-over with every other goddamn thing he's ever done and so, true to form, he's now threatened to launch a magical girl spin-off series entitled "Stealth Princess Melody". And since DaveyKins can't write anything that isn't based off some pre-existing film, book, card game or animu the main character's costume design is a combination of outfits worn in Sailor Moon, Saint Tail, and Princess Tutu. To top it all off, she carries a gun that's been ripped straight out of the winniest videah game of all time: Portal. For this he deserves to be flamed into dust.
Things DaveyKins can draw
- Men (so all his women look like men)
- Mullets
- Cross-eyed people
- Sound effects
- Mullets
- Crap
- Differently sized boxes (to represent houses, cars, and faces)
- Big-Ass Mullets
Gonterdrama
The League of Extraordinary Gontermen
Although Davey-Kins's horrible-ass fanfictions and comics had been known to the MiSTing communities since 1998, he did not receive proper exposure until his faggotry was discovered by the Portal of Evil in 2000. Many lulz were made at his expense and a comic featuring the POE residents taking on DaveyKins and the related thread eventually reached over 9,000 comments (no, srsly). This was the exact moment DaveyKins became an Internet celebrity.
DevianTART dramarama
As of 19th December 2006, Daveykins promises dire consequences to anyone linking to this page (dire in the sense that he'll get them booted from DeviantArt):
—David Gonterman (Like most stupid TARTlets he thinks dA staff can police the internets) | ||
On December 28, 2007, one of his fanboys linked to this article claiming he mistook it for Wikipedia. It wouldn't appear that Davey-kins has banned him.
Since then he has been repeatedly bawwwing about how ED is a porn site and how much he hates the fact his article has pictures of male genitalia. Which is strange because it actually doesn't... So we decided to fix that:
Wiki's closed
July 31, 2007
No Wiki! For Good bleeping reason… Filed under: Uncategorized — DaveykinsFoxFire @ 7:21 am
I think I feel pretty much the lowest I’ve ever felt this morning. Just as I was about to get going on my second book when I got the word. Someone has hacked into my Wiki site and royally smucked it up. I’ll spare you the horrid details, but I’ll just say that it’s not safe for work, not safe for Disney, and not safe for human consumption. Let’s just say that it made the joke “The Aristrocrates” tame in comparison.
And then I looked at the date of the changes: July 20.
I’ll say it again. July 20.
I just received word of the vandalism TODAY!
I don’t know whom I should be angry over worse: The Radio Edit who put this up, or ME! FOR LETTING IT STAY ON THIS LONG!!!!
...I really need some support right now, because I’ve deleted the wiki, and I’m considering deleting the whole web site right now. I bust my tail off for over two years getting books written and published so I can, at the very least, earn something more than what I could earn flipping burgers. Right now . . . . it just seems too much for me to ask.
So Not the Draema
Still butthurt over the bannination of the Anti-ED-Club, DaveyKins took it into his own hands to bring light to ED's so called "luls" in his new book "So Not the Draema." No, really. In usual DaveyKins fashion, he couldn't be bothered to come up with a title not based on ripping something off (in this case, "Kim Possible Movie: So the Drama"). Note that in the subsequent comments on his shocking news, everyone tries to bash him with repeated reality, only to find steadfast denial on DaveyKins's part, creating more Lulz as they abandon him as the sinking ship he is.
In the aftermath of his latest anti-ED plans, many people tried to make David understand that in writing his book, he'd only be a target for more lulz, so, faced with so much rejection and denial, he set out to Delete Fucking Everything and cover his tracks, only creating more lulz with his justifications to do so, and even losing people who mysteriously supported him before. (Like drawing an actually decent cover for his book, only to have it covered with David's terrible 'art')
It should also be noted that Daveykins is attracting the attention of his fellow butthurt ED "victims."
ED killed Megan Meier!
At least that's what this loon says, in his most recent blog entry, where he goes on and on again with his bullshit about how writing his book about ED will magically stop all the trollin' and make everyone feel better, making him an Hero. It is worthy mentioning that he calls himself 'one of the top ten most flamed people on the internet', right up there with Chris Crocker AND George W. Bush, despite no one bothering to email him anymore since his brief stint of internet fame (he also implies in this statement that anyone besides himself actually refers to him as "Daveykins Foxfire").
As expected, DaveyKins's reading comprehension is poor and he doesn't realize Megan Meier was never on ED before she hung herself over MySpace, and ED exists to document internet drama, and if that's not internet drama, Anonymous doesn't know what is. Megan was done in by the mother of her ex-BFF pretending to be a teenage boy, and all ED did was report the lulz.
January 8: DaveyKins Day
On January 8th, 2008, a brave (and possibly masochistic) Anonymous on 4chan's /co/ board decided to embark upon posting the entire series of DaveyKins's FoxFire comics. This level of epic horror had not been felt by /co/ before, and it was decided that the sacrifice of the selfless Anonymous that posted the comics must never be forgotten. As such, January 8th was officially declared to be DaveyKins Day (G-Day), so that the world will not forget the horrors that were unleashed by the Internet's Most Dangerous Cartoonist. Suggested celebrations for DaveyKins Day include MST'ing his works and posting comments on his deviantArt account.
On the first G-Day, it was made known that DaveyKins actually has an Xbox Live account, and has been confirmed to exist by brave Xbots. Demonstrating a considerable lack of imagination, the username David Gonterman is apparently not fondly looked upon by Halofags. According to some accounts, he and his teammates tend to be "weapon-camping fucktards", which is not terribly surprising. Some of the fucktards with which he associates usernames include ErroneousLumen and XxXKarmacideXxX, but it's better to refer to their formal names, which are Fucktard 1 and Fucktard 2.
My Rep's a Lemon and I Want My Money Back
On September 14th, 2008, DaveyKins posted a new journal on his deviantArt account wherein he claims that he's looking into hiring a company that promises to improve one's Internet reputation so that he can reclaim his "good name." He also proceeds to whine about ED, claim that they (among others) are the reason he can't leave his past works behind, and proceeds to apologize for all the shit he's unleashed upon the world:
I’m sorry for writing ‘Piasa’ the way I did. I want to rewrite it and make it what it should have been (a domestic take on a Toho-style Godzilla movie) all along. I’m sorry for ‘Sailor Moon: American Kitsune.’ I’m sorry for making the original version of ‘BAM’ the quagmire it became. I’m sorry for all those half-assed works, both in word and in art, that most people troll me over. I’m sorry for getting so bogged down in the flack that I end up dropping projects and looking for a better replacement in areas that might not welcome me in. And I’m especially sorry for being an ass about it all. I wish I’ve never done any of it. I wish I could leave it behind–it is over a decade old, I need to say–and move on with my life.
And then, he lets loose with one of the lulziest lines he's ever put out on the web:
I want to be known for what I can do, instead of someone else’s lulz.
Gonterman Discovers Kickstarter
In August 2012, David created a Kickstarter project for a webcomic called The Ballad of Johnny Briz. For the low, low price of $2,500 (for "tools and supplies"), he promised to create a new and original story about Johnny Briz, a three-foot-tall anthropomorphic mouse who was IN NO WAY BASED ON ANY EXISTING CHARACTERS NOPE NOPE, and Amber, an animation student who decided to skip all that boring ink and paint stuff and just create cartoons by filming Johnny doing parkour.
For $15, contributors would receive a copy of the strip's pitch bible and a lifetime subscription to the strip--which, going by David's track record, would have been about two months. Only $75 $50 would get you an appearance in the comic, and for the unbelievable price of $100, you would get a printed and illustrated version of the pitch bible signed by Gonterman himself.
Unsurprisingly, the project's funding period ended with a whopping $37.00 pledged.
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No, he hasn't gotten any better. -
THIS COULD HAVE BEEN YOU! -
For $100, you could have owned something touched by this man. Aren't you sorry you didn't act?
Gonterquotes
Previous Quote | Next Quote | |||||
Gontergallery
Plz to be placing all the lulziest caps and pics that can't fit elsewhere in the article here.
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Daveykin's self portrait -
MUUUURRRRR scritch scritch -
Robot girl in Livewire Latte says "Just viiiiiiiiiii...it."
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Pi pi pi! -
Scary pic from Scarlet PI -
OMG, how can you not drool? -
Fursuits explained (the most popular picture) -
DaveyKins's world of boxes (2008)
Troll artwork
Lovingly Rendered Artwork for Davey-kins
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By TheGonterBeast -
By TheGonterBeast -
Foxfire comic redraw by TheGonterBeast
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Clinton Jobs by TheGonterBeast -
SHE'S NOT REAL DAVID. -
By
Huntergreen -
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Scarlet PI: tl;dr Edition -
Daveykins is famous for all the wrong things. -
What if David Gonterman was a ReBoot fan?
External links
- DaveykinsFoxFire
- gonterfans is a "fan club."
- David Gonterman on TV Tropes. It's a very respectful page and you can help by contributing to it.
- Foxfire "Studio"
- Livewire Latte, short-lived comic
- daveykinsoxfire on Gaia Online
- His recently created Myspace
- The lulzy blog post where he BAAAAWS about wiki-vandals
- So Not the Draema email
The Portal of Evil threadBALEETED, but here is a Wayback Machine link. (It only lets you see the first page of thread titles, but it's better than nothing.)- An interview with David Gonterman
- David [email protected]
- Johnny Briz Forum
Gonterarchives & dissections
Marvel at how terrible he's always been.
- The DaveyKins Shrine
- Jabberwock Dissections
MSTron, featuring four of DaveyKins's hideous works: Foxfire, Night Soldiers, BakaBreakers and PlaneswalkerBroke, mirrored here- LardPirates.com's Heckles section, dedicated to picking up where MSTron left off.
- A small collection of Gonterfiction including "Piasa Bird"
- MiST On the Ghost Planet: Space Ghost characters mock "The Mobius Chronicles" (Part I, Part II, Part III) and "Sailor Moon: USA"
Tributes
DaveyKins has fascinated and horrified the masses for ages.
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David Gonterman is part of a series on Visit the DeviantART Portal for complete coverage. |
  [It was a dark and stormy night...]
David Gonterman is part of a series on FanFiction | |||||||||||||
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David Gonterman is part of a series on Visit the Furfaggotry Portal for complete coverage. |