John F. Kennedy

Famous video game character

John F. Kennedy is a famous video game character who created drama after making a cameo appearance in JFK Reloaded. Kennedy was also a former president of the United States (and king of Camelot) who got us balls deep in Nam. He spent his entire career obsessing over Fidel Castro before being assassinated himself by CIA Agent Alex Mason at the end of Call of Duty: Black Ops, effectively turning Walter Cronkite into an Emo. Even thou JFK claimed to be a decorated World War II veteran, it was later proven that he played no role in the Call of Duty: World at War game. More controversy was also in the works after JFK, while in Berlin, admitted that he was a jelly doughnut IRL.

A similar conspiracy claimed the life of John's younger brother Bobby, who was killed for knowing too much about Marilyn Monroe. But another, cleverer NSA black-op effort to target Teddy Kennedy failed when the Massachusetts senator now rotting corpse cunningly managed to drown the young female assassin at Chappaquiddick.

Enemy killcam

Did You Know?

The original poster used to recruit the gunmen who weren't patsies.

• JFK didn't do Marilyn Monroe because she was easy, he did her because he was hard!

• The Kennedy family death curse inspired the "Final Destination" films?

• He had it coming.

• John F. Kennedy couldn't handle the mean streets of Dallas?

• Bobby Kennedy was killed by some guy who was probably a foreigner or at least looked like a foreigner and had a stupid repeated name (Sirhan Sirhan)?

• The Irish cannot be trusted with authority, liquor, females, cars, cars with bombs in them, Margaret Thatcher, Cuba policy, jobs that should go to real Americans of English descent, or television shows?

• If you make your vice-president a Texan, he will kill you in order to get the job for himself?

• JFK's sister created the Special Olympics, where you're still retarded if you win, kind of like arguing on the Internets?

• A cash prize ($100,000 or was it $10,000?) was offered for the first person to successfully play a video game in a way that matched the lone and insane gunman theory (a.k.a. single gun theory)? The makers got a cash payment from Teddy before anyone claimed the prize and then promptly pulled the game. Try to find the game, or most comments on it, and be prepared for a crapflood.

• John F. Kennedy was flagged for PvP at the time he was assassinated?

	“	During that tense flight from Dallas to Washington after the assassination, Jackie inadvertently walked in on Johnson as he was standing over the casket of his predecessor and chuckling... Of course, President Johnson is often given to inappropriate response—witness the puzzled timing of his smiles when he speaks of grave matters—but we must also assume that Mrs. Kennedy had been traumatized that day and her perception was likely to have been colored by the tragedy. This state of shock must have underlain an incident on Air Force One which this writer conceives to be delirium, but which Mrs. Kennedy insists she actually saw. `I'm telling you this for the historical record,' she said, `so that people a hundred years from now will know what I had to go through... That man was crouching over the corpse, no longer chuckling but breathing hard and moving his body rhythmically. At first I thought he must be performing some mysterious symbolic rite he'd learned from Mexicans or Indians as a boy. And then I realized—there is only one way to say this—he was literally fucking my husband in the throat. In the bullet wound in the front of his throat. He reached a climax and dismounted. I froze. The next thing I remember, he was being sworn in as the new president.'	„
	—Jackie Onasis

Why They Done Shot JFK

Some say that he secretly opposed the Vietnam War (although he ratcheted it up IRL), others say that he thought Israel developing a shitload of nukes might be a little dangerous and wanted to stop them (since no-one heard this theory until last Thursday it's probably right), and yet others say it was all because he wanted to out the super-seekrit space-alien-hunters at Project Majestic. There are about a dozen other theories. Who the fuck knows?

Examples of Conspiracy Theories

Sadly Lee Harvey Oswald never got his Ipod.

• Oswald acted alone
• Assy Hole Grassy Knoll shooter
• Dal-Sex Building Dal-Tex Building shooter
• A Secret Service agent shot Kennedy by mistake
• Drain pipe shooter (but srsly who would make themselves smell like shit to kill this guy?)
• IN SOVIET RUSSIA, CONSPIRACY DEBUNK YOU!!!!
• Titel Asstro Fidel Castro
• CIA did it
• FBI did it
• The driver did it
• Jackie did it
• W
• JEWS DID JFK
• You did it, you jackoff commie-scum!
• Kennedy got himself killed before the Soviets beat him to the punch (or just for the lulz)
• Kennedy faked his death

How to Troll Conspiracy Theorists

Artist's depiction of the JFK assassination as it happened.

• Tell them you think Oswald acted alone (vise versa for Warren Commission circle jerkers).
• Tell them they are wrong.
• After they reply with a 1,000 word essay on how they're right, just give a one word response like, "No".
• Make them play JFK: Reloaded.
• Joke about the assassination.
• Tell them Kennedy sucked at being president.
• Say that Kennedy deserved to die.
• Ruin their little forum debates by spamming "CHOWDAH!".
• Write your own theory, and after it gets followers, tell them you lied.
• State an existing theory as if you thought of it.
• Argue with them.
• Say LBJ was a noble man.
• Call the Warren Commission the most factual and accurate account of the assassination evar.
• Make a Jewtube video of the Zapruder Film and point out retarded shit (Example: HOLY SHIT! DA DRIVFUR TURNED AROUND! HE MUST OV SHOT TEH PWREZIDANT!), and on a sock puppet account, make a video debunking your theory. Watch the flames ensue.

Snapshots of History: A President Pwnt

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  JFK giving his infamous "Ich bin ein berliner [jam doughnut or maybe even sausage]" speech June 26, 1963 in Berlin. The crowd went fucking wild for no apparent reason.
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  Pwnt.
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  You think you're having a bad day?
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  The second gunman on the grassy knoll.

New and startling evidence

The following videos provide new and startling insights into the horrific and thoughtless crime that made a nation cry, beat its collective breast, and almost commit mass-suicide.

JFK Reloaded

JFK Reloaded funny bug

Physics fun with JFK Reloaded

Best Jfk Reloaded moment of all time

Previous Video | Next Video

Gallery

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  Showing everyone in Dallas he did.
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  HOW DO I SHOT JFK?]]
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  And nothing of value was lost

The truth

Lee Harvey Oswald killed Pres. Kennedy. Enough said. End of story.

See also

• JFK Reloaded
• Conspiracy
• Tinfoil hats
• Communist
• Jesus Christ

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Featured article November 22 & 23, 2013
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