Pittsburgh Paint Job

You ever have that friend that owes you Money but they haven't ovestept the bounds of you introducing the back of their knees to a Louisville Slugger, pounding their hand with a Ball-peen hammer or just going all the way and taking them to the fun zone of giving their fingers a one way ride on a circular saw?

Well if you want to play Made Man InThe Mafia there are rules to these kind of things and you can't start right out by breaking a person's legs or cutting off their fingers because, retard, how are they going to pay you back if they can't stand to work or have fingers to do their job with?

Yeah, we can tell by your furrowed gorilla brow that you might be getting it. Let's let that sink in for a Minute.

If you want to look like you have the sophistication of North East America and not the Barbarism of those Beaners from L.A., you will start with what is commonly referred to as a Pittsburgh Paint Job.

What Is A Pittsburgh Paint Job

A Pittsburgh Paint Job is that first step a "Classy Person" uses to ask the person that they loaned money to if they like a Fuckwit, if they we're born yesterday or if their Mother dropped them repeatedly on their head while they were eating Paint chips and licking lead flavored lolipops.

Usually done at night for the ease of approach and escape, they can be done at the riskier day Time hours to show the person, that owes the money, just how defenseless they are.

The daytime Pittsburgh Paint Job is usually the most effective means of collecting money owed because it says that the person repainting the debtor's car that they can get the debtor any time of the day. Can buy the police, parking lot attendants and pretty much anyone that might see them turning the debtor's car into a birthday candle.

One should not just ignore the night-time Pittsburgh Paint Job for the visible daytime version. First: There's the aestetics of a fire at night lighting up their front yard and getting the rumor mill moving about your debtor, in their neighborhood, such as the they owe bookies, drug dealors or loan sharks Money. Second: The night-time Paint Job has the value of psychological damage on the debtor's family in saying that you know where they live but more, it upsets the whole of the family harmony in that your recoloring of the family car has upset the family balance.

The wife will want, Demand to know why this happened, The Kids won't feel safe, will refuse to go to School and become clingier than a pair of wool socks. One little car fire in your debtor's driveway and you've turned their whole world upside down.

How It's Done

We do not advocate any of this. It is only for educational purposes as any Mafia novel based on the PA, North East Ohio and New Jersey areas will teach the same thing and this is how half of us learned this. The other half. Let's just say, pay them back on time.

OK Fucktards. You're committed to doing this and nothing's going to stop you because you think it'll make you look cool and somehow magically turn your pathetic, cat killing ass into Danny Greene and, somehow, overnight, you're going to take over whatever Shit water city it is that you live in. Just remember. Before you start , there are some important rules to follow.

• This is the most important piece of information and should be found out immediately. Which way is the fucking wind blowing? You want to keep the wind at your back so that the flames will blow away from you. What the fuck are we talking about? You'll forget this step the second you get there and light the car with the wind in your face, searing your lungs and leaving a dead body for the cops to find after your debtor has worked over your balls with a 9-Iron before calling the police.

• Lamp oil is the professional's choice because is sticks better and is more viscous - not vicious. Viscous or Viscosity measures thickness, or resistance to flow. Think Ketchup Ass Eater. Vicious is like that character in Cowboy Bebop - an asshole. The plus side of lamp oil is that it burns longer. Mostly, it actually comes down to aestetics. Some people like gasoline, others like to make garage napalm, yes it exists and no - we will not tell you how to make it.

• For the aid of speed, some mob enforcercers, or arsonists, like to put their choice of fuel in a 1 gallon weed sprayer and spray the car in a few seconds compared to the minute or two pouring the fuel would take. Just remember, the longer it takes, the more of a chance there is you'll get picked up by the cops and an even better chance of taking a bullet in the back from the car's owner.

• Light it and split. This is Arson bitch, not Pyromania. You're not there to get a nut. You're only there to send a message that you want your money, but like we said earlier, you're probably to dumb to take account of the wind and will breathe in the flames when you light it up, killing yourself.

• Final word of advice: No signatures asshole. The last thing you want to do is burn a gang sign Into a person's car telling the Police who did this wonderful work of fine, fire art. Remember. No tags unless you want to be going to jail 48 hours after you gave them your Pittsburgh Paint Job.

Things To Remember When Doing A Pittsburgh Paint Job

• Again, the most important thing is to have the wind at your back when lighting the fire because if the wind is at your face and you're breathing in when you light the car you will scorch your lungs and kill yourself.

• It is best not to buy from a small store. Actually the best place to buy the lamp oil would be an art store because they sell candle making supplies and supplies for hurricane lamps. No one will notice you buying 2 or 3 litres of lamp oil if you buy a few lamps. They'll think you'll be giving them as gifts.

• The weed sprayer. Completely invisible. Just go to a DIY store and buy one along with some weed killer concentrate. Remember, keep the role up and buy some tools and a Garden Hose.

• In this Covid Era remember to wear a mask along with a pair of sunglasses. Gotta thank the Government for giving us the perfect disguises. Do not wear a hat. It will draw attention, saying that you want to keep your identity a secret.

• Since we're working with idiots and have to state the obvious - buy other items that you might need for your house. At the DIY store, pick up some furnace filters and a plunger along with the tools and the hose to make it look like you had a reason to be there. At the art store, pick up some drawing paper and pencils and maybe some scrapbook supplies, just because you're into loan sharking doesn't mean you cant have hobbies. In this day and age when there are cameras everywhere, you want to look like you were there for more than something specific.

• Pay in cash Dickweed. Use a credit card and they'll know who the Fuck you are in less time then it takes to order Chinese food.

• Don't approach the person that owes you money. Let them put it together for themselves and for God's sake, if they come to you and want to talk to you about paying you after their car was on fire or try to pry info out of you about the car Fire - YOU DON'T KNOW SHIT. The Bitch is a snitch and is wearing a wire.

• This ain't a retarded Mafia movies where you tell the person that Mr X sends his regards. 100% of the time the recipient of The Mafia Art Work has a good idea who commissioned the work so there is no need for melodramatic sentiments.

The Positives Of A Pittsburgh Paint Job

When all is said and done - you have your money and your former debtor still has his fingers, your debtor can get their car covered under their car insurance, if they have it. So minus a deductible, everything is back to the way it was.

See Also

• Cleveland

• Crime

• Fire

• Pennsylvania

• Philadelphia

• New Jersey

• New York City

• Other exotic places!

• Youngstown

Pittsburgh Paint Job is part of a series on Psychopaths

[It rubs the lotion on the skin or else it gets the hose againOpen the box]