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Asa Coon
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Asa H. Coon was a 14-year-old goth and hi-skool loser from Cleveland, Ohio. A student at the ironically-named SuccessTech Academy, the ironically-named Coon became an hero for the ages on October 10, 2007 by going on one of the most miserablely epic fail school shootings in academic history.
"How i do shot scoolz?"
Using his all-black ninja wardrobe and Nintendo-honed splinter cell skillz, Coon successfully evaded the metal detectors and school security guards and infiltrated the campus while armed with a pair of straps. The Marilyn Manson-worshiping teen avenger then walked up to the classroom floor, charged his mighty layzars of pure hate, and began his final one-Coon crusade against the bullies, jocks, affiliates, teachers, bitches, niggers, spics, kikes and other retards that you would expect at a high school named SuccessTech Academy.
His first target of opportunity came up quickly. On his way to the kill box, Coon happened to bump into fellow student and American Bully Association member Michael Peek, who proceeded to punch him right in his faggot face. Not hard enough, alas; after shedding a few manly tears, Coon drew on his tormentor and shot Peek in the side. "What kind of homo shoots someone in the side?" gasped an annoyed Peek, as Coon proceeded to the next level.
Screams of terror greeted the goffik gunman as he appeared amid the students and teachers. With guns blazing, Coon then attempted to settle the tab with every em-effer in the school who had ever laughed at his eyeliner, scoffed at his trenchcoat, or disparaged his state of self-imposed loserdom. Fortunately for his fellow students, the hapless shock-rock fan was every bit as much of a failure at shooting people as he was at everything else in his mistake of a life — he didn't manage to kill a single person.
After hitting, but not killing four people with his badly-aimed gunfire, the batshit-crazy gothfag finally decided to put himself out of our misery. With a mighty sigh, Coon then killed himself, thereby saving the Cleveland school district the cost of three years of free welfare lunch. "Thpartaaaa!" he whispered, as the fatal blow hit home.
And so ends the legend of Asa Coon — teen, goth, and would-be mass murderer. We all wish him well in the afterlife — but let's face it, he'll probably fuck that up too.
Victims
There were four shooting victims who were barely even injured:
- Michael Peek, 15, shot in the left side. "Ow!"
- Darnell Rodgers, 17, wounded in the elbow. "Cut it out, Asa!"
- Michael Grassie, 42, shot in the chest. "That's going on your permanent record, Mr. Coon!"
- David Kachadourian, 57, shot in the back. "You are both suspended!"
Teachers Kachadourian and Grassie, as well as 15-year-old Peek, remained hospitalized in stable condition as of Thursday morning. Additionally, a 15-year-old girl sustained a knee injury while fleeing (LOL).
PROTIP: Respawning with something other than dual .22 revolvers will likely lead to more kills in the next round.
Root Causes
Most school psychologists agree on the root causes of this young man's recent bad choices:
- He was a white kid in a nearly all-black person school.
- He was a Goth and a Furry in a school where those choices, like everywhere else, are severely frowned upon.
- His last name was Coon. (Really!)
- His mother's last name is Loony. (Really!)
- His school has the most fucked up name of any school in the civilized world. (Thank you, Bill and Melinda Gates!)
- He liked to fuck other people's pets.
You have to wonder if, occasionally, some of the other students gave him a tough time about his name and all that other shit. (Just think if he ever used his mother's name in the currently fashionable Jar Jar Binks hyphenated style: Asa Looney-Coon.) Given the totality of all those fucked up names, you have to wonder if this whole thing isn't some cleverly promoted urban legend.
Actually, Scientologists agree that Mr. Coon was to some extent "bullied" by his non-Caucasian classmates. What they call "bullying" is called by the children "Daily kickin' the shit outta that little chubby-assed white faggot who tried to stick his dick in Rodrigo's pit bull."
—LaToya Sparks, 15, Nigger, Sophomore, SuccessTech Academy | ||
CNN has video of 2 black person and a few black person getting interviewed. They also claim to have video of Asa trying to mate with Anderson Cooper's dog Molly, but everybody over there denies it. Also denied are rumours that Molly's newborn puppies have masked faces and striped tails.
Reaction
Bill Gates, founder of FailTech, was too busy shooting heroin in his dick and banging underage Malaysian hookers to comment publicly, but did issue this statement:
—Judas W. Antichrist, spokesman for the Bill & Melinda Gates Foundation | ||
Gates promised to sponsor inner city education programs to improve marksmanship awareness when he returns from his charity tour of Asia.
How Asa Failed
- He didn't kill a single person!
- Didn't aim for the head
- Only shot victims once
- Set off the alarms
- Painted his nails black
- Didn't send video to Faux News
- Failed to bring honor back to disturbed white boys who shoot up schools; as of this moment, an AZN is still the number one school shooter
- Died a virgin
- Was a Goth
- Didn't do it for the lulz
- Didn't have a MySpace page; what self-respecting goth doesn't have a MySpace page?
- Didn't lose his iPod
- Didn't arrange a press conference
- Didn't rape corpses
- Didn't single out black person or other minorities as targets
- Wore a pistol belt
- Used .22 pistols (what, no dualies available?), everything not starting with a .45 is fail, amirite?
- Did not have ops on #ed IRC
- Wore a trenchcoat
- Will never see that upcoming sitcom based on Geico's lovable "caveman" characters
- Didn't do shootings on 4/20
- SuccessTech is across the street from the Cleveland FBI office as well as Channel 3 News, yet he did his shooting in the school.
- Despite having plenty of ammo and despite waiting for the cops to get there, he did not engage in a fire fight with the cops; instead he shot himself in the head like the cowardly cunt he was
BLAMBLAM AND I'M LIKE OHSNAP!
Black Kid on CNN Talking About School Shooting
—ahanix1988, commenting on the second video | ||
—BangBangReload, presenting a dissenting opinion | ||
Fake MySpace
Some virgin decided to make a fake MySpace (BALEETED) and message everyone from his school, including his sister, with hateful messages. What a jerk!
Life Lessons
- Nigras are bullet resistant.
- Furries can't aim.
- 1 AZN > 3 Manson fans' murder/lulz potential.
- I guess he showed us. He really showed us all.
- Women need to swallow.
Gallery of Fail
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Asa Coon, winning a prize -
From the original fake MySpace -
Dude hes liek totally the Matrix -
Asa Coon at the little-used Cleveland White People's Funeral Home, October 2007 -
Little late to ask -
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Dead Coon Walking
See Also
External Links
| Asa Coon is part of a series on Dying Alone
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Asa Coon |
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[Xbox]
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| Featured article October 12, 2007 | ||
| Preceded by ZEN |
Asa Coon | Succeeded by Onideus Mad Hatter |
