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Wales
Did you mean England?
Not to be confused with Jimbo Wales or whales.
Wales, also called White Rwanda, is a ferry terminal which connects Britain to Ireland, and formerly a country with its own language). It is right next to England, and composed entirely of sheep, rain, dragons, an heroes, folk music and hobbits. Its capital is Cardiff, which looks good on the outside but belies an interior so decrepit that Glasgow sometimes fears for its position as the second most miserable place to live in Britain (after Belfast). The Welsh actually discovered America in 1170, which explains a lot. Not to mention a fucking shitload of Polish overpopulation, especially in super wanky Wrexham. Wales are cetaceans which are neither dolphins (i.e. members of the families Delphinidae or Platanistoidae) nor porpoises. Orcas (Killer Whales) and Pilot whales have "whale" in their name, but they are dolphins for the purpose of classification.
History and culture
The culture of Whales consists of a staple diet of coal, coal, beer, hating the English, valium, leeks, loving whoever is playing the English and corgis. The national food is the humble leek, although your typical Welshman is more likely to be found eating Welsh cakes. This substance is only marginally less indestructible than diamond, and about as edible. Wales has no famous musicians apart from a supposedly hilarious, rap-parodying band called Goldie Lookin' Chain, who are failing tryhards and Tom Jones. And Manic Street Preachers, Funeral for a Friend, Bullet for My Valentine, Super Furry Animals and the Lostprophets.
They did have a commie punk scene back in the day which pioneered under-amped math rock and under-amped girly emo with drum machines. If you ever spent time in an '80s college dorm with a "bohemian" girlfriend this may have been the make-out music that gave you ballistic diarrhea and impotence.
Wales actually has a load of history, the only problem being it was all written in Welsh and nobody gives a shit enough to translate it. What of Welsh history that is known largely consists of druids, rape, stone circles, murder, coal, and more druids. There is reliable evidence that the Lord of The Rings Trilogy gives us a brief insight into Welsh history but with more druids and sacramental wine. King Arthur supposedly came from Wales but they're probably making that up. Long ago, Southern Irish people came to Wales one day after being washed ashore in a drunken stupor. They introduced Guinness to the natives and left turkey-basters on the ground. This is sacred to the Welsh and the only way they procreate is by filling them with sperm and planting it in vaginas as most males are homosexual, similarly to England.
There is a book of Welsh history named the Maginobogidingdong which to the Welsh is much like the Bible only less full of damnation and more full of sheep fucking but about the same amount of murder. It was previously thought to be lost to the ages, but by the efforts of the wonderful Stevie Nicks and her band Fleetwood Mac it was rediscovered, after they found the book and made a song about a character in it named Rihanna. It was an epic Welsh tale of a woman and her horse, who is the mother of all British people today (except some English cunts in denial who think they are Aryan supermen). This is the reason why all Brits have bad, deformed teeth akin to horses.
At least 100 years ago Wales became a communist country led by mining revolutionary Stalin, in his dreams of domination. Wales is today ruled in the council Communist style with an assembly of ministers led by current First Minister Alan Cox Carwyn Jones. The problem is that this government is in denial that Wales is actually part of England (whales is actually a mammal) and only have built a few shitty modern art statues in Cardiff rather than doing anything as a result (at least that is their excuse). In Whales Microsoft is banned and all computers use Linux, setting Welsh technology back by 50 years.
However, although officially Communist according to the Stalin government who no one gives a fuck about, Wales is in fact the richest part of the United Kingdom due to the economical reliance on Catherine Zeta Jones, Charlotte Church royalties signed in the 1990s, and Welsh travel books as a source of national revenue. Welsh people often visit England and Scotland in horse driven carriages and mock the poor drug-dealers there, through being attacked by them the Welsh have resorted to dressing up in drag on Saint David's Day to make them run away in terror. Popular in the Welsh lowlands are "bards", gun-slinging outlaws that were the popular target of movies by Ancient British film-makers. They inspired the modern American Cowboy.
Wales is also home to the most stupidly named town in the history of the world. It is called Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogeryfingerlickingoodchwyrndrobwsupercalifragelystycysiliogogogoch, which translates to some mushy thing about churches and trees.
It is a well-known fact that whales have been subject to many attempts by the English to blow up the border and watch the country float off into the Atlantic, where it will sink. Offa's Dyke was an early attempt at perforating the Welsh border so that the principality could conveniently secede.
This defensive strike was later repeated at least 100 years ago by the people from the Wirral who dug out a moat (or in Welsh, the Dee estuary). This reduced attacks on livestock so well that they then added another moat (Merci estuary, which was later bastardized to Mersey estuary by the illiterate Scousers of Liverpool). This lead to the old English proverb: ‘Safe as a sheep on the Wirral.’ Which by percentages is not very safe, especially if Alan Cox is around.
National Anthem
To the surprise of many, Wales does in fact have a national anthem. Click to watch the Youtube video below, and remember, please stand and remain silent for the National Anthem of Wales!
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Religion
The Welsh believe they have strong roots to the indigenous Celtic people who inhabited their country a long time ago and therefore mostly profess Paganism, in which they worship the great sheep god naked in the rain and talk in a stupid voice. They avoid Christianity due to it being the official religion of England. This is the typical fallacious Celtophilic bullshit because the indigenous Celts were converted to Christianity hundreds of years before the English. Whales' co-official religions are the Church in Wales (Anglican Christianity) and Hinduism due to the high population of immigrant Indians.
Animal Husbandry
—Traditional Welsh joke. | ||
Many people in whales are allegedly the descendants of sheep. This is widely known due to the many cases of sheep shagging seen by tourists on unwitting trips to this stricken wasteland. Their harsh language is also slightly accredited to this as sheep aren't accustomed to speaking English. The Welsh argue that there are a number of advantages to sheep shagging, including:
- The wool provides good cushion for the pushin' as long as you don't mind dingleberries.
- Take them to edges of cliffs and they push back harder
- You don't have to make sure the sheep is 'pleasured' after you 'blow your load', though many Welshmen choose to ignore this.
- We shag them, you eat them. Achub fi, semen is the best meat tenderizer.
On the downside, according to Welshmen, the growth in sheep shagging activity in the past few years has seen a 43% increase in recorded instances of 'Pooey Shlongs', which have left many a Welshman with a nasty taste in his mouth in the pub afterwards.
This problem has got to the point where it is now a growing business and made almost legal. Many pimps are grooming sheep for prostitution and because the Welsh love their sheep so much, it is unstoppable and a growing business.
However there is one person who made a pathetic video to deny their culture, but everyone knows the truth and the video below says it all! Look how fast the sheep run from this guy in order to avoid confrontation.
TL;DR, the English had a law stating (through about 7000 lines of bullshit) that if you steal an animal for food or whatever then you get Banhammered, but if you steal it for a sneaky one behind the sheds then that all right. So while us Welsh were stealing every single sheep in England, you fucktards were just laughing believing that we were shagging them. This also explains why Wales is so full of sheep. Yeah, but what's funnier is you actually did end up shagging the sheep, we can handle losing some sheep, we can just take them by force from New Zealand.
Geography
No one knows where the fuck Whales actually is, including the Welsh themselves. Some speculate it is accessible through a wardrobe in England, but common sense dictates this is impossible because English people cannot afford enough clothes to own one. The EU has yet to acknowledge Whales' existence.
Furries regard this land as Heaven in their fucked up religion because it has a dragon on the flag, and the fact there any many mountains to carry out sensual love-making to cute, cuddly animals peacefully. This is because Wales is Communist and and as such, Welsh people are rather fond of fucking anything with fur or scales. However it is a misnomer that furries are worshiped as gods there as this is a temporary stage before the Welsh natives boil them alive and consume the corpse. Unlike the inhabitants of Aynglaynd, Scaahtlaynd and Iairelaynd, no Welsh person ever set foot in America so an American is likely to assume you are referring to a large sea mammal.
Language
Welsh is a dying language, despite what any patriots may insist. At least half of the modern-day spoken Welsh language is slurred English words with fewer vowels. It is so close to extinction, bets have been taken. This is because:
- The vocabulary is too close to French for most people's comfort
- Speaking Welsh sounds like you have a throat full of phlegm and jizz, which puts people off
- The only letters are l,d,w,f, and y
- It is mostly spoken by patriotic Northern Welsh people and (of course),
- DO NOT WANT.
Currently the Prince of Wales is forcing all students to devote five hours per week to this dead language. Refusal is met with a banhammer.
Most Welsh speakers use English in everyday conversation, until a Saes comes within earshot - at which point they start swearing about the interloper in their native tongue, like "Twll din pob saes…". In contrast, most English-only speaking Welshmen try to fuck the nearest English or American person possible in the misguided hope of getting a Jew and moving to a big mansion as far away from Wales as possible. To date, Catherine Zeta Jones is the only successful example.
The Welsh also have a nasty habit of putting two Ds on the end of everything ("everythingdd"), making it impossible to pronounce. I have also found that, as everyone apparently knows, Welsh "dd" is pronounced ð. How the fuck do you pronounce that? It's pronounced exactly the same as 'th' in English (That's 'th' as in 'this', not 'th' as in 'thing'. There is no 'th' in 'English'). Well, it's actually easier to pronounce than it looks. First, grow three extra pairs of vocal chords. Then, fill your throat with small fish. Now, try to pronounce the word. If you succeed, you'll sound like a freak with fish in their mouth: i.e., a Welshman.
The Welsh language was created at least 100 years ago by a French man named Hairmoanious Bosch. He took all of the unwanted parts of every other language (this is why there are not as many gerunds and participles) and stuck them together in a crude language that does not measure up to Whales' previous language, Turkish.
People from Wales are often confused with Pikeys due to similar behavior. Welsh cunts are just pikeys with houses.
See also; 'Zero viewers' for Welsh TV shows.
Welsh Language Made Easy
Below is just a few Welsh words if you ever make plans to visit Whales:
- Baa Baa - I'm over here sexy boy!
- Baaaaaaaaa - Make love to me, you know you want to.
- BAAAAAAAAAA!!!! - HOLY SHIT YOU KNOW HOW TO FUCK
- Moooooo - I'm not the one you're looking for you fucktard.
Lady Diana, Princess of Whales
Princess Diana, was an attention whore with borderline personality disorder who continued shagging rag heads for the lulz, mostly to troll the (German) royal family. Who, dubious disclaimer, murdered her before she could have Dodi Al-Fayed's baby, because having the next king of England's half brother as a Muslim is clearly not cricket. Tony Blair called her "the people's princess" which is clearly shit as she was a descendant of James II.
She was born in England, not Whales, which was a bit like Barbara Bush becoming Empress of Mexico. Which makes perfect sense as both the Bushes and Winzors Schleswig-Holstein-Sonderburg-Glücksburgs had dealings with the Nazis.
Ok, now pay attention, following Welsh history is serious business, mainly because you can't read any of the names, and most of it is TL;DR
Llywelyn ap Gruffydd (as he was called in sheep tounge) was shagging Eleanor de Monfort (the daughter of Simon de Monfort, a rich cunt who tried his hand at claiming the English throne). This was a fucking long way to drive just for a shag, but the matter was settled when he got her up the duff, and they had to make a sharp visit to Worcester Registry Office in 1278.
Eleanor died in childbirth (causing much lulz to Edward I), and the little girl, Gwenllian, therefore became the last true born Princess of Wales. Her Father was killed near Irfon Bridge on 11 December 1282, causing even more lulz.
Edward I failed and couldn't bring himself to kill her, which was a pity, since he could have made the first snuff movie 600 years before anyone else AND not have been prosecuted for it, so he gave the baby to Gilbert of Sempringham, a pedo monk who ran a monastery in the middle of nowhere. He paid Gilbert £20 a year to keep Gwenllian imprisoned till she died 52 years later. Hence the plan was
proving once and for all that you CAN combine business and pleasure.
What has this to do the teh internets? Well you'll be entirely unsurprised that some obese basement dwelling Welsh fucktard created a web page for her here, as if anyone is fucking bothered.
People From Wales
And this is crazy,
But I'm Ian Watkins
And I rape babies.
See Also
Animals
| Featured article March 2 & 3, 2012 | ||
| Preceded by Justin Bieber |
Wales | Succeeded by Bad Vlad |