Jehovah's Witnesses

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Jehova's Witnesses is a Christian denomination (Read: cult) created 130 years ago whose main exports include failed Doomsday predictions, pedophiles, and annoying cunts that interrupt your fapping session in order to talk about God.

Big Brother is Watching

Jehova's Witnesses get their teaching from a group known as the Watch Tower Society based in Jew York, not the Bible as they like to claim. According to the organization, they are never wrong and their word is literally on par with God's, and disputing even a single teaching by the Governing Body gets you expelled and shunned for the rest of days. Witnesses go through a process of brainwashing by the "Elders", where they are taught that independent thinking was created by the Devil and that the Society can do no wrong. They are also expected to follow Amish-tier morality codes with a detailed list of "serious sins" which are guaranteed permabans from the cult (These include inane shit like boxing, celebrating birthdays, voting on political elections, or joining the military). After someone is banned, every Jehova's Witness is instructed to stop speaking with said person and dissasociate in every manner possible (Sounds familiar?), leading to said person getting kicked out of the family and being thrown ass first into the outside world which promptly leads to them becoming an hero as all of them know fuck all about the outside world before getting caught mid-blowjob and being expelled.

Jehova's Witnesses are also well known for barring the members from donating blood or recieving potentially life-saving blood transfusions. They back this up via shaky-at-best biblical interpretations and magazine articles where they claim that recieving a blood transfusion gives you sexual perversions and a desire to steal and commit murder

Kiddy Diddling

As a very close and very shut-in group of Christians, it surprises no one when it attracts pedophiles like flies to shit. Since at least two witnesses are required in order for a Witness to be expelled, kiddy diddlers can rest easy as a single kid speaking up is never enough to get them the boot. In the cases where someone within the organization accuses someone else of rape, they are generally mandated to stay quiet and not report the incident to the police in order to save themselves the embarrasment of admitting that their congregation is a haven for kidfuckers.

Two Elders are removed from their position for reporting a pedophile to the police.

Doomsday predictions

With a number of fuckups rivaling that of Nibiru, the Witnesses have predicted the Second Coming not one, not two but SIX times. These predictions include:

• 1878: The end of the "harvest" and the beginning of God's exercise of power.
• 1881: Revised date after the 1878 deadline was reached.
• 1914: The beginning of Jesus' reign on earth. According to the Watchtower Society, this actually happened and we just never realized.
• 1925: Where the patriarchs would rise from the dead Romero-style.
• 1975: The ACTUAL Day of Armageddon. When nothing happened, the Society simply denied the prophecy ever existed.

[Close them downOpen the records]

Jehovah's Witnesses is part of a series on Cults