Jehovah's Witnesses

Jehovah's Witnesses is a would be Christian denomination (Read: cult) created 130 years ago whose main exports include failed Doomsday predictions, pedophiles and annoying cunts that interrupt your fapping session in order to talk about God, created according to Jehovah's Witnesses World. They will trick you into joining their fake, shitty church & you will leave your family. Then when you croak you will leave all your dough to this cult/occult.

History

Approximately three three thousand years ago, a pastor named Russel, was enlightened by some kind of spirit. Russel decided that everyone deserved to learn the absolute truth. With a legion of loyal followers, Russel began spreading his teachings. As with any cult, a doomsday date was necessary to reel in more followers. The year that was selected was 1914. Russel, being a Zionist, grabbed this date reading the pyramids. Jehovah's Witnesses don't know this nor do they want to. When the day came and nobody went to heaven, instead of leaving the cult, Russell's followers decided that the appropriate course of action would be to continue their tradition of waking losers up in the morning to talk about God. Only a minority of follow came to their senses and left the cult. After Russell's death, his assistant Rutherford came to power. Rutherford was hellbent on proving himself to be even more batshit insane than Russel. He succeeded. Among his teachings was that in 1925, three long dead prophets/kings would rise from the dead. Going so far as to build a luxurious mansion in anticipation of their return. When the zombies didn't come, Rutherford lived in the mansion himself. Jehovah's Witnesses don't know this nor do they want to. Meanwhile, Rutherford continued pushing his followers to annoy people more than door to door salesmen and Mormons. He succeeded. After Rutherford's death, his lackeys continued making up pointless rules to keep their followers in check. Around the 70s, the higher ups decided that another doomsday prophecy was needed to promote furthers conversions. This left many Witnesses looking forward to the end of the world and the death of everyone not like them. Some were moronic enough to sell their houses, live in cars, and preach until 1975. When the date came and went, many Witnesses were rightfully pissed off and left the cult. Current Jehovah's Witnesses don't know this nor do they want to. Notice a pattern here? As of late it has come to the attention of the higher ups that some of the fine young men working in the cult compound are fucking pillows. This resulted in the production of a video in which an old whitey babbled on about fapping and the dangers of homosexuality. Many lulz ensued.

Big Brother is Watching

Jehova's Witnesses get their teaching from a group known as the Watch Tower Society based in Jew York, not the Bible as they like to claim. According to the organization, they are never wrong and their word is literally on par with God's, and disputing even a single teaching by the Governing Body gets you expelled and shunned for the rest of days. Witnesses go through a process of brainwashing by the "Elders", where they are taught that independent thinking was created by the Devil and that the Society can do no wrong. They are also expected to follow Amish-tier morality codes with a detailed list of "serious sins" which are guaranteed permabans from the cult (These include inane shit like boxing, celebrating birthdays, voting on political elections, or joining the military). After someone is banned, every Jehovah's Witness is instructed to stop speaking with said person and dissasociate in every manner possible (Sounds familiar?), leading to said person getting kicked out of the family and being thrown ass first into the outside world which promptly leads to them becoming an hero as all of them know fuck all about the outside world before getting caught mid-blowjob and being expelled.

Jehova's Witnesses are also well known for barring the members from donating blood or recieving potentially life-saving blood transfusions. They back this up via shaky-at-best biblical interpretations and magazine articles where they claim that recieving a blood transfusion gives you sexual perversions and a desire to steal and commit murder

Scams

Pyramid Selling

JW's was originally simple pyramid-selling scam.

Heaven, according to them, has a good section (celestial heaven) and a cheap section (telestial heaven). You want to go to the good section, right? Well, to do that you will have to be a good "witness". But what's that? It's simple: witnessing is when you hand out literature printed by the Watchtower Bible and Tract Society. That's what witnessing actually is. These books tell other people that they too must hand out literature printed by the Watchtower Bible and Tract Society, &ct.

You have to buy this literature with real actual money. But it is provided at cost price --- HAHAHA! Fuck, no. They printed shitty newsprint tracts with free labor and sold them at insane prices to the faithful. The society gets a cut, and the local bishop gets a cut. And any poor fool who noticed that you could get a palletload of these done for a tenth of the price swiftly got smacked down with a copyright lawsuit and being disfellowshipped.

But, no-one reads anymore, and real estate is far more profitable.

Real Estate

WBTS encourages JWs to build kingdom halls, so that Jesus has somewhere to take a crap when he returns to earth and does the circuit. WBTS will give you a loan to build a Kingdom Hall, but it has to be built using one of their floorplans, which all look oddly like commercial office space and not like a hall at all. The faithful apply to local councils to get prize packets of land set aside for churches, and set themselves to building. And they almost invariably go broke. WBTS, wiping crocodile tears from its eyes, is forced to repo the building which was built for free, on a packet of land that you cannot get for love or money unless you are building a church, and sell or rent them as commercial offices for millions.

Kiddy Diddling

As a very close and very shut-in group of Christians, it surprises no one when it attracts pedophiles like flies to shit. Since at least two witnesses are required in order for a Witness to be expelled, kiddy diddlers can rest easy as a single kid speaking up is never enough to get them the boot. In the cases where someone within the organization accuses someone else of rape, they are generally mandated to stay quiet and not report the incident to the police in order to save themselves the embarrasment of admitting that their congregation is a haven for kidfuckers.

Two Elders are removed from their position for reporting a pedophile to the police.

Doomsday predictions

With a number of fuckups rivaling that of Nibiru, the Witnesses have predicted the Second Coming not one, not two but SIX times. These predictions include:

• 1878: The end of the "harvest" and the beginning of God's exercise of power.
• 1881: Revised date after the 1878 deadline was reached.
• 1914: The beginning of Jesus' reign on earth. According to the Watchtower Society, this actually happened and we just never realized.
• 1925: Where the patriarchs would rise from the dead Romero-style.
• 1975: The ACTUAL Day of Armageddon. When nothing happened, the Society simply denied the prophecy ever existed.

[Close them downOpen the records]

Jehovah's Witnesses is part of a series on Cults