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Anne Rice
The ultimate in literary drama queens, Anne Rice is a novelist whose vampire novels have served as inspiration for countless fangirls, cosplayers, gay teenagers, and, of course, goths. Indeed, even to this day — some thirty years after her first work was published — she maintains a loyal following among 16 year old girls and angsty teens. Recently, however; an even more insipid brand of Mary Sue has reared its hideous visage from the bowels of sexual frustration.
Biography
Many fans attribute Rice's success to her talent as a writer but it was happenstance that resulted in her fame and prosperity. Had Rice been born later in the century, she would not have written Interview with the Vampire, her first and most famous piece of slashfic, but instead would have signed up for LiveJournal. With that done, Rice's overly illustrative and stream of consciousness ramblings would have made her an Internet celebrity, causing her to forgo writing IRL in favor of the attention garnered by her fanfic.
Rice is too cowardly to live in New Orleans, a city with which she is obsessed, where she gains weight as a result of depression triggered by her son's success as an author and possibly her Diabeetus.
Her real name is Howard Allen O'Brien.
In November 2005, Rice released a book called Christ the Lord: Out of Egypt, written to show her deep Christian convictions. It is assumed that most of her fans, particularly rebellious goths, will choose to ignore this book, as a Christian author certainly makes The Vampire Chronicles less cool. In an attempt to continue to appeal to the 12-year-old internet whores, Rice revealed she would like her Jesus to be played by Johnny Depp. In reality, she wrote it for the lulz, although the idea that God told her to STFU about vampires is comforting.
Ladies and gentlemen, put your hands together for applause, for it is thanks to Anne Rice that we have a new generation of pseudo-vampires.
Sock puppets
Anne Rampling
Using the pseudonym Anne Rampling, Ms. Rice published two shoddy, semi-pornographic novels, one of which, Exit To Eden, was made into a shoddy, not-at-all-pornographic movie. As written, it takes place on a sex resort for the rich and perverted. It is a tender love story, about a supermodel sexual sadist and her studly masochist slave. Especially moving is the passage in which the heroine ass rapes her sweetheart with a giant strap-on while he cries "Yes, mommy, yes!"
Hollywood faithfully adapted the novel for the big screen, only making one or two changes to keep an "R" rating. Dan Akroyd was cast as the masochist, Rosie O'Donnell as his supermodel mistress, and the ass-raping scene was changed to a friendly chat at an ice cream parlor. The plot no longer revolved around murder and dildos and had more to do with a lost puppy named Spanky. Comforted by the royalty check, Anne Rice did not die from self-righteous indignation.
AN Roquelaure
AN Roquelaure is the sock puppet used by Ms. Rice when she really wants to get nasty. In The Claiming of Beauty, Beauty's Punishment, and Beauty Goes To Hogwarts, she covers the adventures of a captured sex slave who looks just like Ms. Rice - except that she is young, beautiful, and intelligent.
MAJOR FUCKING NEWS
Anon has decided that, because her books contain rampant slash, bishounen, poor grammar, crossovers and other shit, there is no need for Anne Rice fanfiction. The books themselves are fanfiction enough.
Yet despite this, Anne Rice still decided that if you write any fanfiction about one of her works, she'll get the party van on your ass. Rice declared that fanfics are bad, and they make her sad to see them. She then proceeded to troll all of her fans about it. From a legal standpoint, it is unclear as whether or not she can actually do this, as a character itself cannot be copyrighted. One cannot copyright a word itself, for example, only a string of words. The correct term would be "Trademarked," and since this isn't mentioned, feel free to write millions of pages of horrible Lestat and Pokemon slashfics.
—http://www.annerice.com/ReaderInteraction-MessagesToFans.html | ||
Pshaaaaww.
—Webmaster of a popular Anne Rice fanfiction site | ||
Her gothic fanbase proceeded to cry black tears over the loss of theirbanhammered works, while the rest of the internets rejoiced at the cleansing of terrible fanfiction based off terrible stories.
Pissing Away a Livelihood
After making millions of dollars off of Sad Teens, and delusional virgins of all kinda; Anne Rice became a Born Again Christian. This made her whole dedication to the Occult and other kinds of "Boogedy Woogedy" an exercise in futility/sham. Satan started cutting himself over the betrayal. It should be noted that her only child is a fudge packer. And I'm not talking about the dead one.
See also
External links
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Vampires • Humanoids • Reptiles • The Rest • See Also Click topics to expand |
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