Norm Coleman

Norm Coleman Jr.^✡ was technically a Republicunt U.S. Senator from the mediocre state of Minnesota, but was replaced by washed-up comedian Al Franken after much butthurt and stupid lawsuits.

Being elected by Minnesotans isn't too impressive - Minnesota voters are borderline retarded, and in the past have elected a pro wrestler as their Governor and an actual Allah-worshiping Muslim as a Congressman. There are a few things that make Norm special, though. First there's the fact that he clearly lost the 2008 election, but was still BAWWWWWing about it months afterward with ballot recounts, court cases and re-trials. He vowed to drag this shit out for months longer, even if it reached the Supreme Court, instead of admitting he's a bitch who lost his job to an unfunny 80s SNL writer. He later admitted he's a bitch who lost his job to an unfunny SNL writer.

Then, there's internet drama, after all of his information on donors got leaked online by crafty internet spies and released on Wikileaks, where the whole world can learn more about the inbred Midwesterners who gave money to this tool.

Early life

IRL photo from Norm's college yearbook. Get a haircut, dirty fucking liberal hippie.

Norm Coleman used to be a long-haired, war-protesting, bong-toking hippy. The guy even celebrated his 20th birthday at motherfucking Woodstock in 1969. Check out his yearbook photo, he looks like a guy who's resigned to living his life working at a coffee shop to fuel his coke habit.

In a hilarious betrayal of everything he believed in, he's now a suit-wearing, douchey, slick-haired, pro-war, anti-marijuana Republican with a trophy wife and the taste of W's ballsweat on his breath.

Everything else you need to know

Has a seriously fucking hot wife.

Got busted in 2006 when one of his staff was editing the Norm Coleman article on TOW. [1]

Got so good at deepthroating Bush that he could easily tongue the balls.

His 81-year old dad once fucked a chick in a car, and got busted by the cops for it! No, rly! "Norm Coleman Sr., the father of Minnesota’s junior senator, was cited for lewd and disorderly conduct Tuesday after police officers reported finding him engaged in a sex act in a car near a pizzeria on E. 7th St. in St. Paul. A police report said officers were called to Savoy Inn about 6:30 p.m to investigate a report that two people were having sex in a car. The police report stated a woman, Patrizia Marie Schrag, 38, also was cited for lewd and disorderly conduct."

Step 1: Take image of diaper-wearing furry. Step 2: Photoshop on Al Franken's head. Step 3: ???? Step 4: WIN ELECTION!

The GOP distributed an actual press release with a bad photoshop of his opponent, Franken, as a babyfur with bunny ears, wearing a shit-filled diaper [2]

ENTER THE INTERNET DRAMA

Coleman had a huge Excel database filled with information on all of his donors. Information like full names, addresses, credit card security numbers, passwords and their volunteer information that went on for hundreds of pages. The incompetent 73-year olds that run Coleman's computers accidentally let the database appear as public on their website for a short time, where the internet heroes at Wikileaks were able to grab a copy for eternity. Check out the list for yourself: [3]

Now, there's all sorts of drama about this list being public, the fact that Norm was keeping it in the first place, etc., but for our purposes let's skip to the lulz:

Wingnuts commenting on Al Franken

It appears that there was a time when donors who submitted their form online had the option of also filling out a comment box of what they'd want to say about Al Franken, specifically some unfunny burn he made on General Petraeus. The highlights:

	“	AL FRANKEN, GO BACK TO WHAT YOU WERE DOING BEFORE. YOU ARE AN EMBARRASSMENT TO THE STATE OF MINNESOTA. IF YOU LOVE THE ENEMY SO MUCH WHY DON’T YOU JOIN THEM. I WILL DO EVERYTHING WITHIN THE SPHERE OF MY INFLUENCE TO SEE YOU DEFEATED AND NORM COLEMAN RE-ELECTED TO THE SENATE. ron bjorklund blaine, mn	„

	“	I AM A DEM AND MY FAMILY AND MY EXTENDED FAMILY ALL DEM WILL REMEMBER WHAT SIDE OF THE FENCE YOU SIT ON ESP AT THE POLLS WE WILL REMEMBER	„

	“	Franken, You are a disgrace to the Human Race by your action of insulting a brave American General and in giving aid and comfort to the enemy during Wartime. You and Jane Fonda should get your acts together and see if it will play on the American Stage! The title,? Two Traitors are we.	„

	“	WE NEED TO HOLD AL FRANKEN ACCOUNTABLE FOR HIS CONTINUING SILENCE ON MOVEON.ORG’S VICIOUS PERSONAL ATTACKON gENERAL pETRAEUS, AND THE BRAVE MEN AND WOMENSERVING UNDER HIS COMMAND.	„

	“	Your attitude about calling General Petraeus, who is the defender of our freedom, a traitor is treasonous! When does your boat leave the country?	„

	“	Dear Al You will probably not get this because it is a right wing tools web sight. Here goes anyway. Way to go, keep up the good work I will definatly vote for you! Norm Coleman is a tool. We need people like you in the senate. I thought we had a good senator in Amy but I am beginning to doubt her courage. To Norm now you know how this minnesotan feels.	„

Wingnuts pick terrible passwords

Another highlight: donors got to pick a password for the Norm Coleman message boards, where they all had a circle jerk about guns and soldiers and their shared hatred of gays or whatever. Here's their passwords, helpfully listed in the Excel database!

cooter (Carl Kuhl, city withheld)
eat4two (Jay Mandeville, Hopkins MN)
ethicalnorm (Dick Cottrell, Chanhassen MN)
fatcat69 (Used by TWO SEPARATE PEOPLE, come on now)
geddylee (Robert Reddell, Channahon, IL)
NormRulz08 (Bret Hensel - a volunteer, too!)
password (Dan Martin from Babylon, NY is retarded at password security)
tomdaschle (Ann Vardeman, Minneapolis)
vikings (Tied with “welcome” as all-around winner for most picks, each have 3 separate people)
shithead (Erich Mische, city withheld)

Giving up

The 2008 election (hey, remember that shit, so long ago? The black guy won President, right?) for Minnesota Senate was definitely close, but Franken also definitely won after all of the recounts were over and all of the retarded Minnesota voters who just wrote "Lizard People" on the ballot instead of choosing anyone had their ballots discounted. The thing is, if Norm ever gives up and admits he lost, then the Libtards will have control of the Senate. Expect him to keep BAWWWWWing about this shit for at least another year tied up in courts.

By December, people were getting sick of this stalemate shit because it's boring and complicated and because Dancing With The Stars was on and Americans are too fat and lazy to care about this democracy shit.

In January, Norm got locked out of his own office and his name got removed from the Senate phone book, making him a dirty, jobless hobo, like the rest of America.[4]

In February, a bunch of Norm's Republican fuckbuddies made a Youtube where they begged for money so that Norm could pay for lawyers, bribes and supple young male prostitutes.[5]

In March, Norm's own lawyer gave up on him.[6]

In April, John Cornyn, chairman of the National Republican Senatorial Committee and gay Texas cowboy, said that the Republicans were ready to "fight World War III" over this shit, and that the seat might remain vacant "for years," just because he's an asshole. He then mumbled "fucking Jews," Googled "young white boys +barebacking -liberals" and furiously masturbated.[7]

Then, the DNC launched an ad telling Coleman to STFU, give up and let the unfunny New York Jew have his job.[8]

The only foreseeable conclusion will be the day when Al Franken dies of AIDS or a cocaine overdose, as you'd expect from any libfag New York SNL Jew. Until then, Norm's lulzy quest to keep his job will be a long, painful march through fail.