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George Osborne
George Gideon Oliver Osborne Esq. is the Heir Apparent to the Osborne baronetcy of Ballygaylord, County Tipperary, Ireland, and this makes him one of what is known in Ireland as the Ascendancy, the old Anglo-Irish aristocracy.
Originally named Gideon, he changed his name to George when he was 13 due to his admiration for George Michael. Whilst at Oxford, Osborne and David "Dave" Cameron (see Note 1 below) were members of the Bullingdon Club, a notorious Oxford University dining club, it was 'infamous' for 'public buggery' and was open only to the homosexual sons of aristocratic families and the super-rich. In October 2008, gay financier Nathaniel "pink pounds" Rothschild claimed that Gideon had tried to solicit a more than £9,000 "gift" from his lover the Russian aluminium magnate Oleg Deripaska, by threatening to make public that only transition metals can be magnetic.
Note 1 - Inserted by request of the Internet Lawyer; Dave Cameron is no more gay than he is a cokehead, and never lets anything fun to enter his orifices. He's an ordinary family man who drinks bitter and favours the missionary position with his wife.
At the age of 14 by the miracle of transubstantiation Gideon became the Shadow Chancellor, the British equivalent of a Dark Lord of the Sith, and took the new name Squeaky George. He immediately appealed to the Daily Mail readership with his oral style, using words like "sums" and "adding" and rhetorical flourishes like "oh no they didn't" and "he's behind you!" and "I could crush a grape" (see Note 2) when attacking Gordon Brown. Gideon leads the weekly "hissing and pouting" during Prime Minister's question time and is the only member of Her Majesty's Opposition to satisfy the sexual predations of His Infernal Majesty Peter Mandelsohn, a pube-free Saddam Hussain to Satan's ... well, Satan. His authority and gravitas on the economy was thought so majesterial that the Tories brought back one of their previous Chancellors, Fat Tony, to try and make Gideon sound less like a squeaking, lisping little twat.
Note 2 - Inserted by request of the Internet Lawyer; "I could crush a grape" is the property of gay dead comedian Larry Grayson, and no challenge to copyright is intended by this article.
Prior to joining Conservative Central Office, Gideon's employment history consisted of a stint as an NHS data entry clerk and a week spent folding towels at Selfridges.
Gideon: The Hookers and Blow years
Osborne filmed while monged in Parliament, 26 November 2014
Would you be at all surprised to learn that a talentless upper-class perma-wealthy Tory wastrel had secretly consorted for donkey's years with a professional dominatrix 'madame' and was closely associated (to put it at its most legally-provable) with the use of class 'A' substances?
No? Nor would anyone else, to be frank, but for some reason Gideon gets in a right snit about the subject whenever it's mentioned. No-one knows why.
And obviously, there's nothing to the story at all, because it's just the word of one drugged-up negress whore against that of a Conservative chancellor, and we all know instinctively which one is more deserving of our respect and our trust. Right?
—Westminister Madam Natalie Rowe | ||
- On 11 October 2013, the dominatrix announced that she was going to publish her memoirs -- which she said would be "very embarrassing" for Osborne.
- On 13 October 2013, the dominatrix was raided by police (who claimed to be "looking for drugs"), held for several hours and questioned about what was going to be in her book.
- On 28 June 2014, the dominatrix tweeted a photo of Osborne dancing with
anotherone of her clients, saying Osborne was "off his nut".
- On the morning of 30 July 2014, the dominatrix posted another photo of Osborne dancing like a spaz, pointing out that he was being careful not to bump into the bloke at the left of the picture, who is leaning over to snort some gak.
- On the afternoon of 30 July 2014, the dominatrix was arrested over an alleged public order offence that had supposedly taken place a week beforehand but was released without charge. Pure coincidence, of course.
Gideon's preferred means of refreshment has even been referred to in Parliament.
Osborne has admitted he "met" the dominatrix (well, he could hardly deny it. could he?) but has called the ching-taking allegations “defamatory and completely untrue”.
Obviously the best way to tackle this claim would be for Osborne to sue the dominatrix for defamation, whereupon he would get to tell his side of the story in court, both parties would be able to produce evidence and testify under oath, and the media and general public would be able to attend the trial in order to see that the verdict was widely reported ...
... oh.
Crying Like A Bitch At Margaret Thatcher's Funeral
Last Thursday, at the funeral of reviled Tory matriarch, Margaret Thatcher, Gideon could be seen in the crowd crying his little piggy eyes out. This prompted many lulz from the British peasantry, who had been barred from the event after it was deemed that they smelled funny but were, nevertheless, watching the service on television, just to make sure that the old bitch didn't suddenly burst forth from her coffin and rise again.
Other video nasties
- Osborne fails to answer a seven-year-old who asks him "What is 8 x 5?"
- Osborne is jeered after telling shit joke that unironically contains the word "wanker"
- Osborne is booed by the entire stadium at the 2012 Paralympics (perhaps he shouldn't have cut disability benefits)
- Smirk wiped from Osborne's smug, slimy face as he faces questions about his tax-dodging offshore trust fund from Parliamentary Committee
Gideon the economy
- Abolish Inheritance Tax on Irish Baronetcies and Dave Cameron's houses
- Start a potato famine
- Sell the NHS to Jew
- Make homosexuality illegal for poor people
- Say "I blame Gordon Brown"
- Redesign pound notes to look pinker
- Replace public transport with privately owned Rolls Royces to save the British Car Industry
- Introduce successful US scheme to forcibly recruit the poor black unemployed to be killed in Afghanistan, but with nice new helicoptors paid for by the saving on social security payments
- Abolish identity cards to pay off the National Debt and to prevent the arrest of cottagers
- Sell Wales to Disney for a new Seven Dwaves Mining Theme Park
Other famous Barons
- Baron Thatcher
- Baron Token Muslim Woman
- Sasha Baron Cohen
- Baron Hardup from Cinderella
- Baron Obama
- The Baron convention in the card game Contract Bridge
- The Red Baron
- One for the Baron
- Red Super Robot BARON JAPAN
- Baron Samedi