George Osborne

George Gideon Oliver Osborne Esq. is the Heir Apparent to the Osborne baronetcy of Ballygaylord, County Tipperary, Ireland, and this makes him one of what is known in Ireland as the Ascendancy, the old Anglo-Irish aristocracy.

Originally named Gideon, he changed his name to George when he was 13 due to his admiration for George Michael. Whilst at Oxford, Osborne and David "Dave" Cameron (see Note 1 below) were members of the Bullingdon Club, a notorious Oxford University dining club, it was 'infamous' for 'public buggery' and was open only to the homosexual sons of aristocratic families and the super-rich. In October 2008, gay financier Nathaniel "pink pounds" Rothschild claimed that Gideon had tried to solicit a more than £9,000 "gift" from his lover the Russian aluminium magnate Oleg Deripaska, by threatening to make public that only transition metals can be magnetic.

Note 1 - Inserted by request of the Internet Lawyer; Dave Cameron is no more gay than he is a cokehead, and never lets anything fun to enter his orifices. He's an ordinary family man who drinks bitter and favours the missionary position with his wife.

At the age of 14 by the miracle of transubstantiation Gideon became the Shadow Chancellor, the British equivalent of a Dark Lord of the Sith, and took the new name Squeaky George. He immediately appealed to the Daily Mail readership with his oral style, using words like "sums" and "adding" and rhetorical flourishes like "oh no they didn't" and "he's behind you!" and "I could crush a grape" (see Note 2) when attacking Gordon Brown. Gideon leads the weekly "hissing and pouting" during Prime Minister's question time and is the only member of Her Majesty's Opposition to satisfy the sexual predations of His Infernal Majesty Peter Mandelsohn, a pube-free Saddam Hussain to Satan's ... well, Satan. His authority and gravitas on the economy was thought so majesterial that the Tories brought back one of their previous Chancellors, Fat Tony, to try and make Gideon sound less like a squeaking, lisping little twat.

Note 2 - Inserted by request of the Internet Lawyer; "I could crush a grape" is the property of gay dead comedian Larry Grayson, and no challenge to copyright is intended by this article.

Prior to joining Conservative Central Office, Gideon's employment history consisted of a stint as an NHS data entry clerk and a week spent folding towels at Selfridges.

Gideon the economy

Abolish Inheritance Tax on Irish Baronetcies and Dave Cameron's houses
Start a potato famine
Sell the NHS to Jew
Make homosexuality illegal for poor people
Say "I blame Gordon Brown"
Redesign pound notes to look pinker
Replace public transport with privately owned Rolls Royces to save the British Car Industry
Introduce successful US scheme to forcibly recruit the poor black unemployed to be killed in Afghanistan, but with nice new helicoptors paid for by the saving on social security payments
Abolish identity cards to pay off the National Debt and to prevent the arrest of cottagers
Sell Wales to Disney for a new Seven Dwaves Mining Theme Park

Gideon: The Hookers and Blow years

Would you be at all surprised to learn that a talentless upper-class perma-wealthy Tory wastrel had secretly consorted for donkey's years with a professional dominatrix 'madame' and was closely associated (to put it at its most legally-provable) with the use of class 'A' substances? No? Nor would anyone else, to be frank, but for some reason Gideon gets in a right snit about the subject whenever it's mentioned. No-one knows why. And obviously, there's nothing to the story at all, because it's just the word of one drugged-up negress whore against that of a Conservative chancellor, and we all know instinctively which one is more deserving of our respect and our trust. Right?

	“	So there was definitely, there was cocaine on that night on the table. George Osborne did take cocaine on that night. And not just on that night. He took it on a regular basis with me, with his friends	„
	—Westminister Madam Natalie Rowe

And Gideon's preferred means of refreshment has been referred to in Parliament.

Gideon quotes

	“	Don't be angry with me; let me speak just once more. Please let me make one more test with the wool. This time let the wool be dry, and the ground be wet.	„
	—Judges 6:36-40, Good News Bible

	“	I say you fellows. Oh really Wharton. He, he, he. Yarooh.	„

	“	Gordon Brown's lack of fiscal responsibility will damage our ability to compete, and mean further tax rises for hard working families.	„

	“	Oh, fish-hooks! He’s smashing up the place like a bulldozer!	„

	“	I challenge him to back up his gay-friendly words with concrete policies to end the remaining vestiges of homophobic discrimination. So far, he has not promised a single new policy for gay equality	„

Crying Like A Bitch At Margaret Thatcher's Funeral

Last Thursday, at the funeral of reviled Tory matriarch, Margaret Thatcher, Gideon could be seen in the crowd crying his little piggy eyes out. This prompted many lulz from the British peasantry, who had been barred from the event after it was deemed that they smelled funny but were, nevertheless, watching the service on television, just to make sure that the old bitch didn't suddenly burst forth from her coffin and rise again.