Economist

What are Economists?

Economists are people who practice the dark art of economics aka "the dismal science". By 'practice' we mean that economists use economics to tackle social problems in the same way that a novice wields a pair of nunchucks to attack a punching bag: they are just as likely to hurt themselves and everyone around them as they are to hit their intended target.

Ecomomics is a 'social science' which allows economists to bore all those unfortunate enough to be within bragging range with comparisons of how their work is just as important and scientifically founded as other forms of scientific inquiry, such as Biology, Physics or Alchemy. Unfortunately, what they fail to mention is that by 'science' they actually mean 'stolen from science' and by 'social' they mean 'not science', so in reality economics is nothing more than 'unscientific forgery dressed up to pass as science'.

All economists are men. Although some economists appear to be tampon-smugglers (aka women) they are in fact heideous, middle-aged male perverts who only dress like women because they like the way the g-string crunches their balls and gives them a wedgie at the same time, which reminds them of how the other kids on the playground used to treat them in high school.

What do economists do?

When the Asian transvestite brothel is not open, economists can be found trolling through real scientific documents for equations and assorted greek letters that might make their work seem more scientific, in the same way that covering a dog-turd in chocolate sauce may make it appear more palatable. Economists use this scientific camouflage to trick the education systems at local schools and universities into providing them with economics departments and faculties, within which they can continue to torture puppies and worship satan without interruption.

Unlike other forms of scientific inquiry, economists spend their days discussing how the facts that contradict their theories are wrong. Economic theory is similar to Gospel, except that instead of being cheapened through the medium of man and his language, economic theory is more like the charge of an electron or the speed of light in a vacumm: it is a given, indelible constant of the universe. In fact, the only thing that annoys an economist more than a formula not derived from economic theory is his grand-mother refusing him sex.

Economists put the 'CON' into economics.

Types of Economists

We only want to give you free health care to ease our guilt

eKKKonomist: When economics was introduced by the ‘white devil’ to the Wanagooju people of Tasmania sometime after the KT event, it helped to establish the philanthropic enterprise of international slavery, to introduce the gift of influenza to the Incas and to bless various indigenous populations around the globe with an ample supply of alcohol and opium, although there are sometimes horrible downsides to this economic expansion, such the creation of the USA. Cracker economist politicians possess the wondrous ability to enact economic policies that, although racially and ethnically blind and unbiased, still manage to solely benefit the white race and, to use the vernacular, ‘keep the black man down’. White people have a disturbing obsession with using economics to find even more ingenious ways to cram obscene quantities of cheese and chocolate flavoured foods into their gullets for less cost.

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Jewing on electricity: A great way to save $$$.

Jew: To the common household econokikologist, the understanding of economics, money and the acquisition of wealth is more akin to instinct than to learnt knowledge. Years of inbanking and ostracision of all those not perfectly fluent in the word of the Talmoney, has produced an advanced species of jewthrifts and entrejewneurs whose natural economic aptitudes render them instantly entitled to an honourary degree in economics from any university in any country, anywhere. Scientists say that the Jew can hear the sound of a single dollar note folding from 5 kilometers away and smell an advantageous bargaining position from inside a plane at an altitude of 30,000 feet.

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I just got ma teef polished!

black person: The black economist can be easily identified by the complete absence of any ability to save money or accumulate wealth, instead spending whatever little income they acquire through selling crack or robbing old people on shiny, spinning rims and even shinier grills for their teeth. What black people (sports stars and rappers not included) lack in the diminuitive size of their bank balances, they make up for in the extra pouch room in their underwear. In this way, the Negronomist is the exact opposite of the Jewumetrician.

Famous Economists

Arnold Schwarzenegger: Commonly known for his bodybuilding, pseudo-acting and governating, Arnold also became an official economist when he graduated from the university of Wisconsin with a combined degree in international economics and escaping futuristic prisoner-execution gameshows. His greatest economic achievements include rescuing hundreds of Latino footsoldiers from their credit card debt in Commando and increasing the profit margins of Cyberdyne Systems Inc by leaving examples of advanced technology from the future for them to commercialize.

Joseph Hazelwood: The job of a tankership captain is frantic and replete with consequential responsibilities, which makes it all the more amazing that in 1989 this captain of the Exxon-Valdez managed to find the time to generate hundreds of millions of dollars in economic activity by distributing his selfish horde of black gold back to the nature from once it originated. Using the resources available to him, Joseph managed to locate a suitable dispersement vehicle in the form of a 500 meter long reef hidden amongst millions of square kilometres of open Pacific ocean. This is the equivalent of locating an Asian mans penis in a shoe box.

See also

• Economy
• Money

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£€ Economist is a part of a series on Money $¥