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Natalie Portman: Difference between revisions

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Like [[Adolf Hitler|Hitler]], Natalie has been a [[vegetarian]] since childhood. Sadly, the lack of exposure to [[Semen#Nutritional Facts|essential nutrients]] from [[The Great Black Dick Hoax|hormonally treated meat]] has left her with [[Fail|tiny, shriveled breasts that resemble raisins]].
Like [[Adolf Hitler|Hitler]], Natalie has been a [[vegetarian]] since childhood. Sadly, the lack of exposure to [[Semen#Nutritional Facts|essential nutrients]] from [[The Great Black Dick Hoax|hormonally treated meat]] has left her with [[Fail|tiny, shriveled breasts that resemble raisins]].
== Natalie Portman's Filmography ==
* ''Léon'' (aka ''The Professional'') is an [[awesome]] [[French]] movie which was used as wank material for [[pedophiles]].
* ''Heat'' is a movie that [[Shit nobody cares about|nobody watched]], probably because it sucked despite having [[Guido|Al Pacino and Rober De Niro]] as its main stars.
* ''Beautiful Girls'' is a movie where she was underage and had a sexual relationship with a 40 year old man. This movie is not available to rent in the USA [[censorship|for some reason]].
* ''Mars Attacks'' is a gay [[liberal]] movie in which she made out with a [[retard]] because [[alien]]s had killed everyone else.
* She then proceeded to tarnish her promising career by starring in a trilogy of [[Star Wars|stupid movies]] directed by [[George Lucas|a guy without a fucking neck]].
* ''Closer'' is the movie where she [[cosplay|cosplays]] as Stephanie from [[Lazy Town]].
* ''[[V for Vendetta]]'' is a crappy film about a [[KILL IT WITH FIRE|severely burnt]] [[anarchist]] revolutionary who hides behind a mask. Portman starred in this movie as his bald [[prison]] bitch. The directors – the same dicks who made ''[[The Matrix]]'' – watered down the fact that he's an anarchist fighting against a Fascist government and made him a vague "freedom fighter". American audiences interpreted this as his being a [[liberal]] standing up against the forces of neoconservatism which  pissed off the creator of the graphic novel series and made [[anarchist]] groups cry. Portman said she wanted the role in ''V for Vendetta'' because her character (and this is a real quote) "...[is] often bad and does things that you don't like... Being from Israel was a reason [she] wanted to do this because terrorism and violence are such a daily part of [her] conversations."
[[Image:Gnatport.jpg|thumb|An unedited still from Black Swan.]]
* ''[[Aids|Black]] Swan'' AKA [[bullshit|BS]] is a grossly overhyped, overrated piece of shit. It's basically about an [[emo]], [[insecure]], [[crybaby]], wannabe ballet dancer who has a strange fascination with bathrooms, mirrors and [[self-injury]].


== Myths and Facts about Natalie Portman ==
== Myths and Facts about Natalie Portman ==

Revision as of 15:09, 8 February 2012

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Sexy savant or horrible Hebrew? You decide.

Natalie Portman is a snooty Israeli-American Jewess with tiny tits. Despite her present popularity, she becomes less suitable as a fap target by the month.

Biography

Natalie Portman was born in the land of the terrorists like over 25 years ago or something. Like the typical Jewish celebrity, Portman claims that her grandparents died in Auschwitz. Her real last name is the horrifyingly Jewish Hershlag, but she changed it to the upstanding British name Portman in an attempt to keep people from accidentally vomiting every time they tried to pronounce her last name. She was discovered in a pizza parlor at the age of 12 by a pedophile who claimed he was a model scout. For the next several years, she starred in a shitload of movies and got an education.

Natalie epitomizes the typical Jew: neither she nor her family are religious and she claims to not believe in an afterlife or God. At the same time, she's enjoying life as one of God's "chosen". She went to Jewish private schools, says she wants to live the rest of her life in Israel, wants to raise her kids Jewish, etc.

Like Hitler, Natalie has been a vegetarian since childhood. Sadly, the lack of exposure to essential nutrients from hormonally treated meat has left her with tiny, shriveled breasts that resemble raisins.

Myths and Facts about Natalie Portman

Myth – Natalie Portman knows politics

Natalie pretends to know politics, much like most of Hollywood.

Fact – Natalie Portman is a Jew

Having a funny shaped nose, being from Israel and having the last name Hershlag all suggest that she might be Jewish. However, being in – count 'em – one, two, three terrible Star Wars movies and shaving her hair, all for money? Definitive proof.

Fact – Natalie Portman prefers intelligence over movie star

In a further attempt to swerve attention from her money and power hungry Jewishness, Natalie stated "I don't care if college ruins my career. I'd rather be smart than a movie star" in an interview with Faux News.

Gallery of 100% Not Fake Pics

Natalie Portman
is part of a series on
Jews
Patriarchs [-+]

Adam Katz • Adam L. Goldstein • Al Franken • Alan Moore • Albert Einstein • Alex Hirsch • Alicia Vikander • Aliza Shvarts • Amy Pascal • Amy Schumer • Andrew Breitbart • Andy Kaufman • Angelina Jolie • Anita Sarkeesian • Ariana Grande • Ayn Rand • Baruch Goldstein • Beastie Boys • Ben Garrison • Ben Shapiro • Ben Stein • Bernie Goetz • Bernie Madoff • Bernie Sanders • Bobby Kotick • Bourg Productions • Brie Larson • Casey Neistat • Chelsea Clinton • Chris Savino • Chuck Schumer • Dan Harmon • Dan Schneider • Daniel Benfield • Danny Elfman • Daron Nefcy • David Draiman • David Katz • Debbie Schlussel • Dianne Feinstein • Donald Drumpf • Doomentio • Dylan Klebold • Ed Rendell • Einsidler • Eli Kozin • Elliot Rodger • Elon Musk • EmiNet • Eric Abramov • Ethan Klein • Frank Miller • George Soros • Girlvinyl • Greville Janner • Harvey Weinstein • Henry Kissinger • Henry Makow • Howard Stern • Ice Poseidon • Jacob Stellmach • Jared Knabenbauer • JarlaxleArtemis • Jeff Goldblum • Jeffrey Epstein • Jennifer Lawrence • Jerry Seinfeld • Jerry Springer • Jesus • JewWario • Jim Sterling • Joe Lieberman • John Kricfalusi • John Oliver • Jon Stewart • Jonathan Yaniv • Joshua Conner Moon • Jussie Smollett • Justin Roiland • Kevin Smith • Kumichoo • Kurt Eichenwald • Laaiti Ekenstéen • Lauren Faust • Lena Dunham • Linda Mack • Lyor Cohen • MandoPony • Mark Zuckerberg • Matt Stone • Maury Povich • Mia Janin • Michael Bloomberg • savetheinternet • Michael Richards • Michael Savage • Mila Kunis • Miriam Lazewatsky • Monica Lewinsky • Monica Rial • Moses • Moshe Finkberg • MundaneMatt • Natalie Portman • Neil Gaiman • Nihilistic Snake • Pamela Geller • PewDiePie • PACKGOD • Quinton Reviews • Rachael MacFarlane • Rahm Emanuel • R@ygold • Rebecca Sugar • Roman Polanski • Ron Jeremy • Rupert Murdoch • Sacha Baron Cohen • Sam Hyde • Seth MacFarlane • Seth Rogen • Susan Wojcicki • Tara Strong • The Amazing Racist • The Fine Bros • The Krassenstein Brothers • Tim Burton • Todd Goldman • Todd Howard • Tony Goldmark • Trevor Noah • Weev • Wil Wheaton • Woody Allen • YandereDev • Yank Barry

Habitats [-+]
Traditions [-+]
H8s [-+]
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