Catholic

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Free booze: a good reason for you to come to church.

The Catholic church (not to be confused with it's close affiliate NAMBLA) is the largest organized pedophile ring in the world who pretend to enjoy eating fish sticks on Fridays during Lent and wearing ashes on their forehead once a year to creep people out. Catholics are well known for acceptance of pedophilia in all its forms. Children actually stand less of a chance of being raped by furries than Cath-o-holic priests. All Catholics are closet homosexuals and victims of a repressed sexuality that comes from nonsensical religions such as Catholicism. Note: Some Catholics are not religious, but they may be addicted to cats. Just like fake church of Jehovah Witnesses, before you die, it is important for the church to be remembered in your will.

History of Catholicism

Catholicism in action, how to serve da priests?!

Catholics believe Jesus was conceived after the Virgin Mary gave a hand job then masturbated.

People were fine with being Christians until at least 100 years ago, when some nerd called the Waaaambulance on God making up the rules. Even though Catholics believed God is omniscient, they said that someone who is actually real actually on Earth should make the rules because they would have a better understanding of what the people want. After a flame war which finally ended in the fifty Ramses illuminations, God the power-hungry bureaucracy of the Catholic Church told everyone that God gave them total power to make up whatever dumbshit ideas they wanted, and He'd have to stick to their rules.

	“	Whatever you hold true on Earth will be held true in Heaven.	„
	—The Bible, Matthew 16:16-19

Because it was the cool thing at the time, the Catholics made one person have absolute control over their religion for life. This is called the Pope. Using his newfound M4D 1337 R31IGI0U5 powers, the Pope declared that basically everything, even farting, was a sin - except for actually going to church when their "holy book" tells you to (unless you're so stupid you run on the metric system). Howevar, Catholics shouldn't be afraid because all you have to do is say sorry to God, and he has to forgive you, because the Pope totally pwns him. Also important is that the Pope is infallible, which is like godmode for flame wars. It means that no matter what the Pope says, even if it is batshit crazy (which it always is), he is ALWAYS teh winnar. This means that Popes can troll like crazy, and old memes of teh Pope doing it include excluding women from anything but sammich duty in the church. Also, this lets him wear robes all day, every day, kind of like Hugh Hefner, but instead of bunnies, he just keeps a lot of fanboys that are also in robes with him. Catholics believe that when Jesus died, his spirit inhabited Peter and he became Pope. Every time a Pope dies, Jesus leaves him and inhabits another Cardinal in Rome and the other Cardinals have to find him and make him the Pope. This process has proven Jesus to be racist, as the Pope is always white, really old and a former Nazi.

Because the pope is a dumbfuck and makes no sense, in 1517, Catholics with brains left the church and became a different type of Christian known as a Protestant.

Feast of the Floating Shroud at your local Catholic church.

Clothes that conceal only add to the allure of a Catholic girl.

Statue of St. Girafarig, a famous Catholic pedophile.

A few catholic clergymen out for a Sunday jaunt. Their costumes reflect their deep respect for the Dark Side of the Force.

Chippendale dancers are often employed during special religious services.

No one is safe from the wrath of God!

Typical Catholics Typical evangelists, actually.

Serves him right for being catholic

File:Pope pill.jpg

Then I'll hang it up over me mantelpiece!

File:Ratzinger hitlerjugend.jpg

Back to the roots. Josef Ratzinger aka BenediktXVI.

Rules

• You must play bingo once a month.
• Roman Catholics are forbidden from the fun of birth control and abortion, citing dumb-shit ideas like God'll get angry if they "spill their seed on the dusty ground". So, Roman Catholics have more kids than humanly possible any group except for possibly Mormons. Some Catholics who are farmers use being Roman Catholic simply as an excuse for having children for free labor on their farms.
• Catholics aren't allowed to have sex until married, but it doesn't count if it's a family member or a priest. Catholic parents don't tell their kids about birth control methods or abortion, opting instead to burn into their minds the fear of God by saying that Christ cries when you fuck someone you aren't married to. This method is known to work in most cases.
• If you are Catholic, you won't go to Hell. If you are anything else, you're "misguided" and it is a Catholic's duty to open you up and accept Jesus Christ as your personal savior.
• In spite of how many kids they have, virtually everything, especially sex-related activities, is a sin to Catholics. Some examples include fetishes, masturbation, owning a cat, watching anime, being jealous, being emo, thinking of sex, girls wearing pants and having a lot of money and not giving it to the church.
  • Oddly enough, Catholic girls are often into the good stuff when it comes to teh sex.
• Dancing is allowed (but "keep the holy spirit between you") and drinking is encouraged, especially if you are a priest.
• As long as you say sorry, your sins are forgiven and you get to go to Heaven. However, there are 7 sins that are unforgivable, and if you commit one, you are going to Hell. These 7 sins are used to keep /b/tards, goons and fatties out of heaven. These sins are lust, gluttony, greed, sloth, wrath, envy and pride.
• NO FLASH PHOTOGRAPHY IN THE CHURCH OR YOU'LL GO STRAIGHT TO HELL!
• Molest small children.
• If married, produce as many children as possible so that the Priest can fiddle with them.
• If the Bible tells you to do something (such as not to worship a tree, or not to pray to a bitch), do the exact opposite

Sacraments

There are over 9000 sacraments in the Catholic Church, including eating Jesus, creating zombies, blowing up abortion clinics, and/or not using contraceptives. It is unknown why there are so many, but experts speculate it is because they had too much time on their hands last Thursday that could not be used "spilling theirs on the dusty ground". Or because the Pope said so. Noone knows.

Hypocrisy in the Catholic Church

Loving of Boys Scandal

At long last, the Church of Cathol comes clean on the buttsecks scandals:

It's because God thinks you're a bad person.

So basically everyone who works in the Catholic Church but the Pope is gay. Nuns, for instance, are all lesbians. Everyone else is out to get little boys. When they've gotten a couple dozen, they get promoted to Cardinal, turn into birds, and sometimes control the government of France. The good Cardinals that don't molest children get elected Pope, and get to ride in fucking sweet modded cars like the Popemobile. Holy shit.

• A transvestite vampire nun named Westifer is one of the poor victims, but claims it was only almost-rape. Eh, he likes the bird-cock. Too bad.
• Gorgeous George is a sad victim of Cardinal rape.

Recently, the Catholic Church decided to solve this problem... by publishing a comic book.

Politics

Even though it is against the laws of the world and of Jesus, Catholics love to spread their love of Jesus and of Republicans. Catholics and Republicans share a lot of the same characteristics such as haet for homosexuals, haet of abortion, fright of niggas, love of little boys and unwarrented self importance.

Gays

Catholics shun gays because God supposedly can stone them at any time and send them to hell. This makes no sense because their priests are gay and priests are believed by Catholics to be a physical representation of Jesus and his spirit and according to the Bible, Jesus can't go to Hell because he doesn't commit sin. God also contradicts himself by saying that we should all love each other, but also saying that gays are evil. we here at ED do not support fags. Every time a Catholic talks about gays, Bill Maher orgasms.

	“	As I have loved you, love one another.	„
	—Jesus, John 13:34-35

	“	In speaking to the Athenians, Paul stated that God "has made from one blood every nation of men to dwell on all the face of the earth, and has determined their preappointed times and the boundaries of their dwellings" (Acts 17:26). We are all descendants of Adam. While we are divided between different nations and languages, we are all the same -- human beings created by the hand of God.	„
	—A Catholic with no sense of irony.

	“	For there is no partiality with God.	„
	—The Bible, Romans 2:11

	“	If you show partiality, you commit sin, and are convicted by the law as transgressors.	„
	—The Bible, James 2:9

	“	If a man lies with another man as he lies with a woman, both of them have committed an abomination. They shall surely be put to death.	„
	—The Bible, Leviticus 20:13

Catholicism as a Drama Generating Technique

Choir boys now must dress like this to avoid getting the priests hot and bothered.

Being born Catholic is a godsend to college girls who have otherwise had a secure and happy upbringing. Such a female will claim she is a victim because she was told at some point by a nun that sex is for marriage only. As a result, every time she fingers herself or blows some stranger who bought her several jello shots, she is haunted by Sister Mary Theresa's wizened, judgmental face breathing hellfire and brimstone down on her. At some point she will become a bisexual or a Wiccan and start describing herself as a "recovering Catholic" (but never completely recovered because that would end the drama).

Louis CK trolls the Catholic church

The priests shit bricks from pedo buttsecks:

Gallery of Secret Catholic Pix

The Lord Saw That It Was Good About missing Pics

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  The Catholic alien Jesus.
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  Worship at the altar of alien Jesus.
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  Jumpin' Jesus!
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  An ancient Catholic ritual, dating back to the days of Pharaoh.

[Collapse GalleryExpand Gallery]

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  Cathowwics wuv dollies.
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  Catholics also love magick...
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  ...And Woodstock...
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  ...And rave parties.
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  Catholic worship strangely resembles the conga line.
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  Catholics = Hippies
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  Catholics NEVAR 4GET.
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  Apparently drunk parishioner.
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  Yummmmm!!!!..., the Blessed Virgin Mary looks sexyyyy!!!!!!...
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  Who you actually talk to when you walk into a confessional.
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  Bozo the Priest-Clown.
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  Yarrrrr.
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  Catholics doing a poor impersonation of Epic Fail Guy.
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  Translation: "The body of Christ has AIDS."
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  A furry drawing depicting typical Catholic behavior.
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  Best friends forevar.
• Praising their true lord and savior.
  Praising their true lord and savior.
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  Then we shall crush Protestantism.
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  How is that they remain virgins...

Catholic Supremacy

Believe it or not there is some hardcore Catholics out there worst than Hitler. Oh shit! The Jews took this video down too!!

Famous Catholics

even if they can't fuck you, a good squeeze might be alright.

• Nobody attractive
• Mel Gibson
• The Pope
• Polish crosslol
• Every beaner
• Mark Foley
• Croatians
• The priest who molested Mark Foley
• John F. Kennedy
• Benito Mussolini
• Half of Ireland
• Leah Remini
• Dane Cook
• Al Capone
• Jonas Brothers
• Tom Araya of Slayer
• Demi Lovato
• Jimmy Savile

Famous Not Catholics

• Jesus

See also

• God Hates Fags
• Christianity
• Masturbation
• Moralfag
• Republican
• Pedophile
• Jesus
• Rape
• Catalano
• Roman Empire
• Technical virgin
• Ytask
• Updownmostly
• Irish282
• Scientology
• The Easter Bunny

Catholic is part of a series on Truth Visit the Truth Portal for complete coverage.

Article of the Now April 5 & 6, 2023
Preceded by Asperger's Syndrome	Catholic	Succeeded by Raptor Jesus