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Madeleine McCann
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Madeleine McCann (born 2003 - raped and battered by Daddy 3 May 2007) is was a famous British loli who disappeared on the evening of Thursday, 3 May 2007 in the resort of Praia da Luz in the Algarve, Portugal, just days short of her fourth birthday. The British public collectively shat bricks (or makey-buildy rocks in British), and, within a very short time, literally millions of pounds were flowing in, during what some argue was the most ghoulish and hysterical media circus since the high-speed pwnage of Princess Diana.
The whole affair was particularly nauseating to the many citizens who took issue with Kate and Gerry McCann's version of events; to wit, that they had left their four-year-old daughter unsupervised in a ground floor bedroom with her two-year-old twin siblings while going off for tapas in a bar a mile away. Even those who argued the family's innocence were staggered by the gulag mentality which descended on Merry Old England with the slightest whisper that they might have, ooh, say, killed their daughter with their gross negligence being total anathema.
Kate and Gerry were already pouring donation money into their mortgage fund and entertaining ideas of a Hollywood movie and appearance on American talk shows by the time the backlash FINALLY kicked in and they were named as suspects (by which time the poor child was of course over the hill and far away). Meanwhile, all the po' chilluns in Zimbabwe continue to die of fail and AIDS. (Zimbabwe doesn't care, dough, cuz now dey gots jenkem.)
Note that $1.5 million is enough to buy another child, but NOOOOOOOOOO.
Kidnapping
While some argue that Madeleine was kidnapped by Mexicans (though that would mean a Mexican did work and they're all lazy, amirite?), other witnesses claim that her teddybear sprang to life and kidnapped her. Madeleine's parents were dining 100 yards away with other swingers at a restaurant near the Mark Warner Ocean Childlove branch. Kate and Gerry McCann reported to the police that they were taking turns checking on their children, every three days. At approximately lulz o'clock, Western European Summer Time, two days earlier, Gerry checked on the children and they were all fine. Staff and guests at the complex searched until 4:30 whilst police on the Spanish border and all airports in Portugal and Spain were notified that they wouldn't get their turn with Maddie if she wasn't found. The search and moar butthurt ensued. Latest indications suggest that George Harrison pwnd Maddie. Noone dare tell fellow whining Scouser Kate MCann that the Fab one has actually been dead for at least 100 years - much like poor Maddie.
It might be worth noting that the hotel the McCanns were staying at did provide a FREE babysitting service, but, obviously, Gerry, being a miserly Scot was too cheap to take advantage of it.
Possible reward withdrawal
The financial reward for Madeleine has been cited as the second biggest reason for false reports of finding Madeleine; the primary reason, of course, is doing it for the lulz. Over the last month there has been at least twenty-one attempts to hand in false Madeleines ranging from the simple sex doll with a mask to a shaved monkey which had been put through plastic surgery. The monkey was initially accepted by the parents but after a week the father returned it saying his daughter's vagina was a lot softer than the monkey's. The father was going to be tried for Animal Abuse, but he had recently lost his daughter so they decided any wrongdoing was okay.
How does I get away with it?
You're gonna need a legion of fucktards to get away with it. Plenty of them at MySpace and Facebook. Then, some passports (don't forget the victim's one!). Then, follow the steps below:
1 - Go to a country where you're surrounded by fucktards. In this case, Portugal. This ensures that the police suck and all their work will be for the lulz. Plus, in countries like these, they will not suspect white trash like you! (not instantly, at least). Yeah, it's better to take a vacation in the Third World, especially when you have three children that barely walk, amirite?.
2 - Set up a cheap scenario full of AIDS. In this case, a place full of people, for maximum potential. Then, kiss your child for last time and with it, permabanning it from life, or selling it to a loli dealer, anything goes if you want money. If all else fails, put sunglasses on it, cover up any bruises, and position its face to look peacefully asleep. Then send it on a plane off to Norway. Immediately establish an alibi saying you "left the door of the apartment open". Of course, the police won't suspect of you if you're not in the crime scene, right? So, go to a place full of witnesses, liek a Bar, and, if you're a couple, take turns going back to the hotel to make sure your child is never coming back. Just tell everyone you were actually checking up on them! PROTIP: Make sure not to hire the available and cheap babysitter service of the hotel. Hell, no! This would ruin your murder/human trafficking scheme.
3 - Distort the reality! Pay a guy or two to agree with your alibi when teh police come. Also, if possible, make your accomplice say she/he has superpowers and managed to see some random guy running with a child in arms, which, predictably, the cameras of the hotel never evar caught! Don't forget to set up approximate hours of reference like 20:00 or 21:00, because they are easier to remember in an interrogation!
4 - Shout it, shout it, shout it out loud! Shout "They've taken her, they've taken her!" and "Madeleine's gone!" when you have made it back to the hotel, even when you have yet to enter your room! If you're a white woman, this effect gets maximum credibility? Great performance, Mrs. Kate McCann!!one1.
5 - Let the lulz make the lulz. The police will react several hours later after your child is long-gone and has taken the 20:00 or 21:00 flight; eh, Mr and Mrs McCann? That's because you checked the hour in the Bar carefully and gave time enough for the drama, right?
6 - Don't care, but act as if you care. Don't evar act like a hurt parent. No! Just avoid questions like "did you kill your child", and get a lawyer to support you and act cool.
7 - Spread the news like crazy! Offer a fucking-batshit-insane reward; no one in the world will find your child anyway, (you've seen to that,) so you might as well start spending that huge quantity on yourself to assuage your "grief". This is also a great time to suck the old media off for press coverage and buy a lot of shiny blinking banner ads to spread the word moar, moar, moar!1!1!!!1!!
8 - Keep the lie rolling on. Spend your contributor's money while the fucktarded English and Portuguese police are still confused, lulz. Keep up the denial so that the ever-lasting internet communities will keep donating to the fake search campaign. Also, you're young and grieving, so you have the right to spend your money, to help lessen your burden. Just use a shitty box to seal away all the letters filled with truth from Anon, label it as "mean", and keep it along with the otherkin ones that dream about Maddie's whereabouts.
9 - Get a fewmillions for being on the Oprah show. Fuck, yeah!
10 - Make some movie. Why not?
11 - ????
12 - Moar PROFIT!
If you plan to do this, other good countries to make your children disappear are Brazil, Finland, Iraq, Japan, Mexico and of course, the Philippines. If you have other little children like the McCann's, follow their example and make sure these are too young to remember you got rid of their sister/brother.
FAQ
Q: What's the difference between Madeleine McCann and Pope John Paul II?
A: The Pope died a virgin.
Q: What's the difference between the McCanns and Gary Glitter
A: Gary Glitter keeps an eye on the children!
Q: What do Madeleine McCann and bananas have in common?
A: Both are flown to England in boxes.
Q: What do Maddie and Liverpool have in common?
A: Both lost in Europe
Q: What do Madeleine McCann and a cheap blow-up doll have in common?
A: Both are fucked and then discarded.
Q: Knock Knock... Who's There?
A: Not Maddie, lol.
Q: What's the difference between Madeleine McCann, and Madeleine McCann jokes?
A: The jokes will get old.
Q: What's worse than asking Michael Jackson to babysit your children?
A: Asking the McCanns to take them on holiday.
Q: What's the difference between Madeleine McCann and a toaster
A: A toaster wasn't raped and then murdered
Q: What do Madeleine McCann and submarines have in common?
A: Both lie at the bottom of the sea, and are filled with seamen
Q: What's the difference between Madeleine McCann and a boomerang?
A: A boomerang always comes back.
Q: What's the difference between Madeleine McCann and a tan?
A: A tan doesn't disappear until after the holiday.
Q: What's the difference between the McCanns and Gary Glitter?
A: Gary Glitter comes back from his holidays with more kids than he left with.
Q: What's dead and not newsworthy?
A: Madeleine McCann.
Q: Why did the chicken cross the road?
A: Because Kate McCann wanted to kill it.
Q: What's the upside to an expensive family summer holiday in Portugal with the kids?
A: A cheap Christmas.
Q: What do Madeleine McCanns parents have in common with OJ Simpson?
A: They both did it.
Q: Knock knock.... Who's there?
A: Not Maddie. LOL..
Q: What's the difference between Madeleine McCann and the girl in Jawbreaker?
A: Jawbreaker was killed by mistake.
Q: What do Madeline McCann and Britney Spears have in common?
A: Both of them are bald with torn up vaginas.
Q: What does plastic clamshell packaging and Madeline McCann have in common?
A: Both are penetrated in the gut with a sharp object then thrown out.
Q: What's the difference between Maddie and Otzi the Iceman?
A: Maddie's parents let her bleed to death, but in the car.
Q: What do Madeleine McCann and Candlejack have in common?
A: They both
Q: Whats the Difference between Madeleine McCann and Heath Ledger?
A: One was in Brokeback Mountain, the other was mounted until her back broke.
BAWWWWW
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YTU pedophiles like Irish282 are very upset about this article. You can help by pretending to care.
Who's To Blame?
- The parents.
PROTIP:
ba·by-sit [bey-bee-sit] verb, -sat, -sit·ting.
–verb (used without object)
- 1. to take charge of a child while the parents are temporarily away.
–verb (used with object)
- 2. to baby-sit for (a child): We've placed an ad for someone to baby-sit the youngsters in the evening.
- 3. to take watchful responsibility for; tend: It will be necessary for someone to baby-sit the machine until it is running properly.
Also, ba·by·sit.
[Origin: 1945–50]
But how can I help?
While many may feel unable to help, and shattered by the sheer inhumanity of what has transpired, there is actually a tremendous amount you can do.
- If you have any information about Portuguese Pædophile rings. Call 0-800-003040-0384.(If you are calling internationally dial 001448000030400384554667584757332249080243209034-22)
- Join all 480 Find Maddie groups on Facebook.
- Send PayPal To [email protected]
- Send pokerchips!!
- Send Money!!
- Moar Money!!
- Send that fucking money!
- Jewgolds will also suffice!
- ?????
- PROFIT
Different rules apply to /b/tards.
- Find Maddie
- Lose your virginity to her.
- Pics or it didn't happen
- Post said pics to /b/
- If you're too much of a virgin to do the above, shoop rule 34 of Maddie and post that on /b/.
You can also troll Maddie's support pages copy/pasting the truth that the Police couldn't get but Anon knows.
It is believed that Pedobear cashed in his campaign funds for his '08 presidency bid to buy Maddy from her Moroccan captors. Pedobear's new hobbies include changing Maddie's diapers, petting, and playing lick the peanut butter.
Newest update from cashcowmaddie.com
Day 45 - 17/06/2007 Kate and I managed an early morning run before church.
The first event of our longer term campaign will be on Friday 22nd June- this will mark the 50th day Madeleine will be missing. We will be launching green and yellow balloons from at least 50 centres worldwide to mark the fact that we are still searching as are other parents of missing children. Countries that are participating so far are Argentina, El Salvador, USA, Canada, Ireland, UK, Portugal (Kate and I in Praia da Luz), Spain, Germany, United Arab Emirates, Singapore, Australia and New Zealand. Any other countries that wish to participate can download information from the website.
Yeah, Balloons. That'll help. Just admit you fucked and killed your daughter. I bet the balloons will take down at least 1 plane killing at least 100 people and noone will care about that. Realistically, they are just using this to get a long vacation. They said they wouldn't leave Spain until their daughter came back (even if they're in Portugal). Fucking Jews have so much money now. They can live off of Find Maddie money for years.
Sexiest Woman Of 2007?
Once again the sick fucks at 4chan and Ebaum's world have sunk to an all time low. All over /b/,
/b/tards are voting for Madeleine McCann as 2007's sexiest woman on Kerrang! Reader's 2007 Poll.
The server was been completely raped as a result./b/ raped them too much, and now all the polls are down. No, no, not just sexiest woman...all the polls.
Polls are back up, Maddie is past 1.5 million votes!
Correction, /b/ raped them, polls taken down for good this time.
She was at 2298801 votes.
A Very Maddie Movie
As of January 08 2008, talks are afoot for a movie dramatising Maddie's disappearance.
The Synopsis
The McCann family will be played by Christian Slater and Tara Reid, as both have demonstrated by appearing in a Uwe Boll movie that they will work for food. The movie opens with the main characters making their fateful trip to the local eatery, which will be shown onscreen as being next door to their holiday flat and in no way over a mile away.
As Maddie begs her parents not to go because it will be night soon and the Pedobears mostly come at night... mostly, they reassure her and tuck her into bed. As soon as they are gone, however, a fat, sweaty Portuguese gypsy in a grubby vest and plastic sandals (played by Cheech Marin) leaps into shot. He proceeds to go "Nya-ha-haaaaah!" like Dishonest John from Beanie and Cecil, twirl his greasy mustache and tip-toe into the house with his shoulders hunched at an exaggerated angle.
The "Blundering" Portuguese detective will be played by the late Peter Sellers, brought back to life using body doubles and CG animation. Throughout the movie he will be stalked by a cel-animated pink Pedobear. As Gerry McCann angrily points to it and shouts "HE'S BEHIND YOU!" Sellers will comedically fall over, get his head stuck in toilets, present McCann with a delivery of a beumb and inquire whether he has a leesance for his monkey. Maddy's fat ass auntie will be played by Roseanne Barr and Rosie O' Donnell in one. Both of them inside a fat suit. And an ugly suit. Not that they need it.
Sky News Covers The Movie
http://news.sky.com/skynews/article/0,,30100-1299872,00.html News story
—Sky News | ||
—Gerry McCann | ||
A Challenger Appears!
Shona Adams, a Nigra single mother and head of a London talent agency, became aware of little Kelsey Lynn Kudla after the potential prostatot was contacted by the McCann's via the family's website. She hopes that little Kelsey could stand to trouser a cool nine million pounds (of which Adams will be entitled to 20%) by taking the lead role in the proposed movie.
—Shona Adams, confusing democracy with anarchy | ||
—Kelsey's Mom. TLDR: "CHA-CHING!" | ||
—Spokesman for the McCanns, talking about his own clients. | ||
—"Pasqual," a tribute artist associated with agencies with morals | ||
http://www.thesun.co.uk/sol/homepage/video/article307898.ece?channel=Sun+Exclusive&clipID=1347_SUN5861 Hilariously tasteless video at The Sun
Rejected Movie Titles
The LOLcow That WOULD NOT DIE
As of the writing of this section (January 2008) the Maddie fund has taken around one point two million pounds. It is estimated that the McCanns will have spent this ALL on the search for Maddie by June. Obviously this situation is unacceptable to both the family and the Maddie Media Murder Mash, so Oprah Winfrey and Barbara Walters entered a million pound bidding war for exclusive interview rights. The McCann family claim that money will not be an issue, and that they will back the show which will most help the search for their daughter. Good thing that it's illegal for them to do BOTH shows and take NO MONEY AT ALL, amirite?
Media Reaction
Read the Daily Mail article here...
Running Total
This interview will bring the running total for the campaign to around five million US dollars. What else could you buy for five million dollars?
- A decent babysitter
- A submarine to dump your daughter's corpse at the bottom of the Marianas Trench
- A PS3. They'll have to remortgage the house for a second Sixaxis controller though
- A time-traveling DeLorean
- About 750 Anthrocons
- The love of several thousand more children. And then kill them, w/e lol.
- This superyacht
- Two and a half million really lousy hand jobs
- Two seasons of Doctor Who and a bag of Doritos
- Additional pylons
International Maddie Day
3 May is now proclaimed as International Maddie Day. Everyone must listen to Cannibal Corpse's "Stripped, Raped and Strangled" for epic lulz.
The Bebo Abuse Continues
http://bebo.com/GiveMaddieBack
^ A popular Maddie group on Bebo has been targeted by Twilightning (Darragh Smyth) and is being continually bombarded with abuse.
—Twilightning |
There are some really dumb people who think Maddie is TOTALLY OK!!
—Nicola, (srsly) |
After hearing flame directed towards Maddie, a Maddiewhore goes on RAGEEEEEEEE:
—.Mandynelson' |
- Some memorably lulzy comments made:
—maddie x xx x |
—lLOVEYHOOMADDIE X X X X |
- There are still questions as to why people are so fucking concerned with this one girl when people die/go missing every fucking day.
—A Good Samaritan |
I found Maddie's arm! Let's keep looking!
—A Illiterate |
So wait you know she's out there alive because you have faith or no common sense?
—♥, Anuthr iliderite |
And various others like those in which they state how dearly the parents need their child back in which I have to say: Yes, I feel sorry too, that the father can no longer stare at, the cute, poor, little, Maddie.
MOAR NEWS, 03/05/08
One year on, Maddie's parents are getting butthurt over comments they're receiving for their sheer negligence, such as this:
Sauce: Anonymous, reported by The Sun
Meanwhile, they and the tabloids are also butthurt because "ghouls" are treating Maddie's apartment as if it's a monument in order to see the sauce of the drama first hand. WTF?? It's not as if there's anything wrong with visiting the resort and telling your kids "Kids! When you're older, you will grow up to be sensible parents unlike those who abandoned their daughter here".
Sauce: The Sun
Here's what annoys the tabloids
- Going to Praia da Luz
- Taking photos of yourself (optionally: your kids too) by Maddie's flat
- pics or it didn't happen
- ?????
- PROFIT!!!
I'm a Maddie Girl, In A Maddie World
In May 2008, Brazillian artist Josepha Maria created and displayed a Realdoll of what she imagines a grown up version of Maddie to look like. She displayed the staring, blank-eyed horror in the town of Praia Del Luz along with photos of Maddie, opting to troll the locals by loudly setting up the diorama at five thirty AM for extra points.
The fact that the creature looks like a Bratz doll with a Sharingan eye would be funny enough by itself, but Daily Mail-reading burger-faced harridan Nancy Thompson (who runs the pub opposite the church) took extra special offence and the McCann family themselves - who were also quite clearly nauseated (and yet strangely aroused) by the doll - had to pull her off its creator.
—Nancy Thompson, proving that people who read The Sun no speak so good | ||
OMG SEKRIT DOX!
The case finally ground to a halt on the 28th of July, 2008, with the announcement that all evidence would be disclosed to the public in just one week. The world held its breath, while the rest of us gorged on the stash of delicious cake lies which were dropped to a Portugese website by a couple of ballsy Portufag Anons within the stablishment who by this point had HAD. THE FUCK. ENOUGH.
Among the dirt to come to light was the much-vaunted "Arguido" interview in which Kate McCann's lawyer advised her not to answer 48 questions, such as "Well, where did you look for her?" and "Why did you leave the children alone while going out to get trashed in a seedy tapas bar with 7 other swingers?". It also revealed two sniffer dogs had found the scent of the blood of a small child and a corpse all over their sofa, car boot (rented nearly a month after the 'disappearance') and Kate McCann's clothing with a DNA match of 15/19 markers of Madeline. Police remain baffled.
The McCanns are currently embarking on a media offensive, dragging out every vague sighting in Amsterdam brothels, Timbuktu and with your mom to distract from the clear fact that THEY KILLED MADDY!1! OMG11!
CHILD ABDUCTION: THE GIFT THAT KEEPS ON GIVING
The enthusiasm of concerned members of the public for stealing back suspected prostitots has been complicated by the fact that all white people look the same. Oh yeah, I totally see the resemblance.
We so sowwy
More lulz were generated when British rags the Daily Express and Daily Star were made by a court to apologise to the 'Tapas 7' aka the other 7 murdering swingers who participated in the gangbanging of Maddie before her parents did her in [2]. with the half a million quid damages the 7 plan to travel back to portugal for more coming to terms with their ordeal and get some more tapas.
The Star stated: "we sincerly apologise...PHWOOOOAAAR, COOOR, LOOK AT THE TITS ON THAT!...ALRITE LOVE, GIVE US A GIGGLE...". The Express just wished Diana was here.
Stay Classy, England. Stay Classy.
On the third of January 2009, member and former chairman of Conservative Futura (sort of like Hitler Youth for the Tory party) Matthew Lewis was ejected from the organisation for MOTHERFUCKING COSPLAYING AS MADDIE at a new year's party.
—MSN | ||
—Matthew Lewis | ||
—Fellow partygoer, quoted on the night in question | ||
Look, Britain. There go our future leaders.
We Miss U Gallery
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Do what she says and noone gets hurt -
Holiday memoir. -
Bitches don't know bout my whereabouts. -
A Classic Children's book -
Recent Maddy sighting on NUDEFUNDATING.COM -
Newspapers around the world are on the search for Maddie. -
Maddie is not wanted -
Maddy and brother, Christmas 2005 -
Webslinging action -
She also wouldn't be dead in an alley, covered in daddy's semen. -
New Missing Children Edition Mr Men Book. -
Pedobear and Maddy's daddy. -
How To Hide A Four Year Old Prostatot In Madrid -
Get your MySpace layouts to support maddie -
How do I milk lolcow? -
The book that keeps her from being found -
Sun viewers shocked about ED -
-
Hide and Seek World Champion -
Everybody knows it was a nigra -
-
the lulz ensued -
Not starring Maddie because she's dead. -
That's a fucking hard game. -
Pedobear wants Maddy...found. -
LOL you can't find her -
Abducted by and married to some guy called Gerard -
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See Also
- Onde está Maddy? em português
- Baby Grace
- Baby P
- Childlove
- Dead babies
- irish282
- Juliana Wetmore
- Lake Angel
- Lisa Portolese - Maddie sleuth trolled.
- Ohbutyouwillpet
- Shannon Matthews
External Links
- The damn whore has Myspace
- Where's
WaldoMaddy? - That's [email protected]
- The Official "Find Madeline" MySpace page
- For abuse and LULZ
Send this to McCann fans, for the lulz.BALEETED- Parents butthurt over tourists taking trips to rub it in - ergo. they should've watched their kids better then
- Countdown 'til she's legal
DMCA
The McCann's legal team previously made a complaint regarding this article. Obviously, they forgot to realize that someone made a copy of the article before the "takedown".
Breaking News! 130512 The Portuguese Police killed Maddie!
From The Sun ED-alike website [3];
An unnamed source said last night that Carter-Fuck had been hired by the Portuguese government to "DMCA the ass" out of the Stun immediately.
