Tony Alamo

Wanna fuck?

Tony Alamo (aka Jew) has tried his hand at a few different trades in his life. He's been a entertainer, record producer, health club owner, and entrepreneur. However, the one industry in which he truly thrived was that of evangelist. Jew, Alamo used his natural abilities to open the Tony Alamo Christian Ministries along with his wife Susan. Little did he know how many lulz were to be had.

Oh Come Ye Faithful

loli always welcome!

Starting out as a Hollywood street ministry, Tony and Susan spent their days pimping themselves out to all the fine, upstanding, well adjusted, working class folks found roaming the neighborhood. Once they had gained enough money, they took their flock and relocated to beautiful Arkansas. This is where the church really started to prosper and Tony was able to expand his growing empire into a multitude of different arenas including a printing shop, a grocery store, a trucking company and a bunch of other shit nobody cares about. The church was also able to start offering drug rehab, job training and room and board for those in need of help. This turned out to be a brilliant move for Tony as he was now provided with a workforce for his next venture: An Alamo clothing line. However, hindsight is 20/20, and looking back Tony probably should have realized that the labor board probably wouldn't take to kindly to his business techniques. The subsequent raping from the labor board signals the beginning of what would be an incredible downward spiral which included:

• Being sued in 1988 for beating an 11 year old through the kids parents over the phone.
• Supposedly taking 2 15 year old girls from his congregation as "wives" after Susan kicked.
• Being sued for embezzling $100,000 from his trucking company.
• Having his congregation remove Susan's body from the church compound just before an IRS raid.
• Ultimately having to give Susan's body back to her family after yet another lolsuit.
• Being convicted in 1994 of federal tax evasion and serving 4 years in prison.

Since his release in 1998, Tony has resumed his role of head Jew at his church where he spouts off all sorts of lulzy comments such as the pope and the president are part of a satanic conspiracy which was responsible for JFK, Pearl Harbor and 9/11. This, however, is nothing more than Jew trickery as everyone knows that Jews did 9/11.

Church Doctrine

Creepy Alamo's are creepy.

Irrefutable proof that all Catholics are Nazis

Being an evangelical church you know Tony and his flock are going to be spouting off some retarded nonsense. But to really get a feel for the level of insanity present in the Alamo church, a brief list of some core values is required:

• The pope is the Antichrist.
• The Catholic church is the church of Satan.
• The Catholics are also trying to form a one-world government. -Quick someone call Alex Jones!
• If you pray hard enough God will send a squadron of flying saucers for you to see
• Being gay is a poor choice.
• Children should get married at the age of puberty.
• Only Tony knows how to properly interpret the Bible.
• Tony believed that Susan was going to resurrected and as such, kept her body on display for 6 months after death.
  
  
  

Why Don't You Take A Seat Over There

Pedobear loves you.

Y helo thar

On September 20th 2008, acting on a tip they received from a guy who owns a lot of chairs, the partyvan raided the church headquarters trying to find some cp. Along with the child pron come allegations of physical abuse, sexual abuse, and polygamy. The allegations stem from former butthurt members of Tony's church who just wanted in on the action but were denied by Tony who holds on to his cp tighter than he holds onto his jew gold. While Tony officially denied the charges, the partyvan watches you masturbate and as such know that Tony is lying through his teeth. Sick and tired of his faggotry, the feds v& Tony on September 25th charging him with transporting minors over state lines for sexual activity. As of December 6th, 7 additional counts have been filed against Tony which all have to do with secksing up children. Have fun getting goatsed in the big house Tony.

Tony defends himself

Quotes

	“	The living conditions were disgusting. We slept body to body in sleeping bags on the floor. When I was there, I never saw a real bed. At the time I left though, I was sleeping on a cot. We loved it when the weather warmed up, so we could sleep outside where it wasn't so crowded. The bathroom conditions were worse. The toilets were always full because we were told that if we flushed them, the leaching field wouldn't hold it all. So about every two or three days they were flushed. There also wasn't no more than three toilets per 50, 60 men [sic]. I do not know how it was for the women or the children. Showers were very seldom. We either never had time or the water was always cold. I took a shower about once a week.	„
	— One of Tony's factory workers on living conditions.

	“	Susan said, 'Let’s pray. Let’s hold hands and pray and ask God, ‘God if there is such a thing as flying saucers, show them to us right now.’ ...I heard her say, 'Come on Tony, let’s hold hands and pray that God will show us flying saucers.' I said, 'All right.' She was driving and I took her hand. She prayed, 'Oh Lord, God Almighty, if there are such things as flying saucers, show them to us, Father, in the name of Jesus.' I said, 'Amen, Lord.' No sooner had she said this prayer, and I said Amen, Lord then a squadron of flying saucers began approaching us very quickly from far in the distance. They descended from way up high down within a fraction of an inch of the windshield of the car with a speed as fast as lightning.	„
	— lol wut

	“	We don't go into pornography; nobody in the church is into that. Where do these allegations stem from? The anti-Christ government. The Catholics don't like me because I have cut their congregation in half. They hate true Christianity	„
	— Tony butthurt over being v&.

See Also

• Jerry Falwell
• Fred Phelps
• Christian
• Swirlface
• Chris Hansen

Links

• Brief history of the church
• Some more history
• Getting v&
• Site outlining some of Tony's awesomeness
• The Tony Alamo Christian Ministries