Mr. Hands

Mr. Hands himself

Artist's depiction of the crime scene

Billed as the Web 2.0 answer to Goatse.cx, Mr. Hands is the star of a profoundly disturbing shock video of a man taking it up the ass by the horse and dying from it later on. Of course, had the legendary Kirk Johnson himself tried such an act, he would have survived. It is a prime example of why the fandom of Furries is so god-damn mother-fucking fucked up.

The Story

A typical Friday night for Theo Hansen

In 2005, a video popped up on the internet called "mrhands.mpg." The video, made in Enumclaw, Washington, outside of Seattle, is of a man being fucked in the ass by a horse.

Even though the rumor said that he died during/after the "mrhands.mpg" vid, this isn't true. Mr. Hands died later on, after he and his friend had too much to drink and didn't think about their safety. The horse perforated his colon, just like a page out of a (furfag) coloring book, and he began to bleed. His friends waited 3 hours before driving to the hospital! Sadly, Mr.Hands died on the way from ass blood loss and then became an hero. It was later disclosed that this man, named Kenneth Pinyan, refused to go to the hospital because he was a high profile Engineer for Boeing and didn't want his reputation ruined. The classic part of this new meme is that bestiality was not illegal in the state of Washington. However, the cameraman, Michael Tait, was fined 300 dollars for his role in the horse whoring. The only thing they could get him for was trespassing. In Washington, not only can the people having sex with horses do so freely, but when LJ Abuse fucks Frank the Goat, Frank lacks legal recourse.

This isn't a joke.

In the wake of this event, bestiality was made illegal in Washington. Of special note is a line in the law making FILMING bestiality illegal as well. The capital's waving at you, Mr. Tait!

	“	What does the yardstick say about the horse schlong's power level?	„
	—It's over 9000!

Was Mr. Hands a Furry?

Wat

Technically, no. There are a few important differences:

1. Furries claim not to have sex with animals.
2. Mr. Hands does not wear a fursuit. Neither did his "partner."
3. As much as we wish they did, the majority of furries don't die after being fucked stupid.
4. Judging by the amount of horse cock in his ass and the orgasmic groans of ecstasy, Mr. Hands is clearly a faggot. However, even though all furries are faggots, not all faggots are furries. There are so many different perversions to choose from.

NOTE: Some argue that Mr. Hands does not qualify for the animal abuse category, because the horse quite clearly seems to be enjoying it. If anything, the "hyoomans" suffered the most. By hyoomans, we are not referring to Mr. Hands himself, but rather the many viewers who have been permanently scarred by watching him fatally take a gigantic animal schlong up the ass.

Mr. Hands' Balls

As you can clearly see on the posted photograph above, the testicles of the man known as Mr. Hands resemble the shape of spines or thorns. Seriously--what's with those balls? They look like a blowfish or cactus or something. Some argue that he's had some kind of piercing or implantation procedure done. However, others argue that frequent anal penetration by a FUCKING HUGE HORSECOCK can't be that healthy for the reproduction organs, so it's no wonder that his balls look like they've been through over 9000 kinds of issues, illnesses and crap like this. Don't try it at home, boys, if you don't want girls to laugh at you!

Even badass gangstas are turned into little church mice by Mr. Hands

Wayne Chiang and his girlfriend

And now he's a subject of nighttime teenage pranks!

Previous Video | Next Video

Gallery

• 
  Mr. Horse = ಠ_ಠ
• 
  The head of diagnostic medicine at Princeton-Plainsboro finds his diagnosis
• Lisa from the Simpsons trying to pull it off
  Lisa from the Simpsons trying to pull it off
• 
  A challenger appears?
• 
  WTF?
• 
  FFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU-
• 
  Having felt left out of the bestiality business, Mr Ed decided to get in on the action.
• 
  Many a furry has had wet dreams about this.
• 
  Spinning horse cock.
• 
  Mr. Handsmen being owned.
• 
  The horse liked it
• 
• 
  ...WELP

See Also

RESISTANCE IS FUTILE!

• Ed Poor
• Bestiality
• Darkhorseman
• Giant dildo of death Mr. Hands would have enjoyed this . . .
• I Hate Horses
• Jasha Lottin
• Pony
• Horsecock
• Shock videos
• swap.avi
• Your resistance only makes my penis harder!
• Zetaforum
• ZOO: The Movie They made a movie about him. Ya rly.

External Links

The Video

• Direct link to the .mpg of the Mr. Hands video - The sound makes it significantly worse than Goatse could ever be.
• Colin's mirror
• 2Guys1Horse.com - stream

Other Links

• Wikipedia Article
• Story about the brothel/stable.
• Cameraman fined $300 for horsefucking death
• Trailer for Zoo (AKA Mr. Hands - The Motion Picture) at the Internet Movie Database (IMDB)
• Guide written by a close friend of Mr. Hands that teaches one how to take such things anally.
• From the same men who brought you Mr. Hands...
• The entire story
• Horse dick revolution

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