Philadelphia

Kool Aid man and Ben Franklin take a pleasant stroll through Philadelphia. The fuck??

Philadelphia is populated by Quakers. They like oatmeal.

This is a map of Philadelphia. Each red dot is an occurrence of gun violence.

The city of Failidelphia is better known as Fagadelphia because of a well-known, overrated film about faggots. It is located near New Jersey, in southeastern Pennsylvania. The city is a vast wasteland of niggers, ghettos and the Philadelphia Parking Authority. It has been said that native Philadelphians like to refer to their city as "Filthadelphia" in reference to their trash-ridden backyards, AIDS-infested public water and the disgusting baby diapers that are strewn throughout the city. Their assessment is correct, as Philadelphia is as clean as a truckstop bathroom.

History

Gravelthroat, former Mayor. Began extending his fail to the rest of Pennsylvania in 2002.

Philadelphia holds the title of "Original Capital of the United States", as it wasn't until the early 1800s that Washington, DC took that title. Many famous and pointless objects are located in Philadelphia, such as:

• The Liberty Bell - A giant, broken bronze bell
• Declaration of Independence - The original copy switches between Washington, DC and Philadelphia depending on the day.
• Philadelphia Flyers - Synonymous with fail
• The Rocky Balboa Statue - Philadelphia's only epic win, which was only in a work of fiction.

The Mummers

The Mummers get their own special section, for those that grew up in philly (sad) they watched The Mummers do their thing on New Years day. It's a local curiosity which, for reasons unknown, they take pride in. Basically it started out as parading musical bands and now it's just overblown fuckery. This video gives you a pretty solid idea of whats going on, it's particularly great since it's all racist and shit which is appropriate for the state. Sure Native Americans have been nailed hard all over the place but in an award ceremony, Pennsylvania would rank up there for fucking over the redman most soundly. Other than a postage stamps worth of Seneca Indians in northwest of the state, all the rest of the natives were killed or pushed out. So none of that Indian casino or cheap smokes shit. A bit on the natives taking it easy

Here, this assraping of the ages gets commemorated by dance, and in this satin and fake feathers fashion, is progressing towards tea bagging.

Food

People in PA eat food the same way cows eat grass, without much thought. There isn't much to be proud of but that doesn't stop anyone.

"Soft" pretzels. These are sold via street carts all over philly and are fucking disgusting and rarely are soft. They are like knotted up dogshits that get slathered with mustard. They are revolting but if your hungry and can scrounge up a couple dimes you can eat one and get a break from the hunger pains for a bit.

Philly Cheesesteakes. These are over totally rated and if you go to Pat's or Geno's are fucking expensive. In their prime form they are basically thin slices of beef on a roll slathered with Cheese Wiz. If your drunk (as most in the state are) they are great going in your mouth and then great back out of your mouth.

Niggers + Niggers = Dead Niggers

Because Philadelphia has so many niggers bunched up in one place, the homicide rate is higher than Keith Richards after snorting his father's ashes. Of course, when niggers are forced to live in close proximity to one another, they start gang wars and kill off as many nigras as they can, so the other nigras can have more hot water to themselves. It's said that everyone who lives in Philadelphia is mentally unstable, mainly because of how shitty the city is. Philadelphia suffers from:

• Having a black person for a mayor (They got rid of Nutter, so they finally be doing something right.)
• Having shitty public transportation (see below)
• Having dumbass mayors put houses on top of huge piles of shit
• Poverty levels nearly as high as San Francisco

Because everyone who lives in Philadelphia hates it, everyone tends to carry a gun around, shooting everything/one they see. Of course, Atlanta, like much of the South, is second to the number of niggers in one place. The only difference is the number of white people who keep the population in check there (PROTIP: Philadelphia is the only city to drop a bomb on its own citizens).

Severe case of the Gay

	“	When I'm finished with them, I'll make Attila the Hun look like a fag.	„
	— Frank Rizzo, lulziest mayor of Failadelphia

On the other side of Philadelphia, there's been a severe outbreak of Fagengitus, which has infected everyone with gay and AIDS. Because of this, Philadelphia is fast approaching the title of 'Gayest City in America' (watch your back, San Francisco!). Hell, Philadelphia even designates an entire section of the city as the 'Gayborhood'. Anyone who enters this quarantine will also be infected with the gay, as well as six guys wanting to suck your cock. Philadelphia also devotes a history month to them, and makes hating gays shun-worthy and almost illegal. Fred Phelps would probably come down to protest this bullshit, if he weren't guaranteed to be infected with the gay by doing so.

SEPTA

Philadelphia's public transporation system is called SEPTA, short for South Eastern Pennsylvania Transportation Authority, although the name was chosen because it is also the city's septic system. It was created by Joseph Stalin as an attempt to undermine the USA during the Cold War by subjecting residents to the most frustrating system of public transportation known to man, in order to force the implosion of the USA. Once he realized that noone gives a fuck about Philadelphia, he claimed that he did it for the lulz. Since then, it has become a breeding ground for niggers (who are permitted to drive the fucking bus), as well as the easiest place to find hookers and blow, but be warned: all hookers in Philadelphia have AIDS. Each SEPTA bus also features at least 100 fat fucks who take up all the room, the stench of B.O. and crazy retards who talk to themselves during your entire trip to West Chester. Just last Thursday, SEPTA got rid of their transfer passes, because the people who own it are lazy Jews who want you to pay over 9,000 to use their shitty buses.

SEPTA is also infamous for being on strike over 9000 different times.

• 
  Welcome to SEPTA... wait, what?
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  Behold the wonders of modern public transportation.
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  Typical Notice to the Public on SEPTA.

Failadelphia Eagles

People who live in Philadelphia tend to be stupid sports fanatics who gather in bars and masturbate whenever their football team, The Eagles, are playing. The Eagles are the biggest failures to ever exist in Football, since they "almost" win the Superbowl every year. Every single year. This is most likely caused by the fact that it's impossible for them to improve. Regardless, Philadelphians always walk around in Eagles jerseys, chanting the fight song while shoving Philadelphia cheese-steaks through their tight puffy lips. While they're doing this, the mayor is busy designating more holidays based on The Eagles, and betting Tastykakes on who can stuff their face the fastest with Tastykakes, because he enjoys the sensation of throwing them up later. Prior to important Eagles games, the team plays the Rocky theme song, which is sadly ironic because Rocky lost.

October 27, 2008 was the worst day in Eagles history. Last Thursday, the Phillies won the World Series before the Eagles ever got the Super Bowl Eagles management responded in the only way that they know how: by drafting more Mormon players. In fact, the only reason why the team has not yet moved to Utah is because the cheese steak industry there is not strong enough to keep Andy Reid from starving to death.

On August 13, 2009, the Eagles trolled animal rights groups by signing a two-year deal with quarterback, dogfighting enthusiast and felon Michael Vick. Lulzfests are currently underway.

After over 9000 years the Eagles finally ended their legacy of failure by winning the Super Bowl in 2018.

Benjamin Franklin

Because Philadelphia hasn't accomplished anything since Benjamin Franklin was alive, the city tends to pimp the shit out of him, and milk him for every penny he's worth. Celebrating his birthday for an entire year instead of one day, Benjamin Franklin is one of the most overrated icons of history since Gwen Stefani was considered a music icon. One out of every 100 Philadelphians looks exactly like Ben Franklin, so the streets tend to be overrun with Ben Franklin look a-likes when anything remotely related to him comes up. Now that he's 300 years old and more highly regarded than Jesus, it's unknown whether or not Philadelphia will just move on. Some say that in 2245, Ben Franklin will rise from the dead on a giant stone tablet of the Ten Commandments and sodomize every Jew in the city, forcing them to move back to their homeland so that niggers like John Street won't ever have to admit to laundering money from the Make A Wish Foundation.

Philadelphia Neighborhoods

• West Philadelphia: Home to a couple of guys who are up to no good (AKA niggers). Enjoy your gun violence.
• Southwest Philadelphia: Niggers. Enjoy your gun violence.
• University City: Hippies, Anarcho-punks, and Drexel University.
• Center City: Rich fucks in their condos, homeless and niggers all over the streets. Chinatown and lots of Chinks. PROTIP: Avoid the black person.
• North Philadelphia: Niggers. Enjoy your gun violence.
• South Philadelphia: Guidos.
• Northeast Philadelphia: The wannabe suburbs, in which residents pay Philadelphia taxes. Also, it's an infested breeding ground for filthy, thieving Russians and other people of Slavic descent who shower slightly more often than niggers. UPDATE: The black man has invaded this area, and the Northeast's response was to bend over and offer their collective asses to the throbbing schlongs of these savages. Residents of the Northeast often give up their daughters out of fear. Pussies.
• Port Richmond: The last bastion of whiteness in the city. People here have stood their ground against all non-welcome groups for over 200 years. Even children and the little old ladies have no problem telling black person to GTFO.
• Roxborough: the area where the most IRL tough guys live (PROTIP to troll any one who lives in roxborough call them a bitch)

In The Media

• Philadelphia is the setting for the Rocky films 1 thru 39.
• Tom Hanks played a gay guy with the AIDS in Philadelphia.
• Bruce Springsteen ^✡sang a song about being gay and having The HIV in Philly.
• Danny DeVito was once in Philly, in It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia, which doesn't depict Philly.

See Also

• Will Smith
• Kobe Bryant
• Terell Owens
• Gravelthroat
• black person
• Meek Mill
• Pittsburgh Paint Job
• Adf-fuensalida
• Robert Wayne Stiles