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Spokane
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Come for GOD KNOWS WHY, Stay because you're living in a meth den. |
Macklemore decided that the only location shitty enough to complement his music was, you guessed it, Spokane
Spokane is the second third second largest city in Washington State, notable for very little, other than being a horrible slice of Florida that flew out of a meth-induced car rampage and bounced off of Seattle. You may remember hearing about Spokane, based on your being surprised that the tabloid in question was not set in Florida. Spokane's population is made up of 99% Soviet refugees, and is the second shitiest major city in the state, after Tacoma.
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Did You Know: Spokane was voted to have the third ugliest people in the nation? Read more: http://www.krem.com/news/local/spokane-county/spokane-makes-list-of-least-attractive-cities/317928718 |
Climate
Unlike either Seattle or it's spiritual homeland in Florida, Spokane's climate has four seasons - this term is used by residents positively, but in reality it means that you might bake at 110F in August and then freeze at -10F in January, and the streets are constantly shit as a result of this and the studs (snow-tires being standard until at least June) and chains. Have you ever wanted to live in a desert that also experiences 90 inch snowfall and weather cold enough to freeze your eyeballs? If so, consider yourself home!
The average winter commute in Spokane.
Recently, Spokane also introduced a fifth season: wildfire. During this special time of the year, thick blankets of smoke blanket the city and blot out the sun - reducing the risk of skin cancer! - and making the anonymously mediocre streets seem like a part of Beijing. In 2015, Spokane's high score stood at achieving the "Hazardous" air quality category, defined by:
- 301-500 AQI
- The highest category, after good, moderate, uhealthy for sensitive groups, unhealthy, and very unhealthy
- Also the same category as Beijing
Luckily, the doctor's orders of "urging people to limit time spent outside, avoid exercising and choose non-strenuous indoor activities" correlated well with the fatasses of the city, so any harm is minimal.
Wildlife
The diverse local fauna of the Spokane region can be experienced first hand at any number of Walmarts, fast-food franchises, city parks, and over-passes. Many of these sightings are posted to Youtube for educational purposes.
Fast-Food Tweakers
California Transplants
For reasons that still baffle local biologists, the invasive species known as Californius Selfimportantus has been gathering like ants to a dollar menu item left on a Walmart parking lot, constantly emitting their mating cry of "I'm from CALI-FORNIA" to any and all virile homo sapiens within reasonable distance. Only the best of the Californians make it to Spokane, which they culturally enrich with their presence.
Lifestyle
Spokane's vibrant culture of meth, junkies, homelessness, Seattle-envy, Seattle-hatred, meth, Florida-style hijinks, and "nature" is the envy of all the even more unimportant counties surrounding it. But before moving to Spokane, be aware of some of these cultural differences!
Meth
Crime
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Did You Know: Spokane's crime rate is also higher for both violent and property crime than in 98% of communities in the U.S That's an A+ |
One thing that Spokane is competitive at is violent crime. Is the rest of Washington, and even the nation, even trying? Spokane regularly scores FAR above regional and national averages, distinguishing itself in a truly unique way:
Spokane's finest law enforcement doubles as a job-creator for forestry firefighters
- Property Crime: 117% above Washington average; 202% above national average
- Murder: 103% above Washington average; 20% above national average
- Rape: 48% above Washington average; 45% above national average
- Robbery: 106% above Washington average; 54% above national average
- Assault: 81% above Washington average; 28% above national average
DUDE WEED LMAO
- FACT: Spokane likes Weed almost as much as confederate flags!**
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Not at all a serial killer -
Just hope he doesn't zone out and drive straight into your house
History & Culture
One of the best practices for living in Spokane is to always reference the few ways in which Spokane has demonstrated some semblence of relevance on the world scale. This occurs through reference to tl;dr events that occurred many years ago, and on which the city has relied for momentum, or to people of minor importance who would rather pretend they never lived here. Some of these include:
- Expo '74, the first environmentally-themed world's fair, was held here.
- Fathers day started here in 1909
- Sherman Alexie
- Bing Crosby lived here
- David Lynch lived here
- Ryan Lewis lived here
- Z-nation is filmed here (despite the show being set elsewhere)
- Macklemore shat here and the residents prostrated before it
Famous Politicians
Rachel Dolezal
Moar info: Rachel Dolezal.
The famous blackface artist, Rachel Dolezal, famously trolled herself into being the head of the NAACP in Spokane, despite merely overdosing on spray tan and having her hair done with pitch. She also taught at nearby Eastern Washington University, which was surely a blessing for the parents spending their money on their children's tuition there.
Lucas Werner
Lucas Werner rose to fame for his righteous battle against the conspiring patriarchal forces of ageism and violent physical disgust, when his attempt to love a starbucks barista ended with much ridicule by the faceless denizens of the internet Earth (minus the Muslims, for whom the barista was far above the ideal age of 9 years old). If only we humans could be as intelligent as he is, knowing that his shortened telomeres mean that his semen cures cancer!
Donna Perry
Donna Perry, once Douglas Perry, is living proof of a woman trapped inside a serial killer's body. After murdering three prostitutes in 1990, Douglas finally had the self-confidence and courage necessary to become her real self. Currently, she is fighting for her life against TERFs and CIS SCUM who think that she is somehow responsible for the dysphoric murder of those prostitutes.
Demetrius and Kenan
Two local youths, members of the local ANTIFA chapter, bravely SMASHED THE FASH by honor-killing an 88 year-old World War II veteran, Delbert 'Sieg Heil' Belton. Unfortunately, the racist Spokane police department has arrested both for murder.
Drunk Asshole Rights Activist / Ant-Police Brutality Activist
This brave young soul came to fame for his daring expose on police brutality, which he smartly documents using a smartphone, well aware of his rights, after be accosted by a police officer for merely asking for directions.
Daren Suiter, the Modern Robinhood
In a moment of epic heroism and justice, Daren liberated an 18-wheeler Walmart truck and attempted to bring Christmas presents to the needy people adorning the streets through which he played tag with police officers. Unfortunately, fascist pigs have no sense of Christmas Cheer.
Local Attractions
Cheese Block Connoisseur
This rare creature, only seen during the height of summer festivities, is known to drown it's sorrow in the consumption of pounds of pasteurized processed cheese food. Note the "Riverfront park" trashcan on the right side of the famous photograph - no one can hide from Spokane.
Anthony Garver
There is nothing quite like 'accused' murderer, escaped from prison, with access to weapons, to add spice to your weekend!
Tambourine Man
Boat Car
The allusive "Boat Car" is the only vehicle in Spokane to have not been stolen, due to its use of a parking anchor.
Fine Dining
Economic Opportunities
Friendly, family-owned businesses
In an example of Spokane's greatest family-run, locally owned businesses, a 15 and 17 year old managed to give back 25% to their dear old mom what money they earned in the occupation of pimping.
Daiquiri Factory
A hip place to grab a drink, experience first hand their Date Grape Kool-Aid, a charming drink that patrons say will "leave you speechless on the floor!"
Coffee Shop ft. Armed Baristas
For those Real Americans out there who are sick and tired of your coffee-shop baristas being too liberal and pro-gun-control, you should feel right at home at "Jitterz Java" - where everyone packs heat, and where hitting inappropriately on the staff carries extra thrill!
Coffee Shop ft. Topless Baristas
If you're like most Spokanites, the aroma of a $6 latte isn't quite enough to cut through the dullness of existence - unless it comes with barely concealed, tassel-covered-tits. If so, you're in luck! There are literally several of these in existence, and your odds of also scoring meth in the drive-through can only improve in inverse proportion to the amount of clothing worn by the baristas!
Serial Killers
The second greatest natural resource to bless the Spokane area, serial killers remain plentiful throughout the year, but especially on Sprague avenue and whenever more famous cases occur in California (Spokane is always slightly behind the curve).
Robert Lee Yates
A man of the classics, Yates famously murdered 13 prostitutes in Spokane, as well as several others in several counties even less relevant than Spokane.
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Trading Stats
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Donna Perry
See above (didn't beat Yates high score), CIS SCUM
Jack Owen Spillman AKA THE WEREWOLF BUTCHER
Jack Owen Spillman III is a serial killer from Spokane, Washington. He is known as "The Werewolf Butcher".
- Classification: Murderer
- Characteristics: Rape - Sexual mutilation - Evisceration
Pedophiles
Only slightly behind serial killers as a key resource to the region's prosperity, Spokane-area pedophiles are especially fragrant.
Paul83
Paul83 is a sensitive soul, struggling with depression, who mentors others afflicted with the same struggles as himself on the internet. He likes boys as young as 9 (if only it were girls, Allah may have mercy on him).
Lucas Werner
See above
See Also
External Links
- Kevin Coe the South Hill Rapist
- Teenagers, 13 and 14, 'attack mother with sword then discuss killing her and cannibalizing her liver' after taking mystery 'blue pills'
- PD of Spokane removes Rachel Dolezal from police commission after... 'a pattern of misconduct'
