West Virginia
West Virginia is crap, you can help by returning it to East Virginia.
West Virginia is a huge grease splattered mine shaft located west of Normal Virginia. The entire state is an inbred infested shit hole, where it is not uncommon for a women to suck nigger cock, attend church, smoke a shitload of meth, then go to a KKK rally all in a 24 hour period. West Virginia is also the lardass capital of the world, and most of its population has appeared on the Jerry Springer show in between collecting welfare checks. On political matters, the entire state is made up of Obama hating democrats who cling to their gods, guns, and diabetes testing supplies. Most West Virginians are METHodist IRL
West Virginia is notable for having the oldest senator possibly ever the fucker's dead! representing it (holding the seat since before they put Sputnik into space) and for having a socialist government totally controlled and ran by evil, Mafia-like left-wing radical coal unions. The fact that they vote for libtards on the state level and right wing fags on the federal level officially makes the citizens of West Virginia clinically retarded.
The state owes much of its economic viability to its close proximity to Ohio, Regular Virginia and Pittsburgh, yet somehow manages to be a better place than all three of them. This is due to West Virginia having nearly no Mexican and, better still, lower taxes. It helps that West Virginia is maybe the only state on the Eastern Seaboard that ain't polluted all to shit, except for the capital city, Charleston, which has a river running through it that might actually be flammable.
Helped by an aggressive national marketing scheme, the state offers lots of inane activities to tourists. Basically people can come and live like West Virginians for a week or so, either camping out in the open or in a shitty RV, and go hiking, fishing and hunting. West Virginians call this home and local recreation. Stupid fucking tourists call this a vacation.
It is also home to the Greenbank Observatory. This giant group of radio telescopes is located high in the mountains in central West Virginia. As part of the SETI project, the intention of putting this observatory in this location was to prevent any interference while looking for intelligent life. As far as picking this particular state for the location, the odds of interference from intelligent life in West Virginia is practically zero.
As for transportation, the West Virginia highway system is made up of gravel dirt roads and the great West Virginia Turnpike, which is sort of like the Autobahn with an obnoxious redneck accent. Ugly orange-painted tollbooths are placed every five feet or so, to charge exorbitant fees aimed at funding the Turnpike and its army of violent, deranged State Troopers.
Because the state is so poor, it relies on radar traps placed every 500 feet, as well as Air Radar Surveillance to catch speeders and impose humongous fees and fines. Speed should be closely monitored until safely out of West Virginia, or at the very least nearing the border, though it shouldn't be a problem as the average speed limit in West Virginia is 75 mph (70, you imbeciles) on the highways, and 45 mph on other streets.
If you happen to be anything other than white, do not drive through West Virginia. The chances of having a run-in with the law go up exponentially when driving while black person.
And in case you doubt this little tidbit, remember: this is the state which held an election which, without being rigged by the coal companies (as they so often are), gave a two-thirds landslide victory to Hillary Clinton over that silly darkie Barack Obama. Better a batshit insane white woman (or what the Hell, a crippled white man) than an uppity nigra.
A Brief History of West Virginia
Back when America gave birth to all the states, Regular Virginia and West Virginia came out as conjoined twins. West Virginia broke away from Virginia during the American Civil War (pulling a double negative by seceding from the secession) and was admitted to the Union as a separate state on 20th June 1863.
While Regular Virginia went on to be successful and prosperous(not to mention even more outrageously racist) West Virginia turned out not quite as well, but managed to win an $11,000 malpractice suit against George Washington -- the sum was so small because nobody in West Virginia can properly count. Still, at the time, West Virginia was run by noble men determined to change the world for the better, none of them having even the faintest inkling just how epically shitty their new state would wind up.
Some decades after the War of Northern Aggression, but especially starting right around the Harding Administration, West Virginia was gradually taken over by a cabal of big businesses companies who cared not a hang for the well-being of the people, fucking over the entire population by raping its resources and manpower. Generally uneducated, West Virginians were basically left to mine the coal they had just sold to some Jew for 1/180th of its actual value. Through the late 19th and early 20th century, West Virginia's resources were exploited heavily and shipped to other places the West Virginians couldn't even spell for use in manufacturing and industry.
Right around the time Franklin Roosevelt took power in the 1930's, West Virginians, sick of the way conservatives had mismanaged their clusterfuck of a state, pinned their hopes on Leftists who drew their support from the unwashed blue-collar masses. Ever since, West Virginians have worshiped Franklin Roosevelt, the God-Emperor of Liberalism, as their beloved leader, even decades after his death.
Because West Virginia has yet to change after almost a fucking century, the Democrats and their Socialist policies have maintained a firm grip on West Virginia politics, bolstered by Marxist "energy" (read: coal) companies. This is evidenced by the recent victory in the 2008 primary of Hillary Clinton, America's Favourite Socialist Bitch.
Should America ever bite the big one, West Virginia will maintain its independence as a rabidly Soviet-style communist state, as the workers in the coal mines will obey Marx's final command to rise up and unite. And then, quite frankly, we'll all be fucked.
West Virginia Today
West Virginia today is rather like West Virginia of yesteryear -- still full of inbred, backwards-ass, gun-toting hicks. Crazy festivals dedicated to either fruit, grains, ethnic heritage, rivers, trees, or music occur throughout the spring, summer and fall. These generally consist of the population of one small hick town being overrun by the populations of four or five of the surrounding small hick towns, and the population of assholes who grew up in that small town and swore never to return, but returning anyway and getting piss drunk. You'll find banners and contests dedicated to the local celebratory item (strawberries, buckwheat, maple syrup, Ireland, and so on), a shitty carnival, tons of crafts and enough funnel cake to kill a Third-World country...which is ironic cause West Virginia is kind of like a Third-World country in your own backyard.
For some reason, West Virginians are seemingly the only people on the planet to think up the crazy idea of baking pepperoni into a piece of bread. That's right, the whole world seems to marvel at the novelty that is the West Virginia original, pepperoni roll. It's even to the point the New York Times wrote a two pager on the phenomenon. Sure, there are calzones and Stromboli all over the place, but try to find a fucking pepperoni roll outside of West Virginia and you're shit out of luck. Seriously. Unless you count Philadelphia, where West Virginia probably ripped it off from, since its available in every fucking grocery store and bakery in the area.
Pepperoni rolls constitute the fifth food of the Five West Virginia Food Groups: beer, venison, mashed taters, and overcooked green beans. It's a goddam fact, go to dinner anywhere in West Virginia and it'll be ger-ren-teed at least one of those will be on the table.
Another phenomenon that seems odd to visitors, at least those that have branches in their family tree, is the fact that being a fat bitch is actively encouraged and celebrated. This celebrating is done mostly by fat, local women who spend too much time in a trailer park and lack the wit to be labeled bitches themselves.
Major steps towards civilization can be seen in areas such as Morgantown, which is a pleasant place to be if you're not over 25 years old, because otherwise it's a maggoty hole in the ground. Despite being overrun by deranged vigilantes and furries, Charleston has a freakin sweet mall nevermind, the faggots from Hot Topic took it over.
And Wheeling, a city that was once the capital of West Virginia, full of Old World charm but since totally demolished and rebuilt to resemble Las Vegas, takes pride in its casino, Wheeling Downs Wheeling Island Casino aww Hell it don't matter, Wheeling's always been a shit town anyhow.
Some areas of the state are in the process of being taken by the Travis Clan, a Salem-based militia group dedicated to wiping out the redneck population.
Things Natives Like To Do
- Drinkin' and drivin'.
- Drinkin' and fuckin'.
- Gett'n drunk and seeing UFOs.
- Fightin'.
- Drinkin' and fightin'.
- Muddin'.
- Over Charging Hipsters for GrandMa's Home Made Jelly that is just a jar of Smuckers they put in a mason jar.
- Overcharhing hipsters for home made moonshine that is nothing more that rubbing alcohol and lighter fluid.
- Collecting road kill so they can get a grill'n.
- Growing herbs.
- Rubbin' snuff.
- Fishin'.
- Huntin'.
- Playing Banjo
- Grillin'.
- Four-wheelin'.
- Playin' the Lott'ry.
- Bein' intolerant.
- Bein' on the Welfare.
- Bein' trendy and doin' Meth.
- Bein' lame and doin' the Oxycontin.
- Huffin' gas (if there ain't no Meth or Oxy).
- Wait'n for the big boom when everyone nukes each other and they can restart society from their mountain survival camps.
Things Non-Natives Like To Do
- Jumping off the New River Gorge Bridge (the only thing it's good for).
- Locating natural resources and using eminent domain laws to evict the poor off their land.
A Word To Tourists
Even though the movie Deliverance was filmed in (and filmed about) Georgia, one should take great pains to avoid certain places when vacationing. No, really. People have been known to disappear into the woods and never return. When out hiking in remote areas, it is not uncommon to encounter hill-folk who are armed and ready shoot anyone who they think may even remotely resemble "revenuers", the Guv'mnt or any authority figure in general. They will shoot first and assume later you was after their 'shine, their weed or their land. The scary part may be that they might have been right, considering West Virginia history.
A recent documentary series, Wrong Turn (and its many sequels) has shed light on the fact that West Virginia backwoods areas harbor inbred mutant cannibal psycho hillbillies. The second film features Henry Rollins's huge neck and tons of gore.
Charlton Heston and David Duke Shed Tears of Joy
West Virginia is also in the top five states concerning gun ownership, in good company with Alaska, Montana, South Dakota and Idaho in terms of states that harbor dissenting minorities of conspiracy nuts, nutcase compund dwellers, wacked-out cults and White Supremacist organizations -- in other words, people that fap to Glenn Beck every night on Faux News, and scream out "Reagan!" everytime they have an orgasm. Luckily, the majority of these fine folk are not native to West Virginia, but rather find ideal hiding places in the vast mountains which are so obscure and boring no one would bother to look for them there.
The adorable anti-Semite Mel Gibson's father actually moved here to be close to a compound of especially vile group of Neo-Nazis, which should surprise no one given the circumstances.
The gun ownership rate in West Virginia is just under 70%, which means there's a gun-and-a-half for every two people. Combine that with statistics that show that West Virginia has one of the lowest murder-by-firearms rates (22/1,000,000) and you basically have deterrence in action. No matter how bad at math learnin' West Virginians may be, they know that if they pull a gun on someone else, the odds are about two-to-one that that guy is gonna shoot back. And them ain't good odds.
Places You Can Go, But Shouldn't
Beckley
Beckley has a coal mine apprentice training center, the headquarters office for the federal government coal mine rescue agency, the Beckley Exhibition Mine, and towns surrounding it for 75 miles in all directions with names like Coalwood, Pipestem, Rockview, Wolf Pen, and Slab Fork. All these towns look exactly alike, except Wolf Pen, which is inhabited by mutant half-canine half-human degenerates, the result of generations of interbreeding with animals.
Human furfags (as it were) born in any of these towns wind up in Beckley, which is the only outpost of civilization for hundreds of miles around. It is a proven fact you can get the Black Lung from coal dust simply by driving through Beckley, making it and Charleston the only places in West Virginia that are polluted and gross.
Belle
Belle was at one point a tiny shithole town with a lot of stores on it's main street. Today Belle is a tiny shithole town with a 7-11. The local police force is made up of 21 year old skilled professionals that always respect the rights of the locals and drive around in Dodge Chargers.
Black Wolf
A tiny town in the southern part of the state, which like Wolf Pen would sound really awesome if it weren't for the things that call it home. Like Wolf Pen, it is inhabited exclusively by things that once were men.
Bluefield
Generally not spoken of, because it can never make up its damn mind which "Virginia" it's really in.
Buckhannon
Kind of like Pleasantville, only not in black and white -- since there are no black person there. Home to West Virginia Wesleyan College, the deformed bastard child of WVU, Buckhannon collects most of its city revenue by charging outrageous fines to the yuppie fucks from Connecticut, New Hampshire and Vermont for underage drinking and just generally being Yankees.
Buckhannon gets more money per capita for law enforcement than the state capital, Charleston, which actually has a few niggers to arrest. The city purports to be a nice modern town thats a nice place to raise a family, despite filled mostly with the kind of people who voted for Bush the second time, and having jackshit for culture or activities.
Interestingly enough, during the presidential election of 1960, West Virginia swung the elective votes to John F. Kennedy: 54 of the 55 counties voted majority for the Catholic bastard. The one lone standout was Upshur County, of which Buckhannon is the county seat, which went for Richard Nixon. This means Buckhannon has been a Red State since before there were Red and Blue States -- in other words, the very definition of failure.
Charleston
The state capital of West Virginia, a grotesquely polluted cesspool that was taken over by Union Carbide sometime before 1940, and later Dow Chemical, who bought Union Carbide after they blew up India (no, that's really how it happened). According to various local sources, an army of furries has long since overwhelmed the parts of the city the left-wing coal mines and Dow Chemical don't control. Whether they make it to Anthrocon, or are simply too poor to go, has yet to be determined.
Amandaville
A quaint suburb of Charleston that is literally crawling with niggers. Civil unrest in the late 1960's almost led to a city-wide riots and all-out war when KFC moved its location to Saint Alban's, another suburb (see below).
Hurricane
Occasionally classed with Charleston because of its proximity, Hurricane is less a town than a scattered collection of shanty-houses. The only reason Hurricane is important is that the pronunciation of its name is the easiest way to spot a Yankee -- the "ane" in the word is sounded like "un", making the town "Hurr-uh-kun". Strangely, an actual hurricane (like Katrina or any other freak of the weather raping New Orleans) is pronounced normally.
Jefferson
Despite being quite literally the tiniest fucking town you've ever been in, jammed in between Saint Alban's and Amandaville, Jefferson is still notable for consisting entirely -- without exaggeration -- of Pentecostal churches, shady porn shops, and strip joints full of retarded, inbred fat chicks imported from places like Boone and Clay Counties.
Nitro
On the very outskirts of the general Charleston area is this awful mess: a grotesquely polluted cesspool of environmental foulness built during World War I to make a massive munitions factory. Apparently they thought it just charming to name a town after nitrocellulose. Lately, however, Nitro has been in the news for being the secret hideout of alien-worshipping mad-scientist hippies who have claimed to clone a human baby. No. Really.
Saint Alban's
Depending on who you ask, the "rich" part of Charleston -- that is to say, people have two outhouses as opposed to just one. Notable for Saint Alban's High School, whose mascot, the Red Dragons, has to be among the coolest on the East Coast.
One must never associate St.Albans with Nitro, or all of the rednecks and niggers will riot. They are so widely opposed to Nitro that the two cities shitty hand-egg teams have a circlejerk on a 100 yard piece of shitty crabgrass and call it "The Battle of the Bridge," referencing a decrepit bridge built over a toxic body of water called the Coal River. This bridge and body of chemicals is the only thing separating the two cities besides the social status St. Albans residents think they have and the extra digits Nitrofags wish they didn't have.
St.Albans likes to pretend to be relevant and call certain sectors of their shithole "historic" because archaic rednecks, aided by aliens, built a fucking road out of bricks and shit on it.
Charles Town
Because no one in West Virginia can spell, people often mistake this confused mess of a town for "Charleston". The only thing keeping this city on the map anymore is the casino, which is the real reason for the national debt given its proximity to the Washington, D.C. metro area. Politicians have been spotted here spending your tax dollars on horses that they race and do unmentionable things with. For some real fun when you've pissed all your money away, stop by the security desk and ask which stall Ameet wanted quarantined for equine herpes. Or just watch for a big metal cart with a bunch of gray boxes on it getting pushed around and give it a good running tackle.
Cyclone
A tiny town whose name is lulzy given other towns in West Virginia are called Tornado and Hurricane.
Dunbar
Despite what others might say, the great H.P. Lovecraft actually got his inspiration for Innsmouth, the decaying city with mutant inhabitants, from this nice little village near Charleston. The locals, who never say much and having an unnerving habit of staring down interlopers to their town, may be rightly said to "not be quite right", which is a polite West Virginian term for "inbred monstrosity". Despite being decrept, creepy, and a guarantee for a mysterious disappearance should you venture too late at night, it is known for having quite possibly the best Burger King in America, with chicken fries that are literally to die for.
Elkins
Sort of like Shepherdstown, but not quite as bad. Elkins has a ramps festival, which is a stinky plant that makes your breath smell like shit. Has a choo-choo train and attracts foamers the way Anthrocon attracts furfags.
Fairmont
You know that one city everyone's heard of but no one's ever really been to? This is it.
Harper's Ferry
No. Parking. Anywhere. A bunch of National Park Service rangers think life sucks because they would rather be at Yellowstone or the Grand Canyon, and will have your car towed. There is nothing to see there anyway, except a bunch of bums passing through during the summer, hiking the Appalachian Trail, and some Civil War stuff that clearly holds way more attraction than anything the actual city could offer.
Huntington
Despite being home to Marshall University, the coolest university you've never heard of, Huntington remains perhaps one of the most depressing spots on the planet, a fact no one has ever been able to properly explain. The mere mention of Huntington in Morgantown is enough to start a riot, as the two cities consider each other worthy opponents in college sports, despite the fact that both of them suck so hard not even ESPN can be bothered covering their sporting events.
While less easy than hearing someone pronounce "Hurricane" wrong, a good way to spot a non-West Virginia native is to hear them annunciate all the letters and syllables in "Huntington", something the townspeople find abhorrent. The proper pronunciation, of course, is "Hunnington". Huntington is also the natural habitat of the lolcow known as Hayven.
Martinsburg
Hazzard County may be in Georgia on television, but in reality it's right here. Martinsburg is full of people who think they are Bo and Luke Duke. Some of them commute to Washington D.C. and play Bo and Luke Duke only on the weekends. For some of them it's a full time gig. Otherwise best known for being a stopover for truck drivers and drug traffickers passing through on I-81, the interstate known for eating people alive with traffic and car crashes, who stop at all the strip clubs and Wal-Mart.
Morgantown
An absolute hole of a town saved from certain obscurity for being known almost exclusively as the home to West Virginia University, otherwise known was WVU. It is generally agreed that WVU is a great place to send your kids to college. At least that's what the fucks from Jersey seem to think. Since Morgantown generally revolves around WVU, and WVU generally revolves around sports and alcohol, Morgantown is basically one big bar and restaurant.
The population basically doubles at time classes are in session for WVU. At any point during football season, the population can triple for a weekend due to all the influx of alumni and semi-locals flooding the town to watch the football team genrally be mediocre. The increase in population leads to a influx of revenue to Morgantown which helps keep it from degrading into a more basic West Virginia town. Though this benefits financially, it also produces three times as much trash as normal. Though this is rearely seens as a problem since it gives the workers something to do by cleaning up.
The population of Morgantown is made up of generally equal parts hipsters, hippies, yuppies and rednecks. And though the yuppies may hide their status by being hippies, the rednecks only present themselves as rednecks. The hipsters are just gay. Since the university is located here, along with a large university hospital, there are quite a few minorities and immigrants. These can be broken into a few simple categories, workers, little brown doctors, human calculators and terrorists. There is a small population of black people in Morgantown, but they are only there to play sports and rape beautiful white women. There may also be a Jew or two...but no one bothers to ask.
Parkersburg
The U.S. Bureau of Public Debt is based here, which is appropriate, as the whole place is a clusterfuck of clinical depression, almost as bad as Huntington, but without a nationally accredited university to back it up.
Princeton
Although supposed to be known for its Visitor's Center, which from certain angles looks like Dr. Wily's castle, Princeton is mostly famous for having the best Wendy's restaurant ever. Sometime in the mid-90's, a rumor got out that this was due to the cooks hunting people from Ohio, using their meat for the hamburgers and their bodyfat for cooking grease...but nobody cared, because the burgers were (and are) just too damn delicious.
Rand
Known to the locals as "Dodge City". It has been given this name because anyone other than a native to the community should dodge this shithole. It is known as a breeding ground for young entrepreneurs to produce and market their product for distribution to eager consumers. Also known as the hometown of NFL star Randy Moss.
Salem
See "West Union" below, but add a dash of black person and a sprinkle of azn. The Travis Clan, who have had a loose grip over the region for the past decade, are based here. They're forces are doing their best to knock down the rabid, incest swarms of rednecks, but they may require reinforcements soon.
Shepherdstown
Mostly a bunch of Birkenstock-wearing yuppies pretending to be hippie freaks while hanging out at farmer's markets selling organic tofu and smoking wacky tobacky. Despite appearances, there are no actual hippies living within eight miles of town, and any sighting of hippies within city limits is either a suburbanite playing pretend or an actual hippie who just stopped by to laugh at anyone who has shaved since the late sixties. The town has a wide array of pretentious shops, peddling arts and crafts made by some pretentious "women's collective" in Guatemala at prices that make you want to look into investing in rice paddies and mud farms. This is assuming that you can even enter these quaint little purveyors of overpriced horseshit as most of the storefronts and sidewalks are choked with townies, gays, collegiate dyke wannabees, skater punks, and scenester/emo kids from the "University". The entire town reeks of estrogen, and any man deciding to make a day trip there is advised to keep a can of bear mace close at hand.
Tornado
Like Hurricane (and Cyclone, for that matter), Tornado is an insignificant town named for a violent storm that is pronounced the wrong way: "Tor-NAH-do", instead of "Tor-NAY-do". Once again, an actual tornado is pronounced as it should be when spoken of by locals.
Weirton
Weirton wanted to be Pittsburgh when it grew up. Instead it is Wheeling's little brat kid to the immediate north.
Welch
This used to be a major town. Now it's all boarded up, and gets flooded out a lot. All the action long ago moved up to Beckley, which isn't saying a whole lot. No, seriously, this town lost 80% of its population in the last three decades. This is a higher rate of loss than the rate of tooth loss in Huntington plus money loss in Charles Town and Wheeling combined.
Gay
Where you live.
West Union
A small town in the north-central region of the state that was supposedly a booming community "back-n-th-day". Now just a steaming shitpile of wiggers and drug addicts. Most of the residents who aren't one of these are racist, homophobic, conservative assholes who like anal and oral sex with animals. Note that this area is the second to be taken by the Travis Clan.It was claimed with the help of their allies, the Gawroriski's
Wheeling
Once upon a time, Wheeling was the magnificent capital of the freedom-loving confederacy of self-reliant mountain men that came to be known as West Virginia. Now, it is described by most as "Pittsburgh's Truckstop", priding itself on six of the Seven Deadly Sins -- omitting Lust, as no one in that city is attractive enough to warrant it. Cheap diners, floozies and slot machines are aplenty in Wheeling, if you ever want to see just how fast a noble and just idea can devolve into a grotesque shithole. Every year Wheeling attracts over 9000 Fayette County, Pennsylvania hicks looking to legally gamble and purchase fireworks.
The "Unincorporated Communities"
Few and far between, these communities dot the hills of the Appalachian Mountains and offer little enjoyment employment and are only good if you feel like looking at leaves during the fall. If you believe the hype, which some do, several of the asylums featured in "The Holders" are in these areas, which makes the pretty leaves during the fall far less appealing for the average tourist.
Chester
Founded at least 100 years ago Chester has become the shinning jewel of the norther panhandle, which doesn't say much for the rest of the state. Formerly a city of steel mill and pottery workers, and home of the Worlds Largest Teapot, Chester is now a "nice to drive through but wouldn't live there" town. The only thing keeping Chester relevant now-a-days is the decrepit Mountaineer Casino Racetrack & Resort. Mountaineer Park used to be a thriving business until Jew took over as GM, now the place has turned into a real FAIL. They only thing Chester has going for it is that Pittsburgh is 40 minutes south.
Places You Can't Go, But Should
Ichor Falls
A fictional community located "somewhere" in West Virginia. Despite being fictional, the sad truth is that many of the scary stories told in and about it are more or less representative of the whole state itself.
Silent Hill
The weird thing is, people insist the place is real, but they might be confusing it with the real life town of Centralia, Pennsylvania. Then again, there's always the sick fucks who really do want Pyramid Head to rape them, and want it so bad they'd be willing to believe anything. Deranged locals who insist it's a real town say things like SILENT HILL FUCK YEAH TOLUCA COUNTY!
West Virginia In the Media
The great state of West Virginia is home to the highest per capita rate of general weirdness in the entire country, outdoing the witches of Massachusetts and the Jersey Devil by a longshot.
Ichor Falls, the fictional (or is it?) community in the western part of the state, has its own website (see above) and other creepy goings-on, like The Moth Man, have had whole movies to document them. In addition, movies like Wrong Turn (see above) which reinforce the negative stereotype of West Virginia as being populated by demented cannibals, have been brought out for the general public's edification in a failed attempt to draw attention, any attention, to this neglected podunk backwoods clusterfuck called a state.
Kudos to The Greaseman's Secret sauce:
On the Web
Contrary to popular belief, West Virginia is not only highly proficient in the new-fangled series of tubes called the Internet, but creates much drama on it, too.
The state as a whole produces an unusually high volume of furfags, in fact providing Fchan with a booming business of isolated, lonely zoophiles who need their fix of ghastly yiff porn -- little wonder with towns like Black Wolf and Wolf Pen. This is especially true most everywhere in the state, given that the most attractive woman in town tends to be the farmer's horse.
West Virginia is also responsible for 99.9% of all Star Trek fanfiction, most of it worse than many people on FanFiction.Net are accustomed to -- a proven fact that has yet to be (ironically) scientifically explained.
Some Handy YouTubes
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Some Handy Links
- The Mighty Secret Seven, redneck journalists.
- Hey, fuck you. Your state has dumb laws too...
- Abaguchie lore. Kinda like Bigfoot, only dumber.
- Another crazy-ass alien/Monstrous creature, born and bred in West Virginia.
- Haunted nuthouse in Weston, featured on "Ghost Hunters" and a Travel Channel special.
- Come jump off a really high fucking bridge!
- Home of the first land battle of the Civil War, known more accurately as "The War of Northern Aggression".
Yar ye yer yippin y'all be from them thar city?
Most non-residents of West Virginia have a difficult time comprehending the language of the locals. This is putting it mildly.
An example
This can be translated:
How To Speak West Virginian
West Virginia uses an incomprehensible form of gibberish, slackjaw-yokelism and Appalachian drawl as its common dialect. Imagine, if you will, a state full of Boomhauers or residents of Pickham from Dragon Quest, but sounding like they just emerged from an abandoned coal pit. That, ladies and gentlemen, is what you will find most commonly in West Virginia.
General Rules
- Not pronouncing the letter "g" in the suffix "ing".
- Pronouncing "-ire" to sound like "-ahr". I'm gonna set a tahr on fahr.
- Pronouncing "-ere" to sound like "-ahr". Watch out! Thar's a bahr over yonder!
- Omitting the leading "th-" sound. 'at 'ere coon dun stole muh bike!
- The word "creek", referring to a small flowing body of water, is pronounced "crick".
- Begin present tense verbs an "a" sound. I's a'gonna go a'walkin' up n'to Cletus fer a jaw.
- Pronouncing "r" where there isn't. "Warsh yer arse!"
- Answering the phone with an added extra syllable: "Nnnhello?" or alternatively, "Y'ello."
- As a general rule, try to get all your verbs in the wrong tense or case and add extra verbs and location modifiers anywhere you can. I saw that on the local news broadcast this evening. becomes I dun seen it on th' TV this here evenin'.
- When in doubt, run three or four words together to make a semi-nonsensical phrase. I am never going to do that again. becomes Ai'ner'goin'do that 'gin.
- Always, ALWAYS use the word "ain't" to replace "is not, isn't, I am not, I have not," or any other form of the word "be" indicating a negative state. Nnnhello. Yep. Dun hear'd that thar frum Billy. How'n'a'Hell is a bar 'n a crick gon' be puttin' out a tahr fahr? Ain't ner' hear'd such a yarn.
What West Virginia Has Given America
West Virginia actually does produce quite a bit for America, including:
- The Jerry Springer show.
- Athletes from the Black minority (like 1.1% of the population).
- Journalists, of the liberal crusading kind.
- Hillary Clinton and John McCain supporters.
- Senator Robert Byrd, also known as Moses and, back in the day, "Old Sheet", because of his one-time membership in the KKK.
- Noisy governors like Joe Man-Chin and Bob Wise, the latter of whom hates him some Abercrombie & Fitch.
- The guy who broke the sound barrier, Chuck Yeager, who has an airport named for him.
- Jennifer Garner, proving not all West Virginia chicks are grotesquely unattractive.
- Coal, and lots of it.
- The evil Marxist coal companies.
- Jesco.
- Couches, to replace those burned after football games.
Trolling Wess'erginians
- Telling incest jokes.
- Asking, "What part of western Virginia are you from?" or "Is that near Richmond or Roanoke?"
- Being educated.
- Being black.
- Being black and educated.
- Being black and educated and president.
- Mentioning how outdated and stupid hunting is.
- Saying John F. Kennedy and/or Franklin Roosevelt were anything but the best damn presidents evar.
Dang Ol' Gallery
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West Virginia's Next Top Model contestants. -
Dangerous hillbillies like this are found in "hollers". Avoid by not going "up the holler" or "down in the holler". -
A generic WV Driver's License. -
West Virginia: we have guns, we have fat white people. Join the fun!
