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If you however are super impatient, email Tabs directly at [email protected] with your preferred username and associated email address AND ONLY TO REGISTER.Alcohol
tl;dr: Alcohol is man's greatest achievement. Failure to regularly enjoy alcohol makes you a stupid mormon faggot. Alcohol is consumed by people who enjoy its ability to make you completely retarded. Despite what mormon propaganda may say, there are no negative effects from alcohol consumption. Wives usually deserve their beatings, drunk driving is way more fun than regular driving, and what did your liver ever do for you anyway?
Alcohol (moar liek alcoLOL, amirite??), or EtOH for nerds, is considered "frikkin' awesome" by many people. When drinking alcohol or under effects of alcohol and using a computer, be sure to refer to alcohol as alcolol.
Sometimes the mind needs a little unhinging, something to help all the synapses fire at once. Certainly, the correlation between boozing it up and the creation of great literature is a time-tested truism: just ask Dylan Thomas, Ernest Hemingway, Edgar Allen Poe, F. Scott Fitzgerald, Herman Mellville, Eugene O'Neill, Truman Capote, William Faulkner, James Joyce, Jack London, or Ann Coulter, though it did help pwn the first four.
The fact of one's insobriety is an excellent reason (all may agree) to post to your favorite blog, BBS, or message board (because why talk to real people whilst drunk when you can be on teh internetz, right?). You hit your stride, your muse sticks her tongue straight into your ear, all your arguments are unassailable, everybody loves you, and your directionless passion explodes in the forensic equivalent of Great Solar Stance kung-fu. Then you go to bed and, when you wake up, you've been transported to a parallel Bizarro-universe where actually you sounded like an ass and every loveless dweeb is calling you on it. Also you might vomit. Unfortunately, alcohol is one of the largest proprietors of retardedness, 2nd only to Naruto.
By this mystical, counter-intuitive path it may be supposed that some drama results. Do not blame the alcohol, however; blame the mortal vessel too weak to refract its blinding genius into an intense, coherent beam. And, by all means, have some more.
Alcoholics make good mods on hogville.net and bantown.
As a side note, one can always drink moar alcohol. It is a proven medical fact that no amount of alcohol is enough to be fatal. This is absolute truth, and you should go out and drink right now because it will make you attractive. Enjoy your alcoholic coma, guaranteed you will wake up half an hour after you have to be somewhere. It's not like you had anything better to do anyway.
Types of Alcohol
Vodka
Vodka is the staple food and drink of Russia. Today, vodka is made from grains, but originally by the Polish niggers from potatoes, which were cleverly stolen from the Irish in 1845. Vodka is known for tasting completely identical to nail polish remover no matter what; you could switch a friend's pricey bottle of Grey Goose with some watered-down Everclear, and the stupid bastard wouldn't even know the difference. It is because of this completely neutral taste that vodka is a perfect drink for mixing. Many vodkas also come in artificial flavors so that gay people can enjoy it too. Drink it straight from the bottle for lulz, best done under bridges or at school. You should drink Russian Standard faggot, it will put hairs on your chest AND your liver.
Whiskey
"I like my whiskey the way I like my women....12 years old and mixed up with coke"- A connoisseur of the finer things in life, proving that whiskey is the drink of alcoholic pedophiles.
Whiskey is what real men drink. Made from grains, this stuff is really good for you -- especially the whiskey in plastic "traveler" bottles that cost less than 10 dollars. They usually have names like Ten High, or Old Crow, and drinking one of those in a night is a sure way to wake up in jail the next morning. There is American whiskey (aka Bourbon), Canadian whiskey (aka Rye), Irish whiskey, Tennessee whiskey, the only commercially made brand of which is Jack Daniels, and Scotch whisky (note the missing e; a testament to the reputation of the Scots being somewhat Jew). English whiskey is also rumoured to exist, but no-one gives a shit about England.
Rum
Rum was the lifeblood of pirates in the Golden Age of Piracy until the fucking British Navy started watering it down (which is then called grog) and adding gay fruits and other such pansy shittery. Because of this, a fuck ton of privateers and naval sailors went on the account and fucked shit up mad crazy. The big wig mother fuckers running the nigger/sugar/rum trade were like FFFFFFFFUUUUUUUUUUUUU and then raped the fuck out of pirates everywhere.
There are four kinds of rum: light, dark, spiced, and faggot. Light rum is for mixing (if you're a woman) or for light shooters...but really who wants a light shooter? Dark is for cooking if you're a bitch; otherwise, you drink that shit straight out of the bottle, neat, or on the rocks. Spiced does just fine on its own but Captain Morgan is garbage and Bacardi is just Puerto Rican shit water. And faggot is tarnished with coconuts, pineapples, and AIDS for total pussies who can't handle the real shit. Please note, spiced rum is usually only 2.5% weaker (by ABV) than dark rum: Although, Bacardi sucks ass, and is widely served in bars of the homosexual variety. Not that I would know.
Tequila
Moar liek "ta-kill-ya," amirite? Invented by Mexico at least 100 years ago, tequila is made from the distilled essence of fermented burritos, mixed with the ball-sack sweat of hard working mexican men (Actually its made from the Agave tequilana plant you fagot). It tastes like a mixture of paint thinner and sour milk, and drinking it often leads to projectile vomiting, explosive diarrhea, and sex with fat people. There is even a song about it. For proper usage, one should;
1. Lick a line of salt. 2. Down a shot of tequila. 3. Immediately bite into a slice of lemon. 4. Collapse. 5. ??? 6. Profit
Sake
Japan's answer to vodka. It's only popular among weeaboos, and you need to drink a full tub before you even start to feel tipsy. In a word, fail.
Beer
Beer is, by all standards, the greatest invention of mankind, the second and third greatest being guns and boobs, respectively. Beer was invented by America in 5000 B.C., a fact that has been disputed for many years by filthy, gay German nazis. Beer is made by putting yeast, sugar, germinated barley, and hops inside a big sealed jug of urine and leaving it in a basement for a few weeks. After the jug explodes, the beer is scraped off the floor and walls, put in bottles and is now ready to be shipped to thirsty rednecks everywhere. There are many types of beer all over the world, but the most popular is malt liquor, a type of beer that is brewed in filthy bathtubs and sold in crime-ridden liquor stores at $3.00 for a 40 oz black person
Fact: 68% of all welfare money in America goes directly to malt liquor companies. (The remaining 32% goes towards blunts, crack cocaine, and pre-sagged jeans.)
Another Fact: Many of us can thank beer for our very existence. Why? Because it's the only reason your dad ever fucked your mom. It is also documented that beer kept everyone in the Dark Ages from drinking the water, which was literally full of other people's shit, piss and possibly the bodies of their dead mothers. The hygiene of most people in those days was only slightly better than that of your typical modern-day german woman (or man--it's the same anyway). Rather than drinking the water that every human and animal within the city limits relieved themselves in, people decided to drink the much safer, and much tastier beer. Incidentally, this lead to an increased amount of fetal alcohol babies, which is why Germany is ugly as sin.
Take it from Susan Boyle
Cider
Cider, like the aforementioned high gravity malt liquor, was only enjoyed by white trash, hobos, and punks up until about 2006, when it suddenly became popular. This is due to some awesome viral ads, to be found on Nazitube. Now, all the scene kids drink it, especially when bored on the internets. Cider makes you leet. Its made like beer, only with rotten apples. One of the finest brands is Dicken's Cider. In The Land of Scones and Alcoholics, cider is SRS BUSINESS, as it is both cheap AND twice the strength of beer. Worshipped nationwide by chavs, students and farmers. It is always a good idea to give this to your children.
Wine
Wine is the beverage that appeals to the extreme high end and extreme low end of alcoholism.
If you are a rich wino, you will probably drink something called Carte Poulet from Burgundy, France. You'll probably smell it, swish it around, and loudly declare that it is dry with just a hint of alabaster voyeurism. Sure, you'll get pissed, but you'll get pissed in style. And everyone will admire you for it.
If you are a real deal hobo, you won't be so picky. You'll go for something that blasts you out of your tank and leaves you a gaping mess. For that, you'll need to find a brand with a name like Night Train or MD 20/20. Make sure that it comes in a flavor for its hallucinogenic additives. We here at Encyclopedia Dramatica recommend ginseng. Make sure that it comes in a screw-top plastic bottle (preferably Easy-Squeeze). For a guide on which hobo beverage performs best, visit BUMWINE.COM.
Countries with large supplies of wine, for example France, have plenty of goon. Because too many losers made their own wine farms back in the 90s, there is now an oversupply. What to do with all this shit? Well the only thing the growers can do is sell it all off cheap. And the liquor stores buy it. Consequently you can buy a nice bottle of goon for as little as US$1.10. A typical example of this is the wine Gato Negro from Chile. Grapes grow wild by the roadside, so every Tom, Dick and Harry makes wine. The result is this slosh that the Chileans themselves wouldn't touch with your dick and their dog's ass pushing. Instead, they up their country's GNP by putting this piss into bottles and exporting it just as fast as they can. The result is the sound of thousands of Chileans laughing at the ignorant gringos who are paying upwards of $14 to $18 per liter bottle of this pig piss, while any Chilean without scruples, honor or taste can buy a gallon jug of it for a mere $1.
The exception to the rule is Sam Neill, who has his own vineyards for use in his wine, drank once a year on Realization Day.
Cheap white wine, normally of the Fruity Lexia type, is sold in Australia to underage scene kids in silver sacks encased in cardboard boxes. The wine is dispensed through a plastic squeeze funnel (not unlike the ones the operate water coolers). These cost about $10Aus and are normally between 2 to 4 liters. (GOON BAGS MAKE FOR AWESOME PILLOWS WHEN PASSED OUT)
The sack packaging has made drinking games with this form of wine quite inventive. One popular game played with goon is Goon-Of-Fortune. Based on the TV fail show Wheel-of-fortune. The game is played with a sack of cheap wine, 1 Hills Hoist (a spinning clothes line used by white trash) and several emos. The goonsack is attached to the spinning clothes line via a peg, the clothes line is spun and whoever it stops on must drink continuously from the sack until the other players have finished singing the Goon Sack Song.
The Goon sack song varies from region to region but normally includes the players name, a reference to masturbation and fail.
A variant of the game involves four bags - a red, a white, a different white, and a mystery goon - anything undrinkable in large quantity. Cheap port is good.
Winners receive the prize of Homosexuality, An Heroism, Sex with Fat Girls and Alcololism.
WINE, on the other hand, is used by Linux n00bs who are still reluctantly clinging to Windows, and are too elitist to dual-boot.
Absinthe
Also known as the green fairy, Absinthe is a wine derivative from the wormwood plant that is often mistaken for a psychoactive Drug, similar to LSD. It will Fuck your Shit Up. It is thought that excessive absinthe drinking had worse effects than those associated with overindulgence in other forms of alcohol, a belief that led to diagnoses of the disease of "absinthism". The first vilification of absinthe was an 1864 experiment in which a certain Dr. Magnan exposed a guinea pig to large doses of pure wormwood vapor and another to alcohol vapors. The guinea pig exposed to wormwood experienced convulsive seizures, while the animal exposed to alcohol did not. Magnan would later blame the chemical thujone, contained in wormwood, for these effects. Care should be taken in picking absinthe, as Czech "absinth" is not actually absinthe, but vodka dyed with nuclear waste. Marilyn Manson has his own Brand of Absinthe called Mansinthe. Avoid like the plague. Hipsters have taken on the brilliant idea of setting absinthe on fire when they drink it, which results in simultaneously killing the flavor and setting yourself on fire.
Alcolol
Sometimes you get really drunk and the various fluids you may have been drinking transcend their initial physical limitations to become ALCOLOL. At least 100 years ago, countless alchemists attempted to discover a viable formula for turning alcohol into alcolol. Upon drinking large amounts of alcolol, the next morning you decide that you are never drinking even though in reality you'll probably get drunk by the end of the day, leading you into a life of lulzy addiction for everybody else to laugh at you for failing at life. You suck. Go and be that guy, no one everyone likes that guy eve.
Moonshine
Brewed and distilled by crazed, drug-addled hillbillies in the mountains of Cornhole, Arkansas; moonshine, much like apple pie and methamphetamine, is a staple product of Americana. It is made by putting some kind of alcoholic substance inside of a still, where the ethanol is boiled into vapors which travel through copper tubing and drip into an old mayonnaise jar. Stupid people often warn that drinking homemade hooch will make you go blind and die, which is obviously a lie invented by the Feds and the Women's Christian Temperance Union.
Denatured
Denatured alcohol is ethanol that has been combined with methanol to ensure that the product cannot be consumed, and eliminate taxes. The funny thing is, it still can be consumed, just now the person will go blind, shit their pants, and die a horrible, agonizing death just because they were too thirsty to read the warning on the label. Not that this stops the Polish tramps, as where most civilised countries actually add toxins that blind you, all the Polish do is dye it blue and sell it cheap. Fun fact, denatured alcohol is normally just ethanol with other bits added in. Heat at roughly 78°C and condense to produce pure ethanol. Side note, you will still go blind, because The Man hates chemistry.
Mouthwash
This is for when you're so degenerate that even a 5 dollar fifth of importers vodka is breaking your buck. It is a known fact that Listerine is 21.7%. You can tell when someone is drunk off of mouthwash because of the smell (and because they can't read the warning label correctly while attempting to edit ED), and the stuff is so toxic that the drunk will be extra fucked up. This is the favorite drink of bums that play George Thoroughgood songs on harmonica. For Native Americans.
Everclear and pure alcohol
95% pure fucking ethanol. The real man's drink. Drinking a shot of this will instantly numb your lips, burn your insides, and put hair on your tits. And if you're a real American hero, you can light a shot of this on fire and try to drink it. This usually ends with hilarious results:
Luxco, the company that produces Everclear, also makes Golden Grain Alcohol. Both of them are pure 95% alcohol, but there is totally a huge difference between the two. Honest.
Baijiu
Pure distilled evil in liquid form. Chinese firewater that could be used to put a man on the moon of a planet in a far-off galaxy. It tastes like a combination of the fires of hell, rotten Indian food and the after-effect of The China Syndrome. Can be drunk or snorted through the nose, even though neither one is recommended. Health warnings do not apply. If you stupid enough to drink it, you deserve everything you get. All it has going for it is that it burns with a rather fetching blue flame. Other uses can be: as an engine de-greaser, curry stain remover, glass etcher, or Room 101 torture.
Mead
The Norse God Odin's favorite drink, mead predates wine, beer, liqueur and all distilled beverages; it was first manufactured at least 100 years ago. It's made from fermented honey, water and yeast. It can be light or rich, sweet or dry, or even sparkling. It may be flavored with herbs, spices and flowers. It is not a wine as it does not contain grapes, and white wines flavored with honey are just cheap imitations of the real thing and often have much lower alcohol content then real mead. Genuine mead is smooth and highly intoxicating, which means you'll probably drink 3 gallons of it, not realize how much alcohol you just drank, and pass out in your own vomit. Don't be fooled by bars that sell white wine as mead.
The world's oldest alcoholic drink, mead used to be the only way to get drunk, but, in modern times, it has been replaced by crap like Bud Light. Nowadays, most mead is homemade by lonely housewives.
Perry
Made from dead pears, perry is what upper class limeys and frogs drink as they wave their canes in the air and damn the poor. It may also be called "pear cider" because nobody knows what perry is. Modern perry usually contains high fructose corn syrup (or "the white man's poison") along with inverted sugar syrup. Yum, yum.
Brandy
It looks like whiskey. It smells like whiskey. It tastes like whiskey. But you'll have to pay out the ass for it and it doesn't even get you as fucked up as whiskey. Fuck this shit. The cheap kind (E&J) may be found at parties, but the expensive kind (Hennesy cognac) is popular among black people and talked about in rap constantly.
Gin
Made from juniper berries, gin is used in pretty much every cocktail known to man. Smells like rubbing alcohol, and is known to fuck your shit up. Taking 6 shots will guarantee vomiting, sex with obese middle-aged women, and waking up in a pool of your own urine and puke. Gin and tonic is the staple drink of an English Gentleman, the only known alcoholic beverage to protect one from malaria. If you don't like gin, you must be American and therefore irrelevant.
ICEEED!!
Driving
It is a scientifically-proven fact that alcohol makes you a better driver. Driving while drunk not only makes you cool, but makes you safe because the alcohol relaxes your body and prevents you from making dumb, impulsive decisions like slowing down in school zones and using the blinker. If your friends tell you not to drive home when you are drunk, do not listen to them. They are just trying to keep you from looking cool and impressing all the girls because they want all the action to themselves. A little known legal loophole prevents suspects in criminal investigations from being held legally responsible for their actions if they can prove that they were under the influence of alcohol at the time of the offense. Thus, murder and alcohol are the most practical combination.
Alcohol also improves your ability to shave with a straight-razor, particularly the first few times, as it steadies your hand from the fear shaking.
Family Life
The influence of alcohol in the family has given family members things to bind relationships with each other since the dawn of time. Several scientific studies indicate alcohol is as important to family life as religion, values, or any other family binding activity. It is customary in the western hemisphere for the adult alpha male (father) to engage in routine visits to an establishment of social drinking commonly known as a "bar". After the alpha male has become drunk beyond all reasonable doubt, he makes his trip home to the best of his ability dodging police, sides of roads, and stoplights. After he has arrived to his home, he then sets his family straight, and tells them how it is and how it is going to be. He often does this for the lulz. At this time it is customary for the lower on the chain, wife and children to then burst out with obscenities toward the alpha male reminding him that he is drunk and he is full of fail. With repetition on a daily basis it is almost a given the family will prosper in a healthy fashion.
Effects of Alcohol
- Blurred vision
- Being awesome
- Drunkenness
- Wanting to fight that girl across the bar
- Wanting to fuck that guy across the bar
- Embarasssing dancing
- Blatant mental retardation
- Vomiting
- Crying
- Acting like Mel Gibson
- Becoming An Hero
See Also
- Aboriginal
- Alcoholic
- ATF
- Crystal Head Vodka
- Drugs
- Drunk dial
- Hangover
- Pizza and beer
- Decantering
- Dying Alone
- Drunk
- Self Ruin
- SHOTS
- Hogging
- Beeripedia
- Pickles
- Whale Safe Beer
- Texts From Last Night
External Links
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Alcohol is part of a series on Drugs [Expand Your Mind] |
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Alcohol is part of a series on Life [Go Live One] |
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| Featured article April 5, 2008 | ||
| Preceded by ITT Tech |
Alcohol | Succeeded by Chuggo |