Belgium

Belgium is a buffer state between France and Germany invented by Britain and Russia in 1942 after pwning Napoleon Last Thursday. Famous for having the highest average beer consumption in the World, even more so than Ireland and the highest average wine consumption in the world, even more so than France

How Belgium would look like if it was how it supposed to be

DON'T KNOW IF WANT

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Nigel knows best what Belgium really is

Belgium's history consists mostly of being invaded, conquered, and buttraped by pretty much every major power in Europe. Luckily, once the 19th century ended Belgium would never ever be invaded again.

After being good hosts to Germany twice in World War I and II, Belgium is now a member of the European Union. It covers an area of 30,528 km2 (11,787 square miles) and has a population of about 10.7 million, which would be invisible from space if it wasn't for the high light pollution going on there. As if that wasn't worse enough, Belgium is populated by Flemings (59%) and Walloons (31%), who can't see each others faces, so they decided to split up the country into two parts. A vast amount of Germans inhabit the east but most Belgians pretend these aren't there.

Belgium was originally part of the Netherlands, but was later invaded by the French, in collaboration with a number of Walloons. England and Prussia had forbidden a French Anschluß, because they were afraid France would pound their asses again, just like in Napoleon's time. So the country became independent. Needless to say, the country became a monstrosity.

Flemings speak Dutch, Walloons speak French, and the Germans speak their own language. None of these three groups can speak the original language in the right way. Walloons and Flemings really despise each other, although both of them are too lazy to cut the umbilical cord. Another reason is that they're pissed on their fruitbeer 1000% of the time, which makes them unable to tell who's Flemish and who's Walloon.

Belgians also sell the majority of their children to people in neighbouring countries, because there is no other way to pay off its highest state deficit in the world. The imported Arab community doesn't do this, which explains why Brussels, the capital, is now 100% Islamic.

The country hasn't had a functional government for decades. Michel Daerden, a French Walloon drunk, pretty much rules the country. He is Wallonia's favorite politician, because they can relate to him. Flemings hate him, because he makes fun of their little language. Michel Daerden is also a great author his most famous books are the green and white book called so because it seemed a good name when he was drunk, pretty much all the time. In these books he explains how the deficit should be solved: selling all of Belgians deposit on empty beer and wine bottles to space of aids Africa. Recently Belgium has started the attempt of breaking the world record having no government. Due to a very fat guy who eats walloons for breakfast and was elected by the Flemings and a Gay Italian Socialist Belgium will probably succeed to break the record. In spite of what some idiots in the country think, nobody gives a shit whether Belgium has a government or not.

In short, apart from the very 'lulzy' local politics from time to time, nothing really interesting ever happens in Belgium. Even when a political backbencher was pushed into the seat of the European President, nobody seemed to have noticed. The Belgians even had to go so far as to import the international newstopics from abroad, in the form of underqualified truck drivers of the brown variety who then would go to spice up the life on the otherwise boring (but very well maintained) highways...

Later, to keep the aforementioned brown variety (and let's not forget the roving bands of European Members of Parliament that plague tha capital!) under control, several specimen of the black variety were asked to come and join the country. As outstanding examples of the human race, their youngsters soon organised themselves into groups of vigilant and concerned citizens in order to keep the city safe. So far, their performance was admirably.

So all in all, it's the same as everwhere else.

The only orginal content comes at times when, once in a while, unexploded bombs from the first and second world war are found. Sometimes during roadworks, sometimes by a farmer when he drives his plow through one while working on the land. This fact leads to it that most farmers - and by extention everybody who lives outside the cities - is still very enthusiastic about getting 'rescued' by the americans in WW2. They argue that at least the germans could do the job more efficient and without turning the whole country into a minefield. Considered that the germans were only fighting belgians, this doesn't say much. Farmers don't like the bombs because you can't enjoy your freedom if there's several ton of exploded tractor lodged into your body. Also, Germans earned many bonus points by bringing in cheap labor. Thanks to the liberators, the agrarian businessmen have to search for it themselves, in countries like France, Spain and recently Poland.
This story comes full circle when they have to explain them how to avoid being killed by the aforementioned 'freedom bombs' in a degenerate version of the only common language left between them.

Successful british politician trolls eu president who is of belgian origin Van Rompuy got shouted at again Previous Video | Next Video

The King of Belgium

Belgium is a monarchy, but like any modern shithole, it is run by elected politicians. The king's powers are vested in him by his prime minister since there is no god. Nobody really wanted to be king of such a shit-hole, so the people had to settle for a guy who was rejected already once rejected for kingship by the greeks. In hindsight, a lucky coincidience. He is one of the few things keeping this non-country in existence. If not, Belgium would be like the former Yugoslavia by now. But still, shit nobody cares about. The reason some people still like this King is probably because they are retarded or respect him because he hits it on with many women. But still nobody gives a fuck.

The People of Belgium

Expect an overabundance of:

• rapists
• serial murderers who secretly live nextdoor as a calm neighbor
• 20 year old baby killers who go on a killing spree dressed as the joker
• pedofiles
• Homosexual socialists
• Priests who rape little children
• Old people who vote for socialists
• Hairy vaginas
• Brown variety

Totally unrelated, the majority of the population consists of concerned mothers, their totaly whipped husbands and their unholy offspring. It's like if an entire country would be run by republicans who think of themselves as liberals but forgot why they call themselves that. To cope with the inconsistency, they cling to certain liberal dogma's, but as soon as the shit hits the fan, they act like conversatives who wonder why nobody thinks of the childrens.

Stuff Belgium is known for

• Beer
• Waffles
• Chocolate
• Legal same sex marriage
• Child Porn
• Jean-Claude Van Damme
• Made fun of by Dutch people

Stuff Belgium "did" but isn't known for

• Fighting against the Romans
• Building Castles
• First stock exchange
• Being Europe's Battlefield
• Inventing the Saxophone
• Electrical Dynamo
• Inventing Europe
• WTC
• JCVD
• New Beat music
• Excellent diplomats
• That guy who's in charge of the IOC
• Hot Tennis Women
• Not making governments
• Walloons who haven't worked for generations
• Having more governments than habitants

Stuff Belgium thinks it should be known for

• Frenched fries were invented in Belgium. The idea that they were invented in France is a grammatical misunderstanding. People will usually shorten it and say "French fries" instead of Frenched fries. The verb "frenched" means to cut into slivers, slivers being very thin pieces. The more you know...
• Train Safety
• Compromises
• Smurfs
• TinTin
• Having a Homosexual premier

List of Countries That Didn't PWN Belgium

• The Netherlands
• England
• Spain
• Germany
• France
• Congo
• Luxembourg
• Iceland (vikings!)
• Russia(?)

Belgian Music

Oh and this is also from Belgium Traditional German Belgian dancing music as you can see, 1989 was the pinnacle year for Belgian Culture. It only went downhill from there Belgium's most important religious figure Previous Video | Next Video

Reasons why Flemish hate Walloons(and why everybody should hate them)

Wallonia is in the South of Belgium. As we all know people who live in the South are not the people you like. Eg. Space of aids is in the south. Mexicans live in the south of USA. Everything in the South sucks and Wallonia is world champion in it. Walloon's will never ever pay taxes. If Wallonia would be a state in the USA all the money that black guy wants for social programs would go to the Walloons. Science is clear on it: walloons have the ability to absorb money. In Wallonia people do not work. They live like termites on the Flemish. Actually they p0wn flemish people in the last 180years because most of them are too stupid to notice that their beer goes to the Walloons. When a Walloon goes to a foreign country where they don't speak that shitty languageFrench of them. He will demand that everyone adepts to him. If not they will go on a strike and claim that you should have more respect for them and be generous to them. DO NOT BUY THIS CRAP. They will also claim that in the past they made you who you are now, very succesful. Do not believe it, it's a trick! Walloons rape children and old ladies in cellars. Walloon' soccer teams don't play soccer, they play kill the opponent. Or at least chop his legs off. Walloons are the most shitty people in the world. Worse than the brown variety. Yes, it is true. You have read it. Worse, way worse, than the brown variety. Who are technically speaking not humans of course, but still Walloons are worse.

See Also

• Europe

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