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Mitt Romney
Willard "Mitt" Romney (AKA Mittens or "Mit-Wit") is an American businessman and cybernetic organism who tried to buy the office of President of the United States in the lulzy 2012 election. He tried to evict the nigger and restore Wall Street to its old self, but Barack Hussein Obama unzipped his pants and pounded him with his election results.
Romney has probably the most inconsistent and dishonest political career evar, changing his mind on almost every major issue whenever it benefited him, and whenever it got him more votes. When he was Governor of the notoriously gay state of Massachusetts he labeled himself as a "progressive Republican" and was progressive on most issues; as soon as he joined in the 2008 Republican Presidential nomination, he was a solid, principled conservative. Unsurprisingly, nobody fell for it, and in the 2008 nomination Romney got pwnt by a wrinkled old insane Vietnam veteran, who went along with his retarded MILF VP pick and got totally raped in the general election by the glorious brown Premier of the People's Republic of the USA.
Four years later, the Republican party was again in the middle of deciding who their Presidential nominee would be, was split among the Evangelical Christian nutjobs and the more moderate establishment of the party. But sometime in early 2012, the party as a whole realized that all their favorite candidates for the nomination were too stupid, corrupt, homosexual, black, senile, or batshit insane to even beat a Kenyan socialist nigger with a massive unemployment rate. So, they settled on the only remaining choice that had any chance of beating the Negro, Mitt Romney, a Mormon android with no personality and no ideological convictions, except those that make him rich, and those which prevent your girlfriend from having that abortion you really want her to have.
Seeing as the majority of Americans hate Barack Hussein Obama for reasons both real and imagined (mostly imagined), along with the massive amount of money that was thrown into the political system in his favor by Karl Rove, Romney should have had little difficulty in becoming the first non-human President. However, proving the stupidity of the party and of Romney himself, they fucked up the election in almost every way possible (See: 2012 Elections), and Black Jesus proceeded to skull-fuck Romney and was easily re-elected.
Special Olympics
Mitt Romney is the guy who organized the 2002 Winter Olympics in Mormonland. In other words, you were able to watch 13 year olds prance around on the ice because of him. Mitt Romney is strongly opposed, however, to any forms of child exploitation, just like many of his colleagues. Mitt said he learned a lot from the experience which inspired him to become a politician, such as "how to kick all the other countries' asses by exploiting the lives of American children and then rub it in their faces later".
Because Americunts can't do anything right, even when under an international spotlight, a hero was needed to save America from international embarrassment that they wouldn't have been able to blame on W. Because it took place in Utah, Romney, a rich corporate fuck who just happened to be a Mormon, seemed like an obvious choice. At first, Romney refused, due to him taking no small amount of pleasure from Bain Capital making every company that signed a contract with them his bitch, in that he cannibalized the entire company while firing all of their workers for the lulz and Jewgolds. When promised all of the hot young Mormon pussy he could ever want, though, he agreed.
Nowadays, Romney touts the 2002 Winter Olympics as probably his only worthwhile accomplishment, since everything else he tries to take credit for is either bullshit or something he flip-flopped on over 9000 times.
2012 Nomination
After running an absolute failure of a campaign in 2008, Romney returned to the political scene in 2011 to prove to the American people that even a faggot liberal Mormon is better than a black guy running the country. Unfortunately Romney forgot that Republicans (and people in general) still did not like him and he watched for several months as political trolls Michele Bachmann, Newt Gingrich, and Rick Santorum all got more votes than him. Eventually the NASCAR fans, child rapists, and business criminals who make up the GOP realized that Romney was their only hope to beat President Porch Monkey and they agreed to give him the nomination under the condition that he keep his magic underwear and other batshit beliefs to himself. If elected President he promised to be both for and against abortion, gay marriage, and Obamacare. There was much speculation as to whom Romney will choose as his running mate, as he had the choice between the fat fuck and governor of New Jersey Chris Christie, neoconservative beaner Marco Rubio, homosexual Christfag Rick Santorum, and Randroid Catholic Paul Ryan.
But, Surprise, surprise: in August of 2012, Romney picked Paul Ryan as his running mate, the one person Democrats thought Romney wouldn't be dumb enough to pick. Ryan was the mastermind behind the genocidal plot to kill Baby Boomers by stripping them of their Medicare, and also tried to call himself an Ayn Rand worshiper and a principled, fundamentalist Christfag, not realizing that Rand was a bigger atheist than Richard Dawkins, who hated organized religion almost as much as she hated da gubmint.
Within 24 hours of Romney choosing hip, Ryan not only flip-flopped on all of that, but made himself into Romney's bottom-bitch by saying "My positions aren't necessarily Romney's positions, but I'm not going to contradict him while we are running or when we are in office." He even tried to distance himself from a 'personhood' bill that would have banned all abortions, most forms of birth control, and even in-vitro fertilization that he, himself, co-sponsored with batshit insane fundie Todd Akin, who was in the middle of a massive scandal after he made tons of controversial and stupid remarks about "legitimate rape". In other words, because Romney's a fucking robot with literally no personality other than what his handlers program into him, he had to choose someone who actually got conservatives excited, but not before hollowing the poor fuck out and filling him with his own amorphous cancer.
Controversy
Gay sex for White Castles
According to Canadian media sources, a homeless Vietnam veteran has come forward claiming that Mitt Romney had oral sex with him in exchange for food, blankets and ‘hugs’ in the winter of 1994. Ron Whitecastle, now 63, says that Romney ‘would show-up in the alley behind the 7-Eleven all coked-up and offer bags of hamburgers to let him suck us off. We tried to explain that Slurpees and Big-Gulps had nothing to do with sperm, but he'd fly into an autistic rage and start humping the dumpster, so we let him have his way'. Experts say that closet homosexuals often resort to acts of intimacy with strangers of poor reputation in order to exercise their sexual urges without interference with their public life. "He would ask for reciprocation but I refused," says Whitecastle. "He also liked being slapped while he was doing his thing. He really got into it." Romney campaign spokesman Ryan Williams responded to the allegations by getting up off his knees and wiping his chin. The Obama campaign has not commented.[sauce plz!?!1!]
Seamus the dog
8,999 tears were shed when it was discovered Romney traveled cross country with his Irish Setter strapped to the roof of the car, Beverly Hillbillies style. The dog apparently was so frightened, he shit all over the roof of Romney's Mormon-mobile, and the feces ran down the sides of the car and over the windows. Romney's solution? Hose the dog and car off, and strap Seamus back to the roof to finish the trip. Romney later went on Fox News (See video below) and loled about the incident, proving that him and his wife are totally OK with animal abuse. At least he didn't flip-flop on that issue.
Abortion
In times of olde, Romney claimed to be pro-choice. But as soon as he became a conservative, he claimed to be firmly pro-life. He also chose Paul Ryan as his running mate in 2012, who is known for his ultra-conservative stance on abortion. A vote for Romney was also a vote for the guy who won't let your girlfriend get the parasite hoovered out of her snatch after you knocked her up.
NAACP
Romney was booed when he told a room full of niggers that all niggers want "free stuff". Experts theorized that Romney thought he was at an NRA meeting, instead of aNAACP meeting. EDiots know that he did it for the lulz.
Detroit
Despite saying "let Detroit go bankrupt", Romney has taken credit for the auto industry's recovery, causing the liberal media to cream their collective jeans.
47% comments
At a highbrow fundraiser, Romney accidentally revealed what his party base thinks of the poor, which isn't a shock. Romney said that the reason why 47% of the country would automatically vote for Black Jesus was because they didn't work, expected the government to give them everything, and had a victim complex. Bricks were shat when a waitron unit secretly recorded Romney's speech to the attendees, and released it on YouTube and to Mother Jones Magazine.
Obamacare
The United States is the only industrialized nation in the world that doesn't have some sort of national healthcare - largely due to fat people. Seeing as how Obama had to give back to the African American community and the 30 million uninsured Americans, and the thousands of college students unable to afford their current plans, he offered Obamacare. Minorities and liberals were all for this. Not surprisingly, the Conservatives didn't take this too well as some reliable sources of info believed this was a step towards Communism/Nazism. So, since Obamacare was going to keep all those damn liberals alive and establish socialized healthcare (which already existed in medicare), what better person should use this as an excuse to try and get elected? MITT ROMNEY! Nobody has ever heard of a better choice fo-... oh wait, he passed Socialized Healthcare in Massachusetts...
Well, not really. What Romney passed was the brainchild of a Jew-controlled idea-factory known as the 'Heritage Foundation,' whose answer to actual socialized medicine - pushed at the time by Hillary Clinton - was something known as the individual mandate. In other words, the government has the right to tax the living fuck out of you if you choose not to buy insurance. What this amounted to was a fuckton of new consumers - and thereby, money - for their corporate masters on Wall Street. At the time, liberals thought this was an under-the-table deal designed by Jew lobbyists, but eventually, the entire issue of healthcare reform was dropped entirely, until some nigger got elected and decided to resurrect the debate.
Because he couldn't get Republicans onboard with the idea, he opted for what is essentially Romneycare on a federal scale, something Romney actually said he'd like to see happen in an issue of the Wall Street Journal. Because of this, Romney spent the entire 2012 primaries running away from his own signature achievement as governor of Massachusetts, which he touted as his sole qualification of being president no less than four years prior. Santorum was especially hard at slamming Romney because of this, but because Romney had a bunch of rich friends with Super PACs, they were able to smear his frothy image enough for Romney to win the nomination anyway.
The Flip-Flop of the Year
After spending the entire 2012 GOP primaries running away from Romneycare and promising to repeal Obamacare, he dropped this little gem less than two weeks after the GOP primaries. Gee, I wonder why? Now that it is too late to actually do anything about it, Romney revealed where his true allegiance lies, as he no longer sees a need to hide from it. Unfortunately, the Tea Party has just learned the hard way that the establishment GOP does not fucking care about them, and will pick Wall Street over them every single time.
Health Care Rage 2.0
Now that Obamacare is technically constitutional, with the minor adjustment of a tax instead of a fine, Mitt Romney and the United Fucktards Association whined their asses off as Supreme Court Justice John Roberts switched sides and sided with the group that actually gives a fuck about the USA. Mitt Romney's response is hilarious, its something a fucking child would say:
Lets just debunk all this bullshit, shall we?
- Mitt Romney says he will destroy Obamacare on his first day in office, which is utter bullshit seeing as how it requires court orders and congress to repeal. Which is unlikely since the American government has better things to do.
- Mitt Romney states that Obamacare was bad policy, even though the same fucks who worked on his bill for his state did the same thing with Obamacare. Also, Romneycare totally isn't Obamacare 1.0.
- Romney states that Obamacare raises taxes $500 billion dollars more. Because how dare anyone make kikes pay more in taxes?
- He said Obamacare cuts medicare, another form of socialized medicine. As if more dead old people is a bad thing.
- He claims Obamacare limits religious freedom by forcing priests to pay for birth control. Slightly understandable, considering his religion routinely creates harems of 13-year-old girls whose sole purpose is to create another generation of fuckslaves for daddy.
Romney on TV
Previous Video | Next Video
The 2012 Election
—A butthurt conservative after the election. | ||
PWNT
After a hard-fought campaign against the marauding Negro, with more flip-flops than fucking Hawaii, and massive amounts of butthurt and rage from the Liberals and Conservatives, the cyberkinetic programmed robot Mittens lost by a huge margin, and Black Jesus became free to convert America into a Islamic communist dictatorship. It was a sad day for the robot civil rights movement, and the heads of many Republicans simultaneously imploded, as they would rather be dead than live through four more years of imaginary Obama tyranny.
Butthurt
Romney was pissed that all of the money put into the political system in his favor didn't work, and got all butthurt about losing. He blamed his loss on Obama giving gifts to blacks, latinos, and young people, instead of on his obvious and massive fallacies as a Presidential candidate.
See also
Links
Click here to view this tired ass video on Mormons and polygamy- A priceless catalog of butthurt white people after the election.