Liz Shaw

This article needs a serious clean up

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Liz Shaw, born Elizabeth Joan Shaw, on a dark stormy night in Wellington, New Zealand, on December 3rd, 1985, is a hambeast currently residing in Auckland, New Zealand. Her interests include googling herself for roughly an hour every day, creating Facebook sock puppet accounts to shut down groups she doesn't like, asking her parents for money, to which she promptly wastes on clothing that she can't even fit in, and throwing intense e-tantrums on the Internets every single fucking day. Liz also likes to pretend she is Australian despite not having Australian citizenship, as she believes nationality is hereditary and that she inherited her Australian-ness from her grandfather. New Zealanders wish she would go to Australia; however, most Ausfailians are highly hoping that she doesn't ever go there.

Liz has been diagnosed by the Internet as having a number of psychological conditions. These are:

Obviously, Liz claims these diagnoses are incorrect and that this just indicates the rest of the human race has these disorders too (sauce in external links section). Liz should know better, and should realize that the Internet is never wrong, and that everything she reads is anything but false.

	“	Get your facts straight: I commented on the occupy winz post, someone posted the link to the page. TO THE PERSON DOING THIS: have the decency to block out friends' names. And get your facts straight, my birthday was a SATURDAY and do not ...try to discredit my friends. If you spent half the time working as you do stalking you would probably have a good job. And please learn to spell: it is 'source' not 'sauce' unless you're talking about the thing you put on food etc. don't bring my friends into this.	„
	—Liz Shaw setting the record straight.

It's also noteworthy that Liz was fired from her day job for running her campaign during work hours.

Personal Life

While Liz has managed to swing herself right into the limelight with her fantastic public performances, there is a lot about the hambeast that has emerged through forum posts, and various Internet Arguments. This section will bravely attempt to document some of the more (or less) interesting facets of her life outside her Political, Media and Performing aspierations.

Identity

Anytime Fitness Ponsonby, the gym that Liz used to go to before they expelled her, to the relief of other patrons and staff.

Liz is currently going through an identity crisis (who are we kidding, she never stopped going through an identity crisis !) and has changed her facebook profile name to "Liz Apple Auckland Sydney". She wanted to call herself iPhone but facebook wouldn't allow her to be that retarded. Her facebook profile picture as was set to the entrance to the gym she attends. The internet was surprised that she could fit through the door. Speculation is that she turns sideways in order to fit. Liz likes to put every single minute detail of her life on facebook and then complain that her facebook profile is PRIVATE! When we all know that if you volunteer information on the internet it is now property of the internet. Liz, as of May 2012, deactivated her facebook account. However, everyone knows that Liz is a massive attention whore and so she won't be gone for long. Hey, and sure enough two days later she returned because she missed the attention that comes with showing the world how retarded you are. Just weeks before her X Factor audition (January 2013) Liz announced on Twitter that she wishes to legally change her name to Liz Sydney. She obviously hasn't figured out that Sydney doesn't want her.

	“	Really wants to change my name to Liz Sydney, for real, like deed poll, through the DIA.	„
	—Liz Shaw 15/1/13

In February 2013, Liz dropped some choice quotes on Twitter:

	“	Really wants to shave all my hair off, Britney Spears style	„
	—Sorry Liz, you're not famous enough for that!

	“	I'd actually say I'm the female Paul Henry - opinionated, arrogant, but sure can get a convo going. I'll be honest - I model myself on controversial figures - Paul Henry, Michael Laws and the like. It's about being different & engaging!I think it's better to be firm than flaky.	„
	—Liz Shaw

	“	Okay when I'm old and die, black is banned from my funeral. Wear colour, also don't sing hymns.... I also don't want to be burnt or buried. I want to be taxidermied, I'm serious. I've wanted it for years.	„
	—Liz Shaw

Previous Quote | Next Quote

Australia

This is a scary picture of the Hambeast in a Bikini. Notice it is inside out and back-to-front.

Liz loves Australia and sometimes dreams that she was actually Australian. Luckily for Australians, she was born in Wellington, New Zealand and while she can work in Australia, she is not a citizen.

Drugs? oh, everyone in Sydney does them!

Liz has tried to live in Australia at least four times and each time her attempts have ended in disaster. It is understood that her last attempt to live and work in Australia resulted in her becoming flat broke and owing copious amounts of money, resulting in her fleeing back to New Zealand to live after Australia kicked her out. A debt collection agency in Sydney is now looking for her over unpaid debt. Despite all this, Liz still has a love affair with Australia and claims that she wants to marry the country. This could be a problem however, as she thinks that she has already married Auckland. Who knows, maybe she will one day get herself a job in the Media over there. Ripper. While in Sydney, Liz experimented with illegal narcotics. No problem though, because in Liz's opinion, everyone in Sydney does ecstasy. Besides, after we have done a weekend of prostitution, drugs, gambling and god knows what else Liz occupies herself with, there is always GOD to turn to.. well, unless you are just too lazy to get off that sofa and go to church. Oh, if more politicians had such a rosy background the world would be a happier place.

Liz also likes to claim that she is 1/4 Australian by blood (usually all in caps) and gets very ANGEY when people point out that she isn't 1/4 Aboriginal and that Australia, being a melting pot of random cultures from around the globe has no ethnic group that you could be associated with by blood (apart from the abbos of course). It is assumed that Liz is trying to prove a blood tie back to Australia so she can then apply for citizenship. She likes to ignore anyone that points out that this is not actually how things work in the real world.

	“	Nothing wrong with Australia. I'm quarter Aussie and proud of it.	„
	— Liz IS Australian 04/10/12

Return to Australia

Following redundancy in New Zealand, and a sickening display of Australia worship, Liz returned to the land of Oz in late 2013. Almost immediately, Liz jumped on the democratic bandwagon, writing to several MPs on both sides of the ditch, trying to get Australia to reinstate voting for non-residents. Why? Liz gave this stunning speech on the TradeMe community boards:

	“	Not being able to vote (which we would be able to if we could get citizenship) is a MAJOR MAJOR MAJOR issue.... I want to be able to vote. I don't ever plan to return to nz. I swear allegiance to Australia and I don't want my NZ citizenship. I want to become an Australian citizen because this is home and this is where my heart is. I don't feel the same for NZ. That's why. I want nothing more than to attend an Australia Day citizenship proudly and swear allegiance to the Commonwealth of Australia. I can't speak for others but I'm Australian without the piece of paper and I want that piece of paper more than anything. Until I have Aussie citizenship I am still tied to NZ and I don't want to be.	„
	— Liz "bondi_girl" Shaw 09/02/14

On the 25th of March 2014 Liz wrote a blog post imploring "immigrants" (AKA dole-bludging Kiwis) to "step back & realise how lucky they are" to have the opportunities presented by Australia. Confusingly, and contradictory to her own statements professing undying love for Oz and the unfairness of her inability to access citizenship, she also made the following statement:

New Zealand

The Hambeast has terrible views on New Zealand and believes the whole country can just get fucked. Here is her opinion on a recent disaster in New Zealand as taken from conversations on facebook. (This has been done in quote format because its cool and saves space and makes the place look tidy.)

	“	This status update will annoy some people but I really and truly do not care about the oil spill near Tauranga, am sick of hearing about it and while I hate the guy I am sick of people blaming John Key. He didn't cause the spill so how about cutting him some slack and blaming the idiots who were put in charge of a container ship who clearly don't know how to navigate. I am also sick of hearing about climate change. People DO NOT cause it. It is cyclical and natural and is NOT a result of human activity.	„
	—Liz Shaw

	“	May i ask why you don't care?	„
	—RH

	“	I'm not going to bother arguing with you on the issue of climate change because in your mind that's what you believe. In regards to the oil spill, I think anyone with half a brain knows that John Key didn't personally cause the oil spill, so they aren't blaming him for that. The reason most people are blaming him is due to the lack of immediate action, and the response time.	„
	—AL

	“	Doesn't affect me and I don't believe in climate change as it is.	„
	—Liz Shaw

	“	Like I said, not gonna argue with you on climate change cause in your mind that's what you believe. In terms of the oil spill, it does affect you. Even if you look at it from the point of view that you're a tax payer and your tax payer dollars will more than likely have to contribute to the clean up efforts.	„
	—AL

	“	It doesn't affect me at all actually and I really couldn't care less about it.	„
	—Liz Shaw

	“	Do you pay taxes? Do you live in this planet? It affects you!!	„
	—ELK

	“	Yes, of course I pay taxes. I don't go near Tauranga, nor do I go near any beach in NZ (mainly because they suck and it's too cold, even in the middle of summer) so it doesn't affect me other than having to read sensationalised articles about it in the newspaper. That's the only impact it has on me, having to read about it. I'm not an environmentalist.	„
	—Liz Shaw

	“	Not really. The clean up with cost thousands or a few million at most, there are a couple of million tax payers in NZ so the most I'm paying is $1 and that doesn't affect me.	„
	—Liz Shaw

	“	Before they got coated in oil the beaches at the Mt, Papamoa etc were absolutely stunning btw and would rival any in Aus, or anywhere else with famous beaches...	„
	—ELK

	“	I highly doubt that. I've seen those beaches and they are nothing on the beaches in Australia but nothing here is anything on Australia. I am so homesick.	„
	—Liz Shaw

	“	I'm from Australia, I know what the beaches are like...	„
	—ELK

	“	Why the hell do you think I want a bridge between the two countries? It would make travelling between the two so much more convenient. I'm half joking when I say this. Yes, and I know what the beaches are like too. NZ is nothing on Bondi, Palm, Cronulla or even Manly just to name a few.	„
	—Liz Shaw

	“	The Mt is gorgeous... (when it's not coated in oil)	„
	—ELK

	“	See I've been there, didn't see the fuss, same with Piha, too deserted.	„
	—Liz Shaw

	“	The Mt is as good a beach as anything Aussie has to offer, but that's besides the point. The cost of the oil spill isn't only a clean up cost, so it does effect you. Give me an example of sensationalised articles? And in case you didn't know, its making big news in your beloved Australia, such a big deal, they are sending people over to help.	„
	—RH

	“	I'm fully aware of that and I am sick of hearing about the oil spill. It's not a "disaster". It's an unfortunate circumstance.	„
	—Liz Shaw

	“	It is a disaster, i bet if this happened at bondi you would expect the world to come to a standstill for it	„
	—RH

	“	Entirely different situation and it would never happen at Bondi, that's the difference. Australians know better than to allow a ship into a prestigious beach and Australians would have a GPS and crew who know how to navigate, plus they wouldn't allow a substandard ship to operate.	„
	—Liz Shaw

“

GPS??? How is a GPS gonna help??

„

—RH

10 Oil spills in Aussie in the last 10 years. They are coming to help NZ because it seems like they are experts.

And the reason why it wouldn't happen to Bondi, ships dont go there because its not on a shipping line.

Previous Quote | Next Quote

Rest of the World

Liz has never been anywhere in the world further than Australia. Most likely, any other country would take one look at her and send her straight back where she came from. Unfortunately for us. Liz has shockingly negative views of anything outside of Australia. Upon reading an article of a young woman who died of a brain tumour shortly after giving birth, she said she doesn't care because it happened in some small town in the United States. She also despises London, claiming that it is an especially boring place, despite never having been there. Liz also hates anyone who is not white. She blames Asian immigration regularly for there not being enough tables free at her nearest Starbucks, is totally against Islam, and thinks that all Indian and Pakistani guys are creeps. She hates the entire population of the Middle East, except for her one-time crush from Dubai - because that is where lots of rich people are from, it is, in her words, the NEW MIDDLE EAST (always written in all caps). Fucking gold digger.

Driving

Liz just found the perfect parking spot.

Liz was born a fantastic driver. Liz is such a fantastic driver that she believes that driving tests and licenses should be abolished.

	“	I personally don't think a licensing system is a way to gauge how well someone can drive. I think experience on roads is more valuable than being able to pass some 25 (which used to be 32) question test and then doing a 30 minute driving test. Being able to sit a test and being able to drive on the roads regularly are two entirely different things.	„
	—Liz Shaw before she got her drivers license.

An example of Liz and her amazing driving skills was captured on a forum post found in the lostotter forums. To save the reader from having to click too many links, it has been summarised below.

Liz was driving along a road (without a license) when a 'drunken idiot' driver in a four wheel drive vehicle attempted to pass her because she was driving far too slowly. During this passing maneuver, they clipped the tail end of her car and it literally, defied the laws of physics, flying off the road and landing itself, rather neatly, up a tree. Of course, she never actually spoke to the driver of the other car, but you know, why let pesky facts spoil a good story!

When discussing this accident on an Internet forum Liz got all butthurt and posted the following:

“

MAYBE YOU FUCKERS WITH PENISES DON'T CARE ABOUT LIVING, BUT I SURE AS HELL DO AND DON'T YOU DARE BLAME ME FOR MY CRASH WHEN IT WASN'T MY FUCKING FAULT, IT WAS THE SCARIEST MOMENT OF MY FUCKING LIFE AND I WAS DOING EVERYTHING RIGHT. in fact the night of my fucking crash I was doing under the limit and driving tot he fucking conditions. it was some drucken fucker who thought he knew everything. i knew a crash could happen, why else would someone drive so fucking carefully. YES IM FUCKED OFF, DON'T YOU DARE ACCUSE ME OF DOING SOMETHIG THAT WOULD PUT MY LIFE IN JEOPARDY. I WAS EVNE WITH A FULLY LICENSED DRIVER AND WAS GOING TO GO HOME BECAUSE IT WAS GETTING LATE AND I WANTED TO BE ALERT.

IT IS MALES WHO CAUSE THE MOST CRASHES, ARROGANT MALES WHO THINK THEIR COCKS ARE BIGGER THAN THEY ARE.

MY CRASH HAPPENED AT 65KMS, AND I WALKED OUT WITHOUT INJURY, THE CAR WAS TOTALLED BUT AS LONG AS PEOPLE OBEY THE ROAD RULES THEY WILL BE FINE ON THE FUCKING ROADS, NO LICENSING SYSTEM IS GOING TO MAKE PEOPLE DRIVE SAFELY, PEOPLE HAVE TO WANT TO AND TO WANT TO DRIVE SAFELY YOU HAVE TO REALISE THAT YOU COULD DIE AT ANY FUCKING SECOND. i THOUGHT I WAS GOING TO DIE IN MY CAR CRASH.

„

—Liz Shaw on the reason she crashed. Fuckers with Penises

Note: Liz was driving 60km in an 80km Zone-so about 2/3 the speed limit. I'd have rage crashed her too !). The photo of the car in the tree depicts Liz returning to her vehicle to reclaim her cigarettes. Liz has had fantastic luck with cars, Her first car she filled with diesel then was perplexed as to why it stopped working. The second car is the one she parked in a tree. The story of Liz’s third car is below:

Liz has awesome skills when it comes to picking out complete wrecks to waste money on. Like her purchase of her third car, A BMW from trademe.com (The New Zealand equivalent of eBay) which had in its description some choice bullet points, like:

'would be suitable to be used as a boat anchor'
'would make a good demolition derby car'

However, to Liz these small things are just inconveniences trying to dissuade her from spotting an awesome deal. That 'awesome deal' promptly died a few weeks later. Surprised ? Liz sure was and decided she just has to send a letter to the previous owner and in typical Liz style, use veiled threats to get her way.

Hi, AAAA

I bought the BMW from you 10 days ago and it has packed up. I'd like to sort this out without getting Trade Me involved. I'm going to remove my feedback on the auction and I would be appreciative if you would refund $400 of the cost I paid given the short time I had the car (10 days). The engine completely died. I understand you stated in the ad that there were issues however when I bid I truly did not understand the seriousness of those issues.

I'm removing my feedback because I would like to show you good faith and come to an arrangement without making this into a bigger issue.

I appreciate your co-operation.

Thank you,

Liz Shaw

027 5336550.

Liz managed to crash her bicycle as well. Rumor has it that she sat on it back to front and upside down and tried to pedal for several hours before it gave up on her.

Suitable to be used as a boat anchor. Sounds like a great buy!

Liz is also an atrocious cyclist. She managed to get her bicycle "vandalised" and immediately blamed her stalker:

	“	Okay! Either my old flatmate accidentally ruined my bike when moving it or the psycho interfering with my life followed me to where I used to live and decided to vandalise my property. I should note another bike on the property has no damage. I should also note that the damage looks intentional and wasn't there a couple of days ago when I collected my mail. If this was the work of the psycho stalker, congratulations, when I go to the police they will be able to fingerprint the bike. I should note I am now treating this very seriously and you need to leave me alone before you end up with a criminal record.	„
	—Fingerprints. All they'll find is sweaty vaginal dribble on the seat.

Hey Liz, it's no one's fault that you take really bad care of all your stuff. As of May 2013, Liz finally managed to secure a bank loan for a new silver VW Golf, at a crippling interest rate of 14.95%. The car itself cost $NZ10,000. Yeah, so much for that student loan. This former political candidate knows how to spend money she does not have. Probably the reason she is obsessed over entering politics in the first place.

Social Media

Liz is well known for frequently changing her Twitter username. The reason for this is unclear, but is probably a mixture of having no real life, and her constant atempts to evade the sane and rational majority trying to point out her constant wrongs in every aspect of life, whist still fulfilling her desperate need for attention.

As of March 2014, her Twitter username is currently @LizLovesSydney

Liz seems to think that the world cares about her opinion and therefore spends more time online that an arts student procrastinating over a journalism assignment. Liz has been banned from a number of internet forums, including Big Day Out, Craccum, and Idolblog and always has a fat cry about this when it happens. However, Liz herself is powerful, wielding the hammer of ban better than Thor himself.

	“	Awesome. Blocked 5 people today. MY TWEETS ARE NOT FOR COPYING. I'm going to say this really slowly for the trolls. GET. A. LIFE.	„

Writings

Liz loves to refer to herself in the third person and constantly writes promotion pieces that appear to be written by someone else. However, it is blatantly obvious that it is Liz doing the writing as it's either a 5 year old that has some form of infatuation with the hambeast... or her. Examples of her writing style can be seen in some of her early political ranting. Liz also had a love for dark poetry in her early day where she talks about ripping the heart from her boyfriends chest while it is still beating and eating it. In mid 2012, Liz started another blog site so she could air her well thought out views to the admiring public. Within seconds she had disabled comments as the praise from her loyal public wafted in. You can read up on her amazing prose over at blogspot.

Reading

Liz astounded viewers of her newly founded internet show, The Liz Shaw Show, by proving that she can read! She also proved why she will never offered a job in the mainstream media forcing viewers to listen to her fucking annoying accent, and enunciation that makes John Key sound like the Queen.

The Liz Show: Episode 1: Dreams

Liz on Cyberbullying

Following the negative response to her vlog entitled "Health" Liz went on into a frenzy, exercising the "power of ban", deleting and subsequently disabling the ability to comment. Sporting a Cruella de Vil coat, she then posted another video about her personal experiences with cyberbullyin]. However, Liz's tiny mind fails to comprehend that her comment "[abusing] others online... is not something people should be doing" completely contradicts her previous Youtube video which demeans overweight people, and adds to the negative stigma already surrounding the issue of personal appearance. Similarly, people posting rational comments on what was obviously an outrageously awful attempt at challenging social media, is something that Liz considers to be bullying. Liz's motto: if you don't agree THOU SHALT BE BANNED!

The Liz Show Episode 3: Cyberbullying

If saying it wasn't enough, Liz felt the need to put her views into writing, while also voicing a few tips on troll management. Apparently taking screenshots of bullying will make the police come and get you:

“

I was born in the mid 1980s. Most of my childhood was spent in the 1990s, before the internet was mainstream and used by the majority of people.

The internet grew significantly in the early 21st century and with that saw a new species emerge. The Twitter Troll. When I was a child trolls were simply dolls that you played with. Trolls had funky hair in a number of different colours and were fun. They weren't harmful. The internet changed that and trolls emerged. An online troll is someone who picks their victim; randomly, sometimes a celebrity, sometimes people they know in real life. The troll will essentially bully their target by posting mean and hurtful things in an attempt to destroy the confidence and self esteem of their target...

So what can you do to stop the trolls? I've employed a few techniques to stop the trolls from harassing me and here they are:

1. Take screen shots. Even though the police won't do anything at this stage, Governments are working on tightening rules surrounding the internet so take screen shots so that the trolls can eventually be tracked down and dealt to by the proper authorities.

2. Don't respond to the trolls. Trolls are people with no lives who need to torment other people to feel better about themselves. Don't give them any attention. I've taken this one step further. I originally only blocked the trolls from Twitter and Facebook, but then they took to my blog and my vlog, so I've now completely disabled commenting. I've had to cut them off at the source. I post on a number of topics and it's a shame I've had to disable comments completely because of a minority but it's the only way.

I'd tell you to go to the police if you're being bullied online but there are only two things you can do - take screen shots and don't respond to the trolls.

Everyone has the right to be on the internet without the fear of abuse.

„

—Liz Shaw on Trolls and Cyber Bullying

Liz and Craccum

Of particular interest, however, are the chain of events that unfolded on the Craccum forums (see link at bottom of page). During 2005, while a student at the University of Auckland, Liz managed to kick up a huge stink with the editor and certain regular readers of the university's popular student magazine Craccum. She wrote a number of letters into the Craccum magazine but no one took her seriously especially after her porn shoot ended up the exact same publication. Liz would get into heated political debates, and her main strategy for winning was to bombard the opposition with several thousand posts everyday in order to drown them out. This got so irritating for the innocents who were just looking for a bit of friendly debate and discussion that the moderator banhammered her. Liz got all butthurt and began emailing the moderators several times a day, threatening legal action against them for taking away her freedom of speech. It's a pity she forgot about this when she started banning left right and centre from her Auckland Central candidate page. Oh well, pigs aren't overly bright.

Liz began signing up under a number of sockpuppet accounts, which caused the moderator to have to start validating each new member personally to prevent Liz from signing up. Liz still occasionally tries to post on the Craccum forums, but she is mercifully banned every time she attempts to do so. Thank the Lord!

Twitter Stalking

Liz shares every important detail of her life on Twitter, ranging from the bus being late to the benefits of tampons over pads. Unfortunately the concept of too much information fails to comprehend in Liz's tiny brain (Liz thinks she has an IQ of 125). So when Liz found out that she is being stalked by a psycho she threatened to go to the police and banned everyone. Warning, the following contains unoriginal insults, some of which were written in ALL CAPS:

“

Okay stalker: You may think you're cool but with all this cyber bullying crap in the media I'm sure the police would be very happy to deal to you, so how about you go back under your bridge and harras someone else. Or at least have the fucking guts to show your ugly face. I am fucking over your stalking so fuck off & harrass someone else. I'm going to the police today. SHOW YOUR FACE. i FUCKING DARE YOU!

ACTUALLY, and to those who actually know someone who has, I apologise, this stalker needs to jump off a really tall building.

YOU HAVE NO RIGHT TO STALK ME, TO PHOTOGRAPH ME IN PUBLIC OR TAKE WHAT I SAY AND POST ELSEWHERE. SHOW YOUR FUCKING UGLY FACE. YOU PSYCHO. TEN FUCKING YEARS OF BEING STALKED. YEAH YOU BET I'M FUCKING OVER IT. SHOW YOUR UGLY MUNTED MANGLED FACE. YOU ARE NOT WELCOME.

SHOW YOUR FUCKING FACE. SHOW WHO YOU ARE. CYBER BULLYING ISN'T OKAY SO SHOW YOUR FUCKING FACE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

AND TO MY FUCKING STALKER, IF I'VE DONE SOMETHING TO YOU PERSONALLY, HOW ABOUT HAVING THE FUCKING GUTS TO TALK TO ME YOU FUCKWIT. COZ I AM FUCKING SERIOUS, AS SOON AS I FINISH WORK TODAY I AM GOING TO THE POLICE. I'VE HAD ENOUGH OF YOUR STALKING. AND I REALLY DO WISH YOU WOULD DIE. I HATE YOU. YOU ARE A FUCKING LOSER. AND A FUCKING PATHETIC IMMATURE ASSHOLE.OR GET HIT BY A BUS OR A CAR. THAT WOULD BE FINE WITH ME. GROW THE FUCK UP AND LEAVE ME THE FUCK ALONE. I'M SICK OF YOUR STALKING.

Hey stalker: check your facts: I'm working extra so I can buy shares so if owning shares is your definition of poverty is owning shares:-s

And stalker: you hate fruit, veges & exercise, how's obesity and bad health working out for yoy?

And stalker: my finances are my business, hows poverty working out for you?

Also stalker: I'm way above minimum wage, how's minimum wage, or the benefit working out for you?

See that's the thing: you stalker are obese, have no job, no friends, no money and you are mentally unstable, me, I'm buying shares in jan.

So if investing in shared and having savings is poverty, you stalker are deluded but I already knew that. You prob look at kiddy porn too.

„

—Liz Shaw spits tacks and bans everyone

Later that day...

	“	More of my tweets have been copied without my consent. I know who you are now, I'm gathering proof. I'm not joking this time. GAME OVER! I'm on the edge of knowing who my stalker is, and once I've got enough proof I'll see you in court. On defamation charges. GAME OVER! If you had a problem with me, you should have told me to my face, rather than harassing me.	„
	—Liz is really serious this time!

And more still...

	“	If my stalker is who I think it is then I don't know what to do with that info. On the one hand I sue them for demotion getting them sacked but on the other I set up a page about them. Tbh I have better things to do but if it's who I think it is I'm sickened that they have such little decency and that they're in the position they are. At this stage I'll do nothing other than gain proof. I knew they'd eventually give themselves away. And they did, 2 months ago! What I don't get, I've never met them. Why do they have a deranged obsession & did they hack into my Facebook?	„
	—Watch out... she's going to set up a page!

It's too bad that we don't live in the same country as Liz, because getting locked up by the internet police for DEFAMATION and STALKING would make Liz happy. What Liz fails to realize (despite being told over and over again) is that defamation has to cause damage to a person's reputation, and lets be honest, Liz ruined her own reputation by posting everything on the internet and would probably have more success taking herself to internet court. Also, going to court costs money and Liz has none, based on her recent plea to Surveytalk to take her back a few nights a week.

Interview with HashtagMe Radio

In 2013 Phillip from Hashtag Me Radio discovered the infamous Liz Shaw. Listen in here: http://hashtagme.co.nz/liz-shaw-the-interview-that-has-divided-opinion/

Fashion

The Hambeast trundling off home after work. Note awful dress sense stands out for miles.

Liz believes she has outstanding fashion sense, when, as expected, the reality is far from the truth. She buys all her too small size 8 and "vintage" Karen Walker clothing off trademe. She also thinks she's edgy. We think she is colour-blind.

	“	That fits with my image. I'm seen as edgy so I gotta show edge.	„

Liz would like to have sex with Karen Walker, but because that is not possible Liz instead regularly declares her undying love for the clothing line.

	“	I was having a conversation today with someone about fashion, and I uttered the phrase, "I love Karen Walker because her designs are art, they're timeless pieces of art".	„
	—Because real vintage is too mainstream

One would think that if Liz is dressing in designer clothing, she might actually look good every once and a while . Unfortunately this is not the case with many of Liz's stalkers testifying to her poor taste in clothing:

	“	Just saw Hambeast! She is wearing the Karen Walker skirt that looks like period stains, lime green tights, a non-matching green top, but I didnt check the shoes, sorry.	„
	—A stalker scarred for life

Liz also has a gumboot fetish:

	“	Wearing my new prom dress for no other reason than sometimes when you get a new dress you want to wear it during the day, with gumboots.	„
	—Liz sharing her tips on how to dress badly

The latest word on Liz fashion is that she is acquiring pieces of Karen Walker fabric to make a Mustard and Orange miniskirt. Stalkers lament the thought of Liz in yet another mini-skirt but but are thankful that they will at least be able to see her coming from a distance. Plans for this awful mini-skirt can be found here: http://imageshack.us/photo/my-images/211/sskirtpattern.png/

Big Fat Lizzie Wedding

On the 7th December 2012 Liz announced that when she finds the love of her life, probably through NZ dating, she will marry at the tender age of 29. She announced that she will wear dress in a fashion akin to that of the Gypsy Travellers features in Big Fat Gypsy Weddings... it is predicted that it will take many, many yards of fabric to sew her trampy outfits. Hot!

	“	If I ever get married I'm wearing a white mini dress, a long one just wouldn't suit me. And my bridesmaids will wear hot pink or red but they can choose the style of dress. This is when I'm like 29.	„
	—Liz once again reaffirms her outstanding fashion sense.

	“	So my stalker doesn't like my idea of a white mini dress if I ever get married, why be phoney for one day? Why not dress as you?	„
	—So you want to dress like a fat slag? Okay then!

Health and Dieting

Liz when she was a small size 8. She is now size Over9000

Liz has a history of following stupid and braindead diet schemes she dreams up herself. She is (September 2011) on one such scheme and trying to lose 10 inches of weight. This diet involves eating 1 x Subway Salad and 1 x Apple a day. After users pointed out how retarded this was, Liz answered by banning these users.

Liz even has something to say on her dieting.

	“	yes i had bulimia, had being the operate word, I don't at this particular point in time. Of course having an eating disorder is a disorder, it is life threatening, it affects work, study etc etc. Tell me, are you a psychologist?. I am perfectly happy and I don't need a boyfriend to make me happy. I have got a solid part time job and a job lined up for Wellington as well. I suggest you get over yourself and stop making accusations.	„
	—Liz Shaw on dieting from back when she was slightly less crazy than she is now.

Soon after going on her new, 2011 crash diet, she described herself as having an eating disorder. In some ways I suppose this is understandable being the Attention Whore that she is. She has already used this as a defence for people telling her she is wearing clothing over 9000 sizes too small for her. People believe this new crash diet is simply her trying to fit back into the size 8 clothes she just purchased off trademe.

She goes to a gym in Auckland which she tried to describe as an "exclusive invites-only gym", everyone, even her friends irl, called bullshit on that. Oh Elizabeth, you are not living in Beverly Hills! She tells everyone that she has abs and that she is losing INCHES of weight all the time. She has, to date, caused approximately 7 of the treadmills at the gym to break under the strain of her huge body mass.

As of the 21st of November 2012 Liz has a new low cal "diet" consisting of:

Breakfast: toast
Lunch: coffee & water
Dinner: apple, mandarin, kiwi fruit & chicken.

According to Liz this new diet will help her lose 8cm before Christmas:

	“	This new diet cuts my daily calorie intake by approximately 300 calories & will see results. I'm already seeing results... that's 2cms from bust, 3cms from waist and 3cms from hips. The last of the fat is finally shifting & those 8cms gotta be gone by Xmas... You see, in an ideal world I'll get thinner than when I did Idol. I wanna be smaller when I do X Factor, there's no time for laziness.	„

However, readers believe that Liz is faking her new diet, instead eating copious amounts of junk food, overdosing on diet pills and then throwing everything back up.

Fat People

Because no one in their right mind will ever give Liz her own TV show (lets face it, who wants to look at her ugly mug) Liz has taken to cyberspace with her cleverly titled Youtube show "The Liz Shaw Show". In an episode entitled Health, while offending anyone who is not anorexic, Liz decided it was time that she shared with the world her amazing dieting and weightloss tips: needless to say, those people who have dedicated their lives to promoting the health benefits of 5+ a day should stop and listen, because in Liz's well-informed opinion we should actually only be eating 3 serves of fruit or vegetables a day, and we should be spending 1-2 hours exercising. Every day. Anyone who acts contrary to this is an ugly, emotionally-crippled, fatty wannarexics who should be on The Biggest Loser. However it is questionable she has actually lost any weight herself or if she is just making it up, with people who "stalk" her saying there is been little, if any change. But then with Liz's fucked up weight counting system where she counts her weight losses and ignoring the gains, it is easy to see how she might be confused. That and she is a fucking retard.

The Liz Shaw Show Episode 2: Fat People

Smoking

Liz hates smokers this week

Liz has, as of August 2012, recently started to cut back on her smoking habits. Of course, after championing the smoking cause for so long, she has flip flopped on this issue and now detests smokers. While it's possibly a step in the right direction, it's entirely Liz like to go from one extreme to the other in one sudden movement and simply shift the hate from one group to another. Next week she will probably be back to smoking again and claiming she is being victimised by society. And to add to the cognitive discourse she regularly spews forth, she is already, 30 minutes later, claiming that she doesn't detest them as much as originally said.

As of November 2012 and due in part to Liz's stringent X Factor audition preparation, Liz has again decided to give up smoking... well, sort of:

	“	You know you're nearly a non smoker when someone gets on the bus and you wanna vomit because they smell like smoke.	„

And in December 2012:

	“	X Factors actually why I'm practically a non smoker. I can't afford to have my breathing impacted by a filthy habit.	„

Liz's 2012 Massive Diet overhaul

During 2012, Liz decided that her life needed some change. She was tired of being a misfit in New Zealand society, and declared a war on her obesity. She decided to join a gym known as Anytime Fitness, and got seriously into her regime to change the way she looked. Unfortunately, her severe mental issues got her a lot of trouble on her journey towards being the new Liz Shaw. She recently claimed to be fitting a size 10 mini skirt, which, much to the dismay of the public, she will be wearing in approximately 2 weeks. Ever heard a fitness coach tell you that you shouldn’t exercise at the gym for more than 45 minutes to an hour? Liz Shaw hadn't. Her exercise time ranged between 3 and 5 hours a day, some times in a single session.

	“	4 and a half hours at the gym before walking half an hour home. There's no change on the scales but I can now get on the size 10 heart print mini for the first time and get the zip up. I'm 1-2 weeks off wearing it in public:-). I can also now wear the size 8 denim panel mini with ease (it's large sizing) so I'll wear it to work tomorrow (I've never been able to wear it comfortably in public so it's a victory) and my face is thinner yet again. I'm getting my regular face back again, which is awesome. It's no longer bloated. My naturally gaunt face is on its way back:-). Right now I'm grabbing eggs on toast for dinner:-)	„
	—Liz pretending to lose weight

An eyewitness shot of Liz on an exercise bicycle.

Liz also claims that, due to her weight loss, she has acquired stretch marks which are visible on her thighs, which are also coming into a nice shape, she might add.

“

in the final hour of my three hour workout and my leg shape is getting awesome. Last week I could only see tone and definition on the right side of my leg, now I see it on the left side of my knee:-). I've also been losing weight so fast I have stretch marks on my thighs and that makes me happy:-). I can't believe how awesome my progress is:-)

I'm STOKED with how well I'm progressing:-). It makes me work harder and the muscle I'm gaining makes me work harder too:-)

I'm not even done yet. Imagine how awesome I'll feel when I reach my goal:-)

Once I'm done I'll be writing a long note detailing all the emotions etc coz believe it or not I haven't posted everything.

„

—Liz updating the world on every little thing she does

Unfortunately for Liz, but fortunately for everyone else, she was recently kicked out of the gym she has been at. This is due to several reasons, the most prominent being using the equipment for hours at a time, as well as using vulgar language when the weigh scales told her she'd put on weight, and dressing inappropriately. One of her posts prior to this was a whinge about the gym asking her not to wear a skirt to the gym. Can you imagine someone of her facades doing a bench press with her legs open for all to see? She also does not believe in wearing underwear while exercising. A slight gag would not be an overreaction.

	“	got kicked out of the gym. They even tried to tell me I'm working out too much. That was one of the reasons I was kicked out. I rung them and pleaded with them but they wouldn't budge. I then rung Jetts and I'm joining this arvo thank God! I am so glad Anytime Fitness kicked me out. I hated the staff there. You can't kick someone who was once obese out of a gym, nor can you tell them how to work out when theyre making exceptional progress. That is BAD customer service. Jetts customer service is amazing though:-). Roll on my new gym.	„
	—Liz being ban hammered from the gym

The official letter from the Gym

Dear Liz,

Due to the recent violations in breach of Anytime Fitness Ponsonby club rules and membership guidelines, we have terminated your membership effective today March 7th 2012.
Club Rules and Membership guidelines violated:

- Vulgar language
- Inappropriate behaviour
- Inappropriate dress/attire
- Abuse of equipment
- Spending in excess of 3-4 hours at a time on equipment, thus preventing other members to use equipment
- Disrespectful to other members in the club
- Excessive time spent within bathrooms

No further direct debits or early termination fees will be collected. Anytime Fitness is obliged to ensure we are providing a safe, friendly and enjoyable environment for all our members.

Finances

Liz has bounced between a number of minimum wage jobs. It is believed that she has, as of Sept 2011, finally broken into the MAINSTREAM MEDIA (obviously due to her amazing writing skills). as a result, she is probably making just over minimum wage and it is estimated that this will continue for at least three weeks, by which point she will have managed to piss everyone off she works with and will be fired.

She will then be broke again.

Liz buys everything off trademe and then tells the world about her purchases. No one really cares but Liz fails to realise this.

She constantly claims to have no money and has managed to borrow off the bank of Mum and Dad a few times to help her out of situations where she was too fat to resort to prostitution as a reliable source of income. Despite this, she claims that everyone else should learn to manage money better and it is their fault for being poor.

Liz will then take this new pool of money and buy really cool things with it like;

Subway Salads
Cigarettes
Acting Lessons
Singing lessons (at $60 a pop)
Other meaningless crap, like clothing she doesn't need or that is too small for her

Liz currently has debt that have been passed onto collection agencies in two countries. She is so poor that if anyone gets a DMCA notice from her they can happily ignore it as she can't afford to sue anyone.

Felicity

When Liz parked in a no-parking zone for over 2 hours and inexplicably had her ~~boat-anchor~~ car towed as a result, she discovered she was unable to reclaim her impounded shitheap as she was broke as fuck. Calling upon her vast entrepreneurial know-how, she borrowed over 9000 dollars from one of her best friends and has yet to pay it back. This debt has been running for the last ten years at least and she pays it back at a rate of around $1/year.

When she finally got a job earning minimum wage she was proudly telling the world how much money she had, yet still refused to pay her friend back, preferring to instead waste money buying second-hand clothing on auction sites as she has an image to maintain.

Now, if anyone discusses anything to do with money with the hambeast, they should ask when she is going to pay Felicity back. It always sends her into a rage.

Finance Company Debt

In around 2006 or 2007, Liz borrowed $NZ6000 from an Auckland finance company. No one knows exactly what worthless shit Liz chose to spend it on that time, but over the years the interest accrued and accumulated as a result of Liz conveniently forgetting about it. The debt ballooned from a modest $6000 to over $44,000. This posed a bit of a problem for Liz, who was planning on quitting her job and high-tailing it back to Sydney.

	“	No this is the thing, I'm not disputing paying them. I'm disputing paying the amount they want and it's no small amount. I've tried to make arrangements with them for the last 12 months, and they won't budge and I won't budge either on a matter of principles - I've made an offer - double what I originally borrowed (25% of the total they want) and so now it's come to this). I'm just asking about the OfE, is it as simple as a new arrangement is made based on financial position and if I don't pay then I could face jail? I have always had the intention to pay but no reasonable human being would expect the amount they're asking for. It's an absurd amount.	„
	—Liz trying to weasel her way out of paying back debt

In typical Liz fashion she had to make a big deal out of it on the TradeMe forums, where she refused to listen to any and all sensible advice and hid behind the screen name of 'bondi girl'. She did not go unnoticed for long before another TradeMe user outed her as the Hambeast herself. She locked her account down but soon regretted it as she missed the attention, coming back with this illuminating piece of information:

	“	I came back because I am worried about this, really really worried about this and because I have intentions to leave the country next month. I came back to get some facts that I cannot get on the MoJ website and because it's WORRYING ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!	„
	—So worried that she just let the debt spiral out of control for 6 years!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Student Loan

Liz completed a Bachelor of Arts at the University of Auckland and did a pile of other useless subjects and half-completed diplomas. She was a solidly C-student. Just goes to show, like everything else she tries, Liz can not commit to shit.

She posted a riveting update on Facebook recently on how she plans to deal with her whopper of a student loan:

	“	After picking up mail from my old place. I have a Melrose Place DVD I ordered from Mighty Ape and my student loan balance. I've paid the grand total of $611.40 so have another $113,867.37 to go. It'll take me 17.5 years on my current income so overall I think with inflation it'll only take 15 years, which isn't really that long given I work in the media/politics industry. My student loan is a small price to pay for doing what I love:-)	„
	—Liz is an expert manager of her appalling credit rating

When queried about how she ran up such a massive debt - and no, she didn't go to Harvard or Cambridge, she's way too pigshit thick for that - she responded with an excellent and succinct list of the bullshit degrees and diplomas she's pissed her way through. Shame that she used her degrees to do nothing more than to be fat and to be a whore. Sorry, taxpayers.

	“	- Half a diploma in advertising. - Half a graduate diploma in business. - Diploma in Broadcasting at a private institute. - Bachelor of Arts. - Post Graduate Diploma in Communication Studies (still have two papers to go but I'm just going to pay for them myself I think seeing as I earn enough).	„

As of October 2012 Liz Shaw plans to waste more taxpayer money by doing her Masters. Seriously, despite her benny-bashing political blogs she is more of a tax bludger than a single-parent beneficiary. And when is she going to realize that higher education in MAINSTREAM MEDIA is not going to get her a job in the MAINSTREAM MEDIA? She pretty much ruined any chance of that happening by being batshit crazy. In December 2012 she confirmed on Twitter that her topic will be how crime and mental illness is reported in the media. As a result, people working in journalism, law enforcement and medicine took part in a collective facepalm as Liz's solution to mental health issues is to reintroduce institutionalization while removing medication and forcing people to undergo Cognitive Behavioural Therapy, you know, because she is an expert.

	“	Postgrad's easy to get into... I'm going to do my Masters	„
	—Liz Shaw is smart? Nope she's just delusional!

	“	Has a new masters thesis topic should I decide to go ahead and do my masters... How crime & mental illness is reported in the media with reference to Batman Massacre, 2Day FM suicide & Playground Terror. I want to look at media reporting of mental illness with reference to these three cases.I'll basically accuse the media of missing the point in reporting these stories - mental health is the point.	„

Eviction

Liz trying to persuade someone to let her live with them

In May 2012 Liz tried her best to get sympathy from the internets by telling all how she had been kicked out of her flat, much to the joy of her long-suffering flatmates.

	“	remind me not to think everything's awesome. I did a few weeks ago and it's all come crashing down. First I got a massive phone bill and then a guy I'd liked for years only wanted to be friends and is now ignoring me. If that wasn't bad enough, I got evicted from my flat and have three weeks to find a place, I'd been wanting to move for ages but this is a MAJOR HASSLE.	„
	—Liz trying hard but failing, like everything she does in life.

She tried to claim that she had paid on time, but whoops! Bitch forgot the utilities.

	“	Because I supposedly got behind on rent (I didn't - I have proof that I always paid). I did owe for household bills but I was paying the lot with rent on Friday, you know, when I get paid.	„
	—Liz doesn't yet realise that bills are due when they are due, not when she's scraped enough proceeds from prostitution to pay

Liz is currently hunting for a new place to live, if you see her, be sure to say no.

As of August 2012, however, it would seem that Liz has moved into a flat with her friend Felicity. Extremely poor decision-making on Felicity's behalf, when you remember that Liz still owes Felicity over 9000 dollars, has a history of not paying rent on time and getting evicted, and is a big fan of walking around her house with no clothes on. Liz's place of residence is SO PRIVATE that she even allowed Felicity to post the address of the new flat on her Facebook wall.

Sex Life

While the thought of her trying to breed is a chilling thought, apparently waking up next to her is nightmarish as well. As of 17th Dec, 2011, Liz just moved into a new flat (apartment for you Non-Kiwi types) where she promptly slept with one of her new room-mates friends who was around visiting. In true Liz style she broadcast this, along with the fact that she has just ended a 9 month 'drought' to the entire world via Facebook.

	“	It wasn't [one of the new flatties]. I don't screw the crew, I just screw their mates haha:-)	„
	—Liz (Apple Auckland Sydney) Shaw

I smoke, lie, get drunk, prostitute myself, do ecstasy, but I like to think I'm a Christian hurr durr

I hate people who want a one night stand....ohwait, I was a prostitute once!

Liz likes to pretend that she is 18 years old and still in high school - everywhere she goes, every new minimum wage job she gets, she meets some guy and develops a 'crush' on him the first day she meets him. Liz has not yet woken up to the fact that she is not in high school, crushes are so 12 year old. One lucky guy she ranted on and on about on facebook for at least 2 weeks, but was never even given a chance because he didn't talk about the New Zealand General Election enough. Sorry, Liz, we don't all share the same interests as you!

Liz has also been failing to have dates for the past few weeks, posting details on facebook then 'brushing them off' later. General consensus on these activities is that she is trying to make herself seem important and normal when the reality is that she's making herself more retarded. The latest one was with a 35 year old that apparently actually happened. He has not called her back yet, and we can't say we blame the poor guy. She probably sent a 10 year old picture of herself to him and then turned up to the date and found the hambeast instead. The stuff nightmares are made of.

NZ Dating

Liz has signed up to a number of online dating sites, one of which is NZ Dating. Her profile (username: auckerliz) makes for some quite interesting reading, it can be seen in the images on the right.

Liz has a very demanding profile. It should be noted that she requires more effort from potential partners than she would ever be bothered in putting into.. well, pretty much anything. Just look at her list of demands and imagine just what a better person SHE would be if she could just manage to meet one of them.

Have a good job. (No Liz, minimum wage doesn't count as a 'good job')
Be a people person
Independent, easy going, genuine and honest.
No offers of sex (My god, how good would it be if she became celibate !)
No jerks

She then moves on to tell everyone she's not shallow, and then does an exceptionally shallow thing. Tells them that unless they have a picture to send her she won't message them back, because, you know.. looks are everything. Not. Shallow. At. All.

She then finishes up with a list of demands as to how she would like to be contacted. Oh, and whatever happened to being in love with sydders Liz ? You now have NO intention of ever leaving Auckland ?

There is however general confusion as to why Liz is being so hard on prostitution, after all, she was busy prostituting herself out when she was in Sydney. Mind you, shortly after she turned to God, or tried to. Perhaps was just too hard to get off that couch. It's a pity she doesn't write a better representation of herself on her NZ Dating page, maybe something along the lines of her being a condescending, racist shallow tart, that likes to take drugs and whore herself out as much as possible would be more accurate.

Stalking

From time to time Liz reads ED updates and is certain that she has a stalker who is putting up pictures of her on the Internet and trying to tell the world about her private life and share her super secret facebook details.

Obviously everyone knows this is completely untrue, but when it happens it creates volumes of lulz for everyone involved. Usually it happens like this.

Someone takes a photo of her
Upload to ED
Wait for her to notice
NEK MINIT
Liz Frenzy and mass unfriending

Liz also fancies herself as quite the detective. At one point suggesting that if she weren't working in the MAINSTREAM MEDIA she would have become a police officer (lord help us). She backs this reasoning up, usually by putting on her detective hat and trying to figure shit out with logic. However, as always, she fails at this impressively and ends up making everyone laugh at her even harder. This of course sends Liz on yet another one of her stupid rants.

	“	If I wasn't in media I'd have become a cop.	„
	—Liz Shaw (ED discussion page on Liz_Shaw)

We are all waiting for her to CSI the photos on this page and find they were all taken with an iPhone. Should narrow down the potential stalkers by a lot.

Someday Liz may actually understand how police work is done in the real world, yet we're not holding our breath. Hopefully she never decides to go and fail at cop school as well, we taxpayers really don't need to be covering more of her debt.

In the meantime she busily accuses anyone she's come into contact with of being her stalker. The following is a list of people she closely suspects of defaming her on the internet.

Everyone.

She regularly threatens to take this list to the police but sadly never follows through.

Stalkers Revealed

In December 2012 Liz received several emails from her "stalkers" calling her out for being a bit shit. In true Hambeast style, Liz resorted to an ALL CAPS tirade proposing psychiatric help, "name and shame" and mass un-friending for all PAYCHO stalkers. However, her public denouncement of her stalkers took the form of labelling them "Psycho A... B... C etc, which leads us to believe she has no fucking clue who they are.

“

I am still receiving unwanted and threatening emails. Whoever is doing this, I know you can read this. LEAVE. ME. ALONE!!!!!!!!!!!! AND SEEK PSYCHIATRIC HELP IMMEDIATELY. DO NOT CONTACT ME. EVER. AGAIN. PSYCHO. ASSHOLE. AND GET YOUR OWN LIFE AND STAY OUT OF MINE. I WANT NOTHING TO DO WITH YOU. NEVER CONTACT ME AGAIN. As of this morning I have now blocked them from email me. I want them to seek psychiatric help, they are PSYCHO!!!!

Has figured out who the emailer is & I know them personally & they do need psychiatric help but so does the one giving them lie... I think it was my old group of friends backstabbing between themselves. Would publicly name and shame those harassing me but being them is punishment enough and I just pity them. They made a big mistake in the email & blew their cover. As I knew they eventually would...

Psycho A: obese, good personality but obese and a backstabber.

Psycho B: Has no friends, an only child and hails from Canada.

Psycho C: too many personal issues to put here but severe trust issues, in her 30s, not married.

Psycho D: bad family relationship, depression, backstabber, terrible personality, fraud.

Psycho E: very few friends, depression, doesn't trust, Lives through other people, 30s, single.

Well thus has been fun but the covers blown. Karma will be a real bitch to you all.

„

—You think you've blocked me? Think again bitch!

Birthday Stalking

Last Thursday was the Hambeasts birthday and someone managed to get pictures of her being fat at a local bar. This of course caused much chaos and confusion and the typical overreaction one can expect from the Hambeast. Once Liz found out that people were paying attention to her she flew into a frenzy and started to Mass unfriend everyone she thought could possibly be responsible for these evil pictures.

	“	Well the person knew I had a wine and they photographed from outside. I'm thinking it was James. Or James' quiet friend but that photo was clearly taken on a digital camera. THEY HAVE GONE TOO FUCKING FAR!	„
	—Liz Apple Auckland Sydney

Her mates jumped in with some helpful advice, suggesting she get someone to forensically analyse the images CSI styles and to lie to the bar owner in order to obtain 'evidence' that could be used to bring this evil character to justice.

Someone also needs to point out to Liz (OH SNAP ! I guess I just have) that Stalking is not a criminal offence. But please. Go to the police. I'm sure they will get a good laugh reading this page as well and hopefully decide the best place for you is the local mental asylum.

Social Circle

As amazing as it may seem, Liz does seem to have people who hang around all the time listening to her drivel in real life. It's kind of bizarre, because pretty much 99.9% of the population of New Zealand think she is an utter moron and a thoroughly unpleasant individual. One girl who goes by the name of Alicia seems to be especially dimwitted and loves to bandy about her basket-weaving degree in order to pretend that she is not, in fact, a slut. Her odiously long message to Liz on how to deal with birthday stalking runs as follows:

Liz with her wingman face on. If Liz ever offers to wingman for you on a night out, be sure to say no as these expressions will not get you laid.

	“	Re: "Stalking Behaviour" - I think you're beautiful, Liz...and definitely becoming successful now. But yeah, about the legality of the situation...Don't state it's "defamation" as unfortunately you've already defamed yourself somewhat and they have every right to repost anything made available to the public....HOWEVER, those images taken of you around town, at work, even at your birthday, are...distressing to say the least...people do have a right to take photographs of you in a public setting, but if you can get a camera expert to determine that the majority of the pictures came from the same camera....then you can statistically narrow it down to possibly one perpetrator and prosecute them criminally for STALKING...there's no protection for that one person, even though they're hiding behind the website, an individual in this country can be taken down...and also, what they say: "free speech does not equal slander", is true...however again, it IS slander if any comments are NOT true, although stay away from the word defamation, you have no real ability to be defamed more, so sorry about that...but yes, you can fight for your right to personal freedom regarding photographs taken with the explicit purpose to scare, humiliate or slander you...I'd also get in touch with "Anytime Fitness", as their comments towards them as a company are damaging...could assist you with legal fees, since according to them, you have no money...oh, and also...if you'd prefer, you can also prosecute the seemingly singular photographer for harassment (turning up to your work...just inform your employer, get a record of your distress, get access to security guards or friends on your walk to the bus), stalking with intent to humiliate, frighten or intimidate you (your birthday party), and of course as I've said before, anything that they cannot prove is considered slander, they must remove this material regardless of "free speech"...hope that helps.	„
	—Alicia Ollie talks about as much BS as Liz.

Attempts have been made to ascertain whether she is just trolling, or if she actually is in Camp Hambeast. Seems that she is a devout admirer of her though. Pity.

Since then, however, Liz has moved on from hanging out with CSI Ollie, who the Internet never seems to hear from these days. She unfriended her former friend Felicity in a fit of rage (no word yet on whether Felicity got her money back) and has moved on to Cheryl, who also seems to be Liz's chief drinking buddy.

	“	Playing wingman tonight for Cheryl my BFF!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!	„
	—Friends forever, until Liz unfriends her in 3...2...

Liz on Current Events

Being the opinionated biddy that she is, Liz has provided hours of entertainment discussing current events in the social media sphere. The following attempts to document some of these occurrences for the loyal ED readership.

Auckland 2032 Olympics

Liz believes that she is an expert on dieting and staying healthy, and she believes that this can even be extended to the Olympic Games. She feels so strongly about obesity that she has decided that Auckland should make a bid for the Summer Olympics of 2032 and set up a Facebook page for it.

While this would be great fun for the average Aucklander, who would be forced to endure 3 weeks of traffic torture, decades of government debt, and higher taxes and prices for everything, Liz does not view this as a relevant factor. Obesity is the biggest problem in the country and this can easily be solved by hosting the Olympic Games, setting up a village for the competitors in Albany, and making sure that the tiny minority of the New Zealand population who participate in the Olympics are in shape and are not sponsored by McDonalds.

When everyone pointed out how retarded this was, that New Zealand is far too small to ever host the Olympic Games, and that the Olympics is more about international cooperation and friendly competition, rather than battling obesity, Liz responded by banning these users.

John Key

After the raging success of her facebook political career, Liz decided to rejoin the political world by creating a hate group against the current Prime Minister of New Zealand which she ironically named after the internet hategroup that actively trolled her political trainwreck/career (that she had smited by the gods of facebook). Thus the page "I Have Been Personally Victimised by John Key" was born. It was on this page that a total of three status updates were posted, before the deletion of the page due to her stance of "no censorship" which lasted a record time of almost three hours and resulted in her NZX shoot being posted on the page.

Crafar Farm Protest

Alicia: "Asians are the enemy and I'd turn lesbian for Liz Shaw."

In January 2012 a privately owned farm was sold to a Chinese company. Liz, being the Xenophobic Chinese-hating pillar of stupidity that she is, immediately confused this with the current government's plan to sell assets and formed an event on facebook.

It an amazing show of predictability, Liz went wild distributing flyers and encouraging people to turn up to the protest. Claiming all kinds of conspiracy theories behind this private sale on the part of the evil, corrupt totalitarian Chinese government, including plans to use the sale as a way to conquer New Zealand by buying the land and moving in Chinese workers to slowly edge out real New Zealanders.

Edged on by her good friend and confidant, Alicia Ollie, Liz whipped up a storm on the facebook events page busily refusing to answer questions and ignoring anything that required an IQ over 5 to answer.

	“	Never met a friendly Chinese person in my life...unless I'm buying something from them...they're arrogant, narrow minded people that don't belong in such a free society...	„
	—Alicia Ollie offering support to Liz

As the protest day slowly approached, the attention Liz spent to answering peoples questions tapered off to about zero. Finally, after many unanswered questions, she admitted that she no longer intended to turn up to the protest she had tried to organise. In a move reminiscent of her attempt to become a politician, Liz claimed that her health was more important than the protest. Even though she had previously admitted that she had organised time off work, she was seen slinking into her job while telling everyone she had 'health issues'

	“	I'm suffering from a health issue and it's more important than a dumb protest	„
	—Liz explaining why she didn't turn up to her own protest

After the event had passed, it was discovered this health issue was someone telling her she was fat. Shame, a walk down Queen Street on a Saturday afternoon would have done her some good.

Rape

Liz about to investigate new contraception method

In August 2012 Todd Akin, an upstanding example of the US republican party made a statement that raping chicks wouldn't get them pregnant. Somehow, this managed to get Liz Shaws attention and before you could say "wtf gooby" she had pasted all over twitter that she was going to use her newly found powers of investigative CSI journalism to get to the bottom of this biological protection all women have.

Of course, this rape issue is not new to Liz who has made comments back in 2005 on various forums

Pregnant ? well, it must have been fun and therefore not rape

“

ARE YOU ALL SO STUPID THAT YOU CAN'T UNDERSTAND WHAT I AM SAYING?

let me say it again, rape is only rape if the person doesn't enjoy it at any point. If you enjoy it then it isn't rape, regardless of whether or not you said yes or no.

As for drug rape, if you don't say no it isn't rape because you were consenting. If you were unconscious when it happened then how the fuck would you even know if you were raped or not.

„

—Liz Shaw on rape

Within minutes her amazing investigative skills turned up some articles supporting her new view on this magical protection. Now armed with this knowledge, Liz can sleep happily at night knowing that if someone was ever drunk enough to rape her, there is no way she could get pregnant. However, should that method backfire Liz has an alternate solution to dealing with a potential rapist.

	“	When I was a kid we had self defence but nobody would dare attack me. I'm not timid. I'd put up a major fight. Actually just a glare would be enough for someone to back off.	„
	—Don't look into her eyes...

Liz also thinks that providing known sexual offenders and deviants with prostitutes (at the expense of the taxpayer and everyone else except for her, of course), will decrease the country's rape statistics and sexual crimes.

Kim Dotcom and the Government Communications Security Bureau

When it was announced that the New Zealand Government had launched an inquiry into the spy agency GCSB's activities over the Kim Dotcom case the world sat up and took notice. However, Liz made it very clear to her loyal readers that she did not want to discuss the issue. Instead she focused her attention more important issues such as reality TV show 'The Ridges', the state of Auckland's public transport, and a comparative analysis of the Subway's of Auckland central. However, loyal readers pressed Liz to impart her infinite knowledge on the issue, and were provided with this response:

	“	I am so incredibly OVER hearing about the GCSB (Government Can Suck Balls)... It is NOT important, and it is bloody naive to think that the GCSB doesn't spy on NZ citizens. They wouldn't be doing their job if they only spied within their limitations. This information should not have even been released to the public as national security is at risk, and why is the mole not being held accountable. I cannot believe the absolute level of ignorance from radio announcers and it is seriously frustrating me which is why it's taken me so long to rant about it, but I cannot take it any longer.	„

She then went on to criticise Prime Minister John Key, purporting that if she were supreme ruler of the universe, she would provide superior governance to her loyal minions:

	“	Under GCSB jurisdiction they are not allowed to spy on permanent residents or New Zealand citizens. I have a couple of issues with what has been reported in the media. The major one is that we are naive if we don't think that the Government spies on citizens and if they only act within their guidelines so I actually have no issue with them spying on Kim Dot Com and I don't think they would be doing their job if they didn't. My other issue is that there has been too much focus on Prime Minister John Key. Does it really matter when he first heard about Kim Dot Com? His job is to run the country and that means occasionally witholding information from the media and the public. He wouldn't be doing his job if he told us everything, and there are some things we simply shouldn't know.	„

Basically Liz sees no issue with the government spying on its people. Following the same train of thought, Liz should have no issue with ED spying on her!

Euthanasia Debate

Liz is totally against euthanasia as legalizing it will result in an increased number of cat suicides!

	“	Euthanasia is legalised murder. A few years ago I had a cat who was three years old, her name was Chrissy, and she was the daughter of another of my cats, Inca. Due to physical trauma when she was a kitten, she must have developed a head injury and been left with a psychological condition. It was so bad at one point we made the decision to have her euthanased, and took her home and buried her I believe. Looking back, we could have taken her to the vet and asked for a course of medication. We could have looked after her to the point where she got better, but we didn't even try? Now imagine this for a second. That's guilt from having a CAT euthanased, imagine how much worse that would be for a human? You would be kicking yourself thinking it was murder, and quite honestly, when you make the decision to end someone's life, no matter what the circumstances, it is murder.	„

Auckland Super Brothel

In November 2012 a press release announced that a 15-storey super brothel was planned for Auckland's central city: a first-floor mezzanine will host a brothel and a strip club will occupy the first and second floors. Liz, as usual, had an opinion on this issue and stated that are "morals are subjective".

	“	I have no issue with the brothel... Quite honestly the CBD needs the brothel development but the building needs apts, boutiques, convenience stores & capabilities to be the entry for the rail loop if built. The CBD needs the business development. It needs it. The detractors clearly want Auckland to remain a backwater… Town without entertainment. How about you pansies get outta this town. The brothel will only be one level and the building itself will bring opportunities. As long as there are apartments boutiques, news agencies, convenience stores & maybe a mini supermarket, I think it will drive Auckland's economy. Someone last night on TV3 said that it would make Vic St like Kings Cross. I've lived in Kings Cross & it's not as bad as people say so as long as the brothel is only on one floor (not the entry one) I have no issue... It's necessary development. I'm in favour.	„
	—Liz finds new employment... fits right in

Reading between the lines however, her view suggests that Liz sees this development as potential future employment and the possibility that she will finally fulfil her dream of being in a porn film:

	“	The brothels are part of what make Kings Cross the great place it is and my god I miss it & wanna move back.	„
	—Liz misses le sex!

Treaty of Waitangi

Liz is totally against the Treaty of Waitangi. In a racist and ignorant rant on Twitter, Liz revealed that she has very little understanding of the international obligations a treaty brings, suggesting that because it was signed 150 years ago by people who are now dead, it is "outdated, divisive and racist". By that reasoning perhaps we should take away Liz's habeas corpus rights that came with the signing of the Magna Carta.

	“	If you had a contract with someone and they consistently ignored it for decades then denied any knowledge of it, you'd have "grievances" too	„
	—PJ

	“	But they don't, nobody who is alive now signed the Treaty in 1840.	„
	—Liz Shaw

	“	That is the weakest 'argument' against honouring the Treaty that I've heard yet.	„
	—PJ

	“	Fair enough but we need to move on from the irrelevant treaty. It's divisive and has no place.	„
	—Liz Shaw

	“	The thing with international treaties, the dominant party can't just unilaterally decide to cancel it.	„
	—PJ

	“	Yes but Maori are never going to support the abolition of it.	„
	—Liz Shaw

	“	and they shouldn't fucking HAVE to.	„
	—PJ

	“	Why?	„
	—Liz Shaw

	“	Because it's a legitimate treaty recognised under international law, is why.	„
	—PJ

	“	Just because it's legitimate doesn't make it right, remember when it was illegal to be homosexual? Didn't make it right.	„
	—Liz Shaw

	“	Statutes and international treaties are not the same thing, and your argument is invalid. Just as a single MP can't repeal a law at whim, a single party to a treaty can't cancel it without mutual assent. Were the Treaty not signed in 1840, Maori could, likely would, have asked other Euro powers to help repel British invasion.	„
	—PJ

	“	Answer me this, if I make an agreement with you is that between me and your mother? Or me and your friend? No, it's beween me and you, nobody else. Same theory.	„
	—Liz Shaw

	“	If British powers didn't want to be bound to the articles of the treaty it drafted, they didn't have to sign, but they did.	„
	—PJ

	“	It's over 150 years later, it's time to let it go.	„
	—Liz Shaw

	“	You can't enter into a contract then pull out bc it no longer suits you - though your Trade Me feedback shows you've tried. because my position is based on historical reality, international law and natural justice. Yours is based on ignorance. "the crown" is not a natural person, therefore your analogy is invalid.	„
	—PJ

	“	That what you call having an opinion? If there's one thing I hate it's being incorrectly called ignorant. Have fun in the block list.	„
	—Liz Shaw

	“	Magna Carta has been in effect since 1297. The ceding of Hong Kong happened because of a 99 year treaty. being an old treaty hardly seems an argument against its value or applicability.	„
	—GP

	“	It's divisive, irrelevant, not reflective of NZ and has no place in modern society.	„
	—Liz Shaw

	“	There would be a NZ to be "divided" if the treaty hadn't been signed. Worth remembering.	„
	—GP

	“	Debateable	„
	—Liz Shaw

Previous Quote | Next Quote

Liz's Outrageous Tweets on Social and Political Issues

Liz hates all people who mooch off the Government, including beneficiaries, students, and asylum seekers. For some reason because Liz holds a minimum wage job and is "paying back" her exorbitant Student Loan she somehow seeing herself as superior to all others of society and therefore able to judge accordingly:

Below are some examples of her views;

	“	Just heard someone on their phone say they love NZ. Clearly that haven't spent long enough here.	„

	“	If you're advertising a product then pregnant women shouldn't be on tv, pregnancy doesn't look good on tv.	„
	—Because pregnant people are fat!

	“	I'd happily pay the $5000 rather than pushing a baby out. The thought grosses me out.	„
	—The scary thought that Liz could spawn more Lizzards

	“	And it's always construction idiots who take ages in Subway. No wonder you only work in construction. Some people are truly stupid...I HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAATE QUEUES AND YOY CONSTRUCTION GUYS ARE IDIOTS!	„
	—Construction workers are lazy slobs

	“	Had a mosquito bite on my hip that was so painful I had to get the scab off. So gross but some of the swelling & pain has gone.	„
	—Yummy!

	“	HATE THE ROYAL FAMILY NOW... I mean I've always been a republican but even more so now. I want nothing to do with the royals. They caused the death of this nurse and two radio announcers to now be depressed.	„
	— Will and Kate cause death, according to Liz

	“	Okay I don't mind my friends kids but others kids shouldn't be allowed out in public.	„

	“	Here's an angry tweet. I would like to take all my exes, lock them in a room and subject them to emotional torture. They all deserve it.	„

	“	Is it really so hard for Asian and Indian men to use deodorant and body spray. I'm not being racist, just speaking about a demographic that doesn't seem to use body spray or deodorant and always seem to stink out buses I travel on.	„

	“	Junk food are worse than smoking	„
	—Because smoking doesn't cause cancer?

	“	Asylum seekers - if you're self harming & depressed/manipulative etc then you're not welcome. You'll just be a drain on the Aussie taxpayer so cry me a freaking river and go back home rather than trying to manipulate the Aussie govt.	„
	—Potential Australians must not have mental health issues. I guess that counts you out Liz.

	“	2013 election in Australia cannot come soon enough. The ALP is full of idiots.	„

	“	Babies should NOT be allowed on buses. Just coz you choose to have a screaming brat (sic) doesn't mean you have the right to torture bus users... Seriously, DO NOT TAKE YOUR SCREAMING BABY ON A BUS!!!!!! It is just plain rude and inconsiderate.	„
	—Only Liz may use the bus

	“	I don't want equality.	„
	—Liz's view on the entire world.

	“	That Countdown ad is lame. I pity anyone who aspires to be Countdown store manager.	„
	—Because having a job is bad.

	“	This whole 'share a coke' thing pisses me off. All you're doing is helping them get fat. Friends don't do that to friends.	„

	“	When dealing with military organisations I see them as a law unto themselves. No investigation necessary & id be worried if we knew how the spying happened. We have no business knowing what the GCSB, SIS or SAS are doing. JK is right on this issue.	„

	“	The media are asking too many questions about the security services. It's not appropriate. They're secret services for a reason!!!!! And clearly someone within the security services is leaking information and that person should go to prison for endangerment.	„

	“	Bad attitudes cause poverty. Bad attitudes cause abuse, lack of money doesn't cause poverty. Poverty is caused by bad attitudes.	„

	“	100% behind National on asset sales too. Does it really matter who owns it? You want it? Start saving.	„

Previous Quote | Next Quote

Career

New job

Incredibly, and after many years of displaying her budgeting skills for all of the world to see, Liz has managed to score a job as an editorial assistant at a Sydney-based financial magazine called The Adviser, which came to the attention of the Internet in July 2015. Presumably this won't last long, as her co-workers will get thoroughly pissed off with her which will result in her being fired and broke and out on the street again. There is a screenshot of her profile on her employers' website taken for posterity for people to read after she gets fired over at Imgur No one knows why the folks at the Adviser didn't google her before taking her on.

Jobs

While it's difficult to fathom that the Hambeast could actually do anything productive, Liz has actually had a number of jobs. Normally these end badly but in late 2011 she managed to land a job with an Australian company that out sources to a third world country called New Zealand. The job involved listening to Australian news stories and then writing up summaries. Of course, as you can imagine, these summaries will be completely unreliable.

With her string of call centre jobs far behind her, Liz continually tells everyone how she is now in her dream media job and has updated a number of profiles to make it appear that she is more important than she really is. She has continually boasted about how much money she has as she buys up every bit of "vintage" Karen Walker clothing she can find on trademe and heaps her normal level of scorn on those undeserving poor people that don't pay taxes like she does, all while being completely oblivious of all the handouts she has taken from the Government and her parents to keep herself afloat over pretty much all her life.

Of course, as with anything Liz related, this land of fairies and rainbows couldn't last forever, and it seems she has just realised she might need to go back to helpdesk work in order to make ends meet. In late 2012 she posted on facebook asking to be taken back to her original job in order to make ends meet.

	“	The survey also asked about my employment and my direction in life. I'm pretty sure my answers of awesomeness will put me in the minority.	„
	—The only time Liz wants to be in the minority!

Redundancy, Sydney, and Retraction of Job Offer

In November 2013 Liz learned that the company she currently works for in "shit-hole" Auckland city was making its staff redundant, and therefore, at some point in the future, Liz will once again be unemployed and broke. As such she decided the best course of action would be to pack up and high-tail it back to Sydders. With a $60,000 job offer and potential romance with an old flame, things were really looking up for dear Liz, who after a year of heartbreak and scandal (aka the Daniel Bedingfield incident), really deserved some good luck. And just as New Zealander's rejoiced Liz's departure it all went to shit.

Liz took to Twitter to announce the RETRACTION of her Sydney job offer, not because of merit, but because of her personal history online. Turns out a simple Google search can ruin people's lives. Liz, of course, shouted "slander", "defamation" and "libel" despite digging herself into the hole she is currently in.... she then blogged the experience:

“

In NZ we have a 90 day law. In Australia, it's a 6 month law. Basically what this means is that if you are unfairly dismissed in the first 6 months of employment you have absolutely no recourse and you cannot go to the Fair Work Commission or the Fair Work Ombudsman to make a complaint. Potentially you could be left high and dry. Most companies have some decency though and will give you a week or two week's wages as compensation.

I'll start with Fair Work Australia. As I said, you cannot go to the Fair Work Commission within the first 6 months of employment, but what if the termination of employment IS actually unjustified? What if you actually were the best person for the job? What if all your references did check out? What if the employer was excited to have you on board and then they terminate your contract? Surely there should be some type of recourse for that? Surely that shouldn't be something that can be dismissed. Surely there should be provisions that extend beyond the usual discriminatory processes. Surely there should be a mediation system like there is in New Zealand if you are unfairly dismissed.

I also don't think there should be a fee to lodge an application if you're eligible. Anyone who has had their employment terminated is already going to be highly strung and upset at the situation. The last thing they need is to have to find the application fee (or it could be payable if you're successful).

It's rather unfair to not be able to take action if it has nothing to do with your references or ability and track record. Isn't that what people are employed for? To do a job. Surely if they've proven themselves that should be enough. And surely first impressions count for something. Surely a positive first impression means more than what may or may not be true about someone.

This is another thing, more and more people are losing jobs or not getting jobs because of what's out there on social media, but can social media really be treated as golden? People have different aspects to their lives. People may conduct themselves entirely differently outside of work to how they do at work, but as long as their activity isn't illegal then is that really the employer's business? Surely their only concern should be how well you will fit into the team and how well you will do the job, not what you do outside of work (as long as it's not illegal or harming anyone).

I guess in conclusion what I'm trying to draw attention to with today's blog post is that maybe the Fair Work Act does need revision and maybe unions in Australia need more power to act on the behalf of the employee.

Financial compensation often isn't enough though if you are unfairly dismissed. You can always make more money but what if you can't put a price on the experience? What if you cannot put a price on the job itself? What if you needed the job.to progress your career? And what if you'd worked really hard and would have done the same at the new company? Surely you should have some type of recourse. Surely that type of activity cannot go on.

Employment law needs reviewing. I support trial periods, but sometimes if the employer has doubts, maybe they should be shortened, maybe 6 months is too long, maybe if you have doubts about someone it should be a month or two and then you can re-assess. Everyone deserves a chance to prove themselves, especially if they have done so elsewhere.

„

—You don't think that its a little bit your fault that you lost the job offer?

Media Aspirations

Liz is so passionate about working in the "mainstream media" that she offered to cut off both her arms. Due to a bullshit 'copyright claim' by Liz, however, the video featuring this bizarre promise to literally disarm herself was taken down by the gods of Youtube.

No media organisation wants to accept Liz because she has no acting ability and a poor track record, and it's just NOT FAIR!

Skip to 4:00 to watch Liz bitching to Katy Thomas of Close Up about how life isn't fair

Liz also dreams of hosting with Paul Henry. He would probably laugh the hambeast out of the studio

	“	Someone suggested I should host with Paul Henry, that would pretty much be my dream gig. I'm serious.	„

Singing

Being the craptastic Singer that she is, she decided to do what any rational person would do when presented with an insurmountable cliff between them and their chosen career path. She went out and spent money she didn't have on climbing equipment and singing lessons. Liz is so amazing, when she sings she cums like this: http://img7.imageshack.us/img7/4905/lizshawo.png

	“	The bottom line is, once you can sing you can sing anything.	„
	—15/11/12

Here at ED we would like to see you attempt to sing Hölle Rache kocht in meinem Herzen

On the 25th of January Liz reminded everyone that she can definitely sing, but singing her vlog:

	“	I sung my vlog tonight following my practice, and you will see, I DEFINITELY have a talent for singing:-). I challenge people to listen to my vlog and then tell me I can't sing because I think I prove my ability in that video. It may sound arrogant or whatever, I KNOW I can sing now! I challenge people to still call me names Hahahaha I can DEFINITELY sing.	„

NZ Idol

In 2005 Liz Shaw auditioned for a place in season two of NZ Idol. Not only did try to take over host Dominic Bowden's presenting job, only to spectacularly fail, but she also performed a shocking rendition of Malibu by Hole/Courtney Love. The audition was featured on a G027 Telecom advertisement as being a bad example of what you could watch on your mobile. Judge Paul Ellis commented that Liz she was a "talent-free zone".

	“	You are a talent free zone	„
	—Paul Ellis, judging Liz Shaw on NZ Idol

Crash and Burn was a suitably fit title.

Following the airing of her disastrous performance, Liz took to Idol Blog to tell the world that she had been offered a recording contract with Record Label in the USA. Fortunately for the world, this turned out to be an inspired prank!

“

Yesturday I received a call from a record label in the USA about a recording contract.

I received another call from them tonight after I left the More FM studio.

They want to record at least one album with me. They want to make me the William Hung of NZ.

They are talking of either flying out to NZ to see me, and organise everything, or flying me over there in the next couple of weeks.

I found out one hour ago and I can't comprehend.

„

—Oh God NO!

Right after the NZ Idol fiasco and being told on public television that she was a "talent free zone", and having been turned down numerous times by other presenters and auditions, she decided to head off and get singing lessons (as of October 2012, three times per week).

Un-surprisingly this has turned out to be a complete waste of money that she doesn't have. But these are just minor setbacks for Liz, after all, the bank of Mum and Dad is almost limitless in what they are willing to loan!

Liz has attempted a number of other songs since her amazing Idol performance. These used to be found on JewTube but appears to have been removed. Never fear however, they can also be found here.

My Heart Will Go On

(someone needs to find the others. Go to it minions !)

The X Factor New Zealand

In October 2012 Liz got word that New Zealand On Air are spending $1.6million dollars on X Factor New Zealand. Being the amazing talent that she is, and hearing that Dominic Bowden would be presenting, Liz has decided that she will recreate her New Zealand Idol experience by entering this prestigious competition. Liz has even hinted that she might wear the same outfit for old times sakes.

Liz has also stayed on top of praise by adoring public, addressing all comments in her riveting blog (the content of which would give Stephenie Meyer, E.L James and anything published by Harlequin a run for their money). In a heartfelt entry on the 13th of November 2012 Liz revealed the real reasons she is auditioning for X Factor:

	“	When I was a kid I was bullied by this boy called Gregory... and I never stood up to him. I was too chicken. One day I was walking through the teachers college after school and he peed on my shoe. I didn't do anything... What's this got to do with X Factor? Well, there have been some disgusting comments posted on my You Tube channel and this hate page dedicated to my life. Well here's the thing people. It's exactly that, my life. I never said I was a good singer. I have never once actually said that. What I have however said is that I'm having lessons and I've posted videos of my practices on You Tube but that's mainly because I don't like to clog up my computer with files. But to call me tone deaf, hmmmm, tone deaf is when you literally cannot differentiate the different notes, which I can do. I just can't yet sing in tune all the time..	„
	—Liz gets peed on, retaliates by "singing"

However, Liz once again contradicted herself, taking to Twitter to gloat of her musical brilliance.

	“	Some people doing karaoke are tone deaf & should not sing. Sure they could improve like I have but I'm not your average person... Being honest though, I can realistically hope to get to the 2nd tv round before elimination.	„
	—Liz Shaw not your "average" singer

Sadly, Liz fails to realise that "bullying" and warranted criticism are two different things. According to the extremely reliable source Wikipedia, bullying is the "force or coercion to abuse or intimidate others". Criticism on the other hand is "practice of judging the merits and faults of something or someone in an intelligible or articulate way" and "may be unpleasant". Therefore saying "Liz is a dipshit hambeast who smells like the north end of a donkey facing south" could be considered bullying. However making the assertion "Liz Shaw couldn't hold a tune if her life depended on it" is criticism and is, based on ALL youtube accounts to date, true. Got it Liz?

Repertoire

Having thought long and hard about her repertoire, and her vocal limitations (she only has a range of 1.5 octaves), Liz now has several potential audition songs. The full playlist can be accessed at Youtube; it is being updated on a near daily basis: [1]. Songs include:

Don't Speak - No Doubt
Hero - Mariah Carey
My Heart Will Go On - Celine Dion
My Immortal - Evanescence
Time After Time - Cyndi Lauper
You're So Vain - Carly Simon
Don't Speak - No Doubt
You and I - Lady Gaga
Hit Me Baby One More Time - Britney Spears
I'm a Bitch - Alanis Morissette
Secret Song Number 9 - Don't Cry For Me Argentina (given away by her blog!)

Liz has also provided some pretty hilarious commentary on her song choices, even going so far as to say that "I KNOW (You're So Vain) is about me":

	“	My heart will go on, time after time, there are do many great songs. Having a repertoire of songs wouldn't hurt though. I can see myself doing hero. It resonates emotionally - dreams are hard to follow...and you cast your fears aside. My immortal... I love the song but it's a bit too depressing, though I do love it. It's going on the list & printing tonight... I was shit back then, literally couldn't sing a note in tune. Now I can do 1.5 octaves... I'm doing You're so Vain! I'm good at that song. Not rock star good but if I practice daily I will be:-) I won't win but may get to round two unless its in the 2nd half of the year, then I may get further:-)	„
	—Hate to break it to you Liz but singing lessons don't cure tone deafness. Your singing teacher is robbing you blind and laughing about it behind your back.

Liz is so amazing that a music companies have overlaided Celine Dion's music video for 'My Heart Will Go On' with Liz's own vocalizations:

Liz Shaw Music Video

Daily Practices

After every daily practice Liz feels that she has made a HUGE improvement and posts the best of these practices on Youtube. While audiences try to fathom how Liz can make completely different songs sound the same, Liz bans all those who offered criticism on her attempts at vocal brilliance. Unfortunately for loyal ED readers, when Liz realized that the world was mocking her singing ability, she removed all videos from Youtube, locked down her Twitter, Facebook and Blog accounts and sat in a corner and cried. However Liz can't live without the attention of others, and soon posted more videos of her vocal brilliance.

	“	You're blocked coz if YOU can't hear improvement YOU'RE DEAF!!!!!!!!	„
	—Seriously can't you hear the difference? It's been 2 hours!

	“	Speaking of Twitter and Facebook, I've had a few negative comments so I've deleted both accounts until after the X Factor audition. While I am learning, the last thing I need is to waste my time defending myself when I should be practicing my singing, especially given I'm only 20% of the way there. I think it was 20% I said yesterday, might have been 30%. I'm not sure. Either way, I still have a long way to go and I need to focus on singing improvement, not dealing with cyber bullies.	„
	—It's gonna be fun saying 'I told you so'

What makes the whole situation hilarious is that even Liz's well-meaning friends irl have tried to talk her out of singing on X Factor. However Liz refuses to listen, banning all and instead choosing to rely on her singing teacher's 50 years of "experience". Inside sources say that her singing teacher Maurice is well-known for his exploitation of wannabe singers with no talent... how sad for Liz.

	“	Flatmates are out tonight so I'm practicing my singing while I can.	„
	— Because nobody wants to hear the sounds of a strangled cat

As well as thinking she can hold a tune, Liz also believes listening to a song hundreds of times will improve her ability to sing. Stalkers found Liz lurking on Youtube where she had this to say in response to a lovely rendition of Hero by Maria Cruz

	“	I'm really surprised. You can clearly sing, did you get given any indication of why you didn't [get through to another round in X Factor]. I'm going to add you to Twitter because I'm a singer too and I would love some tips (I'm a 3/10 at the moment). I'd say you're about an 8/10.	„
	—Liz ignores opinions of actual musicians.Rates herself 3/10

Liz has also been overheard singing at bus stops, according to Liz's stalker on Facebook, causing several hospitalisations. To the dismay of those members of the Auckland public who catch buses, she also plans on serenading them with her dulcet tones during their daily commute. She also plans to start busking before X Factor auditions, where stalkers predict that people will actually pay her to stop.

The X-Factor Blog

As if uploading videos to broadcast her incredible singing talent wasn't enough, Liz decided to completely overhaul her blog. She got rid of the old one in which she talked about boring current events, because she was simply overwhelmed by the rapturous way in which it was received by her fanbase. In its place appeared an equally boring blow-by-blow account of Liz in her preparation for wowing the country on the X-Factor stage.

In some ways it doesn't really differ too much from her previous blog, because she talks ad nauseum about how people who have tried to tell her not to sing are being cyber-bullies, talks about how her weight loss gives her confidence to sing, and what she does at the gym:

	“	I was in the shower at the gym when suddenly I decided to sing My Heart Will Go On, for no other reason than to see what I sounded like and I was interested in developing it.	„
	—Liz turning her gym into an unprofitable business for its owners

She also called upon her vast PR know-how and locked it down so that no one could tell her how bad she sounds when trying to sing through her nose. Whoops, didn't see that move coming.

The X-Factor Judges

Liz seems to think that her success in the competition relies on the quality of the judging panel:

	“	So I hear Aussie Idol winner Stan Walker is a judge. That's good to know, he's not scary at all, nor is he talented. Bit of a let down really. Will make the audition process a bit easier knowing its a nobody like him.	„
	—Liz hates on Stan Walker

However, Liz is once again proving that she has not learned anything from her NZ Idol experience: Insulting the judging panel will not do her any favours in her attempts of world vocal domination...

Liz Shaw the Singer, Song Writer

These masterpieces would even make a deaf person leap off the skytower, but Liz is convinced she is the next Jewel. One thing Liz, if you write lyrics, then what about the fuckin music as well you spastic bitch? Well you are a "talent free zone" so no surprises there. Here are a few examples example of her musical genius which she intends to release on iTunes should X Factor not make her a star:

Walking Away

Say what you want

Time Machine

Previous Video | Next Video

And some awesome lyrics:

“

I'm going to sing like nobody else

They will love me

At the very least

I'm going to sing and I will do it well

I'm going to sing I will do it well

My audition will be very good

I'm going to sing and I will do it well

„

—A Liz Shaw original 8/11/12

“

It's been a long time since I've appeared in public

been a long time but I'm back on the stage

this time I'm gonna give it my all

I'm not leaving without working really hard

You say I cant sing when you watch my videos

That I haven't got a home (sic) in hell

Well this time I'm gonna give it my all

I'm not leaving without working really hard

„

—A revision of Lady Gaga's You and I 8/01/13

“

I know I've got charisma

I know I've got the right personality

I know I've got staying power

I know I'd sell records

I know I'd sell tabloids

I know I've got determination

I know I've got focus

I know I have the X Factor.

Do I have the talent though?

Have I done enough?

Will the judges like me?

Will the producers put me through?

Will my song choice be right?

Is it enough?

I know I mostly sing in tune now

I know my pitch issue is about 80% gone

I know I'm a star in the making

Again though, do I have the talent?

Will I be the one?

Is all this effort enough?

„

—Some truly inspired songwriting straight from the heart 08/01/13

Previous Quote | Next Quote

Funnily enough there seems to be common theme through Liz's work: basically anything that she ordinarily writes in ALL CAPS or anything that makes her sound awesome has been written into a monotonic shout-fest for intelligent criticism *coughLULZcough*

Liz Shaw and The Edge Radio Station

Say what you want

	“	Liz on The Edge	„

Response to her Adoring Fans

Liz's typical response to adoration and praise is to lock down her Twitter, Facebook and other social media accounts, in order to prevent "bullying" and lots of mean words. However, in November 2012 Liz personally responded to the adoration of her loyal fans on ED:

	“	I love those who criticise me on encyclopaedia dramatica and I love how they don't think practice makes perfect. Unbelievable. rolls eyes And I love how they don't think drawing inspiration from other singers helps. I mostly just feel sorry for the idiot writing the page. I mean really, what's with the obsession? Don't they have a life of their own?	„
	—Liz finally admits her love for ED!

To clarify, practice makes perfect when there is already some talent present... Liz however can't sing in tune, can't sing in time, has no expression in her voice/face/body and her vowel and vocal production is horrendous. Seriously, she made "you're so vain" sound like "Yowr SOOOOO Veeeen!" So, if Liz is aiming to perfect the art of how NOT to sing and how NOT to win X-Factor then practice is most certainly making perfect.

Love you Liz xoxo!

On the 17th of November 2012 Liz took to Twitter to respond to the adoration of her neighbours:

	“	You would think that a note under my neighbours door would lead to them turning their annoying bass down but maybe I have to call noise Control seeing as they won't take my polite request to please turn the bass down because I start work at 7am....To call noise control or to not call noise control on my neighbours who insist on having their bass on. I went home at lunch for 5 minutes & they were blasting the music. They must think only they live in the building.	„
	—Or they are trying to drown out the wailing cat they have as a neighbour!

x factor critic

The Liz Shaw Remix

This piece of artistic genius speaks for itself. Enjoy!

Liz Shaw: The Remix

Liz Shaw: The Second Remix

Previous Video | Next Video

Countdown to Auditions

With just over two weeks until auditions, Liz upped the anti, increasing gym time to fit into her Karen Walker dress, dying her hair red, practising in toilets and vlogging about the whole torrid affair. In order to further establish herself as a crazy person, she also started singing live in parks. She announced on Twitter that her final decision on which song to murder is between SSN9 (Don't Cry For Me Argentina from Evita) and You and I by Lady Gaga. Liz also announced her future intentions on her daily affairs blog, guaranteeing a larger audience for her massive fall:

“

Getting closer - 15 days to go

15 days until X Factor Auckland auditions.

9 years ago I auditioned for NZ Idol as a piss take, knowing full well I couldn't sing and I ended up 2005's anti idol. The media took the piss out of me. I was called a talent free zone and my audition was used in a Telecom ad.

In 2009 I went through a Christian phase and started lessons because I wanted to join the choir. I started improving gradually and went from not being able to sing a single note in tune to being able to sing. Because I've been improving the whole way through, even though I'm no longer Christian I started to think, 'hey maybe this is a possibility' and had a goal to start gigging.

Then the X Factor auditions were announced and I thought to myself, 'why the hell not?'. In my preparation I've improved a great deal and though I only rank myself a 6/10 I have a talent for singing so if I get nowhere with X Factor I'll continue writing and gig in 6-12 months with a view to release some tracks on iTunes. There's a few songs I really want to record and cover.

It's funny that the one thing I was told I'd never do, and never wanted to do, is now the very thing I'm committed to.

„

Liz also draws inspiration from this PAYCHO:

PURE GENIUS

THE AUDITION

The Story Where The Producers Said No

On the 1st of February 2013 Liz trotted her sorry ass down to Manakau to audition for X Factor, certain that had what it takes and therefore she would be guaranteed a place in the judges round. Unfortunately, Liz's dream was crushed when (1) Paul Holmes died while she was waiting in line, 20 minutes before her audition, which lead to her (2) crying and not being on her A-game. In addition to this (3) Dominic Bowden was there and must have told the producers to say no to her, (4) she changed her audition song at the last minute and (5) the producers told her that her singing was flat and gave her the dreaded NO.

	“	I was upset about Paul Holmes' death, like had cried about it so sung Hero. I can hit those top notes though. Top notes are my strength. I shouldn't have been flat but I also shouldn't have changed the song right before.	„

Liz then did a predictable Borderline Personality Disorder flip on Twitter, trashing X Factor on and those involved:

	“	All I can say is the show will be a total failure and the 'winner' won't have a successful career. I was not flat but I'll record myself when I get home. I have no fucking idea what happened. I wasn't out of tune though, supposedly I was flat but had a nice voice. Its possible I sung it in a different key. The guy before me got a no yet when I heard him I could tell he was good. They might as well just pick yeses out of a hat.	„

She also recorded her singing just to check that she was, in fact, NOT flat:

	“	I've checked this and there's no way I was flat, I've checked 3 times now. I'm confused... I maintain it was coz I found out Paul Holmes died 20 mins before.	„

Well Liz, we did try and tell you. And the fact that you can't hear that you are flat, even when the producers of a talent show tell you that you are, is just further evidence that you are tone deaf. If you think anyone in their right mind is going to sign you for a record contract, or buy your music on iTunes, you really are batshit crazy. Perhaps you should sue your singing teacher for misrepresenting to you have much "talent" you've got.

And just when you thought it was safe to browse youtube without ear plugs or the headphones ripped out of the computer's sound socket. Hammy is back. On this show it is possible to post an online audition. How anyone could watch hammy on youtube without the sound muted is beyond comprehension for most people.

The Story Where The Producers Said Yes

The day after Liz announced to the world that she was not going to be part of X Factor, she changed her tune and said that she actually got a yes from the producers, thus putting her through to the televised audition. The truth in this is questionable, however, as it is widely understood that at this stage people are either getting told no, or maybe to call backs. Could this be evidence that Liz is the world's greatest troll? You be the judge.

The Story Where She Didn't Audition

We think Liz must be having a mental break or a severe identity crisis. On the 4th of February after receiving an unmanagaeable amount of constructive criticism on the Trademe Community Message Boards Liz dropped another bombshell about the X Factor:

	“	So I lied again, I actually chickened out of auditioning.	„

We'd like to think that this is the end of Liz's singing career, but unfortunately she seems intent on pursuing the creation of her own album. What Liz doesn't seem to get, is that she needs people to buy the album for it to be worth making. At this stage anyone with any form of hearing is unlikely to do so. But who knows, perhaps Liz will be a hit with the deaf community?

The Story Where She Got A Maybe

As if it were a joke, Liz announced on the 5th of February that she doesn't know the results of her audition, implying that she got a maybe. Psycho bitch needs her head check.

	“	Oh so hey, I actually don't yet know the results of X Factor, I think I find out in a couple of weeks:-)... Likes poker and the song Poker Face, and I'm excellent at calling people's bluff. It's how I beat a boss in Sydney.	„

Samsung Insider

And just to make things even more exciting, Liz has decided that she could actually be the X-Factor 'insider'. She made a predictably high quality video to record why she thinks she is worthy of this esteemed position. You can watch it here: https://www.facebook.com/SamsungMobileNZ?sk=app_625864094096301&app_data

Please do vote for her, as it would be funny for us all.

The Daniel Bedingfield Incident

In late May hammy thought she had scored a sweet gig as Bedingfield's unpaid assistant. Why anyone would work unpaid is way beyond comprehension but on planet hambeast anything is possible.

Read moar here: http://www.whaleoil.co.nz/2013/05/oh-thank-god-no-more-liz-shaw/

Acting

Liz Shaw has also tried her hand at acting. She failed.

Shortland Street

Liz, also an aspiring actress, was the first extra to be blacklisted from Shortland Street and all other South Pacific Pictures productions after leaking storyline details about the soap's romance of the year to a fan website. The trolls then dobbed her into the studio who sacked her sorry arse.

Shortland Street sucks anyway though. So no great loss.

The leak gained media attention as can be seen at ytmnd.com

Response to Reality TV and career aspirations

On Sunday the 9th of September, 2012, while not watching the final of The Block NZ (A completely crap Reality TV show similar to |Britain's got talent), Liz reflected on her failed TV career, her kinky relationship with "spongebob" and somehow concluded that the world has failed to recognize her acting genius and incredible fashion sense. In true Liz 'fashion' she has thrown a massive tanty and now refuses to support reality TV. It has been suggested that Liz will instead continue to famewhore her way to success through her literary adventures described in The Liz Shaw Files, which will ultimately be made into a reality TV show not unlike The Ridges. The following is Liz's failed attempt at writing a thought-provoking literary piece. However any disagreement or logical argument against her point of view will result in Liz exercising her massive banhammer skills :

“

New Zealand's Got Talent started tonight. It's a show which attempts to find a star, and make them loads of money. Im not watching the show so I won't comment on it specifically. I will however talk about the pitfalls of reality from the eyes of someone who has been on a number of reality shows.

Back in 2003 I sent in a random application to be on a Touchdown Production. I forgot about it but then on the 8th of December 2003, Fiona McDonald ring me for a casting. I had to answer some questions and then audition. I knew I was going to be on the show but it wasn't confirmed until a few days later after I dyed my hair.

I was flown down to Wellington to Avalon Studios where I met another contestant before going and watching the current contestants on CCTV. I told my fellow contestant that I was gonna sleep with Spongebob who was already in the house (It was Big Brother meets Who Wants to be a Millionaire).

We both went into the 'house' and I was eliminated quickly. I was gut, gut, gutted. A few days later Spongebob returned to Auckland and we made contact. To cut a long story short, we had a fling.

I was left with a lot of regrets so when I heard NZ Idol was auditioning I decided to do it for a laugh, and that backfired. I wasn't serious about singing back in 04, but I was angry when I was told I couldn't present and that I had poor taste in clothing.

Fast forward a year and I was in the media again for 'leaking' a Shortland Street storyline when really I'd just accurately guessed it.

This leads me to why I'm doing this blog tonight. I have absolutely no regrets and if I could be 18 again I would still do Captive & I'd still do Idol but I'd take the joke further and rap the national anthem as id originally planned to do. No but seriously, as we saw in the finale of The Block this week, reality tv builds you up only to crush you. Rachel & Tyson walked out with nothing.

My motivations for doing reality tv in the first place were quite simple. Id seen Big Brother stars get acting careers and I thought that could happen to me. Although I'd do Captive and NZ Idol again in a heartbeat because of the great memories, I'd say it's better to just go the conventional way to a media career otherwise you may end up 5 years behind, or at least get a PR executive to manage your media interviews.

It is based on my own personal experiences that I do not support reality tv, and refuse to watch.

„

— The Liz Shaw Files: Reality TV - the truth behind it

Liz strongly opposes reality TV. However everyone knows that aspiring journalists cannot be choosy when it comes to subject matter, and as such, Liz endured a whole episode of The Ridges in order to obtain more content for her literary and political genius. Unfortunately for Liz this backfired because everyone can see she is just butthurt that Jaime has everything she wants: a TV show, brains, a modelling career, people who want to sleep with her, and a life. Oh and money. Liz is always on the lookout for more money so she can pay back Felicity:

“

Tonight was the premier of The Ridges starring Jaime Ridge and mother Sally Ridge. Sally was formerly married to Matthew Ridge. It was revealed early on in the show that Jaime does not have a relationship with her father or her other siblings, namely her half brother.

I'm not going to review the show on a "what are the Ridges like?" manner, instead I'm going to review it in a "what's wrong with society?" way, to highlight some really important issues that are ever increasing in this nation.

As I've mentioned, Jaime doesn't have a relationship with her father and this is both sad and pathetic. It's sad that someone with so much privilege in their life doesn't have the basic love of both of her parents, and it's pathetic that the parents cannot put their differences behind them for the sake of their children.

Right from the outset of the program it is clear that this has had an impact on Jaime's life and level of independence. She was scared of a mouse. Now I know, not many of us like mice, but we don't scream at them. Someone who had grown up with boys wouldn't see it as a big deal. They may not like it, but they would take care of it themselves. It is basic things like this that are lacking from Jaime's life.

In the show, Jaime said she was never going to go flatting because she loved her mother, and their bond is apparent in the show. The problem is, she's missing out on life. She won't have that experience of learning independence and she won't have the experience of making some great memories. I can't imagine a world where I didn't go flatting. Some of my best memories are from flatting, and when I go past my old flat I do always feel a sense of nostalgia.

I want to return, for a moment, to the mouse incident, Jaime has no concept of reality. She was complaining that her ipad bag would get dirty. Does she not realise just how good she has it? There are children starving in south Auckland, and she is concerned about her ipad bag and getting her hair messy? I find it such a disgrace that someone can lack the basic necessities of life.

Jaime says she is studying Law and Commerce, but I find that hard to fathom, unless there are two sides to her but I highly doubt that. She doesn't just come across as simple, she comes across as so incredibly clueless about real life.

I would like to see Jaime have to spend time with a charity in South Auckland getting her hands dirty and learning what real life is.

Jaime may have all the money and technology in the world, but the things she lacks are so much more important than money - independence, a sense of reality, a good family life (and although I can't stand her, I really do feel sorry for her that she comes from a broken home and that her parents can't put their differences aside - it genuinely makes me sad) and a work ethic.

Broken family homes and relationships are something that, as a nation, we need to address.

„

— The Liz Shaw Files: A dose of reality - The Ridges

Liz's Acting Come Back

On September 11 2013 Liz Shaw announced to the world that she was selling her ticket to Taylor Swift, and three items of vintage Karen Walker to fund a new venture: acting classes. On the Liz Shaw files Liz wrote:

“

"There's only two types of people in the world

The ones that entertain, and the ones that observe"

That's what Britney Spears sings about in her song, Circus on her 2008 album of the same name. Anyone who has followed me, or my blog knows that I write and sing, and that I act, but they also know that I gave up acting a while ago to focus on my singing and to focus on my weight loss.

A couple of years ago I had given up acting because I needed to lose weight and I still have 3-4 kilos to go but I'm now at a weight where I can get back into acting. Despite having been out of acting for the last couple of years I have been focused on singing. It was because of singing that I decided to quit smoking and start running. I needed to start running for my breathing.

Last week I rejoined Les Mills where I had been a member from the ages of 14 through to 20 and the gym has hair straighteners. On Monday I decided to straighten my hair for a date that night. I took some photographs to tweet and upload to Facebook. I realised something, am very good looking.

A few days ago I was on the Home and Away website and I noticed that someone I did acting classes with a few years ago scored a role on the show. This is my favourite show for those of you who don't know so I am more than a little bit jealous.

It made me think when I saw this.

I've always planned to return to acting but I just wasn't ready because I wanted to focus on my looks and weight and my singing. I wanted to wait until I was in the right head space. There is no point in acting if you aren't truly committed to it and if you won't give it your all. You have to be 100% present and in the moment.

When I was a kid, I always used to promise myself that I wasn't going to look back when I was 90 regretting what could have been but what never was. I always promised myself that even if I was 90 I would still focus on acting and making it. I'm not even a third of the way there and like I say there is no point in looking back with regret and that is why I am returning to acting.

I've missed it and without sounding like that terrible quote, you only live one and you might as well make the most of it. There is no point in looking back with regret, especially when it's something you're passionate about in the first place. There is also no point in being jealous of someone else's achievements when you can do the same thing yourself if you commit and focus.

You see I'd rather live to 90 knowing that I tried than to think I gave up when I was only 27. There would be nothing worse than seeing other people's successes and thinking, "why didn't I try harder?" It is with that in mind I am selling some of my Karen Walker clothing so I can return to acting. Yes, nice clothes are nice, but I'd rather have experienced life and fought for my goals than worn nice clothing. I would rather it say on my tombstone, "never gave up on what she was passionate about", than "wore heaps of Karen Walker clothing".

Life is for living, and that is why I am going to do everything I possibly can to make a success of both acting and singing. I'm ready to return, especially now that I am happy with my looks again and getting good at singing.

„

— The Liz Shaw Files: There's only two types of people in the world

To see the photos that lead to Lizzie's realisation of hotness see here: http://img42.imageshack.us/img42/3377/9pd4.png and here: http://img833.imageshack.us/img833/569/viez.png

StarNow Profile

Following her Sydney job-retraction debacle Liz decided she really needed to put herself out there and set up a StarNow profile. As well as including some way-too-heavy make-up selfies, Liz listed current career achievements such as:

Step Dave : Extra - Audience member, Auckland, NZ - 2013
TV Series - Outrageous Fortune : Extra, Auckland, NZ - 2006
TVC - Listerine "I love a parade" : Extra, Auckland, NZ - 2006
TV Series - Captive : Reality - Myself, Auckland, NZ - 2003
Fortune Theatre - Alice Through the Looking Glass : Alice, Dunedin, NZ - 2002

She also claims to be able to do New Zealand and Australian accents. Sounds like her career has so far equated to sweet fuck all!

Liz's profile can be viewed here: http://www.starnow.co.uk/sydneysmithnz and if she deletes that here: https://drive.google.com/file/d/0B5Az8XNKWy6yNDJVbmJBSXFXVmc/edit?usp=sharing

NZX Porn Shoot

In 2005 Steve Crow, ‘the porn king’ advertised a nude model search in Craccum, the University of Auckland’s student magazine. The prize was $10,000 wiped off the winner’s student loan. Liz participated and posed nude, and while she did not win the competition, received $400 for her participation. Photos are widely available online, and many critics have suggested that Liz may have been more successful if she had simply waxed and wiped her ass

Liz Shaw's porno pictures. Warning: They're digusting.

A video of the entire porn shoot was shown on TV soon afterwards and is well worth watching as the other two girls are pretty hot. Just skip over the bits about Liz Shaw though. They are disgusting.

She also had an interesting chat to MoreFM, the very day after she did her porn shoot. A dark day in history, indeed. http://ia600406.us.archive.org/33/items/Malibu_Girl_Interview_on_More_FM/AJFunnellMoreFMLizShawInterviewpart1.mp3 http://ia600208.us.archive.org/11/items/Malibu_Girl_Interview_on_More_FM_Part_2/AJFunnellMoreFMLizShawInterviewpart2.mp3

2013 Truth mag spin-off

In January 2013, Liz agreed to have her disgusting porn pics from a second photo shoot taken in 2006 plastered all over Truth, a smutty New Zealand tabloid, with the genius title XXX-Factor. This was not before she uttered the famous last words:

A scary pic of Liz on the front of Truth showing off her food baby. Warning: what has been seen cannot be unseen

	“	Yeah it's not a publication I'll ever read. I prefer politics over smut.	„
	—Liz Shaw pretending to be high-brow

She also took a screenshot of the front cover of the mag (see right), uploading it on to Twitter, saying:

	“	Is it egotistical to screenshot this to my phone coz I love how I look?	„
	—Liz has an extremely high tolerance to pain of any sort

Seriously, bitch looks like she's in her final trimester, and last we heard, Liz hated pregnant women.

Political Career

She got a set of political slogan cards produced for $500

In 2011 Liz Decided she would stand as an Independent MP for the Auckland Central electorate. Obviously as with everything else Liz does this was doomed to failure before it started. She took the suggestion that a bridge be built between New Zealand and Australia extremely seriously, even though it was an obvious attempt at a troll. This generated many lols all over the internet and even got her a mention in Sideswipe, which Liz took extreme offence at. However, many lulz were had and her facebook political page was up and down more times than a Vietnamese hooker on crack.

Liz, as an aspiring politician had the right idea, her stance on censorship was overwhelmingly obvious with anyone who disagreed with her or asked questions she found difficult to answer finding themselves banned. This included the Human rights commission who kindly pointed out that this was not the best political strategy.

What ? Violating Human Rights ? Not allowed to censor ? I think I'll just delete that and it will go away !

Anyway, after censoring the Human rights commission, Liz went on to tackle larger problems, like how to build a bridge between Auckland and Sydney. This of course got picked up by various Media outlets and she became a bit of a laughing stock.

Liz: Like bridges? Well, do I have a proposal for YOU!

	“	Remember Liz Shaw? She is a fame-seeker who has auditioned for NZ Idol, was dumped as an extra on Shortland Street for leaking plot details, and posed for photos with Steve Crow and was interviewed about it on 20/20. Now she's running as an independent for the Auckland Central seat and appears to be taking the suggestion that a bridge be built between Australia and New Zealand er, seriously.	„
	—Ana Samways' highly amusing take on Hambeast's career, June 20 2011.

Liz got all offended at Sideswipe taking the piss because she doesn't like people to think she's dumb, even though this was, ironically, the most media coverage the woman had had in a while. Which is what she craves. Her tack was to then pretend that she had ALWAYS considered the Auckland-Sydney bridge idea as a joke when we all know that she totally took the question seriously.

Undaunted by the stupid people laughing at her, she added other things to her slowly growing list of policies and things she stood for (I know, most politicians work this stuff out BEFORE running, but not our favourite Attention Whore)

Right before she once again Failed to actually finish something she started, and removed her political campaign page, she had written: "Standing for parliament has been a long term goal of mine, and I'm doing it this year because I feel I have something very worthwhile to contribute and the time is right.", I guess the time was actually wrong.

Some of Liz Shaw's Policies

Building a Bridge between Auckland and Sydney (distance 2,153,610 meters. Currently, the longest bridge in the world is 164,800 meters)
More rights and assistance for Homeless
Remove all social services that could actually help the homeless
Except those she uses
Kill the disabled and intellectually challenged
Outlawing breastfeeding in public
Forcing earthquake stricken Christchuch to relocate to Otara
"Fixing" Auckland's Public Transport
Introducing a toll bridge between North Shore and Auckland Central
Reducing the toll charge when she got a car
Banning the burqa
Paying those with physical disabilities less to work
Ensuring women are paid less than men
Reducing immigration despite having no how immigration currently works
0% income tax
Compulsory paternity testing

Liz's turn to the left

As if it couldn't get any more fucked up, she now supports Labour. After spending years as a right-wing retard, she decided that she suddenly has a 'social conscience'.

From the Hambeasts mouth (some of her policies)

Families

The declining rate of the two parent household is leading to an increase in child poverty and crime rates, so we need to work to keep families together by increasing the role that CYFS will play in the raising of the child. By keeping a family together, this will also ideally lead to a reduction in the welfare spend.
Children need two loving parents so regardless of sexual orientation adoption will be open to all couples who meet the criteria.
Gay marriage will be legalised.
For families who are no longer intact, there will be in emphasis on both parents contributing to the upbringing of their child - both financially and with custody.
Compulsory paternity testing where the identity of the father is contested.
Working for Families to be cut.

Taxation, Kiwisaver and Employment Law

Company tax to be reduced to 23% to encourage business growth and development within New Zealand, which will ultimately create more jobs and less reliance on welfare.
Secondary tax to be axed. Total income to be assessed together.
GST on food to be removed entirely to increase affordability for families and reduce the burden on the taxpayer to assist with welfare payments.
Tax refunds can be obtained from the IRD for up to 10 years eg;; in 2012 you could still claim for 2002.
Personal tax rate to be cut to 15% across the board.
90 day trial to remain so that employers and employees have an "out" clause.
Ability to trade annual leave for extra pay. To be negotiated with the private employer.
Minimum wage to be raised to $17.50 per hour to reduce the rate of welfare payments and to help families. On a 40 hour week it would increase one's income by $160. This will assist with saving and self sufficiency.
Kiwisaver to remain optional for all employees. No automatic sign up when commencing new employment.

Health

Liz if she were playing Mimi from the Drew Carey Show

Increased funding for mental health facilities throughout the country with a focus on cognitive therapy to reduce depression and eating disorder rates.
Working with groups in society to reduce the rate of suicide to 450 by 2020.
Promotion of society groups so people are active in the community and there is less chance of becoming an alcoholic or suffering other debilitating mental health conditions.
Drug abuse will be treated by the Ministry of Health and not seen as a crime in the eyes of the Government. Drug legislation to be modified.
Compulsory health insurance for those who can get it, public health as a backstop for those who have preexisting conditions.
Healthy living to be promoted with advertising - personal growth of fruit and vegetables to ensure that children and adults are getting the nutrients they need to stay healthy.

Crime

Murder will always carry life imprisonment without parole.
Manslaughter will carry a minimum of 20 years imprisonment.
Petty crime will carry at least 500 hours community service with extra funding for rehabilitation (to be funded out of a capital gains tax)
For youth offenders there will be rehabilitation programmes and a promotion of attendance in either a sports or arts club to prevent the likelihood of reoffending.
Promotion of community groups and participation with increased funding for advertising.
Zero tolerance on drink driving. Increased minimum fine to $500 and 35 demerit points for the first offence, fine of $1000 for the second offence and loss of 70 demerit points.
Increased police on the roads patrolling the nation. New Police colleges to be built so one doesn't have to relocate to Wellington for the training.
Instead of increasing welfare, we will seek to help families develop the self esteem and the social networks so that the rate of abuse drops by 20%.
Driving age to be increased to the age of 18 for those in the city and stay at 16 for those in the rural areas.
Free anger management classes provided by the community for those with a violent disposition or previous history of violence

Transport

More frequent services on Auckland's North Shore.
Increased wheelchair access on buses - more modern buses.
Lower fares (which will be subsidised by an increase in the fuel tax for Aucklanders).
Increased hours of public transport - buses and trains will finish at 1am on weekdays and 24 hours for Fridays and Saturdays.
Reinstatement of train line to go from Piction down to Bluff. Daily services.
Reinstatement of North Island trains to go from Wellington - Cape Reinga.
Another bridge from Auckland City through to the North Shore with Capacity for trains and cyclists.
Increased cycle facilities throughout NZ starting with Auckland.

Shaw vs ED

Check the talk page

A 11/17/2013 vandal message from Liz Shaw herself.

During an hourly session of Googling herself one day, Liz discovered this article and immediately became shocked and appalled that anyone would dare write something mean about her on the internet. Her current plan of action includes taking this page to her local police, and somehow getting them to track down the author, as well as ED admins and having them promptly arrested. Unfortunately, Liz's two brain cells do not allow her to realize:

Free speech ≠ slander
Local police have no technological experience or training
ED is hosted in a completely different country, there is nothing her government can do

	“	This is blatant defamation. Either the page goes or I contact the police. I've already made contact with the police and I will happily have them track who has set this up. Your IP will be reorded and you are stalking me (in real life) so either this page goes or I report you to the police and have you arrested for stalking, defamation and unwanted attention. Same with the admins of this site, either they disallow this page or I will have the police deal to them too.	„

After discovering her page on ED she has fixed things by adding a copyright notice to her personal facebook page that reads.

	“	Everything on this Facebook page/profile is personal & private information. It is copyrighted to Elizabeth Joan shaw as of 3/10/11. If anything is reproduced without prior written consent you are in breach of the copyright regulations which govern this page. By having me as a friend you agree to these terms and conditions.	„

This will obviously ensure no one will ever post her private information she makes public ever again.

Liz seems to always forget painfully quickly that the police just laugh her out the station every time. On 30 December 2011:

	“	...Going to the police tomorrow with a list of suspects who live in Auckland. I'm sorry but if you knew what was good for you, you wouldn't have taken it this far. And I'm sorry you have a mental illness but that is not my fault, nor should you be harassing me, and the fact you think this behaviour is acceptable makes it even worse. Either remove the page by 5:30pm or I go to the police with a list of suspects, and chances are, if you live in Auckland you're on the list!	„

Ooooh, the LIST. This sounds like serious biz. As if the cops don't have anything better to do with their time!

	“	This page has gone too far, please remove this once and for all. I'm now begging. Please. Have a heart.	„
	—How the mighty vandal has fallen. November 16, 2013.

Liz gets the kittens

“

Hi,

I know I said a few days ago that you would not hear from me again if my work info was removed. When I go to the talk page to edit it I receive threatening images when logged in as blonde. can you please remove the entire page. I'm going back to the police as I think I've tracked down the person who is doing this and I am now fearing for my safety. The person I think it is has a known track record of stalking and harassing women in Auckland.

Can you please remove the page as it isn't just a hate page anymore. It's basically death threats with mutilated bodies showing. Please remove it immediately.

„

Quotes

Liz has made some absolutely fantastic sound bites over the years, and the following is a list of some of them.

	“	Bad attitudes cause poverty. Bad attitudes cause abuse, lack of money doesn't cause poverty. Poverty is caused by bad attitudes.	„
	—Liz Shaw explains poverty

	“	I support same sex marriage. I don't support same sex adoption at this stage without further research being done into how children who are raised with homosexual parents do compared to those who are not in the same area.	„
	—Gay people should not have children

	“	I can listen to myself now without cringing now. Last week I was still cringing but now I've intensified practicing I'm getting results	„
	—Liz Shaw is going to dominate X Factor

	“	Lord knows Dreams are hard to follow But don't let anyone Tear them away Hold on There will be tomorrow	„
	—Some lyrical brilliance from Liz Shaw

	“	Oh my god. I'm listening to myself right now. I'm amazed! Is this actually me?	„
	—No Liz you must be listening to Mariah Carey because you sure as hell can't sing!

	“	It's odd, I struggle with emotion and voice production in lessons but I'm practicing and they're my strong points!	„
	— Nope, wrong again.

	“	practising my singing now:-) And listening, I say this every time & I mean it, I'm getting HEAPS better:-) :-) :-) :-) :-)	„
	—LOLOLOLOLOL

	“	Further dumbing down of the media is today's actions by RadioLive. Between 2pm and 3pm today, Prime Minister John Key hosted the show and quite honestly, as a trained media person and someone who is currently undertaking post graduate studies in journalism (and going on to my masters next year). I am insulted by this... because it demeans what it is to be a journalist and what it is to study media. All too often we see the media domain littered with former sportsmen, and apparently, now politicians. Why is it that John Key, a banker can host a radio show yet there are hundreds of media graduates crossing the ditch or going to the other side of the world because they can't obtain jobs within the industry? I find it really insulting that I, along with others, have studied, and are studying, yet untrained people are stealing our jobs. It makes a mockery of the media and it makes a mockery of the political system.	„
	— Liz is butthurt that John Key got her gig.

	“	Prime Minister John Key should be doing HIS job. His job is to address the nation's problems, not to host radio shows talking about cats. If he's really got that much free time on his hands why isn't he out in his electorate meeting with constituents and why isn't he meeting with the Maori Party earlier to discuss the sale of state assets? He was not elected to host radio shows. He was elected to run the country rather than joking around like a little school boy.	„
	—Liz has a love/hate relationship with the NZ Prime Minister

	“	I was forced to get the train after work and that's what I want to blog about. The train came on time and was a very fast journey. Some of the stops reminded me of Sydney. It was actually really awesome catching the train, and the stop is so close to my home, the same distance as the bus stop.	„
	— Liz blogs about really important stuff!

	“	The quality of journalism is already poor in this country with many articles being a copy and paste job rather than actually going to the location and interviewing people... Don't you think the Councillors are too busy working on fixing the city to contact you? The journalists should have phoned the Council rather than expecting the already busy councillors to call them. That said, there are no journalists to do exactly that because they've all been sacked and the ones remaining seem to think that Twitter and Facebook are credible sources of information (which they are not).	„
	—Liz is journalism expert.

	“	Overall though I think we shouldn't judge celebrities based on what the press write about them because more often than not, the press is wrong.	„
	—In other words ignore everything that Liz writes.

	“	I have never been particularly pro or against the war in Afghanistan but following the deaths of five New Zealand soldiers in the last two weeks I can categorically say I am now in favour of the war, and think the Government needs to increase defence spending.	„
	—Is Liz a serial killer???

	“	I was having a conversation today with someone about fashion, and I uttered the phrase, "I love Karen Walker because her designs are art, they're timeless pieces of art".	„
	—Because real vintage is too mainstream

	“	Am I the only one who doesn't care about the Royal family? They're so outdated and it's so pretentious and fake. Ugh!	„
	—Liz Shaw anti-monarchy since yesterday.

	“	When I was 13 and started working I was paid $5 per hour, and then at 16 I moved up to $8 per hour at McDonalds before moving up to $10 at 17. I'm significantly higher than those wages now. A new worker, someone just entering the workforce cannot expect to be paid the same rate as an adult who has been in the workforce for 10 years and developed a number of skills and work ethic. That experience is invaluable and will make it easier for them to progress up the career ladder.	„
	—Liz prostitutes herself for $5 an hour. No wonder she's fucked in the head.

	“	I am so incredibly OVER hearing about the GCSB (Government Can Suck Balls)... It is NOT important, and it is bloody naive to think that the GCSB doesn't spy on NZ citizens. They wouldn't be doing their job if they only spied within their limitations. This information should not have even been released to the public as national security is at risk, and why is the mole not being held accountable. I cannot believe the absolute level of ignorance from radio announcers and it is seriously frustrating me which is why it's taken me so long to rant about it, but I cannot take it any longer.	„
	—Liz is a conspiracy theorists

	“	Under GCSB jurisdiction they are not allowed to spy on permanent residents or New Zealand citizens. I have a couple of issues with what has been reported in the media. The major one is that we are naive if we don't think that the Government spies on citizens and if they only act within their guidelines so I actually have no issue with them spying on Kim Dot Com and I don't think they would be doing their job if they didn't. My other issue is that there has been too much focus on Prime Minister John Key. Does it really matter when he first heard about Kim Dot Com? His job is to run the country and that means occasionally witholding information from the media and the public. He wouldn't be doing his job if he told us everything, and there are some things we simply shouldn't know.	„
	—Liz tells John Key how to do his job!

	“	So sick of all these pad ads. Tampons are way better!	„
	—Liz fails to recognize the concept of TMI

	“	This lack of female commentators on political shows really pisses me off. Shall we go back to the kitchen?	„
	—Liz Shaw pretends she can cook, but really the world knows she buys all her meals from Subway

Previous Quote | Next Quote

Many quotes were blatantly stolen from sites around the tubes, Links are in the bottom external links section. Its good to see Liz so grounded in reality.

Gallery

More of Liz About missing Pics

Liz on her birthday ordering the cheapest drink possible as she's poor
Here she is walking to catch the bus. If I were the driver I'd leave now!
Don't get hit by that van !
A Montage of Ham

[Collapse GalleryExpand Gallery]

Ham stalking around campus
Spotted on the great wall of china
Burn it with fire !
Likes it in the batty
Cartoons are awesome
Angry Ham
Target Acquired
Size 8 ? Yeah Right
Smarmy bitch, you're on the minimum wage
Look ! Matching Sofas
Look, Liz's place of work is so private she posted it on the Internet.
Liz wearing lip gloss as eye shadow. Her eyes look like they've got warts.

</gallery>

External Links

Liz Shaw is part of a series on

Whores

Visit the Whores Portal for complete coverage.

Liz Shaw is part of a series on Enemies of the Lulz


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	Websites
	4chon.net • Above Top Secret • Anarchy_Online • Ares • Blockland • Doutaini • encyclopediadramatica.wiki • Failcyclopedia • Furcadia • Furry Paws • Grass_City • Hypercube • Inkpop • Legi0n • MyWikiBiz • PlaneShift • Potterforums • SSO • Teenspot • The Anti-Twilight Movement • The YouTube Thomas Club • TwilightSucks • Wild Wolf Society • World of Darkness • Y! Japanese Anime • ZDaemon • Zetaforum • ZuuP
	Methods
	Press charges • Blank your article • File a lawsuit • File a DMCA • Buy a dog • Hire professionals • Ask people to help • Call the Police
	End Result
	Kill yourself • Hide the Evidence • Ragequit
	See Also
	White Knighting • Done with ED • Final solution • Free Speech

Liz Shaw
is part of a series on
Ausfailia

[CollapseExpand]

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Politics

Australian Internet Filter ♦ Australian Federal Police ♦ Australian Media ED Interview ♦ Paula Benson ♦ Book of CADNOCAT ♦ The Chaser ♦ Julia Gillard ♦ Pauline Hanson ♦ John Howard ♦ The Kate Party ♦ Liberal Party of Australia ♦ Operation Titstorm ♦ Project Freeweb ♦ Kevin Rudd ♦ National Anthem ♦ Sorry Day ♦ Dianne Thorley ♦ Nick Xenophon ♦ Tony Abbott

Featured article October 4, 2011 & October 5, 2011
Preceded by Occupy Wall Street and James Cordone Double Feature!	Liz Shaw	Succeeded by Steve Jobs