E-Psychiatrist

It is my expert opinion that you are retarded.

Are you problem free? Are you an enlightened, happy, content human being who merely uses the internet for a bit of light-hearted fun and relaxation after a productive day of study and/or work? Do you have a wonderful life filled with good friends, good food and good times?

Thousands of people think that you don't even though they have never met you.

These people are called e-Psychiatrists.

e-Psychiatrists have absolutely no qualifications, education or capability to assess your psyche, and yet they will diagnose you with all manner of crazies.

For example, if you get into fun argument with somebody on the internet about something trivial, the e-Psychiatrist will instantly tell you that you have an antisocial personality disorder or a schizoid disorder.

The diagnosis of an E-Psychiatrist can be used as e-vidence against you in an internet trial, and are therefore often employed as consultants by e-lawyers. Note that e-Psychiatry should never be used in concert with an e-meter, as Scientologists are opposed to all forms of psychiatry.

e-Psychiatrist Cheat Sheet

Want to be an e-psychiatrist? Easy! Print out this easy-to-follow table and be a star!

Symptom	Problem
Subject mentions an old argument as evidence in a new argument.	Subject has issues with clinging to the past.
Subject think that he would probably be turned off if that chick he was talking to revealed that she had a penis.	Subject is clearly homophobic.
Subject is riding the lollercoaster.	Subject has Stockholm syndrome.
Subject is a fake journal.	Subject has multiple personality disorder.
Subject has no legs.	Subject is former president/socialist FDR.
Subject possesses strong command of telekinesis.	Subject needs to be liberated from The Matrix.
Subject plays WoW.	Subject has little social life, few IRL friends.
Subject plays WoW more then ten hours a day.	Subject lives in the basement of his sixty-year old mother, is fat, never leaves the house, doesn't see anyone IRL and has forgotten their name except for their IG call sign.
Subject posts "lol" or "+1" a lot.	Subject is too mentally retarded to write a correct sentence or likes to suck up on others.
Subject says "I have a strong personality."	Subject was beaten by parents as a child.
Subject claims to be "emotionally sensitive."	Subject is a pussy and is scared of anyone that looks at them in the eyes.
Subject claims to be "young but sexually mature."	Subject was raped as a child.
Subject claims to have a "healthy life."	Subject is fat and does little exercise.
Subject claims to be "a little overweight."	Subject is a massive fat-ass.
Subject claims to have a great "inner beauty."	Subject is ugly and tries to compensate by forcing their friends to say how nice and helpful they are.
Subject claims to have "a strong character."	Subject is a pain to live with, doesn't accept refusal, will not compromise and doesn't perform blowjobs. Ever.
Subject claims to be "athletic and in good shape."	Subject has nice tits and/or is a homosexual man and is asking for some hot sex in a subtle way.
Subject claims to be a "trustworthy friend."	Subject will listen to hours of their stupid friends worthless lives if they can fuck them eventually.
Subject claims to "understand women."	Subject is either gay or very patient at awaiting sex from their friends.
Subject claims to be a "young poet with dark thoughts and a pessimistic view of our society."	Subject is emo, listens to My Chemical Romance, likes to dress as a goth and has problems with his/her parents. This subject may also refuse to accept that no one cares about their thoughts or feelings.
Subject says that "he/she will commit suicide before reaching 30 years of age."	Subject is emo, but will eventually get raped at a Marilyn Manson concert, common sense will break out once she realizes her life is fucked up and return to a normal life.
Subject claims to be a "timid, well-behaving individual."	Subject will do anything to have a taste of your cock/pussy if he/she can be sure nobody else will know about it.
Subject supports "peace and love" and wants people to "stop fighting all across the world."	Subject has no sense of perspective and little understanding of anything more complicated than children's books.
Subject claims to have a "healthy marriage."	Male: Subject drinks a lot, beats his wife and children. Female: Subject's husband cheats on her.
Subject claims to be "sexually proficient."	Subject masturbates a lot and is a virgin.
Subject claims to feel "uneasy with homosexual people."	Male: Subject secretly dreams of having a cock rammed up their ass. Female: Subject secretly dreams of being scissored.
Subject admits to an "occasional drink or two."	Subject is a drunkard.
Subject owns a blog, Facebook, and posts videos on YouTube.	Subject has difficulties communicating IRL.
Subject likes to show their tits and/or remind everyone that they are single.	Subject is a virgin, fat, ugly, socially inept and wants nothing else but to get themselves fucked by anything with a dick and two legs.
Subject wants to have a "serious relationship with someone."	Male: Someone they can fuck without being drunk. Female: Someone they can see again after one night of sex.
Subject claims to be into sports.	Subject has most likely watched a football game once.
Subject claims to be into music.	Subject has been on YouTube lately.
Subject claims to know all about women.	Subject downloads a lot of porn.
Subject claims to have a lot of female friends.	Subject is still a virgin, hasn't ever managed to score with any of his friends and has to settle with listening to their female whining.
Subject claims to enjoy the company of children.	Subject is a pedophile.
Subject claims to be between the ages of 10 and 16 and likes older guys.	Subject works for the FBI.
Subject claims to like animals and has many of them as pets.	Subject is into furry porn and fucks his/her "pets" on a regular basis.
Subject claims to have a military background.	Subject is an internet tough guy. Probably plays Counter Strike.
Subject claims to be a Satanist.	Subject listened to Cradle of Filth once while fapping with his best friend.
Subject claims to be into metal.	Subject once downloaded a Dragonforce mp3 and kept it on his hard drive even though he hated it, just so he could claim to be a metalhead.
Subject claims to be a guitar hero.	Subject plays Guitar Hero.
Subject's son fell out a twenty third story window.	Subject is Eric Clapton.
Subject claims to use torrents a lot.	Subject is a winrar.
Subject thinks being "real" is their best trait.	Subject has a small vocabulary and uses "real" as an antonym for "stuck-up"... meaning subject is a slut
Subject believes in conspiracy theories	Subject is easily impressed and lacks the attention span to research that truth is more boring than fiction
Subject claims to be an American liberal atheist	Subject is mad at their conservative Christian parents for "brainwashing" them and thinks they know everything despite not reading books.

See Also

• Argent009
• Crossmack
• Disorder
• kineticlightning
• MBTI
• Psychiatrists

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E-Psychiatrist is part of a series on Psychology