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Mitt Romney
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This article needs moar lulz and muckraking. You can help by adding moar lulz and muckraking. |
Willard "Mitt" Romney (aka "Mit-Wit") is an American businessman and cybernetic organism who tried to buy the office of President of the United States in the lulzy 2012 election. He tried to evict the nigger and restore Wall Street to its old self, but Barack Hussein Obama unzipped his pants and pounded him with his giant peter.
Sometime in early 2012, the Republican Party realized that all their favorite candidates were too stupid and corrupt to even beat a black guy, so they settled on a Mormon android with no personality and no convictions, except those that make him rich, and which prevent your girlfriend from having that abortion you want her to have. Seeing as the majority of Americans hate Barack Hussein Obama for reasons both real and imagined (mostly imagined), Romney should have little difficulty in becoming the nation's first non-human president. The only problem is that Romney is a Mormon, and thus believes that when he dies, he and his wives will inherit a planet in outer space, where they will have endless celestial sex and bear many space children. In related news, Romney has been the subject of many flame wars on Republican blogs for flip-flops on abortion. He is loved by such Republican fags as Mann Coulter, Rush Limbaugh, and Sean Hannity, even though he introduced a universal healthcare bill in Massachusetts that was identical to Obama's. But let's be honest, it was okay 'cause he ain't no nigger.
In 2012, after becoming the object of universal hatred among butthurt conservatives who wanted Frothy to win, Paultards who realize Romney bought the nomination (which is true, but nobody except them gives a shit), and liberals who bitch about everything in general, Romney began his grand quest to expel the black menace from the White House. After destroying closeted homosexuals, some insane psycho bitch, and a practice nigger, Romney geared up for what is almost certain to be an even more lulzy presidential election than the previous one in 2008, even without a pentecostal fucktard whore for added lulz.
Special Olympics
Mitt Romney is the guy who organized the 2002 Winter Olympics in Mormonland. In other words, you were able to watch 13 year olds prance around the ice because of him. Mitt Romney is strongly opposed, however, to any forms of child exploitation, just like many of his colleagues. Mitt said he learned a lot from the experience that inspired him to be a politician, such as "how to kick all the other countries' asses by exploiting the lives of America's youth and rub it in their faces later".
Because Americunts can't do anything right, even when under an international spotlight, a hero was needed to save America from international embarrassment that they wouldn't have been able to blame on W. Because it took place in Utah, Romney, a rich corporate fuck who just happened to be a Mormon, seemed like an obvious choice. At first, Romney refused, due to him taking no small amount of pleasure from Bain Capital making every company that signed a Faustian contract with them his bitch, in that he cannibalized the entire company while firing all of their workers for the lulz and Jewgolds. When promised all of the hot young Mormon pussy he could ever want, though, he agreed.
Nowadays, Romney touts the 2002 Winter Olympics as probably his only worthwhile accomplishment, since everything else he tries to take credit for is either bullshit or something he flip-flopped over 9000 times on.
2012 Nomination
After running an absolute failure of a campaign in 2008, Romney returned to the political scene in 2011 to prove to the American people that even a faggot liberal Mormon is better than a black guy running the country. Unfortunately Romney forgot that Republicans (and people in general) still did not like him and he watched for several months as political trolls Michele Bachmann, Newt Gingrich, and Rick Santorum all got more votes than him. Eventually the NASCAR fans, child rapists, and business criminals who make up the GOP realized that Romney was their only hope to beat President Porch Monkey and they agreed to give him the nomination under the condition that he keep his magic underwear and other batshit beliefs to himself. As President he has promised to be both for and against abortion, gay marriage, and Obamacare. There has been much speculation as to whom Romney will choose as his running mate. Obviously he won't pick one with a vagina because that didn't work out so well last time. Some possibilities include: Noted fat fuck and governor of New Jersey, Chris Christie, neoconservative beaner Marco Rubio, and homosexual Christfag Rick Santorum.
Surprise, surprise; in August of 2012, he picked Randroid Paul Ryan, the one person Democrats thought Romney wouldn't be dumb enough to pick. Ryan was the mastermind behind the genocidal plot to kill Baby Boomers by stripping them of their medicare, and tried to call himself an Ayn Rand worshiper while at the same time talking about how much of a Christfag he is, not realizing that Rand was a bigger atheist than Richard Dawkins who hated organized religion almost as much as she hated da gubmint.
Within 24 hours, Ryan not only flip-flopped on all of that, but made himself into Romney's bottom-bitch by saying "My positions aren't necessarily Romney's positions." He even tried to distance himself from a 'personhood' bill that would have banned all abortions, most forms of birth control, and even in-vitro fertilization that he, himself, co-sponsored with batshit insane fundie Todd Akin. In other words, because Romney's a fucking robot with literally no personality other than what his handlers program into him, he had to choose someone who actually got conservatives excited, but not before hollowing the poor fuck out and filling him with his own amorphous cancer.
Controversy
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This article needs moar controversy. You can help by adding moar controversy. |
Gay sex for White Castles
According to Canadian media sources, a homeless Vietnam veteran has come forward claiming that Mitt Romney had oral sex with him in exchange for food, blankets and ‘hugs’ in the winter of 1994. Ron Whitecastle, now 63, says that Romney ‘would show-up in the alley behind the 7-Eleven all coked-up and offer bags of hamburgers to let him suck us off. We tried to explain that Slurpees and Big-Gulps had nothing to do with sperm, but he'd fly into an autistic rage and start humping the dumpster, so we let him have his way'. Experts say that closet homosexuals often resort to acts of intimacy with strangers of poor reputation in order to exercise their sexual urges without interference with their public life. "He would ask for reciprocation but I refused," says Whitecastle. "He also liked being slapped while he was doing his thing. He really got into it." Romney campaign spokesman Ryan Williams responded to the allegations by getting up off his knees and wiping his chin. The Obama campaign has not commented.[sauce plz!?!1!]
Seamus the dog
8,999 tears were shed when it was discovered Romney traveled cross country with his Irish Setter strapped to the roof of the car, Beverly Hillbillies style. The dog apparently was so frightened, he shit all over the roof of Romney's Mormon-mobile, and the feces ran down the sides of the car and over the windows. Romney's solution? Hose the dog and car off, and strap Seamus back to the roof to finish the trip.
Abortion
In times of olde, Romney claimed to be pro-choice. Because Romney is a pussy who can't stand firm on an issue for more than a few minutes, he selected Paul Ryan as his running mate. Ryan is known for his ultra-conservative stance on abortion. Remember, a vote for Romney is also a vote for the guy who won't let your girlfriend get the parasite hoovered out of her snatch when you knock her up.
NAACP
Romney was booed when he told a room full of niggers that all niggers want "free stuff". Experts theorized that Romney thought he was at an NRA meeting, instead of NAACP. EDiots know he did it for the lulz.
Detroit
Despite saying "let Detroit go bankrupt", Romney has taken credit for the auto industry's recovery, causing the liberal media to cream their collective jeans.
47% comments
At a highbrow fundraiser, Romney accidentally revealed what his party base thinks of the poor, which isn't a shock. Brixks were shat when a waitron unit secretly recorded Romney's speech to the attendees, and released them on YouTube and to Mother Jones Magazine.
Obamacare
The United States is the only industrialized nation in the world that doesn't have some sort of national healthcare - largely due to fat people. Seeing as how Obama had to give back to the African American community and the 30 million uninsured Americans, and the thousands of college students unable to afford their current plans, he offered Obamacare. Minorities and liberals were all for this. Not surprisingly, the Conservatives didn't take this too well as some reliable sources of info believed this was a step towards Communism/Nazism. So, since Obamacare was going to keep all those damn liberals alive and establish socialized healthcare (which already existed in medicare), what better person should use this as an excuse to try and get elected? MITT ROMNEY! Nobody has ever heard of a better choice fo-... oh wait, he passed Socialized Healthcare in Massachusetts...
Well, not really. What Romney passed was the brainchild of a Jew-controlled idea-factory known as the 'Heritage Foundation,' whose answer to actual socialized medicine - pushed at the time by Hillary Clinton - was something known as the individual mandate. In other words, the government has the right to tax the living fuck out of you if you choose not to buy insurance. What this amounted to was a fuckton of new consumers - and thereby, money - for their corporate masters on Wall Street. At the time, liberals thought this was an under-the-table deal designed by Jew lobbyists, but eventually, the entire issue of healthcare reform was dropped entirely, until some nigger got elected and decided to resurrect the debate.
Because he couldn't get Republicans onboard with the idea, he opted for what is essentially Romneycare on a federal scale, something Romney actually said he'd like to see happen in an issue of the Wall Street Journal. Because of this, Romney spent the entire 2012 primaries running away from his own signature achievement as governor of Massachusetts, which he touted as his sole qualification of being president no less than four years prior. Santorum was especially hard at slamming Romney because of this, but because Romney had a bunch of rich friends with Super PACs, they were able to smear his frothy image enough for Romney to win the nomination anyway.
The Flip-Flop of the Year
After spending the entire 2012 GOP primaries running away from Romneycare and promising to repeal Obamacare, he dropped this little gem less than two weeks after the GOP primaries. Gee, I wonder why? Now that it is too late to actually do anything about it, Romney revealed where his true allegiance lies, as he no longer sees a need to hide from it. Unfortunately, the Tea Party has just learned the hard way that the establishment GOP does not fucking care about them, and will pick Wall Street over them every single time.
Health Care Rage 2.0
Now that Obamacare is technically constitutional, with the minor adjustment of a tax instead of a fine, Mitt Romney and the United Fucktards Association whined their asses off as Supreme Court Justice John Roberts switched sides and sided with the group that actually gives a fuck about the USA. Mitt Romney's response is hilarious, its something a fucking child would say:
Lets just debunk all this bullshit, shall we?
- Mitt Romney says he will destroy Obamacare on his first day in office, which is utter bullshit seeing as how it requires court orders and congress to repeal. Which is unlikely since the American government has better things to do.
- Mitt Romney states that Obamacare was bad policy, even though the same fucks who worked on his bill for his state did the same thing with Obamacare. Also, Romneycare totally isn't Obamacare 1.0.
- Romney states that Obamacare raises taxes $500 billion dollars more. Because how dare anyone make kikes pay more in taxes?
- He said Obamacare cuts medicare, another form of socialized medicine. As if more dead old people is a bad thing.
- He claims Obamacare limits religious freedom by forcing priests to pay for birth control. Slightly understandable, considering his religion routinely creates harems of 13-year-old girls whose sole purpose is to create another generation of fuckslaves for daddy.
Romney TV
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The 2012 Election
—A butthurt conservative after the election. | ||
See also
Links
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