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Russia
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RUSSIA HAS INVADED UKRAINE
   The Khanate of Russia or Tsardom of Russia is the only relevant Slavic country in the world. It was formerly a great country during the reign of the Soviet Union. It's capital is aptly named Mosque-Cow which is the base of operations for Queer Muslim Gremlins that dwell within fortress Kremlin. Mother Russia is inhabited by Communist bear-fighting drunks with Kalashnikovs for dicks and in the past for mostly mediocre-looking or even ugly mail-order brides (now they came from Ukraine and Moldova). Now Russia is like its former enemy the USA, an ultra-capitalist pseudodemocracy, the inhabitants are widely considered Euro-niggers. As part of their primitive vodka-nigger nature, they often attack other countries for the lulz because that's what freedom is all about. Also, Russia recently has become the first country that officially supports the Darfur genocide, because the people of Fur, Masalit, and Zaghawa like to refer to themselves as "God's chosen people"... and when you do so, you're basically asking for it. Geography East of our other big, inscrutable friend, China, Russia is a big, big place, only being surpassed in size by Goatse’s anus. Its location, as Sarah Palin knows, is right next to Alaska. ðe Olde History  At least 100 years ago the Kievskaya Rus' ruled the area. Contrary to popular Russian belief, it was in fact founded by some lost Vikings who were hunting for FUN FACT: The word "SLAV-E" was actually derived from the word "Slav" because "Slavs" used to be "Slav  Vladimir, I had to decide between which Kike-worshipping Religion to convert to so he stole Eastern Orthodoxy. His reasoning behind doing so was Muslims stank, were pitiful, and forbade alcohol, Jews had clearly been abandoned by their god, and Catholics were barbarians that lived in mud huts (its true). Vladimir wanted some Roman chick to be his wife. She was religious and wanted the whole country to be Jew. He said: "Fuck that(Rus')!". So he stole Eastern Orthodoxy from the Byzantines and the Orthodoxy came... In the 13th century Genghis Khan’s grandkid invaded and pwned the Kievskaya Rus'. Sweden tried to join the party, but everyone laughed at them because they hadn’t created cellular telephones yet. The Mongols controlled Russia through tribute for at least three hundred years, which is a long time. This is why all the Russian tapestries and picture books from a few centuries ago have the bad guys looking like Guy Sebastian, who all Russians think is ugly. In 1480, Ivan the Great got Moscow organized. By 1480 Western Europe was experiencing a renaissance in art and faith, while the Russians were still forced by their Tatar Overlords stretching their asses open to see how much vodka they could fill it with. Ivan I's grandson, Ivan the Terrible, got the throne when he was three, which explains a lot. He became the first Czar as a teenager and set the my-dick-is-bigger-than-yours precedent for the rest of Russian history. He also set the precedent for invading random obscure little countries, after which he finally kicked the collective Tatar ass out of Russia. Ivan the Terrible was an incredible lolcow. As an 8 year old boy, he was molested by the majority of boyars presiding under him. Ivan's included robbing his own subjects, killing animals for fun, and sitting by the fire with a nice book. When Ivan got around to settling down and marrying, he had a Mrs. Russia pageant to look for his waifu. He picked a woman who he called, My heifer. Ivan was a deeply religious man and promiscuously bisexual. He himself was the abbot of a little monastic order called the Opprichniki, which would storm churches and have torture and buttsex while preaching Christian values. Ivan the Terrible hit his son with a metal pole, which was fatal. When asked, Ivan said he "vaz chust doeengk eet for zee lulz". His next son was an idiot who got kicked out by his brother-in-law. Then Poland invaded because Russia forgot about them. Ironically, Russia has never forgotten about them since. Thus Russians can often be heard making snide remarks about Poles and partitioning them into tiny pieces with the Germans, who enjoy them in sausages. The next poor idiot to hit the Russian throne was Michael Romanov, whose descendants held onto it with an iron fist until the Gommunists shot them. The Romanov dynasty was uneventful until Peter the Great, who decided to Europeanize the Asiatic hordes of Russia and forced all the nobles to shave their beards and learn French. He also pwned the Church. Everybody hated him. His grandson was a drunk and let his wife Catherine rule the country. She was called The Great too. This is because Russian historians aren’t very imaginative. They could have called her Catherine the Slut. Anyway, she did all sorts of shit for museums and newspapers and educational stuff. Catherine died at the age of 67 while having sex with a stallion (she was crushed to death by the humongous horse-cock). Then Napoleon invaded. Russia tends to get invaded a lot. Napoleon was a crazy Frenchman who had at the time conquered most of Europe for the lulz. Alexander 1 did not share his sense of humor. Being a chickenshit he told the army to just keep retreating. This turned out to be a good idea because by the time Napoleon occupied Moscow somebody had set fire to it. Contrary to popular belief though, Napoleon was defeated during the Russian Summer, not Winter; he invented the winter story so it wouldn't be so humiliating for him. He ran away to take it in the ass at Waterloo. Rasputin was the single reason for the downfall of the Romanov dynasty. A man who would now represent a pedophiliac Baloo Bear from The Jungle Book, he made the Tsarvich's son Alexi sing "The Bear Necessities" while stroking his erect penis.  The Russian revolution shortly followed, as they were homophobes and not impressed by this PETA like behavior by the heir to the throne. It also turns out Alexi was emo and used to cut himself whilst thinking about all the times his father had ignored him over the years. Meanwhile, all the peasants were serfs and hated it, so they decided to have a Gommunist Revolution, which was never particularly communist but, to be fair, was a pretty cool revolution. Lenin was the first “communist” leader of Russia. Then he had a heart-attack from eating too many smuggled McDonald's burgers, and everything just went downhill from there. Stalin was a paranoid bitch who had all his enemies shot. Leon Trotsky, his main opposition, died mysteriously by falling brain-first onto an ICE AXE while living in Mexico City. Mexican officials were not at all suspicious. Then he had all his friends shot for good measure. Just in case he had missed someone, he starved all the Ukrainians to death. Starvation was a good idea because eventually they were going to turn into zombies 60 years after Chernobyl anyway. The The Cold WarThe Cuckold War began at Yerevan when Wilson and Churchill became jealous after overhearing Stalin and the President of Armenia comparing the size of their wangs. With Churchill and Wilson's wangs being much smaller they felt the need to overcompensate by taking over the Eastern World. Unfortunately for Stalin, people need to eat in order to work and be content. What Russia was good at was getting into missile-pissing matches with the United States and collecting third-world nations like Pokemon cards. The super holographic card of the deck was Cuba, which had a rich supply of cigars, sugar, and pork sandwiches. Soviet Russia was very different from the Western World. For example, in California, you can always find a party. In Soviet Russia, the party could always find you. In other ways, they had things in common. For example, the citizens of Soviet Russia were very hateful of Latvians.  The USA was jealous that the Soviet Union had control of Russia. To counter this, NATO installed nuclear missiles in Turkey to show Russia who was the boss. Russia attempted to place a large arsenal of nuclear weapons in Cuba, leading to the Cuban Missile Crisis. The US's naval superiority and JFK's stunning good looks quickly put Russia back in its place, safely ending the crisis. And Americans won't really buy any nuke shelters til present day... The entrance of Ronald Reagan spelled doom for Soviet Russia. With Reagan's super strength, heat vision, and with Bonzo the Supermonkey at his side, the United States would soon become the victor in the Battle of the Cocks, for America's cock was/is biggest of all (approximately the size of Japan...x2). But Reagan failed because the White American cock was to small so he decided to use black Cocks but failed again because black dicks are infact small so he used his special weapon Niggers with giant Prosthetic dicks and won the Cuckold War. Gorbachev tried to prevent the United States from conquering the USSR by implementing perestroika and glasnost. Perestroika was an economic reform which consisted of changing the Russian currency to the US dollar and hiring Donald Trump to clean up the business sector of Russia. Unfortunately for Russia, Donald Trump soon left the project in favor of cultivating Paris Hilton's career and filming reality TV shows. Glasnost was social reform. Some freedom of press was allowed, resulting in angsty teenage poetry being printed in all major newspapers in the U.S.S.R. Prohibition was also enacted since Gorbachev felt that Russians drank too much vodka, not leaving enough for his personal use. This resulted in the Great Vodka Revolt of 1985 in which 1.2 million people died.
Roll the end credits...
  In 1991, the Soviet Union fell after Gorbachev admitted to being quoll furry during a press conference with the Prime Minister of Australia. Disgusted with how godless their country had become, the Russian population revolted against the government and installed a democracy. This quickly led to a flood of Tropicana orange juice, Nike sneakers, and heroin into the country. The Russian Federation was born. In the spirit of the newfound democracy, the Russian people selected a new leader that was truly representative of the people. In that, we mean, he consumed three meals consisting entirely of Stolichnaya every day. This man's name was Boris Yeltsin. Yeltsin oversaw the country's transition from a command economy to a free-market economy, and needless to say, in his drunk hands, the experiment failed miserably. Dazed Russians who all once again found themselves in the bread line wondered what the fuck happened. Yeltsin was one of the most corrupt, unpopular failures in history, and left the country in shambles. Unsurprisingly, he was elected to a second term, nonetheless.
Russia 2: Electric BoogalooIn the mid-late nineties it was thought by western powers, that the Russian Federation was well on it's way to become a divided cesspool akin to the Balkans. It was just a matter of time before local overlords and oligarchs start carving up their own neo-feudal fiefdoms from the rotting carcass of Russia/USSR. This grim and lulzy fate was, to the joy of some and despair of others, evaded by ruskies installing a first capable leader since Stalin - Vladimir Putin, and the results were magnificent indeed. Coming from a tried-and-true KGB stock (and thus having vitally important and useful secret service support), Putin went on to bitchslap the oligarchs, the press, the military, the political parties, his pet tiger and everyone else, those who could not be bitchslapped or, God forbid, were hostile towards glorious leader, soon suffered righteous Unfortunate Accidents™, such is life in Russia. The first test of ¨Resurgent Russia¨ was the Russo-Georgian War. Georgia, the birthplace of Stalin but otherwise an unremarkable shithole, had a bunch of Russians living in the autonomous regions of Abkhazia and South Ossetia who wanted to join their beloved motherland, but the mean old Georgians wouldn't let them. Seeing this great injustice, president Putin ordered a valiant liberation campaign against clearly fascist and cannibalistic Georgans. Within 5 days the Russian troops liberated the two territories. Fast forward to 2014 and once again the new strength of Russia was made made evident for all to see. In Ukraine, a fascist coup was instigated by the west, probably in order to facilitate easier buttfucking of ukrainians by said powers. Seizing the opportunity, Russia was once again able to help out her children by  In the recent times, Russia is engaged in valiant fight against ISIS in Syria, bombing the fuck out of the towelhead goatfuckers whilst inducing massive amount of lulz from the EU/USA who constantly bitch about the violation of human rights of moderate syrian islamists. Other fun activities include: messing with the EU by slowly dismantling Ukraine, rigging the us elections and The Last Jedi's rating on Rotten Tomatoes, and causing sane people to leave the Democratic party and building a trade network known as ¨New Silk Road¨ that will make Eurasia the richest continent in the world. Fun times are to be had in the future. Government There is a government, but the Russian mafia or "Brotherhood" (in Russian Bratva/"Братва") is much more interesting and influential. The "Brotherhood" also have much, much more money than the Russian government. If you have any business in Russia (although hopefully you don't), it is much quicker to work directly with the "Brotherhood" rather than through government agencies. It's also cheaper. In Russia, one needs to know people in power to make things work. You must know someone, who knows someone in power; it is the way to have the things done in Russia. The Ruskies, or Tundra/Commie Niggers, have received a bad reputation due to the brilliant American Propaganda during the Cold War. However, Tundra Niggers made extreme advances from a backwards feudal nation to a country more expensive and less sanitary than west nearly overnight and at the cost of only 40 million slave-labourers. During WWII Stalin also managed to mortgage a lot of cannonfodder to the Americans to assrape The Brotherhood has replaced the Italian Mafia as the principle ultra-capitalist element in the United States, so Muricans can now have the convenience of working for them directly from home. You know that new skyscraper in your nearest big city? Well, they probably own that. In 2000, Tovarish Putin decided to honour   Russia's government consists of:
Government CriticsHaving your own ideas or pretending to have your own ideas about how Putin runs the Government is perfectly fine and legal, and in fact when you receive your dose of lead, or perhaps even Polonium, Mr. Putin himself will express his regrets and condolences on public television. But unfortunately the so-called "Dissidents" who are killed or survived assassinations like the mentally retarded Muslim cunt Alexander Litvinenko or the Buttbuddy of British Trump-Hater Christopher Steele Sergey Skripal are only Defectors and Double-Agents so technically the only real Oppositionists in Russia are old-fashioned Communist Dinosaurs like Gennady Zyuganov or Populist Nationalists like Alexi Navalny. Foreign Policy
Looks like somebody got Jungle Fever. MilitaryThe Red Army loves children. Epic Lulz can be gathered by mentioning this fact to Russians/and or telling them that all Russian bitches deserve to be raped as punishment.
Chronicle of the Russian army During WW2 Germany attacked Russia intending to to conquer it but got pwned by secret Russian war technique. The entire population of Russia has charged at the enemy with no weapons or equipment, the bodies of the fallen eventually stack up so high that a tower of corpses topples onto the enemy, crushing them all. After Russia regained all the territory it lost in the beginning of the war, it rained down on every other country past it's border like a giant wall of drunken rape, raping everything from: children, men, old women, old men, animals, dead bodies, retards, and the occasional woman, that would make even the sickest pervert today blush. Russia essentially is a very poor country but so are many of its neighbors which explains Russia's prolonged existence and why it isn't a nuclear crater today. Unable to produce sufficient funds to start a war leaves Russia and its neighbors at a stalemate, the only reason russia is considered a superpower and not a 3rd world shit hole is because of its huge population where it can get scientists for cheap by paying them with loaves of bread and its massive taxation all of the money which goes directly into its military and research. Russia barely hanging on to make it to super power status in reality most of their arsenal is aging and faulty. Previous Video | Next Video
Economy The Russian economy is principally organized by the Brotherhood. This is very comforting to government and business leaders in Western democracies because it's a familiar system. If you have problems with your business partners, your "brotherhood" will meet with the other guy's "brotherhood", and they will try to settle your problems through discussion. If they can't get right, they may apply to a "thief in the law" who will take a decision. There also is an official way of settling the problems through a court, but it is less effective. Many businesses prefer to employ commercial departments of police or private security companies, which in reality are just a camouflaged brotherhood aka "bratva". The accepted currency in Russia currently are the following: Russia's only technological breakthrough and main export is the Avtomat Kalashnikova, an aussalt rifle capable of killing Africans even when covered in mud. Other leading exports are cp, pirated mp3s from allofmp3.com, PC Trojans, vodka, balalaika and internet brides.
Mayonnaise is one of their largest exports as seen here in this video. The commentary alone produces much lulz. ReligionThe Glory of Putin (more like the glory of poontang, amirite?) is the official religion of Mother Russia. It's worth noting also that many are of Russian Orthodox faith. Just like in Catholicism, the priests wear funny hats, but in this instance, they are even much more funny looking. Also just like Catholicism, the nuns in this religion are all total cunts. Amirite? Though steamy hot pleasure sex with these nun-cunts are is quite hard to come by, one can solve this issue by tying them to the bed and slapping the shit out of their tits until they agree to give you the best blow job a man could possibly desire. Haha, and you didn't think such atrocities were common in mother Russia?? You silly American faggots! On Islam
It was actually ukrainians, but who gives a fuck? Only you. PeoplePrevious Video | Next Video      
Previous Quote | Next Quote The people of Russia are collectively referred to as tundra nigras, and have no real connection to ice niggers, who are full of anti-lulz. For the most part they are all robotic alcoholics, but you would be too if you lived in a country that was ruled by Dumbfucks (Yeltsin), defamed by the American Propaganda Apparatus as evil and terrorized by Muslims, amirite? Russians speak Russian (Русский язык), which is written in Cyrillic. Their ability to write a simple alphabet that differs from the Roman alphabet gives them a major superiority complex. Never mind the fact that Chinese, Japanese, and Korean are much more complicated writing systems. Their ignorance of their neighbors to the East may be the cause for this fierce sense of superiority. Most aren't willing to admit their oriental ancestry even after centuries of sino-mongol rape Russian general knowledge and 'education' is virtually nonexistent, and the majority of the populations inability to either read or write has remained essentially unchanged since the middle ages....which is understandable given that a full 80% of them spend their miserable, insignificant lives on small desolate farms surrounded by rats, lice, grain alcohol, infant skulls, and pig shit before the government every so often decides to arbitrarily 'off' them in vast numbers simply because...well...they're RUSSIAN...so why the FUCK NOT?!? The availability of food is unimportant to the Russian (which is good because they are always starving), as he can simply brew vodka in his bathtub which otherwise, judging by a typical Russian's appearance, is never used for its intended purpose anyways. Some favorite pastimes of Russians are drinking vodka, pedophilia, selling organs, buying 1980's Jordache yankee blue jeans and Adidas tracksuits on the black market, shooting people, not bathing, standing in bread lines, and killing Chechens for their delicious oils. When America does something it is usually evil; when Russia does the same thing it is glorious! Due to their god awful history and present situation, the Russian people are a hearty bunch. It is not uncommon to see roving street gangs in Moscow beating up innocent people. Do not fear though, as this is the police. The police also commonly use scare tactics such as sarin gas and other hilarious forms of lethal force. Often times little children and fat old babushkas are also tragically suffocated by this hilarious nerve agent. But as the signs say in Russia, "when shit's goin' down, get out the muthafuckin' way NIGGUH!!" It may seem a surprise, but Tundra niggers have their own niggers. These are the brother nations from Tajikistan, Uzbekistan, Azerbajan, Armenia who leave their countries because they love to work for Russian people just for "thank you's". "Thank you" is worth 1 wooden ruble and four internets. Today so many people have moved from those countries that now they actually don't exist at all. Typical place for Russian party is common area in high-rise project housing. Previous Video | Next Video
Breeding habitsRussian men express love with While it is unusual for heterosexuality to flourish in modern Russia, the occasional straight male tourist will likely be disappointed by the leg hair, mustaches, and overall stench of the women in this bizarre nation. Nowadays, one can pursue a love of the Russian people via the internet, which is just beginning to catch on and proving to be a valuable medium for the dissemination of those resilient Russian genes.
Russian spies
Russians as immigrants
Notable RussiansFucking Zangief. Previous Video | Next Video
Russians cultivate Multidrug-Ressistant Tuberculosis, mainly within prisons. Other Microbiological Cultures include B. Athracis and Ebolapox. Russian Disco
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Work of security in Russian night club. PastimesRussian Pastimes include, and are not limited to:
 Russian Roulette was invented by Stalin in an attempt to make tourists feel at home. Typically, it's like musical chairs, except with bullets. Of course it failed because no one did this at home and the Russians soon forgot about it. However Asians soon decided this is exactly the kind of thing that they want to be associated with. And began using it to try and lower their horribly large populations. Russia declined to comment. For extreme fun, make sure there are as many bullets as there are people! Weed is moar fun than a bullet to the brain. Music
Russian Rammstein.
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Sport During the Cold War, after their discovery of anabolic steroids, the Russians whupped American asses at almost all sports, until Arnie "I'll be Bach" Schwarzenegger stole the formula and in in return was made Governor of Carly-fornya. However, excessive use of these drugs made Russian men infertile, and gave the women pubes that reached almost to the floor, making the high-jump particularly hazardous, and leading to a low birth rate. Nowadays, because Russians prefer unsung feats of brutality like Head Stomping and Previous Video | Next Video Russian National Anthem
Trolling Russians Bonus: Make them queue more often afterwards  
Anon in RussiaBecause everything in Russia is so fucked up, Russian Anon community consists of all those faggots nornal Anon hates, like:
So as result, being founded on the cancer that is killing /b/, Anon lived amazing 3 years. Only good thing about whole community is their æ which is caller Lukomorie (Russsian fairy land) which name drives from Lurk moar. Unlike 2ch it's edited by real Anons and contains important knowledge on such an important topics like cam whoring, attention whoring and different Russian ways of trolling (some of which are pretty Lulzworthy) GalleryРоссия About missing Pics
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See also People
Things That Piss Russia Off
Things Russia Likes
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