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David Cameron: Difference between revisions
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Revision as of 15:27, 29 August 2011
The Right Honourable David “Just call me Dave” Cameron is the leader of the Tories (also known as the Party of Evil or Party of First Born Baby Killers) and is charged with making the Lemon Party a.k.a. Labour and Gordon Brown look like a God in comparison to his own incompetence. He has been successful in causing a double dip and appointing of Bum Nose Gideon Osborne as Chancellor.
As of May 12th, 2010, he didn't win the General election but still he became the new Prime Minister of the UK thanks to the Jews (also known as the Liberal Democrat Party). You see, he didn't have enough Parliamentary seats for a clearcut majority so he's only now living in 10 Downing Street courtesy of Nick Clegg aka Judas Iscariot, who sold his soul to the Devil for 10 pieces of silver and a blowjob from David Cameron's wife, Samantha Cameron a.k.a Horse Face. Clegg the leader of the Liberal Democrat Party who squeaked out a paltry amount of seats in the election that was enough for Clegg to play cockblocker in allowing Cameron to reign supreme. After all, why bother deciding on the future of one of the most powerful countries in the world when X Factor is coming on?
Clegg, playing Kingmaker, then went into talks with both Cameron and Gordon Brown to see which one would kiss his arse enough to form a power-sharing alliance that would enable Cameron (or Brown) semi-pwnage of the office of Prime Minister, but only on Clegg's terms. This unlikely alliance is somewhat akin to the Ralph Nader ganging up with Republicunts to form a US gummint to fuck with the Dems.
The saddest part is that the only alternative would be to let that one-eyed, Scottish idiot of an unelected scumbag dictator who deserves to die back in, either as part of the Coalition or as a single party.
Whiney Voice
Dave talks like the weasling public school boy that he is. This may possibly be is definitely a side affect from the spanking and cock sucking he was forced to participate in whilst attending senior school.
Make Your Own Dave Poster
Add yours here;
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Gettin' down wid da kidz.
Rise to power
Prior to the 2005 general erection "Dave" used to snatch children away in the night for Tory leader Count Dracula. Despite Count Dracula championing popular British issues such as crime, education, cricket and driving the independent state of Leicest India Multinationalistan (archaically known as Leicester, which is now an utter shit-hole, I know because I live there) into the sea he had an ulterior motive for becoming Prime Minister. It was his true aim to unleash the demonic powers of the Hellmouth situated under 10 Downing Street to bring about the destruction of the world. However, Tony Blair, Guardian of the Hellmouth, was able to destroy Count Dracula with help from his Slayer, Cherie Blair, and the Tories were defeated.
With a vacuum of power now at the top of the Tory Party, ambitious "Dave" was able to mount a challenge for leadership. He was originally mocked for going for the leadership with critics pointing to the lack of any political opinions of his own and having a weak, pale and flabby face, the kind you just want to punch. As the weeks passed though and potential leaders were voted out of the Big Brother house by the public, "Dave" was still hanging on. "Dave" managed to reach Week 11 and in the final defeated Enoch Powell and Geordie 70s dancer Anthony to emerge victorious. He was then, in a grand ceremony, installed with all the customary magic powers of the Tory leader by being anointed in the blood of Margaret Thatcher by Lord Voldemort. Hes fucking epic and yo know it.
A Reichstag fire for the Noughties
1. Get retarded friends in the City banks to burn down the British Economy
2. Blame the Communists, laziness, people whose "daddies didn't love them enough" and declare a state of emergency
3. Offer a thousand year Government with George Osborne doing the sums to clear up "the shambles"
4. Win the election and become Fuhrer
5. Champagne all around (except for non-Tories)
6. FTW!!!!
"Dave" is cool
"Dave" recognizes that because the British public are so inbred, mentally deficient and ignorant it doesn’t matter what policies he has and as such, he has none. What matters is that he is perceived as being cool. This theory is supported by Coolometer readings of over 9,000 MicroFonzies for Tony Blair in the run-up to the 1997 General Election, which he won in a landslide, compared to the reading of 6.4 MicroFonzies for John Major. Dave was said to have been emitting readings of around 7,500 MicroFonzies as of September 2006 showing his increasing popularity.
One of the things David Cameron has done to become cool is shorten his name from David to "Dave". This is because it takes too long to say David and if he were to waste valuable time saying this instead of the abbreviated "Dave" he would become uncool and die.
One of Britain’s most popular hobbies is binge-drinking and as such "Dave" is planning on a night out in Newquay this coming Winter where he will honor such great deceased Britons as Winston Churchill, Anne Robinson and
Isaac Newton. He will do this by consuming 13 pints of low-quality lager, taking a few E’s, hitting someone in the face with an ashtray, vomiting on to the head of a girl giving him fellatio and then to finish off, pass out in a kebab shop. The thoughts of the Queen remain to be unknown over "Dave"’s poaching of her customary Boxing Day celebrations.
Arborphilia
Also, because English people are stupid enough to believe that recycling will save the environment "Dave" used to ride a bicycle before it was stolen by a black person. He has also promised upon being elected to give trees rights just below those of men and above those of women. This all began when Dave once picked up a copy of The Observer newspaper and found out that rich, bleeding-heart liberals care about the environment. This is strange because these people have never even left London and seen grass but furthermore, why people would want to save the environment, which mercilessly kills hundreds of thousands a year, is a mystery. Many wonder why "Dave" has stuck to his commitment to saving the environment considering this stance has alienated the ex-Atlantis communities living in England who are still pissed at that bitch Mother Nature and are now abstaining at the next election by voting Lib Dem, basically saying to the world look at me I am a massive faggot. Some believe this is because "Dave" is a all round pretty cool guy and is safeguarding the environment so all those shit animals Napoleon Dynamite drew in that crappy movie can evolve into being so they can roam into Slough and kill the Islamic cancer and Indians who plague that town, it is also worth nothing the only white face in Slough you will see will be Abdule, and hes from Poland.
David Cameron on Twitter
Jewtube
"Dave"'s latest attempt at reaching the intellectual midgets that are internet users, can be seen in his highly entertaining sitcom "Webcameron". In the first episode of Webcameron he washed the dishes and talked to an imaginary child, in the second episode he again washed the dishes and then kissed a child (the child was later destroyed for copyright purposes). Webcameron is technically a pun, so its evidence (as if you needed anymore) that Dave is a fucking cool guy, capische.
OMGZ He Is Next Prime Minister??!!1
Many people believe are 100% certain that "Dave" or Nick Clegg will be the next PM. This is mainly attributed to Tony Blair having his MySpace account deleted for trolling anti-George Bush groups and because Tony’s sidekick Gordon Brown, who will fight Dave at the next election (heavily rumored to be in a Ladder match), is Scottish and a coward, also as the Christian God looked down on England after he came to power he said what a shite hole and then pissed into the Channel which flooded FUCKING EVERYWHERE. Our man Gordon sat back and ate some skittles fearing any action would offend Islam. At the 2006 Reading Festival Dave called out Gordon to a fight under Marquess of Queensbury Rules calling him, “an analogue politician in a digital world” and a “weak pussy”. Gordon didn’t show however leading Dave to further mock him on stage before giving an impromptu performance of “(Don’t Fear) The Reaper”. This was ironic though as The Reaper is what Dave fears most of all, after Xenu of course.
Despite some Tory traditionalists unhappy with "Dave"’s leadership many support him with Norman Tebbit even going as far to liken to him to Pol Pot.
Margaret Thatcher is reported to have said "He can fuck up Paddies anyday with me".
Doctor Who screwdrivers "Dave"
Outgoing Doctor Who, Doctor Who, has launched an all out attack on Mr. Cameron, made up sources revealed today[1]. The Doctor described the Fuhrer as "a massive Black Hole" and as a Jew who never "passes the Dutchie to the left hand side." He added "I sucked Dave's cock once and it tasted of fail. I'd rather be in a room full of Daleks than a room full of Dave since at least the Daleks don't claim that they are not going to exterminate you before they exterminate you." Doctor Who is over nine hundred years old.
"Dave" on Bullying
"Bullying is a form of abuse," said David "Dave" Cameron yesterday. "It comprises repeated acts over time that involves a real or perceived imbalance of power with the more powerful individual or group abusing those who are less powerful. I heartily condemn the attempts of Encyclopedia Dramatica to bully George Osborne who is merely a humble future Chancellor of the Exchequer, whilst ED is a global superpower not unlike Dr. No in my favorite James Bond movie. If anybody is going to bully Georgie, who was my fag at Eton, it's going to be me. The Conservative Party is an inclusive party, and we have plenty of room for snivling little cry babies who ring up bullying help lines when they've been shouted at for being crap."
David Cameron: National Tissue
Dave Cameron: Put Egg On Head
Controversy
- "Dave" is strongly suspected to have coked up back in his university days after dodging questions about it on television. As a rich, white, old Etonian though this shouldn’t have taken people by surprise. However, seeing as Dave was proposing a crackdown on cocaine users this angered some people. The few intelligent people in England were angered however at the general public being surprised that Dave is a cokehead or a hypocrite. Cocaine is cool anyway though, so back teh fuck off dude.
- "Dave" was a member of the controversial Bullingdon Dining Club, a group of posh elitist twats that act as the British version of the Skull and Bones society, making him in essence a more inbred, British version of George W Bush.
- Many political commentators have compared David to Tony Blair over his lack of political opinions and need to be perceived as cool. Some have gone so far as to call "Dave" a Blair clone. Well fucking done Sherlocks.
- After it was leaked to the News of the World newspaper that "Dave" once bought a copy of Hulk Hogan’s rap album Macho Man Randy Savage has targeted "Dave" for death in his vendetta against the Hulkster. Oh YEAH!
- He tries too hard to be just like your average bloke, when he's really just an emo toff
- Probably stole Gordon's glass eyeball to make him feel like a right dick at the UN.
Sam Cameron
March 2010: News has flashed across the British Empire that "Dave"'s "wife" Sam is apparently up the duff using a special man womb. "Dave" performed the insemination by cumming into Sam's mangina whilst shouting along to the collected speeches of Margaret Thatcher (available on tape cassette from Amazon). Sam has proved that "she" is not a rich bitch by speaking in Estuary English (see The Royal Family) and also by once looking in through the window of Poundstretcher. "She" will be accompanying "Dave" on campaign [2] to prove that the Tories don't hate poofs provided they dress up like Pantomime Dames and talk like Kenneth Williams.
"Dave" is no hope
The hopes of the British people have been fucked is that "Dave" goes on to cause a double dip recession. He has to deport FUCKING ALL NON EUROPEAN FUCKERS (namely the muslims, make loads of windmills so Britian can tell the French to fuck off, and not buy POWAH from them, and finally sterilize the entire population of Britian's council estates to kill off chav's.
If "Dave" fails these tasks(oops, too late), oh there will be blood, lots of blood and beer, as the entire population of Britian will decide to vote BNP and Nick Griffin.
"Dave" on Conservatism
Party political broadcasts
External links
- Proof Cameron was a member of the posh, elitist 'Bullingdon Dining Club' whilst at Oxford university