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Rush Limbaugh: Difference between revisions
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Revision as of 11:51, 16 June 2015
Rush Limbaugh III, El Rushbo, Mount Rushmore, Santa Rush or Jabba the Rush is a sweaty, wrinkled mass of neoconservativism and hate that wobbles about the human spectrum desperately searching for the first born children of liberals to feast upon. Most famous for translating Mein Kampf into English and re-titling the book as The Way Things Ought to Be, he spouts brilliantly fucktarded views to the point of lulz, insensately clogging his arteries with cholesterol and bad politics. Occasionally, Rush even attempts to be funny on his radio show and fails miserably every time, causing the resounding clasps of facepalming to echo around the world. He waddles about the Jewnited States of Americunts, shaking its very foundations with every fat ignorant step, shoving cigars into his slobbering mouth like they were the black cocks he so very craves.
History
Limbawww was a military brat and is from a family of lawyers in Missouri. In fact, he actually has relatives in the District Supreme Court of Missouri. So if you hate him and live in Missouri, or are even slightly left wing (which is unlikely seeing as the Bible-belt is populated solely by cousin-fucking fundies), then you're fucked.
After failing out of Southeast Missouri State University, the shitty backwater commuter college in his home town, he went to the Connecticut School of Broadcasting (where all radio hacks go to school when they're not good enough to go to a place like Cambridge), but he didn't even graduate, and is proud of it. Why he was anywhere near a blue state is anyone's guess. There, he joined the Republican Party and gave head to his god Ronald Reagan on a semi-regular basis.
At the end of the 1980s, he combed his Flock of Seagulls haircut, became a modern day warrior mean mean pride, and got a midday radio show. It became a rousing success, adored by conservatives and loathed by everyone else.
tl;dr:
Use this information to your advantage.
Drama
At any one time, Rush Limbaugh is carrying more illegal pills than a Columbian street pusher in Miami. In 2003, Limbaugh was revealed to be a member of an illegal prescription drug ring, from which he regularly purchased Oxycontin and Hydrocodone (tl;dr version). One man, who had partied with Rush, was recorded saying "I have never seen anyone snort, nor shove that much Oxy in their nose and ass at one time, I thought he was going to die!" In a heartfelt broadcast, he apologized to his listeners by stating he was "addicted to prescription pain medication" and that he was "no role model," despite the fact that Christianity and conservatism are supposed to be family friendly and the only true way.
He was also caught carrying a fairly sizable quantity of Viagra not prescribed to him when he returned from the Dominican Republic in mid 2006 (linkage). After getting v& for felony prescription fraud and possession of a controlled substance, he avoided the inevitable buttsecks in a Federal Penitentiary by saying he was deeply sorry and checked into rehab. Aren't those damn illegal immigrant Mexicans supposed to be the ones bringing drugs into the country, validating closing the borders?
—Rush Limbaww. So the only reason not to legalize pot is because it doesn't get you as high as vicodin or percocet. How Christian.[1] | ||
In 2009 he was hilariously made official leader of the Republican Party and Michael Steele was forced to apologize for criticizing his show and for cheating on him with Glenn Beck.
Obesity
Like most conservatards from the South, Rush Limbaugh has historically been a tremendous, morbidly obese shitbag throughout most of his adult life. There was a period of time where Limbaugh rapidly dropped a ton of weight with the help of drug abuse. During this period of being not as fat as he was before, Limbaugh snapped a shitload of photographs that he recycled on his website in order to give the illusion of sustained weight loss. However, Limbaugh is still quite fat, as has long been evidenced on current clips displayed on his daily "Dittocam". The bottom line is, Rush Limbaugh is still a Big Fat Idiot.
Conservative Values
As chief cheerleader for the shrill ultra-right wing of the Republican Party, Limbaugh walks the walk by living his life in accordance with established Republican values. When he's not giving blow jobs to George W. Bush, Rush Limbaugh leads by example with such endeavors as illegally obtaining prescription narcotics and broken dick medicine; getting married and divorced 3 times in a solemn effort to ensure triple protection for the sanctity of marriage; and flying his fat ass to the Dominican Republic for some hot 9-year-old ladyboy action, with that illegally obtained broken dick medicine after his last divorce to take advantage of that country's extremely liberal stance on prostitution. He also became deaf from having one too many cumshots land in his ear hole, and has since had a chip wired directly to Republican talking points radio wired into his skull.
Stuttering and Hearing Loss
Rush Limbaugh stutters and stammers so abundantly during his self-dubbed "Excellence in Broadcasting" radio show, that he is the highest paid drug addicted, morbidly obese, convicted criminal impotent piece of shit on record. This recent address to Congress pretty much proved that he is beyond hope.
Deeply insecure about this own peech inspediment, Rush accused beloved actor Michael J. Fox of faking his Parkinson's Disease shaky levels on TV to garner sympathy votes for a pro-stem cell research, Democratic advocate campaigning for Congress in the US 2006 mid-term elections.
After getting an earful of butthurt for this he was only slightly sorry.
Due to his massive consumption of Vicodin and Oxycontin's (he thought they were M&M's at first) he's also deaf, and can be seen with a hearing aid. This partly explains why noone can talk any sense into him. He needs a stenographer on the show to tell him what callers are saying. So how do we know if he's just a puppet of said stenographer? Who knows? He often has one-sided conversations with himself on air while pounding his desk, proving his insanity.
Friend of the lulz
Recently, this upstanding man has called for his loyal Dittoheads to infiltrate the Democratic Party and vote for noted Muslim Barack Muhammed Hussein Obama, therefore indirectly electing action hero John McClane and making the world safe for democracy. To this end, he advocates riots and arson in Denver, the city where the Democratic National Convention was held in the 2008 DNC. When asked why, he said, "I did it for the lulz."
Bring on the race war!
In the midst of an increasingly tense presidential campaign,
Rush had a few choice words to say about black people he had some black guy taking his place for him once, that's not racist, is it? (and also apparently forgot that Bill Ayers isn't black):
Cue Chocolate Rain.
HNNNNNNGGGGG
Last Thursday, Rush Limbaugh suffered a heart attack while in Hawaii. Liberals throughout the world were jubilant about the possibility of Rush's impending death. Sadly, Twittering "Rush Limbaugh is dead. TMZ to confirm in 10 minutes." will not make it become true. Like Fidel Castro and Kim Jong-il Dead, Rush is likely to live forever proving that God does not exist. Meanwhile, dittoheads were feeling butthurt over the fact that the majority of the public actually despises Limbaugh and think the world would be a better place without him. They claim that Rush never celebrated the death or illness of any liberal and compassionate conservatives such as themselves are above such things.
Rush gets Pwned
While guest hosting Wheel of Fortune 2.0, various audience member activists try to cause Rush butthurt. It begins around a minute into the video with one black person drama, which gets Rush's attention and lulz ensue. Holy shit waht! Rush is not on the radio here!
Rush Knows his Women
Late February, Rush decided to have the brilliant idea of calling a feminazi fighting for the coverage of birth control under insurance coverage a slut, prostitute, hooker for hire, and pussy peddler, and then promptly told her she should GTFO the courtrooms and get back to the kitchen. Despite the hard hitting truth that women have no business in politics, all of the advertisers of the program proceeded to drop him like the hot sack of shit he is, effectively ending his career.
Just a few of the advertising companies to drop him:
AccuQuote Life Insurance
Allstate Insurance
American Heart Association
AOL
Aquarium of the Pacific
AutoZone
Bare Escentuals
Bethesda Sedation Dentistry
Bill Kidd's Toyota-Volvo-Scion
Bonobos
Capital One
Carbonite
Cascades Dental
Citrix
Cleveland Cavaliers
Consolidated Credit
Constant Contact
Cunningham Security
Downeast Energy
Exergen
Freedom Debt Relief
Geico
Goodwill
Hadeed Carpet
Heart & Body Extract
J.C. Penney
John Deere
Legal Zoom
Matrix Direct
Netflix
Norway Savings Bank
PageOne Advertising
Philadelphia Orchestra
PolyCom
Portland Ovations
ProFlowers
Quicken Loans
Regal Assets
Reputation Rhino
RSVP Discount Beverage
Sears
Sensa
Service Magic
The Sleep Train
Sleep Number
St. Vincent’s Medical Center
Stamps.com
Tax Resolution
Thompson Creek Windows
TurboTax
Vitacost
In addition, Peter Gabriel and Rush's lawyer demanded their music quit being played on the show
See Also
- Hal Turner
- Michael J. Fox
- Sorry
- Bill O'Reilly
- Glenn Beck
- Howard Stern
- Hypocrite
- Neuticles
- Drugs
- Retards
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Rush Limbaugh is part of a series on Visit the Trolls Portal for complete coverage. |
| Featured article March 12 and 13, 2012 | ||
| Preceded by Joseph Kony |
Rush Limbaugh | Succeeded by My Little Pony |