EXTREME ANIMALS
HI BILLY MAYS HERE TO TELL YOU ABOUT AN EXCITING OFFER THAT WILL BLOW YOUR FUCKING MIND FROM THE MAKERS OF SHAMWOW AND THE PEOPLE BEHIND EXTREME ADVERTISING COMES EXTREME ANIMALS YOU RECEIVE 6 COUNT EM 7 EXTREME FUCKING ANIMALS THAT'S RIGHT 8 EXTREME MOTHERFUCKING ANIMALS 9 BUT WAIT THERE'S MORE CALL NOW AND RECEIVE BONUS SECTIONS SUCH AS TABLE OF CONTENTS AND SEE ALSO HOLY SHIT THIS IS AWESOME CALL NOW OPERATORS ARE STANDING BY!!!!!!!! AND YEAH, THIS ENTIRE FUCKING ARTICLE IS IN FUCKING ALL CAPS! DON'T LIKE IT? TOO FUCKING BAD.
EXTREME MAMMALS
HIPPO
SORRY TO CRASH THIS GIRL SCOUT'S PET PARTY, BUT I JUST HAD TO DROP BY TO PAY HOMAGE TO THE TRUE KING OF THE JUNGLE, THE HIPPOPOTAMUS. HIPPO IS A GREEK WORD, AND WHILE THE ENGLISH LANGUAGE LACKS THE VOCABULARY FOR AN ACCURATE TRANSLATION, IT IS LOOSELY DEFINED AS "THAT WHICH DEFILES THE SACRED EARTH". THESE MOTHERFUCKERS ARE RESPONSIBLE FOR FUCKING UP THE SHIT OF MORE PEOPLE EVERY YEAR THAN EVEN LIONS. MOSQUITOES DON'T COUNT BECAUSE AFRICANS GET SICK FROM THE DISEASES THEY CARRY. NOT EVEN A CAR WILL SAVE YOUR SORRY ASS FROM A PISSED-OFF HIPPO.
THESE MOTHERFUCKERS WEIGH UP TO 4 TONS (THAT'S 2 HUMMERS BITCH). THEY ARE VESSELS FOR A RAGE SO STRONG, THAT IF THE AFRICANS SOMEHOW FOUND A WAY TO UTILIZE THEM AS A MOUNT WE'D ALL BE SPEAKING ZIMBABWEAN. WHEN A HIPPO EJACULATES, IT CAN FILL A PINT GLASS. THEY'VE GOT FUCKING HUGE TEETH BIGGER THAN BANANAS, AND A BITE FORCE THAT WOULD HAVE NO TROUBLE BREAKING EVERY PUSSY-ASS BONE IN YOUR BODY. SURE THEY MAY LOOK LIKE IDIOTIC FATASS HERBIVORES, BUT WHEN YOU PISS ONE OFF, YOU'RE FUCKED.
THAT'S NOT ALL MOTHERFUCKERS I LEFT THE BEST PART FOR LAST. HIPPOS CONSTANTLY PARTAKE IN AN EXERCISE CALLED 'DUNG SHOWERING'. THIS PRETTY MUCH CONSISTS OF THEM BLOWING AS MUCH SHIT AND PISS INTO THEIR RIVALS FACES AS POSSIBLE TO SHOW EM WHO'S BOSS. FOR ADDED EFFECT THEY SPIN THEIR TAIL LIKE A PROPELLER DURING THIS SHAMEFUL SHOWER, TO INCREASE THE CONE OF FIRE.
TASMANIAN DEVIL
YOU MOTHERFUCKING COCKSHITS HAVEN'T SEEN A GODDAMN THING YET. THIS IS A BALL-CRUSHING TASMANIAN DEVIL YOU FUCKS AND HE WILL FUCK YOUR SHIT UP. YOU SEE THOSE TEETH? THAT FUCKING JAW? IT WILL BREAK YOUR FUCKING BONY ARMS YOU PIECE OF SHIT. AND LOOK AT THOSE FUCKING TESTICLES GODDAMN. HE'S GOT BIGGER FUCKING BALLS THAN YOU DO AND FOR GOOD REASON TOO.
WHEN THIS SCARY FUCK GETS HORNY HIS EARS GLOW BRIGHT FUCKING RED AND HE RAPES YOU WITH HIS THRUSTING BEAR-CAT MANHOOD, BECAUSE HE LOOKS LIKE A TINY BEAR MIXED WITH A CAT, AND THAT IS THE MEANEST ANIMAL MIXTURE EVER, BEAR FOR FUCKING STRENGTH, AND CAT FOR FUCKING MEAN!!! MOTHERFUCKER.
AND DON'T MAKE THIS CUNT ANGRY, BECAUSE BEFORE YOU CAN MAKE A HULK REFERENCE, HE WOULD ALREADY HAVE DROWNED OUT ALL OTHER NOISE THAN HIS TERRIBLE SHRIEKING AND THE FACT THAT HE'S MADE THE WHOLE FUCKING PLACE SMELL LIKE DEATH. THAT'S RIGHT, THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS A GODDAMN SATAN AND HE WANTS YOU TO FUCKING KNOW IT. JUST TRY SOMETHING, HE'LL FUCKING KILL YOU.
WOLVERINE
HOLY FUCKING MONKEY BALL SHIT, REMEMBER THE X-MEN CHARACTER OF THE SAME NAME? THAT PANSY ASS FAGGOT HAS NOTHING ON THE MOTHERFUCKING ANIMAL HE'S NAMED AFTER.
THIS FUCKER ACTS ALL SWEET AND INNOCENT LIKE THE SNEAKY BADASS IT IS, WONDERING THE FOREST LIKE IT'S PREY, BUT PISS IT OFF AND IT WILL GO INTO AN UNHOLY GOD-FUCKING RAGE THAT WILL CAUSE IT TO ATTACK AND KILL ANYTHING. THIS ISN'T LIMITED TO YOU, YOU WEAK COCK-SUCKING PIECE OF SHIT, WHEN THIS ANIMAL GOES INTO A RAGE, IT CAN AND WILL EAT RODENTS, DEER, FOXES, OX, WOLVES AND BEARS.
THAT'S RIGHT. MOTHERFUCKING BEARS. IT LEAPS ONTO THEIR FAT ASSES AND TEARS OUT THEIR SPINES, THEN PROCEEDS TO DEVOUR THEM AS THEY HELPLESSLY SQUIRM TO ESCAPE LIKE THE PUSSIES THEY REALLY ARE.
HAMSTER
FUCK YOU FAGGOTS, YOU WON'T EVEN BE ABLE TO SIT DOWN FROM ALL THE BRICKS YOU'RE ABOUT TO SHIT AFTER SEEING THIS CRAZY MOTHER FUCKER. THIS BITCH IS TINY AS HELL SO YOU CAN'T SEE WHERE THE FUCK HE'S GONNA BE, PROBABLY UP YOUR FUCKING ASS.
HE HAS THESE FUCKING THINGS ON HIS BACK THAT CAN PROBABLY RIP THE SHIT OUT OF YOUR FURNITURE, MOTHER FUCKER IS INSANE WITH THAT, DON'T EVEN GET ME STARTED ON THIS BITCHS' ATTITUDE, THIS FUCKING LITTLE SPAWN OF SATAN WILL SHIT EVERYWHERE AND HE WILL MAKE YOU CLEAN HIS SHIT WITH YOUR DICK, YOU PATHETIC MOTHERFUCKER, YOU ARE THIS TINY ANIMAL'S BITCH, YOU DON'T OWN HIM, HE OWNS YOU AND YOUR FAMILY AND SHITS DOWN YOUR NECK WHENEVER HE FUCKEN FEELS LIKE IT!
AND DON'T GET ME STARTED ON THOSE FUCKING EYES, JESUS CHRIST ITS LIKE YOU'RE STARING INTO TWO TINY BLACK HOLES OF DESPAIR, MOTHERFUCKER, WE'RE TALKING ENDLESS POOLS OF FUCKING NOTHING. THAT'S HOW HARDCORE HE IS.
THIS LITTLE FUCKSTICK WILL EAT EVERY VEGGIE IN YOUR DAMN REFRIGERATOR. EVEN THE CUCUMBER YOUR MOM SHOVED UP HER PUSSY BECAUSE YOUR DICK WAS SO SMALL, IT DIDN'T SATISFY HER. FUCK YEAH.
FUCK, THIS IS AWESOME.
ASIAN ELEPHANT
ALRIGHT COCKSUCKING FUCKFACED MOTHERFUCKERS, FACE THE MOTHERFUCKING ELEPHANT. YOUR PANSY CANDY-ASS MAY HAVE SEEN HIM PERFORMING TRICKS AT A GOD DAMN CIRCUS BUT THAT SHOW COULD NOT BE FARTHER FROM THE TRUTH! THESE HARD BASTARDS ARE UP TO 12 FEET TALL AND WEIGH OVER 10,000 POUNDS. NOT ONLY THAT, BUT IT'S FUCKING TUSKS CAN BE UP TO 6 FEET LONG! IT COULD TURN YOU INTO A FUCKING MEAT-SKEWER IF IT WANTED TO! AND SOMETIMES, IT WILL!
ONCE IN EVERY MANLY ROGUE ELEPHANT'S LIFETIME, HIS LEVELS OF AWESOME AND TESTOSTERONE BECOME SO OVERWHELMINGLY INSANE THAT HE SWEATS MOTHERFUCKING TESTOSTERONE BITCH. HE WILL GO ON A FUCKING RAMPAGE AND GET REVENGE ON EVERY HUMAN HE COMES IN CONTACT WITH AND EVERY RINGMASTER AND ZOOKEEPER IN THE AREA SHITS THEIR PANTS AND CRIES LIKE THE PUSSY BITCHES THEY REALLY ARE. THEY LEVEL WHOLE FUCKING VILLAGES SINGLEHANDEDLY WITH THEIR GIGANTIC, BUTT-FUCKING TUSKS AND HUGE, HEAD-CRUSHING FEET, TRULY OWNING ANY DUMBFUCK PUNJAB THAT GETS IN THEIR WAY. THEY'RE EVEN KNOWN TO FUCKING KILL MOTHER FUCKING RHINOS AND SHIT. HOLY FUCK.
SO IF YOUR WIDE ASS EVER HAPPENS TO PISS OFF AN ELEPHANT, JUST BITE YOUR FUCKING TONGUE OUT AND DROWN TO DEATH IN YOUR OWN BLOOD BEFORE THEY FUCK YOU UP BY THROWING YOU AROUND AND STAMPING ON YOUR HEAD!
PRESA CANARIO
WHOA.
BACK THE FUCK UP.
THIS DOG IS -THE- DEATH MACHINE. IT WAS BRED TO FIGHT CATTLE AND BULLS. LET'S COMPARE, SO YOUR PUNY FUCKING MIND CAN GRASP JUST HOW REALLY FUCKED YOU ARE, IDIOT.
PRESA CANARIO WEIGHS AT MAX 100 LBS.
A BULL WEIGHS (ON AVERAGE)1600 LBS.
DO YOU UNDERSTAND WHAT THAT MEANS, YOU DUMB MOTHERFUCKING SHITBREATHING CUNT?
IT MEANS THAT THE PRESA CANARIO, WHILE ONLY WEIGHING A FRACTION OF A COW CAN TAKE IT AND MAKE IT HIS BITCH. WHAT DO YOU THINK YOU, A PUNY 130 LBS MAN CAN DO AGAINST SO MUCH ASS KICK PACKED INTO A TINY, EXPLOSIVE PACKAGE?
NOTHING. THIS DOG WILL RUIN YOUR LIFE SO HARD THAT YOUR CHILDREN WILL KNOW TO FEAR HIM. HE'LL TAKE YOUR SANDWICH, RAPE YOUR GIRLFRIEND, THEN HAVE CONSENTUAL SEX WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND BECAUSE HE HAS A BIGGER COCK THAT YOU'LL EVER HAVE. YOUR GIRLFRIEND WILL LAUGH AT YOUR TINY BABY PENIS WHILE SHE SLURPS AND GIVES HEAD TO WHAT USED TO BE YOUR DOG BUT IS NOW YOUR MASTER.
FUCK YOU. YOU SUCK. PRESA CANARIO PROVES IT. BOW THE FUCK DOWN.
EXTREME SCALEY MOTHERFUCKERS
CROCODILE
THIS.
YOU SEE THIS MOTHERFUCKER?
GOOD, YOU GODDAMN BETTER, BECAUSE HE SEES YOU, BITCH.
YOU THINK THIS IS SOME PANSY-ASS ALLIGATOR? THOSE PUSSIES ARE PLACID, INOFFENSIVE CROCHETING FAGS.
THIS IS A FUCKING FULL GROWN NAME-TAKING, SHARK EATING, ASS RAPING SALTWATER CROCODILE. YOU BEST GET ON YOUR KNEES IN FRONT OF THIS MOTHERFUCKER, YOU WORTHLESS PIECE OF SHIT, HE'S A GODDAMN LIVING DINOSAUR. ALL THOSE OTHER DINOSAURS?
DEAD.
T. REX?
DEAD.
MOTHERFUCKING BRACHIOSAURUS?
DEADER THAN YOUR SEX LIFE, YOU SAD FAT SACK OF FUCKING CRUSTY SHIT. BUT THIS MOTHERFUCKER'S STILL ALIVE, STILL EATING WHAT AND WHOEVER THE FUCK HE WANTS. HE DIDN'T EVEN HAVE TO CHANGE HIS EVOLUTIONARY CHARACTERISTICS TO ADAPT TO CHANGING CLIMATES, CHANGING TIMES...HELL, A WHOLE CHANGING WORLD! EXCEPT FOR SIZE, CROCODILES USED TO GET UP TO 100 FEET LONG, BUT THE CROC WAS SO BADASS THAT NATURE TOLD IT TO TONE IT THE FUCK DOWN AND SHRUNK IT'S ASS DOWN. HE WAS BORN BADASS, AND BADASS HE'LL STAY. YOU BEST RECOGNIZE HIS BADASSERY, YOU LIMP-WRISTED GUTTER TRASH SHITPILES.
BASILISK
ALL RIGHT DICK BREATH, YOU THINK YOU'RE THE KING OF TURD MOUNTAIN EH? YOU THINK A LITTLE LIZARD LIKE THIS IS NO BIG DEAL EH? WELL YOU'RE FUCKING WRONG! MEET THE MOTHERFUCKING BASILISK. YOU THINK THE FLASH IS FAST? WELL YOU DON'T KNOW FUCKING SHIT! THIS LITTLE BASTARD CAN RUN QUICKER THAN YOU CAN START PISSING YOUR PANTS WHEN YOU REALIZE HOW PATHETIC YOU ARE! HIS CAMOUFLAGE IS SO GOOD THAT BY THE TIME YOU SPOT HIM, IT'S TOO FUCKING LATE! HE'LL BE ON YOUR ASS WITH HIS RAZOR SHARP CLAWS, TEARING YOU A NEW ASSHOLE!
BUT THAT'S NOT WHAT'S SO BUTTFUCKINGLY AWESOME ABOUT HIM.
HE CAN RUN ON FUCKING WATER!
THOUGHT YOU WERE SAFE ON LAND? WRONG! THOUGHT YOU WERE SAFE IN A BOAT? WRONG AGAIN PUSSY! THIS BASTARD IS THE JESUS OF LIZARDS! WHERE'S YOUR GOD NOW?
PIRANHA
HOLY MOTHERFUCKING ASS-TEARING DONKEY SHIT LOOK AT THOSE MOTHERFUCKING TEETH. THIS FUCKER MIGHT LOOK LIKE A FISH BUT HE'LL RIP YOU APART LIKE A FUCKING SHARK. THIS IS NO FINDING NEMO BULLSHIT, THIS BADASS WILL FIND YOU, RIP YOU APART AND SWIM AROUND IN YOUR WARM STICKY BLOOD LAUGHING HIS TAIL OFF AT YOUR PATHETIC ASS YOU PIECE OF SHIT. PIRANHA MEANS FISH DEVIL AND YOU BETTER FUCKING BELIEVE HE KNOWS IT.
THIS GUY COULD SWIM RIGHT INTO YOUR WATER SUPPLY, UP YOUR TOILET AND RIP YOUR FUCKING COCK OFF IN ONE BITE. YOU'RE FULL OF SHIT NOW BUT NOT FOR LONG WHEN THIS MOTHERFUCKER RIPS OUT YOUR INTESTINES FAGGOT.
THESE MOTHERFUCKERS ARE FROM THE AMAZONS, THAT MEANS THEY FEED OFF THE BLOOD OF TALL JUNGLE BITCHES WHO ARE TWICE THE MAN YOU'LL EVER BE AND THESE FISH ARE 100 TIMES THE MAN YOU'LL EVER BE FAGGOT. JUST FUCKING KILL YOURSELF YOU WORTHLESS PIECE OF SHIT, WHAT THE FUCK CAN YOU DO AGAINST THIS HELLSPAWN?! NOTHING.
NOT TO BE FUCKING CONFUSED WITH FUCK YEAH, SEAKING. THEY'RE TWO DIFFERENT FUCKING THINGS. DUMBASS.
ALLIGATOR GAR
SO YOU THINK YOU KNOW THE MEANING OF BRUTALITY? THINK AGAIN. YOU MOTHERFUCKERS AIN'T NEVER SEEN NOTHING TO MATCH THE SHEER BADASSERY OF THIS CUNT HERE, THE ALLIGATOR GAR. IF THE ALLIGATOR GAR WERE A MAN HE'D OOZE TESTOSTERONE LIKE EVERY WOMAN HE WALKS PAST OOZES PUSSY JUICES IN PREPARATION FOR THE ASSAULT WITH HIS GARGANTUAN BATTERING RAM THAT BITCH IS ABOUT TO RECEIVE. HE'D FUCK YOUR GRANDMOTHER IN HER WITHERED ASSHOLE AND PULL OUT FOR A MONEY SHOT BEFORE TEARING THAT BITCH'S EYES OUT OF HER LEATHERY SPERM RECEPTACLE AND PUNCHING HER IN THE THROAT WITH HIS DICK AND TEARING OUT A NEW PASSAGE FOR HIS GLORIOUS SEED.
LOOK AT THOSE FUCKING JAWS MAN, LOOK AT THEM. OH THAT'S RIGHT YOU CAN'T LOOK AT THEM BECAUSE YOU'RE A PUSSY AND YOU'RE TOO SCARED TO LOOK UPON THE FACE OF SUCH A FUCKING BADASS MOTHERFUCKER. THE ALLIGATOR GAR IS UGLY BECAUSE HE DOESN'T NEED TO BOTHER WITH NONE OF THAT SISSY METROSEXUAL HOMO BULLSHIT TO SPREAD HIS SEED, NO, HE TAKES WHAT IS RIGHTFULLY HIS BY FORCE AND DOESN'T FUCKING APOLOGIZE FOR IT LIKE YOU PATHETIC PUSSYWHIPPED CUNTS. THE ALLIGATOR GAR CAN REACH THE SAME WEIGHT AS YOU PATHETIC BEER GUZZLING WOW PLAYING VIRGIN SHITHEADS IN PURE, LEAN MUSCLE AND Y CHROMOSOMES. YOU TRY AND PULL THIS FUCKER OUT OF THE WATER AND FIGHT HIM MAN TO MAN AND HE'LL FIGHT BACK-FOR A WHOLE TWO FUCKING HOURS OUTSIDE THE WATER. HOW LONG CAN YOU HOLD YOUR BREATH FOR, YOU PATHETIC MEATSACK? YOU SHITCOCKS CAN'T EVEN BEND OVER WITHOUT BREAKING A SWEAT.
LOOK UPON THE GAR AND YOU LOOK UPON THE PINNACLE OF MASCULINITY. BEST OF ALL, THIS GUY IS A LIVING FOSSIL SO HE'S BEEN DOING THIS SHIT SINCE THE DINOSAURS. THIS GUY SHITS ON YOUR GRANDPA.
CANDIRU
SHIT GOD DAMN. THE ALLIGATOR GAR MAY BE THE FUCKING PIMP MASTER OF FISH, BUT THIS MOTHERFUCKER DOESN’T EVEN NEED A DICK BECAUSE HE’S GOING TO TAKE YOURS. YOU THINK YOU CAN EVEN WADE IN THE WATER? WELL, YOU CAN, IF YOU DON’T PLAN ON PISSING OR MASTURBATING EVER AGAIN. AS SOON AS YOUR TINY ERASER DICK HITS THE WATER, THIS SLENDER FUCKING NINJA SWIMS UP YOUR PEE HOLE, AND YOU CAN’T PULL HIM OUT BECAUSE HE HAS BACKWARD POINTING SPINES ON HIS GOD DAMNED HEAD. HE’S LODGED IN YOUR GAY LITTLE COCK AND YOU CAN’T DO FUCKING SHIT TO HIM. THE ONLY SOLUTION IS TO CUT OFF YOUR DICK. THEN YOU CRAWL ON THE BANK AND KILL YOURSELF RATHER THAN LIVE AS A PATHETIC DICKLESS FREAK, AND MEANWHILE THE CANDIRU WRIGGLES FREE AND SWIMS OFF. YOU’RE LAYING THERE BEING EATEN BY BUGS AND JAGUARS, AND THIS DICK-RAPING PIECE OF AWESOME IS SWIMMING UP THE CUNT OF SOME AMAZON WITH A MOUTHFUL OF YOUR JIZZ. THAT’S RIGHT FAGGOT: THIS FISH IS A BI MOTHERFUCKER! HE DOESN’T GIVE A SHIT ABOUT ORIENTATION, HE’LL DESTROY ANY GENITALS HE CAN FIND WHICH IS MORE THAN YOUR DEAD ASS EVER HOPED FOR. ONE OF YOUR LIMP FUCKING SPERMS MANAGES TO SPAWN SOMEHOW, AND 9 MONTHS LATER WHEN SHE SHITS OUT YOUR OFFSPRING IN HER HUT, THE WITCH DOCTOR TAKES ONE LOOK AND SAYS “BITCH YOUR KID IS A PATHETIC FUCKING PUSSY. JUST DROWN IT.” NOW DON’T YOU WISH YOU’D NEVER EVEN GONE OUTSIDE?
TRIGGERFISH
HOLY MOTHERFUCKING TESTICLE CRACKING SHIT. THIS SON OF A BITCH IS A REAL EXTREME MOTHERFUCKER. HE FUCKING OWNS THE REEFS WITH AND IRON TEETH AND AN IRON DICK. TOO FUCKING EXTREME TO HAVE A PICTURE ON ED, THIS FUCKING FISH IS YOUR WORST NIGHTMARE. IF YOU SWIM ANYWHERE NEAR THIS FUCKER'S WAIFU'S EGGS HE WILL JUST
FUCK
YOUR
SHIT
UP.
NEVER THOUGHT A FISH COULD FUCKING MAKE YOU HIS BITCH AND LAUGH AT YOUR SORRY PANSY ASS WHILE YOU BLEED TO DEATH? WELL FUCK YOU AT 10:31 YOU NIGGER YOU ARE SO WRONG. FUCKING SWIM NEAR HIS HUGE (IMPOSSIBLE TO AVOID) TERRITORY AND HE WILL FUCKING TEAR OFF AND EAT YOUR BALLS FOR DINNER, RAPE YOU IN THE FACE, AND TEAR OFF YOUR HAND AND RAPE THAT AS WELL, AND HE WILL LAUGH WHEN YOU TRY TO FAP TO AZN PORN BUT CAN'T BECAUSE YOU'RE HAND IS GETTING GANG RAPED BY SHARKS AND YOU GOT FUCKING CASTRATED BY A FISH. THIS THING WILL FUCK UP YOUR AQUARIUM AND AFTER HE RAIPS AND KILLS YOUR GOLDFISH HE WILL MAKE YOU SUCK HIS 12 INCH DICK AND THEN SLAP YOU WITH IT.
THIS BITCH BADASS PILE OF DICKFUCK BITCHTITS IS JUST PLAYING NICE. HE WILL JUST RAPE YOU AND YOU FAMILY AND THERE IS NO WAY YOU CAN ESCAPE IT YOU FUCK HOLY SHIT!
FUCKING BUGS AND SHIT
PISTOL SHRIMP
JUST BECAUSE YOU CARRY YOUR HAND GUN IN YOUR POCKET TO HIDE YOUR SMALL DICK YOU THINK YOU'RE TOUGH? FUCK NO PUSSY, THIS MOTHERFUCKER HAS TWO GUNS CALLED HIS LEFT AND RIGHT CLAWS BITCH! WHEN THIS MOTHER FUCKER IS GONNA KICK ASS AND TAKE NAMES HE FLICKS HIS CLAWS TO MAKE A BUBBLE BIGGER THEN YOUR PUNY TESTICLES THEN HE FIRES IT LIKE A NAZI FIRING SQUAD SHOOTING SOME JEWS IN THE FORM OF FUCKING SOUND. THIS FUCKER HAS ENOUGH WHOOP-ASS IN A SINGLE CLAW THAT HE CAN KILL A FISH IN ONE HIT, THEN PROCEED TO EAT THE REWARD OF TAKING A LIFE WITH THE FLICK OF A HAND. HE CAN TAKE A FUCKING LIFE BY JUST FLICKING A HAND. A HAND. AND IF YOUR VAGINA IS STILL BLEEDING FROM READING THAT SHIT, WELL PREPARE TO GET A TAMPON BECAUSE THIS MOTHER FUCKER CAN SHATTER GLASS WITH HIS WEAPONS OF MASS AWESOME.
IF YOU THINK YOU THINK YOUR WORTHLESS LIFE IS STILL SAFE, NIGGA PLEASE! AS THIS MOTHERFUCKER COLLAPSES THE BUBBLE THE LIGHT TEMPERATURE OF BUBBLE REACHES 5,000 DEGREES KELVIN! IF YOUR DUMBASS DOESN'T KNOW THE TEMPERATURE OF THE SURFACE OF THE SUN IS 5,800 DEGREES KELVIN.
THIS BITCH HAS THE POWER OF THE SUN IN THE PALM OF HIS CLAWS.
THE FUCKING SUN
THE SUN
THAT'S RIGHT BITCH THE ESS.YUUU.ENNNNN.
MANTIS SHRIMP
I'M SORRY PUSSIES, PLEASE PACK UP YOUR VAGINAS AND TAMPONS AND GET THE FUCK OUT BECAUSE A REAL MAN IS HERE TO FUCK YOUR SHIT UP.
MANTIS SHRIMP. HE IS NOT A MANTIS. HE IS NOT A SHRIMP. DOES HE GIVE A FUCK? FUCK NO. FUCK YOU TOO. HE JUST DOES NOT GIVE A FUCK AND HE HAS AN AWESOME NAME LIKE MANTIS SHRIMP BECAUSE HE'S FUCKING ALLOWED TO CALL HIMSELF WHATEVER HE WANTS AND THIS IS WHY:
HE HAS THE BEST FUCKING VISION ON THE PLANET. YOU PUNY HUMANS WITH YOUR SIMPLE BINOCULAR VISION THAT CAN DETECT ONLY VISIBLE LIGHT AIN'T GOT SHIT ON HIS EYEBALLS WHICH EACH HAVE INDEPENDENT DEPTH PERCEPTION THAT BEATS THE SHIT OUT OF BOTH YOUR EYES AND RETINAS THAT CAN DETECT MORE VISIBLE COLORS THAN YOU IN ADDITION TO SEEING SOME INFRARED AND ULTRAVIOLET BECAUSE WHY THE FUCKING HELL NOT?
THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS SMART AS HELL, TOO. HE CAN RECOGNIZE HIS FELLOW MANTIS SHRIMPS BY SCENT AND SIGHT AND CAN CREATE FLUORESCENT PATTERNS TO COMMUNICATE WITH THEM AND EVEN REMEMBER NEW ONES. HE FIGHTS LIKE A MAN, LAYING DOWN GROUND RULES FOR RITUALIZED COMBAT FOR MATING AND TERRITORY PURPOSES.
AND YOU DO NOT WANT TO PISS THIS MOTHERFUCKER OFF BECAUSE HE HAS A PUNCH LIKE A GODDAMN BULLET GOING INTO YOUR NUTS. THINK FALCON PUNCH ONLY OVER 9000 TIMES STRONGER. YEAH, THAT'S RIGHT. HE WILL MAKE BUBBLES THAT EXPLODE LIKE A GODDAMN NUKE AND FUCK YOUR SHIT UP JUST BY PUNCHING YOU IN THE GODDAMN NECK. HE'S KINDA LIKE THE PISTOL SHRIMP EXCEPT WAY MORE BAD ASS YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN? NO? THEN FUCK YOU.
OH, AND JUST BECAUSE YOU SEE ONE IN A TANK, DON'T THINK YOU'RE SAFE SHIT-SACK BECAUSE THIS BITCH CAN PUNCH HIS WAY OUT OF A GLASS AQUARIUM. LET ME SAY THAT SHIT AGAIN IN CASE YOUR MIND WAS TOO FUCKED UP FROM ALL THE AWESOME.
THIS SHRIMP CAN PUNCH THROUGH SOLID GLASS AQUARIUMS.
BE THANKFUL THAT THIS MOTHERFUCKER CAN'T FLY OR DRIVE A TANK OR SOME SHIT BECAUSE YOU WOULD NOT CALL HIM A MANTIS SHRIMP THEN, YOU WOULD CALL HIM SIR AND GET HIM WHATEVER THE FUCK HE WANTS.
GIANT ISOPOD
GENTLEMEN BEHOLD, I GIVE YOU THE FINEST OF ABYSMAL FUCKWIN AWESOMENESS.
THIS FUCKER RIGHT HERE IS THE MOTHERFUCKING GIANT ISOPOD. IT'S GOT ENOUGH CLAWS TO RIP OUT BOTH YOUR THROAT AND YOUR LOWER INTESTINE. IT IS A FUCKING SIXTEEN INCHES WHEN ADULT.
SIXTEEN MOTHERFUCKING INCHES, HOLY DICK.
IT WON'T JUST RAPE YOUR MOTHER, IT'LL BITE OFF YOUR MEAT-STICK WITH ITS FUCKING MULTI-KNIFE MANDIBLES.
ITS YOUNG EVEN HIDE ON FISH DICKS, SO WHEN ANOTHER FISH DECIDES TO GIVE ANOTHER FISH A BLOWJOB, IT RUNS INTO THE OTHER FISH'S MOUTH, EATS ITS TONGUE, THEN TAKES ITS PLACE.
THE FISH DOESN'T KNOW JACK SHIT.
THIS FUCKING AWESOME PIECE OF SHIT WILL RIP YOU A FUCKING NEW ONE.
TARDIGRADE
YOU THINK THOSE FUCKERS ARE TOUGH? WELL YOU HAVEN'T SEEN A REAL BAD MOTHERFUCKER YET SO HERE HE IS.
THIS IS A GODDAMN TARDIGRADE. COMMONLY KNOWN AS WATER BEAR. THE FUCKER IS ONLY 1.5mm LONG AT MAXIMUM, BUT HE'S SO GODDAMN TOUGH THEY CALL HIM BEAR. BECAUSE NOTHING ELSE COMES CLOSE AND EVEN YOU RETARDS HAVE TO UNDERSTAND WHAT WE'RE TALKING ABOUT.
150 C° TEMPERATURE? NO PROBLEM. 1,000 TIMES MORE RADIATION THAN ANY OTHER ANIMAL ON EARTH? NO PROBLEM. MOTHERFUCKING VACUUM OF SPACE? NO GOD DAMN PROBLEM. DICKHEAD.
THIS MOTHERFUCKER LIVES WHERE HE WANTS AND DON'T AFRAID OF NOTHING. HE'S SO FUCKING COOL, HE CAN "DIE" AND COME BACK TO LIFE WHEN YOU ADD OLD FUCKING FASHION H20! FUCK YOU MAN, HE HAD A SIP, LIKE, A DECADE AGO, SO HE DOESN'T NEED YOUR DAMN WATER!
BOMBARDIER BEETLE
FUCK YOU AND YOUR PUSSY CLAWS AND TEETH. A REAL EXTREME TO TEH MAX ANIMAL USES SCIENCE AND SHIT TO FUCKING TELL ALL YOU BITCHES WHO'S BOSS! THIS ANIMAL SHOOTS BOILING CHEMICALS OUT OF ITS ASSHOLE SO HOT THAT EVEN NIGERIAN-NIGGERS BOIL IN THE RAIN OF DEATH AND FUCKEN AWESOMENESS THAT BLOWS OUT OF THIS MOTHERFUCKER'S ASS SO FAST THAT YOU DON'T EVEN HAVE TIME TO PUT YOUR DICK BACK IN YOUR PANTS. ITS THE ONLY ANIMAL THAT SHiTS ALL OVER YOU WHILE IT KILLS YOU, WHICH IS THE DEATH YOU DESERVE YOU MONKEY-FUCKING CUM-GUZZLING MOTHERFUCKER! AND YOU KNOW WHAT IT SHITS?! IT SHITS ROCKET FUEL. GODDAMN MOTHER RAPING ROCKET FUEL. THERE ARE MORE THAN 500 DIFFERENT SPECIES OF THESE STONE COLD KILLERS, SO WATCH YOURSELF BITCHES OR FEEL THE WRATH OF BOMBARDIER SPOOGE THE PATHETIC LIFE RIGHT OUT OF YOU. FUCK. YOU SHOULD JUST KILL YOURSELF NOW AND GET IT OVER WITH.
WASP
FUCK YOU ANONYMOUS AND YOUR PUSSY RAIDS. WHO NEEDS TO BUY A DOG WHEN WASPS ARE IMMUNE TO RAIDS?
NOT ANIMALS BUT STILL EXTREME AS FUCK
A EUKARYOTE APPEARS
WHAT THE FUCK AM I LOOKING AT? DIATOMS ARE UNICELLULAR ORGANISMS MADE OUT OF SILICA. YEAH THAT'S RIGHT, WHILE ALL YOU PATSIES ARE MADE OUT OF CARBON, THESE GUYS DECIDED TO BE MADE OUT OF SAND. WHAT THE FUCK CAN CARBON DO TO SAND? NOTHING. THAT'S WHY CHARLES ATLAS FELT EMASCULATED AND SPENT A LIFETIME IN VAIN TO STOP CRYING HIMSELF TO SLEEP. EVER HEAR OF KICKING CARBON IN SOMEBODY'S EYES? NO. ONLY GAY HOMOSEXUALS EVEN ASK QUESTIONS THAT DUMB.
NOT EVEN SCIENTISTS ARE SMART ENOUGH TO CLASSIFY DIATOMS. IS IT A BRAND NEW PHYLUM OR A BRAND NEW KINGDOM? YOU'LL NEVER FIGURE IT OUT, ENJOY NOT MAKING TENURE TRYING.
THESE GUYS ARE SO HEAVY THAT THEY NATURALLY SINK IN THE WATER AND RELY ON WIND TURBULENCE TO RAISE THEM TO THE SURFACE. THEY DON'T GIVE A SHIT IF THEY SINK UNLIKE OTHER UNICELLULAR ORGANISMS THAT HAVE NATURE'S EQUIVALENT OF LIMP WRISTS - A FLAGELLUM OR CILIA. SOME DIATOMS CAN GROW UP TO 2MM IN LENGTH, WHICH CAN'T EVEN BE SAID ABOUT YOUR PENIS.
WHILE OTHER LIFEFORMS ARE USED TO PLOW FIELDS, GET FACTORY FARMED, OR WORK AS WAGE SLAVES, DIATOMS ARE BEING USED IN NANO SCALE MANUFACTURING. CAN'T FIGURE OUT HOW TO ETCH DETAILS INTO A MICROCHIP BECAUSE THE WAVELENGTH OF LIGHT IS TOO LARGE? DIATOMS HAVE BEEN SHITTING OUT SILICA TRACES FOR MILLIONS OF YEARS. YEAH THAT'S RIGHT. YOUR GRANDCHILDREN WILL BE FAPPING TO NARUTO USING COMPUTERS POWERED BY DIATOM FECES (AND BY YOUR GRANDCHILDREN I MEAN SOMEBODY ELSE'S GRANDCHILDREN SINCE REPRODUCING REQUIRES YOU TO LEAVE YOUR PARENTS' BASEMENT).
VIRUS
HERE IT IS, HONORABLE FAGS. THE VIRUS. IT BARELY EVEN QUALIFIES AS AN ANIMAL, BUT DO YOU THINK THIS BITCH CARES? FUCK NO! SCIENTISTS ARE STILL PISSING THEMSELVES TRYING TO FIGURE OUT WHAT THE FUCKING SHIT THIS PIECE OF AWESOMENESS EXACTLY IS. THIS NIGRA IS THE ULTIMATE RAPIST AND THE FINAL WORD IN BIOLOGICAL FUCKING WARFARE.
YOU MOTHERFUCKING FAGS ARE ALREADY DEAD. IT WILL RAPE YOU, FUCK YOU, DISEMBOWEL YOU AND YOU WON'T EVEN KNOW IT. THAT'S BECAUSE YOU FAGS ARE ALWAYS BUSY WITH YOUR FAGGOTRY AND YOUR IQ LEVEL IS SO MINUSCULE TO EVEN COMPREHEND WHAT THIS MEAN CHILD-SHREDDING FUCKING MONSTROSITY OF NATURE IS CAPABLE OF. YOU MIGHT AS WELL KILL YOURSELF NOW CAUSE ONCE THIS BITCH CHOOSES YOU AS ITS NEXT SORRY-ASS DINNER YOUR CHANCES OF SURVIVAL ARE MINUS ONE HUNDRED MOTHERFUCKING FUCK-POINTS.
IT WILL ATTACH HIS AWESOME ASS TO YOUR SHITTY BODY CELLS AND LAUGH AT YOU, BITCH. IT WILL THEN REPLICATE AND KEEP ON RAPING EVERY ORIFICE OF YOUR PUSSY UNTIL YOU SHIT BLOOD AND SPIT CUM. AND IF YOU'RE LUCKY YOU'LL BE DEAD BEFORE THIS MOTHERFUCKER REACHES YOUR BRAINS... OH WAIT MY BAD BITCH YOU AIN'T GOT ANY.
THIS FUCKING BASTARD CAN'T BE DESTROYED SO YOU BETTER KNOW THIS FACT BITCH CAUSE CHANCES ARE YOU'LL DIE OF A FUCKING HEART ATTACK BY THE TIME THIS BITCH STARTS RAPING YOUR MOTHER.
GALEOPSIS SPECIOSA
HOLY JESUS FUCK, LOOK AT THAT SHIT. IT'S A FUCKING PLANT, AND YOU KNOW WHAT? IT'S AT THE TOP OF THE FUCKING FOOD PYRAMID. JUST LOOK AT THAT MOTHERFUCKER. ONE GLANCE AND YOU GET BLASTED WITH OVER 9000 JIGGAWATTS OF PURE RAPE. YOUR BRAIN CURDLES IN SHEER TERROR, AND SCREAMS "OH GOD LET THAT SHIT BE A PHOTOSHOP!". BUT IT ISN'T A PHOTOSHOP, AND GUESS WHAT: IT WILL FUCKING JUMP ON YOUR GODDAMN HEAD AND SUCK YOU DRY. AND THEN IT WILL DO YOUR MOTHER, LIKE THE CANDYASS BITCH SHE IS WAS, BECAUSE IT JUST SUCKED HER DRY TOO.
THE ONLY REASON THESE MOTHAFUCKAS DON'T ALREADY RULE THE FUCKING WORLD IS BECAUSE OUR PATHETIC BALL OF DUST AND ROCK IS BENEATH THEIR NOTICE. WHILE WE ALL EAT HAMBURGERS, THEY EAT THE MOTHERFUCKING SUN. AND THEN THEY COMBINE IT WITH FUCKING DIRT AND WATER AND THEY MAKE SUGAR.
FUCKING. SUGAR.
YOU EVER CROSS THIS MOTHERFUCKER, AND IT'LL QUANTUM SYNTHESIZER YOUR WEAK ASS TO FUCKING OBLIVION.
SO EXTREME THEY'RE FUCKING DEAD
DUNKLEOSTEUS
ALRIGHT YOU FUCKS, GET DOWN ON YOUR ASS AND PRAY YOUR THANKS THAT GOD FOUND THIS MOTHERFUCKER SO AMAZINGLY BADASS THAT HE HAD TO TAKE HIM OFF THE PLANET.
DUNKLEOSTEUS IS ABOUT TO ROCK YOU SHITS BACK INTO THE LATE DEVONIAN PERIOD.
THIS MOTHERFUCKER WAS ROUGHLY 20FT LONG, AND HAD FUCKING BONES ON HIS MOTHERFUCKING HEAD! WHAT DO YOU HAVE ON YOUR HEAD? WEAKASS PUNY-HUMAN HAIR IS WHAT YOU HAVE, YOU BITCHES.
DUNKLEOSTEUS HAD A BITE FORCE OF 5,300N. YOU FAGS DON'T EVEN KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS DO YOU? I'LL TRANSLATE: DUNKLEOSTEUS WILL FUCK. YOUR. SHIT. BACKWARDS. THIS BRUTAL MOTHERFUCKER COULD OPEN HIS JAW SO FAST, IT CREATED A GODDAMN SUCTION EFFECT. YOU KNOW HOW YOU'D FARE IN THAT? YOU'D FARE LIKE DINNER. NO. FUCK THAT. MORE LIKE A SNACK. A PUSSY SNACK. CAUSE THAT'S WHAT YOU ALL ARE. PUSSIES.
THERIZINOSAURUS
THERIZINOSAURUS IS THE MOTHERFUCKING PINNACLE OF EVOLUTIONARY BADASSARY.
SEE THOSE CLAWS, YOU BITCH ? THOSE ARE OVER A METER IN LENGTH. THERIZINOSAURUS WOULD FUCK YOUR SHIT ALL OVER HELL AND BACK.
YOU COCKFAGS MIGHT THINK THAT SINCE HE'S A HERBIVORE HE'D BE A PUSSY, WELL YOU'D BE DEAD FUCKING WRONG FAGGOTS. THIS MOTHERFUCKING KING OF BADASSES WAS AS TALL AS A T. REX, THAT'S UP TO 40FT TALL, YOU FUCKS. THERIZINOSAURUS WAS 6.2 TONS OF COLOSSAL BRICKSHITTING AMAZEMENT. THIS BITCH WOULD TEAR YOU A NEW ASSHOLE WITH THOSE MOTHERFUCKING CLAWS.
NOT ONLY THAT, BUT THIS PIMP WAS SPORTING FEATHERS. HALF BIRD, HALF DINOSAUR, ALL ASSKICKING DEATH MACHINE OF JUSTICE, YOUR MOM'S OVARIES JUST EXPLODED FROM EVEN THINKING ABOUT THIS BADASS MOTHERFUCKING RAPEMACHINE OF DEATH.
MEGALODON
THE GREAT WHITE SHARK OWNS ALL YOU WHIMPERING CUNTS. THE GREAT WHITE SHARK HAS EYES BLACKER THAN AN EMO'S WARDROBE AND WILL TEAR YOUR SORRY ASS LIMB FROM LIMB AS YOU SCREAM FOR HELP LIKE THE BITCH YOU ARE. THE GREAT WHITE SHARK IS SO BADASS THAT IT HAS ITS OWN THEME FROM JAWS THAT SCARES THE SHIT OUT OF FUCKING PUSSIES SITTING SAFELY AT HOME - IT'S THAT FUCKING SCARY YOU PATHETIC EXCUSE FOR A HUMAN BEING. THE GREAT WHITE SHARK SENDS ICY FEAR INTO THE DEEPEST DEPTHS OF THE HUMAN SOUL.
GREAT WHITE SHARKS ARE 6 METERS LONG. SHIT. NOW IMAGINE A GREAT WHITE SHARK 15 METERS LONG. THAT'S MEGALODON. YOU WILL DIE OF FRIGHT SEEING THIS FUCKING MONSTER COMING TOWARDS YOU. ITS JAWS ARE TALLER THAN AN ADULT MAN. IT ATE DINOSAURS. IT ATE SEA MONSTERS. IT ATE WHALES. THAT'S RIGHT. IT ATE FUCKING WHALES. IT IS THE LARGEST FLESH-EATING FISH OF ALL TIME AND YOU WILL STAY STUCK BETWEEN ITS TEETH SLOWLY DROWNING AND WATCHING YOUR OWN LEGS SINK TO THE BOTTOM OF THE SEA.
GOD I'M GLAD THIS THING IS DEAD.
ANDREWSARCHUS
IF HE WERE ALIVE TODAY, HIS NICKNAME WOULD BE 'ANDY', BUT THAT DON'T MAKE HIM NO PANSY. THIS FURRY MOTHERFUCKER WAS THE BIGGEST FLESH-EATING MAMMAL EVAR TO TREAD THE EARTH, AND WOULD FUCK YOU UP QUICKER THAN BRUCE LEE. THE SIZE OF A FUCKING RHINOCEROS, HIS HEAD ALONE WAS AS BIG AS A FOLDING CHAIR, AND POSSESSED JAWS WHICH COULD SNAP YOUR PUSSY-ASS FEMUR IN TWO. AND AFTER HE KILLED YOU? HE'D TAKE A SHIT ON YOU. HE'D DROP A MOTHERFUCKING DEUCE ON YOUR FACE, A LA DUKE NUKEM, TO MARK YOU AS HIS PROPERTY SO THAT ONLY HE COULD EAT YOU.
LONG BEFORE SABRE-TOOTHED TIGERS CAME INTO EXISTENCE, ANDY REIGNED SUPREME AT THE TOP OF THE GODDAMN FOOD CHAIN. HIS CLOSEST LIVING RELATIVES ARE SHEEP, GOATS, AND FUCKING WHALES. YOU READ THAT RIGHT, BITCH; THAT MEANS HE COULD RAEP THE SHIT OUTTA YOUR FAGGOT ASS WITH HIS HUEG, HARD HOOF-CLAWS IF YOU DIDN'T TAKE HIM SRSLY.
SCREW-WORM FLY
THIS LITTLE MOTHERFUCKER WAS SO NASTY THAT WE HAD TO KILL IT OURSELVES. AND NOT EVEN BY SOME MANLY METHOD. WE KILLED THEM BY BEING PUSSIES.
SCIENTISTS USED TO CALL THIS LITTLE SHIT COCHLIOMYIA HOMINIVORAX WHICH IS LATIN FOR "FUCKING EATS YOU, MAN!" THIS FUCKER IS THE REASON WHY HOWLER MONKEYS SCREAM LIKE TORTURED PUSSIES. MOMMY SCREW-FLY WOULD COME AND LAY 300 EGGS IN THE WOUNDS AND NAVELS OF SOME DUMB-ASS CREATURE, LIKE A MONKEY OR YOU, AND WHEN THEY HATCHED, THEY'D EAT INTO YOUR FLESH. SO INSTEAD OF FIGHTING, THE GODDAMN MONKEYS DECIDED THAT INSTEAD OF BEATING EACH OTHER UP AND OPENING WOUNDS FOR THE FLY TO LAY EGGS IN, THEY'D HAVE FAGGOT SINGING CONTESTS.
DON'T EVEN THINK OF TRYING TO GET IT OUT OF YOU, OR YOU WILL LITERALLY GET SCREWED, AND NOT IN A WAY YOU LIKE, YOU PERVY FUCK! THESE FUCKING MAGGOTS WILL JUST SCREW DEEPER INTO YOUR FLESH IF YOU EVEN THINK ABOUT GETTING THEM OUT!
SO WHAT HAPPENED TO THESE LITTLE FUCKERS? WE TRICKED THE HORNY BASTARDS. IN THE 1980S PEOPLE BRED A FEW MILLION IN CAPTIVITY, STERILIZED THEM WITH RADIATION, THEN RELEASED THEM INTO THE WILD. FEMALES WOULD MATE WITH THEIR SWEET STERILE COCK AND NOT HAVE ANY BABIES. BY THE 90S, THEY ALL FUCKING DIED. GOOD RIDDANCE, YOU FUCKING SCREW-FLIES!
EPIC TO THE FUCKING EXTREME
HUMBOLDT SQUID (RED DEVIL)
DON'T TELL ME ABOUT CTHULHU, FAGGOTS. THE KRAKEN AIN'T GOT SHIT ON THIS SQUID: HE'S THE REAL DEAL. HIGHLY AGGRESSIVE AND HARD AS STEEL.
GOT 1,200 BROTHERS, ROAMIN' THE DROWNIN' OCEAN, BANGIN' BELOW 2,300 FT - READ: "PUSSIES KEEP OUT" - THAT DEEP DOWN, IT'S A BITCH FREE ZONE. FUCK THE DOG, "BEWARE OF SQUID". STILL WANNA SEND YOUR SUB-RIDERS? YOUR DOCUMENTARY DIVERS?: HE'LL DROWN 'EM ON CAMERA, LIKE PACIFIC AL-QAEDA! HE HAS THREE FUCKING HEARTS, BUT FEELS NO REMORSE; HUGE BRAIN, GIANT DICK, RAZOR SHARP BEAK, BLADES IN ITS ARMS AND FLASHING FUCKING CHROMATOPHORES, LIKE DIRTY COP CAR SIRENS - BORN TO KILL!
A MAN SIZED (6FT) MURDERER, KING OF THE DEEP. GUESS THAT'S WHY THEY CALL HIM "DIABLO ROJO", THE RED DEVIL, MOTHERFUCKERS - AND HE'S INVADING YOUR BEACH.
BOX JELLYFISH
OH SHIT, THE BOX JELLY FISH HERE TO KICK ASS AND TAKES NAMES. JESUS FUCKING SHIT CHRIST THIS IS THE MOST VENOMOUS ANIMAL ALIVE, GODAMN! THIS FUCKER IS SO BADASS HE DOESNT EVEN NEED TO DO SHIT TO KILL YOUR SORRY ASS, IT HANGS OUT IN THE WATERS AND WAITS FOR THINGS TO BUMP INTO IT AND DIE. IT KILLS YOU FASTER AND LULZYIER THAN THE VENOM OF SNAKES, (RAPE)SPIDERS, INSECTS, AND JEWS COMBINED. THE STING OF A BOX JELLYFISH CAN KILL OVER 9000 ADULTS IN UNDER 3 MINS YOU STUPID CUNT. ONCE YOU ARE STUNG, YOUR HEART, NERVOUS SYSTEM, AND SKIN ARE ALL ULTRA-RAPED AT THE SAME TIME. BITCHES DON'T KNOW THAT MOST OF THEM WILL DIE OF HEART FAILURE BEFORE THEY FUCKING REACHING THE SHORE. THERE ARE OVER 19 DIFFERENT TYPES OF BOX JELLY FISH, INCLUDING LOLI-SIZED WHO ARE JUST AS VENOMOUS AS THEIR BASKETBALL SIZED COUSINS. YOU THINK IT WAS JUST BY ACCIDENT THAT YOUR FAGGOT ASS BUMPED INTO THIS JELLY BEAST? HELL NO, THE BOX JELLYFISH IS THE ONLY MOTHERFUCKING JELLYFISH WITH EYES, SO IT WATCHED YOUR DUMB ASS TRY TO PLAY WITH ITS TENTACLES OF DEATH. IT WATCHED YOU WHILE YOU KILLED YOURSELF ON ITS PENIS LIKE A TRUE GANGSTA. HOW BAD ASS IS THAT.
IF ONE OF YOUR IDIOT FRIENDS IS STUNG THE FUCK UP BY ONE OF THESE GANGSTERS OF THE SEA, YOU CAN CURE THEM WITH COKE AND VINEGAR. BUT FOR THE LOVE OF FUCK USE THE RIGHT KIND OF VINEGAR OR YOUR FRIEND IS FUCKED!!!!!!! THIS MOTHERFUCKING WRATH OF THE FUCKING SEAS DOESN'T EVEN NEED TO BE AWAKE, HE CAN FUCKING GO TO SLEEP AND KILL YOU WITH HIS WIGGLING TENTACLES OF FATALITY YOU FUCKING SHITTY RETARDED CUNTY PIECE OF SHIT! YOU'RE NOTHING COMPARED TO THIS DEMON OF THE SEAS, DON'T EVEN FUCKING TRY TO SWIM AWAY, BECAUSE THIS FUCKING BADASS GOD WILL GO TO SLEEP AND SWIM TO YOU THE SLOWEST HE FUCKING WELL CAN, AND YOU STILL WON'T ESCAPE FROM HIM. JUST KILL YOURSELF YOU FUCKING WEAK BASTARD, YOU'RE NO MATCH FOR THIS BADASS OF THE SEAS, YOU'VE ALREADY LOST WHILE READING THIS.
POISON ARROW FROG
OK BASTARDS, BACK THE FUCK UP AND MAKE WAY FOR THE POISON ARROW FROG. HE MAY ONLY BE A FEW CENTIMETERS LONG (LIKE YOUR PENIS) AND LOOKS LIKE HE'S ABOUT TO SHIT A RAINBOW, BUT HE'LL FUCK YOU UP HARDCORE. THIS LITTLE FUCKER GOES OUT HUNTING IN THE DAYTIME, WHEN ALL THE OTHER FROGS ARE HIDING IN THE UNDERGROWTH. WHY? BECAUSE HE'S SO FUCKING POISONOUS THAT THE PREDATORS ARE SCARED OF HIM, THAT'S WHY. IF THEY SO MUCH AS TOUCH HIM, THEY'LL BE DEAD BEFORE LONG, BECAUSE THAT LETHAL TOXIN IS SECRETED FROM HIS RAINBOW SKIN. HE'S SO BADASS, HE'S GIVEN THE JUNGLE NIGGERS THAT DWELL IN THE AMAZON RAINFOREST THE PRIVILEGE OF WIPING THE TIPS OF THEIR ARROWS ON HIS SKIN SO THAT THEY CAN UTILIZE HIS FUCKING DEADLY POISON. AND THEY HAVE TO USE A FUCKING CATCHER'S MITT TO HANDLE HIM.
HE'S SO HARDCORE HE EATS POISONOUS ANTS FOR BREAKFAST, MOTHERFUCKER. THOSE ANTS KNOW TRUE DESPAIR BEFORE THEY'RE EATEN. THEY LOOK AT HIS COLORS AND THE SEE THE COLORS OF DEATH.TO THESE ANTS, DEATH IS A RAINBOW.
SO YOU'D BETTER NOT BE MESSING WITH THIS LITTLE FUCKER, OR YOU MIGHT FIND HIM SHITTING RAINBOW POISON IN YOUR HALLOWEEN CANDY THIS YEAR.
DOUBLE BIRD
ALRIGHT YOU SHITCUNTS. ARE YOU FUCKING SEEING THIS? ARE YOU? CAUSE I DON'T THINK YOU ARE, CAUSE IF YOU WERE YOUR FUCKING PUSSY HEAD WOULD NOT BE ABLE TO HANDLE IT
THAT'S RIGHT FUCKERS. THAT'S A BIRD. RIDING ANOTHER BIRD. THIS GUY IS SO MOTHERFUCKING HARDCORE, HES RIDING A FUCKING HAWK OR SOME SHIT THAT COULD KILL YOU IN A FUCKING SECOND WITH ITS RAZOR SHARP TALONS. THINK ABOUT THAT. JUST THINK. THIS FUCKING HAWK COMES OUT OF NOWHERE AND DIVE BOMBS YOU CLAWING THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR FACE AND NECK. THAT'S IT MAN, YOUR WIMPY PIECE OF SHIT PHYSIQUE CANT TAKE ALL THIS AWESOME.
BUT ITS NOT OVER YET.
THEN THE SECOND BIRD JUMPS OFF THE FALCON AND PECKS THE FUCK OUT OF WHATEVER LITTLE PIECES OF YOU ARE LEFT. JUST GIVE UP AND SHOOT YOURSELF NOW, THIS IS TOO FUCKING HARDCORE FOR YOU.
SO FAMOUS THAT EXTREME DOES NOT BEGIN TO DESCRIBE
SGT. STUBBY
HOLY MOTHERFUCKING GOD DAMN SON!
DO YOU REALIZE WHO THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS?!
THIS IS SGT. STUBBY. THAT'S FUCKING RIGHT, YOU LIMP-DICKED COCKSUCKER. THIS DOG HAS FUCKING RANK. HIS AWESOME WAS SO POWERFUL THAT HE GOT INTO THE FUCKING ARMY AND OUT-MANNED EVERY MOTHER FUCKER WHO HAD THUMBS SO HARD THAT THEY HAD TO GIVE HIM FUCKING PROPS. THE ONLY REASON THAT HE ISN'T A FIVE STAR GENERAL IS BECAUSE THOSE BUREAUCRATIC COCKSHITTERS USED SOME POLITICS OR SOME BULLSHIT TO KEEP A DOG DOWN. HE EVEN OUTRANKED HIS OWNER.
OUTRANKED. HIS. OWNER.
FUCK! I JUST CAME!
THIS FUCKING DOG WAS SO BADASS THAT IN WWI HE SERVED IN THE FUCKING TRENCHES, A PLACE YOUR PUNY GOD DAMN ASS WOULD LIKELY BE SHITTING IN OR DEAD AS FUCK BECAUSE KRAUT GAS RIPPED YOU A NEW ASSHOLE FROM THE INSIDE OUT. YOU KNOW WHAT GAS DOES TO STUBBY? HE GOT A WHIFF, ALMOST DIED, BUT REMEMBERED THAT HE WAS THE HARDEST MOTHERFUCKER ON THE FIELD AND SAID "FUCK YOU GERMANY!" HE PROCEEDED TO OUT-AWESOME THE MUSTARD GAS AND LIVE TO FIGHT ANOTHER DAY, ONLY NOW HE KNEW WHAT MUSTARD GAS SMELLED LIKE AND WOULD BATTLE ROAR SO HARD THAT THE ALLIES IN HIS TRENCH KNEW IT WAS TIME TO GET THE FUCKING MASKS ON. HELL, ARTILLERY DID NOTHING TO THIS HARD ASS. HE HEARD THAT SHIT COMING A MILE AWAY AND WOULD USE HIS BARBARIAN BELLOW TO TELL HIS DUDES TO GET INTO COVER AND GET THE FUCK OUT OF THE WAY.
OH BUT WE AREN'T DONE YET, YOU MILK-FED BABY MEN. STUBBY WAS SO GOD DAMN HARD THAT HE CAUGHT A FUCKING SPY BY HIS ASS CHEEK AND REFUSED TO LET HIM LEAVE. I'M PRETTY SURE HE WENT ON AND FUCKED THAT GERMAN SPIES' DAUGHTER JUST TO PROVE THAT HE WAS MORE MAN THAN THE SPY COULD EVER HOPE TO BE.
SGT. STUBBY IS A FUCKING VETERAN. YOU? YOU'RE JUST A LITTLE CIVVIE BITCH WHO CAN'T HOLD A CANDLE TO THIS UNBELIEVABLY AWESOME DOG. GO KILL YOURSELF ALREADY.
SEE ALSO
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| Featured article January 7, 2009 | ||
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