Socialist Workers Party: Difference between revisions

* SWP DID WTC *
* SWP DID WTC *
* SWP DID WTC *
* SWP DID WTC *

* SWP DID WTC *

* SWP DID WTC *

The Socialist Workers Party are a n00dz uploading communist Illuminati that was founded over 100 years ago and would rather kindly HAWHAW like to suggest a IRL revolution. Their leader is Zombie Karl Marx, a notorious Anti-Semitic Jew[1], they follow his every word. When they are not following his word they sell pamphlets and newspapers explaining how to transform into a homosexual comrade, they pretend to be Anarchists, take over Britfag student protests and encourage over-priviliged retards all to go crazier than Britney Spears on a coke and LSD bender, smashing in windows along the way. SWP are in a sacred war with Bourgeoisie, BNP, EDL, Tories and even you. It's all about the counterculture bbz. I'm a Trotskyite. Cigarette? Fancy a shag? Would you like a paper?

Socialist Worker: Newspaper of the Mao

SWP sell a shitty communist newspaper called the "Socialist Worker" that no-one buys on the street, usually outside demonstrations for a cause. Any cause. Including legalizing Pedophiles. Other causes they support include equality of women and helping asian people attacked by Neo Nazis. They also sold papers at the WTC the day the attacks happened. SWP DID WTC.

Socialist Worker furry reader, nothing unusual here.

Rich Lesbian Journalist Laurie Penny trolls "Comrades" about the paper being shit.

Brit fag newspaper The Guardian's "comment is free" section (only actually free if you're famous, left wing or present a crappy channel 4 show) published Laurie Penny's article, which called the SWP old, unhip, pointed out that in the 21st century nobody wants to read their shitty newspaper, and that only an empty room was interested in paying to join to set fire to London because they could do it anyway. The SWP responded straight away in the hippest way they knew possible: they made a facebook page (may the lawlz be with you) proving they were still cool. dance dance revolution, comrades!

The SWP bitched about and particularly despised this quote:

	“	Of course, the old left is not about to disappear completely. It is highly likely that even after a nuclear attack, the only remaining life-forms will be cockroaches and sour-faced vendors of the Socialist Worker.	„
	—Laurie Penny

The SWP got massively butt hurt by Laurie's attention seeking comments, but by then she had already moved on to complaining incessantly about various fictional rape allegations. Zombie Karl Marx awakened from his slumber and demanded Egor, pronounced "Alex" fix it all stat.

But WAIT! there's more

Not happy with the SWP being frontally assaulted, SWP LEADER Alex Callinicos used his position as a Guardian comment writer to attack Laurie Penny. He kept quiet about the fact he actually runs the SWP in the article. Which wasn't relevant, at all.

	“	Penny's polemic was uncharacteristically ungenerous, picking out "sour-faced sellers of the Socialist Worker" as symbols of "the traditional hierarchies of the left", and comparing them to cockroaches. In fact, Socialist Worker has simply been where it has always been, in the thick of the struggle – with the students in 2010, as it was with the dockers in 1972, the miners in 1984, the Genoa protestors in 2001, and the anti-war marchers in 2003.	„
	—The Great Leader

You'd think disclosing that Alex FUCKING RAN THE SWP whilst he whined on about pretentious lady boy Laurie would be important, but of course full disclosure might reveal the Guardian is a peddler of actual Eastern Bloc Era Communism. Don't worry though, you can tell Laurie how much you support her personal stance on this by messaging her on her sekrit facebook profile [2]. Oh wait, is it not sekrit anymore? WE DUN GOOFED, then.

Drama

While requiring a little knowledge of SWP's bullshit, trolling Marxists can result in much lulz and butthurt:

Compare their Fist hand gesture to the Nazi salute and point out the Nazi salute was adapted from 1920's US Socialist ran schools where children did it in the morning whilst doing the pledge of allegience.
Say that Socialism is Fascist.
Mention the failure of the Soviet Union.
Compare Stalin to Hitler, then compare Hitler to Hugo Chavez and Fidel Castro. For added lulz, find out their fave Commie country and compare the leader to Stalin and his purges. Then Hitler.

Humming the Soviet national anthem is optional.

Tell them that the SP, or Socialist Party is the only real Workers party of substance, and that they talk the talk but do not walk the walk, bring up not officially supporting TUSC, that really pisses them off.
Say Marx was a dirty nerd who needs to bathe.
Mention China's booming, capitalist economy (compared to the utter shithole it was when Mao Zedong was in charge).
Pointing out Marx was actually a Anti-Semite with a book called "On the Jewish Question".
Come up with some bullshit about how Marx would have loved the Soviet Union and the People's China. Make sure to say he was probably gay or into Scat. The more falsified information you present complete with straight face the lulzier it will be.

To troll any nearby New Labour mouth breathers (who will inevitably hang around SWSS gatherings), try the following:

Say you support Israel and the war in Iraq.
"Tony Blair was justified in trying to get Oil, they were savages."
"RED ED? I'm with Boris."
"Oil is important, without petrol, how will we get to work?"
"I voted for David Milliband, but the commie dominated unions forced through that unelectable turd Red Ed anyway"

How their Bullshit Works

The Islamist dominated SWP is "run" by a Central Committee almost entirely compiled of bitter polytechnic lecturers and Aristocrats rejected from the Tory party - they re-elect slight variations of themselves each year at a National Conference. You can only elect members who agree with the Central Committee, which tells you all that you need to know about how Democracy will potentially function under the SWP. Members who agree with each other can meet up with other members and then agree with each other. At councils two delegates from each branch, who agree with the leader of the branch and the Central Committee, can put their hands in the air as the need arises. Possibly.

In 2009, the members of the Central Committee included Chris Bambery, Alex Callinicos, Chris Harman and John ‘I’m Working Class’ Rees (who resigned). Chris Harman and Alex Callinicos (one of a middle-class background, the other is the main aristocrat) have been in the Party for a long time and have sold literally over 100 books to people who like reading books written by the SWP.

The SWP's quest to make us all queue for bread outside includes "Deflected Permanent Revolution". This means the country can be converted to Commujism only by "intellectuals", rather than you. The "intellectuals" pretend to have solidarity with you, and get brainwashed middle class students to scream about bullshit in the streets, and/or to set fire to them. SWP aim to pressure society, business and government into a slow Neo Socialist/Neo Soviet (think Stalin, not rail nationalisation) decline, from which they themselves profit financially and in infamy. The main problem with their views is that in reality, the "intellectuals" are SWP's own core organisers, wealthy Oxbridge toffs (HAWHAW) from a background of luxury, no different from those who run the Conservative party. It's essentially a con. The technical term for their bullshit is Blanquism[3]. In their own way, Alex Callinicos et all are throwing the Tory line "We're all in this together" with a different slant. ~~Once they are in charge...~~That will never happen.

Other prominent members include John Molyneux, Rob Owen and Pat Stack. None of these figures are known to people outside the SWP (or its far-left rivals), but they are known to the people who know them. Nudge nudge, wink wink.

The SWP has a ‘industrial department’ which hands out old scrolls by Leon Trotsky to union leaders, made in a cave by Bob Crow when he is not forcing all public transport workers to strike for pay raises from £10 PH to £15 PH, which is fine if you're a fag smoking greasy unemployed Marxist, but substantially more annoying if you're trying to get to work. To buy a sexy 3D HDTV. You'll probably (as a fine upstanding member of the community, no doubt) also pay the striking tossers continually hiked wages with your taxes and rail fares. Bob also informs Boris continually as to how misinformed he is.

How their Bullshit works: Pretentious Students

The SWP incorporates the Socialist Workers' Student Society, which is actually the whole of the SWP (apart from ex-students who are leaders - but only if they are loaded). These societies run meetings such as ‘How to master the cockney accent’, ‘How to pretend that one’s parents aren’t rich’ and ‘How to memorise the party line’

Gallery

Socialist Worker Party About missing Pics

Lenin's number one fan
Hipster next to party van

[Collapse GalleryExpand Gallery]

Pathetic Newspaper Stall
Furry fag

The 'Inner Circle': Highlights

Alex Callinicos

Callinicos is an aristocrat, through his mother, of the 19th century English historian Lord Acton. During World War II his Greek father was active in the Greek Resistance to Nazi occupation, whilst his mother, Ædgyth Bertha Milburg Mary Antonia Frances Lyon-Dalberg-Acton, was the daughter of the 2nd Lord Acton. He was educated at St George's College, Harare.

Callinicos himself first became involved in politics as a student at Balliol College, Oxford, from which he received his BA. In 1977, Callinicos married Joanna Seddon, a fellow Oxford doctoral student. He received his DPhil at Oxford.

You'd think Alex would prefer the Tory party but whilst the SWP obscurity is greater, the rewards of being at the top of a new political tree are just far too compelling, and lets not forget he'd be an outcast in the Tory party now. Really the decision to go far left after University was just a mistake. And it's one that he now cannot backtrack on, and nor would he, for the academic influence (has control over lots of headfucked students), and general influence (his own guardian section online) his little niche affords.

tl;dr Summary:

Aristocrat
Upper Class
Oxbridge Graduate
On the board of Directors at Kings College, London

Jake Smith: SWP MEMBER PROVIDES NUDES LOLOL

Prominent "inner circle" member, and at the time leader of the Sheffield branch of the SWP, Jake Smith posted his nudes online on NewbieNudes and then BELETED THEM. Go on his facebook profile ~~and send them to all of his friends~~ add him as a friend then tell all his other friends about his prOn star lifestyle.

Jake Smith About missing Pics

camwhore jake smith
Look at my tiny balls
mmm razor burn
Jake Smith presenting to get fucked by Karl Marx

[Collapse GalleryExpand Gallery]

Jake Smith ~~trying hard to be a hipster~~ exemplifying faggotry.
Jake lost his teeth after sucking his cock

~~Jake then assaulted some Police officers, lulz ensued.~~ Guise, you can all fuck off saying Jake is a nutter who assaulted da police. He was cleared of all charges[4].

	“	It’s been a nightmare. I’ve suffered from depression and I’ve been unable to get a job. I haven’t even been able to see my family when I want to.	„
	—Jake on being arrested for fucking p0leece

We'll have no moar badmouthing of this sexy sexy man with his alleged 8 inch penis (according to his n00bie n00ds profile). In fact, call him NOOOOOOOWWWWWWWW and apologise on these handy phone numbers we found [5] Docs alla dropped

As we've seen, The Guardian, a neutral paper that doesn't take sides, immediately launched a massive article supporting Jake, watch the lulzy video here: [6]

But wait! There's MOAR!

Jake appears on BBC NEWSNIGHT!!!!!!11

PS @ 3:20 - Police Beat Jake up, watch for lulz

Jake appears on WEIRDO IRANIAN TUBES CHANNEL!!!!!!11

Butthurt: The revenge of a hairless asshole

Jake Izaak Smith is butthurt about this article and tried to delete fucking everything about himself using the following sockpuppets on the olde ED.com: User:Bob tech, User:Naybob and User:Weebdem17. Now we have new ED.SE and this stuff can never be taken down. Oh SHIT!!!!1.

Of course that didn't stop him trying [7]. LULZZZZZZZZ. Update: And then again with : [8] LOLOLOL.

FULL SPEED AHEAD JAKE. FULL SPEED!

PS we also forgot to mention he was removed as head honcho of Sheffield branch - SWP. Could it be anything to do with the fact his penis is available to anyone with internets? We wouldn't like to guess.

Matthew Smith

Matthew Edwin Jack Smith is a 24 year old SWP fag, and Oxford undergraduate (HAWHAW!). He is Jake Smith's boyfriend, he lives in Surrey, in his Mother's basement. He is a keen blogger, and activist on the verge of suicide.

	“	I am a pathiological liar and a thief. I deserve to die	„
	—Matthew Edwin Jack Smith speaking the truth

	“	I built a fortress and I became rather bedridden the preceding summer.	„
	—Matthew Edwin Jack Smith

His Doxs are here for you to enjoy VxVj1dnH

Lulzy Leaked Dox

★ LULZ UPDATE!!!!: ★
Internal document from SWP leaks revealing recruitment master plan for 2011 xwrv7yLr. Actual quote:

	“	The total number of people who joined in November was 92, this does not include any of the forms above. That means over roughly 30 days 360 people joined or expressed an interest in joining. This is the highest level of recruitment we have seen since 2003.	„
	—SWP

We won't point out the basic maths fail if you don't. VIVA LA REVOLUTION!

Anti-Racist Anti-Semites

Image comment: (note to self, reupload) He loves Fisting.

Image comment: (note to self, reupload) "So what if I'm an anti-semite and this is a Love Music Hate Racism event? We all hate them, right? Guise? Guise???"

The SWP really don't like Jews. Even though they were founded by one, something about them Jews really pisses the core organisers off, so much so that they invited Gilead Atzmon, rabid loon and "outspoken critic of Israel" to be the headline speaker at their yearly convention three times in a row[9]. This alone wasn't good enough anti-semitism for Great Leader Alex Callinicos and nubile servant, the alluring Martin Smith was thrust forward & promptly created a huge festival for Atzmon to play Jazz - the hilariously misnamed "Love Music Hate Racism" (at which he played twice), before someone noticed him telling the world that Synagogues should be burned down [10], at which point it was sharpishly buried under the floorboards. They also do Love Music Hate Homophobia as well. And also, as you would expect from anti-semites they love Islam, and Palestine.

* SWP HATE JEWS *
* SWP HATE JEWS *
* SWP HATE JEWS *
* SWP HATE JEWS *

* SWP HATE JEWS *

* SWP HATE JEWS *

Revolution cancelled due to bad weather

Currently the SWP is in a very weak condition with very few members so the revolution won't be happening this month.

The long term strategy of the SWP is as follows: [11]

Act like insufferable wankers.
Slag off the activities and principles of useful people while being useless.
Take all the fun of everything they are involved in.
Meetings. So many meetings. Oh dear god the meetings.
Keep printing that fucking awful paper.
When the revolution finally happens despite their knack for stagnating genuine popular movements like a fat bloke with a rucksack at the front of a punk gig, they take all the credit. Then they have all the real revolutionaries rounded up and shot and promptly set about rebuilding hierarchy, beuraucracy and oppression until they are much the same as they were before but with more gulags. And more meetings.
Repeat until the sun explodes.

How to Succeed in the Future: Footnotes from Stalin.

Time tested formulae for success (third edition, 1994):
1. Sell Newspapers.
2. Shout at people through megaphones.
3. ????????????

4. REVOLUTION!

Socialist Workers Party: Difference between revisions

Latest revision as of 23:36, 18 April 2023

Contents

Socialist Worker: Newspaper of the Mao