Kesha

Ke$ha: My Crazy Beautiful Drama

Ke$ha (part 1) ♦ Lawsuit (part 2) ♦ Related Shit ♦ Timeline ♦ White Knights ♦ Celebrities ♦ Gallery ♦ Quotes

Ke$ha

Powerword:	Kesha Rose Sebert
Aliases:	Kesha, Ke$ha, Ke卐ha, K$, K Dollar Sign, Glittertits, Dr. Dreidel, Beardmongler, Fridge-Chan
Born:	March 1, 1987
Died:	TBD
Occupation:	Singer · Songwriter · Ordained Minister · Anti-Bullying Activist
Crimes:	Public Indecency · Underage Drinking · Slander · B&E · Theft · Stalking · Extortion · Ivory Smuggling · Feeding the Bears
Diseases:	GOTIS · Obesity · STDs
Genre:	Pop Music · Rock Music · Rap Music · Rape Music
Orientation:	Bisexual
Fetishes:	Barbaphilia
Religion:	Satanic Veganism
Rating:	0/10 Would Not Bang
Logo:

Ke$ha (pronounced: kesh-it) is a pleasantly plump 37-year-old Americunt singer, songwriter and white rapper who is known for her numerous chart-topping hits, frequent abuse of Auto-Tune, getting her own short-lived reality television show on MTV and for being a leading human and animal rights activist who claims to possess a haunted vagina and is obsessed with glitter, beards, serial killers and collecting human body parts. Oh, and did we mention that she's recently accused her producer of pulling a Cosby on her a decade ago?

Meet Kesha Rose Sebert, a highly intelligent and completely respectable young woman who dropped out of school at the age of 18 to pursue her dream of singing songs that glorify sex and alcoholism and become a role model for today's youth. Unfortunately, this rise to fame came at the heavy, heavy price of signing a record contract that she later regretted signing. Instead of taking a hint from Prince (whose house she just happened to break into once) and writing the word "slave" on her face during her concerts, Ke$ha decided to play the woman card and falsely accuse her producer of committing the heinous crime of rape – She then proceeded to SUE FUCKING EVERYONE in a futile attempt to get out of a multi-million dollar contract that just didn't have enough millions in it for her.

While the parties involved in the legal drama were always well aware of the fact that Ke$ha is full of shit – Ke$hit's mentally deficient teenage fans, who refer to themselves as "animals", naively chose to believe that she is a victim of America's non-existent "rape culture" and that due process and the entire American justice system are merely tools that are used by the big, bad patriarchy for the sole purpose of oppressing teh wimminz.

It was this sheer idiocy that led to the creation of one of the most inane social justice shitstorms since the rise of GamerGate and Anti-GamerGate – A so-called "movement" known as #FreeKesha or #SaveKesha or #FreeKeshaLuke or some stupid shit like that. We honestly don't know what the movement is called at this point because the cunts behind it use up hashtags faster than Adam Lanza can clear out a classroom.

Despite their claims that they stand for women's rights and equality, members of the #FreeKesha movement often exhibit violent behaviour and have a tendency to spout misogynistic and homophobic slurs at people they disagree with. Some of the finer examples of the movement's humanitarian work include bullying a 16-year-old sexual abuse victim and her father to the point of crying, constantly harassing and threatening the rather hawt man that Ke$ha falsely accused of rape, making death and rape threats against a female judge and vandalizing Wikipedia.

Meet the Seberts

Pebe Sebert, the former cheapest hooker in America.

Pebe definitely isn't hooked on Methamphetamine!

4-year-old Kesha in *F.A.R.T. the Movie*

Pebe starved Kesha so she'd be presentable on television.

Louie learns that his mum is going on a date with a nigger.

Rosemary Patricia Sebert, nicknamed Pebe (pronounced: pee-bee), was just your typical drug-addicted, alcoholic, single mum – She had had a brief stint writing shitty songs for moderately-famous singers back in the early 80s, but other than that she was a complete failure at life who was constantly drifting in and out of homelessness along with her young son, Lagan Blue Sebert.

In 1986, desperate to take away more of the taxpayers' hard earned money, Pebe decided that she would produce yet another horrid offspring that she could use to collect moar money from the big, bad Government. Unfortunately, Pebe was scared of the prospect of going to a sperm bank because she knew that would cost money and she was scared that she may contract even more AIDS – Pebe then did the reasonable thing and started fucking all of her male acquaintances at a discount until she finally managed to get knocked up again.

	“	Because some sperm banks had reportedly been infected with HIV, my mom decided to ask some of her friends to try to get her pregnant.	„
	—Kesha, on how her mum got pregna- HAHAHAAAAA

	“	There are two guys that might be her birth father… She’s never had good feelings about men	„
	—Pebe Sebert, confirming that she is a whore.

	“	Mick Jagger might be my dad. fo realz. ....I play the cowbell.	„
	—Ke$ha needs more cowbell, also Mick Jagger might be her father

	“	I’ve never known for sure who my father is, and I don’t want to know.	„
	—Wait, didn't you just say that your father might be Mick Jagger?

	“	I have enormous respect for Kesha. I admire her music, her talent, her work ethic, and the fact that she has clearly established herself as a voice of her generation. I would be proud to be her father, but I do not have that honor.	„
	—Hugh Moffatt dodged a bullet by divorcing Pebe

	“	Who is Kesha Rose Sebert's father? Is it Chief Running Water? Chef? Mephesto? That little monkey guy that follows him around? Mr. Garrison? Jimbo? Officer Barbrady? Ned? Mr. Broflovski?? Or is it the 1991 Denver Broncos?	„
	—What we're all thinking.

Previous Quote | Next Quote

On March 1, 1987, Kesha Rose Sebert (whose name is derived from the Hebrew term "Kash Kow") suddenly fell out of Pebe's diseased centipede nest while she was attending a party. From an early age, Kesha was forced by her mum to dress like a cheap hooker, sing terrible music and to be able to act – All because Pebe wanted to turn her failed abortion into a money-making opportunity that could give her the extravagant life that she had always dreamed of having.

On May 1, 1991, Kesha had her debut film appearance in F.A.R.T. the Movie, a shitty B movie that's basically just 91 minutes of boring, unfunny fart jokes. In the film, a blindfolded old woman is asked to identify a person based on the scent of their flatulence and ends up erroneously identifying 4-year-old Kesha as being a "very virile man". Srsly.

4-year-old Ke$ha farting, because you're a sick fuck.

Young Ke$ha.

Coming in last place in her middle school talent show.

The Seberts on The Simple Life.

Previous Video | Next Video

By the early 2000s, Kesha was, by all accounts, a perfectly normal American teenager – Overweight, bisexual and a vegan. Unfortunately, Pebe's intentions to use her daughter as a human sacrifice to the entertainment industry steadfastly remained, and in 2004, Pebe chose to answer an advertisement seeking an "eccentric" family to appear in season 3 of Fox's The Simple Life – A made-for-TV documentary series that starred Paris Hilton and Nicole Richie as a pair of down-on-their-luck prostitutes (i.e. themselves if they didn't have any money).

The episode featured Paris and Nicole staying at the Seberts' already shitty home while they planned a wedding. Notable events from the episode include 6-year-old Louie Sebert calling Paris and Nicole "bitches" and Paris, Nicole and Kesha attempting to find Pebe a man with low enough standards to be willing to date her.

In the end, the terrible trio decide on a man named Randy and bring him to Pebe – Which hilariously results in what appears to be Louie's first time seeing a nigger.

	“	The bitches are almost here.	„
	—6-year-old Louie Sebert, on Paris and Nicole's impending arrival

Kesha's Family About missing Pics

Pebe while she still looked half decent.
Pebe's award winning Body Mass Index.
You'd be fucked up too if you had to crawl out of this vagina.
Lagan Blue Sebert, about to be swept out to sea and raped by sirens.
Louie Sebert on Victorious.
Don't ever talk to me or my sons again.
A typical Sebert family outing.
Louie Sebert, looking like Willy Wonka.

[Collapse GalleryExpand Gallery]

Louie Sebert, Kesha's imouto and a Brianna Wu lookalike.
The abyss stares back.
Pebe's 90-year-old Aunt Ellie.
Another picture of Aunt Ellie.
I'M A FUCKING RAINBOW, HOW DO I WORK?
The Seberts are a perfectly normal family.
PERFECTLY NORMAL
Pebe's beaver.
We have many questions.
The Simple Life
Louie shows off his telekinetic powers.
Kalan Marie Sebert, Kesha's cousin.
Kalan gets molested by Kesha.
Ke$ha, Maid of Horror.
Cousin "Quay-Quay" and Louie.
Sonia Sebert, Pebe's older sister.
Hugh Moffatt, Pebe's ex-husband and Lagan's alleged father.

Becoming the Music Industry's Bitch

David Alan Sonenberg, professional egotistical douche.

She certainly wasn't using those IDs to purchase alcohol!

Kesha sang a song for this animated abortion in 2006.

Ke$ha transformed into a truly outrageous whore!

What actually happens at a Ke$ha concert.

Science had finally created a female manchild. A womanchild.

Enter Dr. Luke^✡ (Powerword: Łukasz Sebastian Gottwald), the protégé of legendary music producer Max Martin and a man who would eventually go on to write more shitty #1 pop hits than any other music producer in the history of ever.

Dr. Luke and Max Martin had heard Kesha's demo (which Pebe had been sending to pretty much everyone in the music industry for years) and they believed that, with some help, she could make a potentially decent pop-star. While the Seberts were Netflix and chillin' with Paris and Nicole, Dr. Luke decided to phone the Sebert residence and talk to young Kesha in an attempt to spread her cancerous voice across the world – Fortunately, Nicole Richie ended up answering the phone and then promptly hung up on him like a total bitch.

Unfortunately, Luke was persistent and decided to call back later. Kesha was eventually convinced by Luke (and probably by Pebe hooking her nipples up to a car battery) that it would be a good idea to drop out of school and pursue a career as a singer. It was at this time that Kesha signed a six album contract Dr. Luke and his production company, Kemosabe Records, and began living the glamourous life of a pop-star by attending Nicky Hilton's 22nd birthday party where she had a wonderful time and definitely wasn't drugged or raped.

At this point in time, Dr. Luke was preoccupied with furthering the careers of far more talented pop-stars such as Britney Spears, Katy Perry, Pink, Moonman, Avril Lavigne, Miley Cyrus and Kelly Clarkson – This led to him ignoring young Kesha and putting her career on the back burner, something that she was clearly not pleased about.

Eventually, one of Dr. Luke's acquaintances made the terrible mistake of introducing Kesha to David Alan Sonenberg^✡, founder of the music management company DAS Communications (DAS being his initials, if you weren't paying attention) and producer of the Academy Award winning film When We Were Kings. Sonenberg had long been involved in a Jewfight with Dr. Luke and, wanting to meddle in the good doctor's affairs, offered to take a look at Kesha's contract for her.

	“	This contract is worse than the one Lou Pearlman^✡ made with the Backstreet Boys.	„
	—David Alan Sonenberg, being a Jew

After being convinced by Sonenberg that her contract with Luke was void and feeling neglected by Dr. Luke, young Kesha decided that she would attempt to find a better-paying career in the music industry by hiring DAS Communications to get her a contract with a major record-label within a year – Something that was complicated by the fact that Luke's contract with her wasn't actually void.

Needing to find a way out of her contract with Dr. Luke, someone (probably Pebe or Sonenberg) eventually came up with the brilliant of making up a story about Luke drugging and raping Kesha at Nicky Hilton's 22nd birthday party. Realizing that she still needed a way to support her mum's meth addiction in the meantime, Kesha then began working at a bar – Unfortunately, they promptly fired her arse when they discovered that she wasn't 21 and had been stealing IDs from young, blonde customers to add to her ever-growing "collection" of fake IDs.

	“	I was a barback until they realized I wasn’t twenty-one and was snagging IDs that other blond girls left at the bar to add to my collection of fake IDs.	„
	—Ke$ha, on being fired from her job

After being fired from her job as a bartender and identity thief, Kesha then took a part-time job as a waitress at a shitty local restaurant, eventually earning and flaunting the title of Worst Waitress in L.A.. Fueled by alcohol and finally rolling in the massive amount of bitches and dough that come with holding a minimum wage job, Kesha decided to change her name to Ke$ha and began dressing and acting like a spoiled, histrionic, 16-year-old ghetto slut.

Despite the fact that she was accusing Luke of rape during this time, that still didn't stop Ke$ha from working with him by singing back-up for a song entitled Nothing in This World on Paris Hilton's debut album. Even more embarrassingly, the only work that DAS Communications was able to find for Ke$ha was singing a shitty song for The Barbie Diaries, a CG-animated abortion featuring everyone's favourite doll. Ke$ha then did what any self-respecting 18-year-old woman would do and decided to go back to working with the man that she had accused of raping her.

After reaching an agreement with Luke, her six album contract was now reduced to five albums and Luke had to buy her a fucking Gold Trans Am. By 2008, Ke$ha was finally ready to get back to living the glamourous life of a pop-star by singing uncredited guest vocals on rapper Flo Rida's cover of Right Round, the wildly popular Meatspin theme song.

	“	I got a call from Dr. Luke. He needed someone to sing on a Flo Rida song. The song, “Right Round,” went to the top of the charts across the world and broke the record for most digital sales in a week. When I first heard it on the radio, I pulled my car over, turned up the radio, and started crying. It was finally happening. I didn’t make a dime off the song, but it didn’t matter.	„
	—Ke$ha liked being poor

	“	I was so happy being broke. And I'm happy not being broke. It doesn't really affect me either way. I care about taking care of people that have taken care of me – that's important to me. But to be honest, I'm kind of repulsed by the gluttony and excesses of a lot of people in the limelight.	„
	—Ke$ha, being full of shit.

Previous Quote | Next Quote

Ke$ha had finally gotten her big break and found fame by singing the lyrics to a song that was made famous by a notorious shock site – The future began to look bright for young Ke$ha as she joined MySpace and began acting like the fact that she sang backup in a shitty rap song (that blatantly ripped off a song from the 1980s) made her hot shit.

Now that people were beginning to hear her voice, it was only natural that the next step would be producing her very first album (something that she was contractually obligated to have done by February 26, 2006). Finally, in August of 2009, Ke$ha's very first single was released – An ear-rapingly bad techno rap that tells the story of Ke$ha being a drunken cooze and bringing shame to her family. Behold the cancer that is TiK ToK.

The earrape that started it all.

Chris-Chan version.

Simpsons version.

Zelda version.

Yu-Gi-Oh version.

Metal Gear Solid 4 version.

Faggot version.

Glitter Puke version.

The standard reaction to this shitty song.

Previous Video | Next Video

On January 1, 2010, Ke$ha finally released Animal – Her debut studio album. Unfortunately, Animal was a resounding success and led to Ke$ha attaining a cult-following of edgy teenagers who began referring to themselves as "Animals".

After Ke$ha's success, a severely butthurt David Sonenberg and DAS Communications decided to file a $14,000,000 lawsuit against Ke$ha and Dr. Luke for breach of contract and tortious interference – Ironic, considering the fact that it was David Sonenberg himself who literally started this whole mess by interfering with Ke$ha's original contract.

ED's Virtual Ke$ha Concert Simulator About missing Pics

Made in Murika.
Nip slip.
After performing fellatio on Blue Man Group.
Meow!
Ke$ha is a role model to other sociopaths.

[Collapse GalleryExpand Gallery]

At least Ke$ha hates juggalos as much as we do.
Cultural appropriation.
Yiff in Hell.
Save the Tigers!
Save the Unicorns!
Banned in Malaysia!

Dear Daddy, GTFO

*Star Magazine* is not to be confused with *The Daily Star*.

In early 2011, a musician and professional Bruce Vilanch lookalike named Bob Chamberlain contacted the highly reliable news source known as Star Magazine and informed them that he was Ke$ha's father and had been in contact with her for years until she mysteriously broke off all contact with him at the age of 19 after he had helped her and her family move to Los Angeles.

Normally, we'd take anything written in one of Rupert Murdoch's shitty trash tabloids with a tablespoon of salt – But in this case, they actually published evidence that included photos of Bob with Ke$ha and Pebe and pictures of a Father's Day card that Ke$ha had given him. It's clear that, at the very least, Pebe convinced Bob that he is Ke$ha's biological father – Whether he really is, however, is best left as the subject of a Maury episode.

	“	I was in her life from the time she was born until she was 19 years old.	„
	—Bob Chamberlain, Ke$ha's daddy

	“	The contact ended, and I have no idea why.	„
	—Because Pebe

	“	Maybe someone around her thought it would be better to perpetuate those myths; I don't know.	„
	—Bob Chamberlain

Previous Quote | Next Quote

Pebe clearly believed that it would be better for her daughter's public image if she were the fatherless bastard child of a withered whore and a mysterious stranger – And like a true parasitic bitch, Pebe chose to have Bob help her family move to LA before giving him the finger and convincing her children to deny that he ever existed.

And they would have gotten away with it too if it weren't for those meddling Father's Day letters that Ke$ha wrote when she was a kid!

	“	Dear Dad, I had a great time with you. I had a great time with your parents too. I've been in school for 1 week of 1/2 days. This year I am going to do Art softball, girl scouts and gitur [sic] I <3 U see you soon Love Kesha The Kirov Cat Original design by Paul Stagg	„
	—Ke$ha's letter to daddy

Di3 L3g10n 0f n00dz

Deniz is a victim of German faceswirling technology.

We may never know the name of this mysterious hacker.

Around 2009, music industry executives were beginning to take to notice of a significant increase in the amount of songs being prematurely leaked onto the internets. The reason for this increase in leaked music was a 17-year-old, Turkish, über 133t h4xx0r living in Duisburg, Germany, by the name of DJ Stolen (a.k.a. Deniz A.) who had originally been attempting to hack into Lady Gaga's computer by sending out a phishing email with an attached trojan horse but, when he was unsuccessful in this endeavor, settled on hacking D-list poptarts like Ke$ha and Kelly Clarkson instead. Once he gained access to the singers' computers, DJ Stolen would DOWNLOAD FUCKING EVERYTHING and then post the stolen songs on the internets.

Eventually, DJ Stolen's activity on a forum called rmx4u led to him being contacted by a 22-year-old hacker named Cee (a.k.a. Christian M.), a fedora-wearing faggot from Wesel, Germany, who had actually managed to hack Lady Gaga's computer after taking Informatik III. Together, the two hackers then decided to start a website called iLeaks where they would leak snippets of unreleased tracks and then ask people to pay to download the full tracks – Which was made even more hilarious by the fact that some of the songs were priced at $2000 and there were actually some people who were stupid enough to pay that much for them.

	“	Have you smoked something bad? 750$ for a demo, it's totally ILLEGAL! The Fame kills, your stupidity is an evidence.	„
	—mynameis_GL's stupidity is evident.

	“	Britney's version of 'Telephone' is being held ransom for $750 by @ileaks!!!	„
	—oneofthosefaces, refusing to negotiate with terrorists.

	“	I could meet Britney Spears and have her sing Telephone to me for $750. You're ridiculous.	„
	—GeminiGotham believing that Britney Spears would want to be in the same room as him.

	“	why $750 for Britney and only $250 for Gaga songs, not fair for us fans :(	„
	—sloansterspears, failing to understand that Gaga sucks.

	“	why charge $750 no one will have that much monet spare!! please just leak the full untagged version at least for @britneyspears fans	„
	—Liam Lewis, plz give me free shit

	“	You want me to give you 750 dollars? leak it for free right now you bitch haha	„
	—Hey_Hayley, LEAK IT BITCH!

	“	$750? FUCK YOURSELF BITCH!	„
	—YanCarlosArias, FUCK YOURSELF BITCH!

	“	LOL ILEAKS WHAT IS THIS. YOU WANT ME TO PAY $750 TO DL THE BRITNEY DEMO?	„
	—Allison Kelly, understanding the concept yet still questioning it

	“	They're actually selling Britney's Telephone demo for $750 on iLeaks? Smh, daylight robbery!	„
	—aeh2, failing to understand the definition of "robbery"

	“	iLeaks is selling Then You'd Love Me for $1000. Wow.	„
	—Raff Colmenar, WOW!

	“	Are you seriously selling leaked tracks for $1000? .. what. the. hell?	„
	—e_6_2_1, wanting to know if srsly

	“	OMFG! Greatest and Then You'd Love Me are being sold on iLeaks for $2000 each!! i want them so bad!!!!	„
	—MattKillsxx, realizing that he can't afford such luxuries

	“	that's fast! now Greatest and Then You'd Love Me are each $1000 on iLeaks! Someone buy them please!	„
	—MattKillsxx, someone buy them because I'm poor and they're on sale!!111

	“	ileaks has decreased the songs price to 1000. jajaja funny	„
	—cristobalcb_, jajajajajajajajaja

Previous Quote | Next Quote

When the fuzz finally caught up with Deniz they found nearly $17,000 in his PayPal account from idiots who payed him big bucks for shitty 3-minute-long MP3s. The real treasure that Deniz had obtained during his escapades, however, wasn't music at all – It was the images that were stored on Ke$ha's computer, images that included numerous n00dz and photos of her boob job.

Wanting even moar attention, DJ Stolen then sent an email to her private email address in which he politely asked her to give him a shoutout if she wanted to keep her n00dz off the internets. After Ke$ha ignored him, DJ Stoled decided to prove that he was serious by leaking a picture of Ke$ha covered in cum. Now realizing that DJ Stolen was serious, Ke$ha sent him the following response in an attempt to keep the internet safe from more unsavoury images.

	“	hey i would love to do a shout out for you… how bout this… you keep my private pictures private, and ill give you a shout out/ drop… whatever you need for your dj set why dont you hit up my manager at **** cool?	„
	—Ke$ha attempts damage control

Ke$ha ultimately did give DJ Stolen the shoutout that he asked for, but a week later some more of Ke$ha's n00dz were leaked on a blog called Shirt Talkers. Oops! In an attempt to avenge Ke$ha's honour, yet another hacker then decided to join the party by hacking DJ Stolen's computer and then leaking his dox.

It was at this point that the German authorities finally made their move and stepped in to arrest Deniz and Christian. Because the young men apologized to Lady Gaga and were suffering from internet addiction, the court decided to be lenient and only sentenced them to 18 months in a German arserape dungeon followed by proper treatment for their autism.

	“	Dear Lady Gaga, I am ashamed of what I have done. I did not think about the consequences.	„
	—DJ Stolen experiences troll's remorse

	“	Yo whatup you already know it's ya girl Kesha and I'm in love with my boy --- DJ Stolen.	„
	—The shoutout that DJ Stolen wanted

	“	Hey this is DJ Stolen from Germany. I just wanna let you know that i love you so fucking much.	„
	—Part of Deniz' email to Ke$ha

	“	The Internet is more important to him than anything else, even more important than intimacy with his girlfriend.	„
	—Burkhard Benecken, on Deniz' internet addiction

	“	My client felt like he was in a movie. It is almost unbelievable that such a boy could hack into the accounts of superstars. He knows he made a mistake.	„
	—Burkhard Benecken

	“	I'm a fan and I just wanted to have cool music, I'm no blackmailer.	„
	—Deniz just wanted cool music!

	“	I am not a crook.	„
	—Richard Nixon

	“	Mein Leben!	„
	—Wolfenstein 3D

Previous Quote | Next Quote

Deniz consults with his LOLyer.
Deniz bling shame to famiry so he hide face!
Christian M. and his fedora.
M'lady
He looks like Milo Yiannopoulos in a fedora.
DJ Stolen: The Book: The Movie: The Game

Perez Hilton: Unmatchmaker

Perez Hilton, Ke$ha's greatest enemy until she finds this article.

Winston's, where Harold Karsenty worked.

Harold and Ke$ha inspired this Danish sex education book from the 1970s.

Harold enjoys a delicious bowl of Ke$ha Flakes.

Busted at Bamboozle by her sunglasses tan.

Perez Hilton's incredibly gay sense of humour.

Since her debut and the release of Animal, Ke$ha was a preferred target of celebrity blogger and professional homosexualist spic Perez Hilton. In March, 2010, Hilton was responsible for trending the hashtag #KeshaWho after it was learned that Ke$ha had insulted the far more talented Britney Spears in her leaked song Styrofoam.

Perez Hilton's attention to Ke$ha had since dwindled, but it was reignited when DJ Stolen leaked the first of Ke$ha's n00dz (possibly even sending it directly to Hilton himself).

	“	Kesha Nude And Covered In Cum!!!! Such a trashy whore!!! LOVE it!!!!	„

	“	Real or Photoshopped??? Sure looks real to us!!!! P.S. The person who leaked it also leaked one of her songs!!!!	„

Previous Quote | Next Quote

Eventually, in December of 2010, Perez stumbled upon the Shirt Lifters blog where the second batch of Ke$ha's n00dz had been leaked. He then did what any classy, self-respecting celebrity blogger would do and posted them on his blog for everyone to see.

Enter Harold Karsenty, the general manager at a Hollywood nightclub called Winston's and Ke$ha's ex boyfriend (they had already broken up sometime between July and September of 2010). Harold and Ke$ha had met sometime in 2007, most likely around the time that she was stealing IDs from the patrons of the bar that she worked at. As a strapping, young, bearded French man, Harold had long been a hit with the ladies – Including Britney Spears, who was hilariously b& from Winston's for her repeated antics and sexual harassment of the barmaids.

	“	Harold loved the attention at first, but after a while he got sick of it. … Britney caused nothing but drama.	„
	—An insider tells us about Britney Spears' drama.

The leaked photos from Shirt Talkers featured Ke$ha and Harold kissing each other on both the mouth and the twat. Strangely, Ke$ha decided to lay blame on Perez for her breakup with Harold – Despite the fact that they broke up before Perez released the second batch of n00dz.

	“	He single-handedly ruined the only relationship that’s ever meant anything to me.	„
	—Ke$ha, blaming Perez for the existence of her own n00dz

Several years later, Perez managed to get his hands on a picture of Ke$ha munching on some nuts that may explain the real reason for her breakup with Harold – She most likely cheated on him while she was on tour in New Jersey in early 2010.

Ke$ha enjoys a wiener.
Ke$ha is too hot for TV!
Ke$ha goes to Japan.
Ke$ha is exploitable.
Ke$ha vomits after eating stained glass.
The sunglasses that Ke$ha was seen wearing the previous day.

Some argue that this image is not actually Ke$ha and are merely a look alike – But we intend to prove them wrong.

The time stamp on the image suggests that the photo was taken on May 3, 2010, a day after Ke$ha played at the Bamboozle Rock Festival in New Jersey. Photos from the festival show that Ke$ha's makeup at the time was very similar to the makeup seen on the mystery sacksucker. Other photos from the festival show that Ke$ha was wearing sunglasses most of the time that she was there – Now notice how the sacksucker has a noticeable line across her nose that suggests she was recently wearing glasses.

Others have pointed out that the mystery sacksucker doesn't have a nosering – But we suspect that Ke$ha removed it so she didn't get it caught on the pencil-dick she was preparing to suck. Notice that there does appear to be a possible piercing in the sacksucker's nose, right where Ke$ha's piercing is.

	“	She upsets me. I love Ke$ha’s music, but I don’t like her. I hate the stupid dollar sign in her name. I hate the stupid nose ring. I hate the stupid makeup. I hate the fact that she looks like she smells and never showers.	„
	—Perez Hilton, saying what we all think.

	“	How sweet! She found someone who looks just as nasty as she is! The swamp thing otherwise known as Ke$ha has apparently found a he-swamp thing to do gross shiz for attention with!	„
	—Perez, on Ke$ha's new beardfriend

	“	We're totally digging this uncluttered version, but it does emphasize the fact that Kesha doesn't really sing, she just kinda talks and cracks her voice all over the palce [sic], creating a semi-melody… but the effect is still pleasing!	„
	—Perez, on Die Young (Deconstructed)

Previous Quote | Next Quote

Ke$ha Gear $olid 3: Beard Eater

Harold Karsenty, the original beard in Ke$ha's life.

Brad Ashenfelter, Ke$ha's current Harold replacement.

The moment Harold realized that Ke$ha was a fucking loon.

Harold marries Madison Hamile, a woman far serperior to Ke$ha.

Ke$ha did not react well to being dumped by Harold and quickly began a downward spiral of desperation and batshit insanity that included stalking Harold and his new girlfriend and writing several songs about him in a last ditch attempt to mend the only meaningful relationship that she had ever had in her sad, pathetic life.

On November 19, 2010, Ke$ha released Cannibal, her first extended play. Among the songs on it was The Harold Song, a song that was most likely written about Harold, where Ke$ha laments over having destroyed their relationship. The song was a not-so-surreptitious attempt to beg Harold into taking her back, but in the end it didn't work – Harold never took Ke$ha back and he eventually went on to marry a lawyer named Madison Paige Hamile in 2014.

	“	I miss your soft lips, I miss your white sheets I miss the scratch of your unshaved face on my cheek And this is so hard 'cause I didn't see That you were the love of my life and it kills me	„
	—Plz take me back plz!

	“	I see your face in strangers on the street I still say your name when I'm talking in my sleep And in the limelight I play it off fine But I can't handle it when I turn off my nightlight	„
	—Explaining why she fucks complete strangers

	“	They say that true love hurts Well, this could almost kill me Young love murdered, that is what this must be I would give it all to not be sleeping alone, alone	„
	—DO IT FAGGETTE

	“	The life is fading from me While you watch my heart bleed Young love murdered, that is what this must be I would give it all to not be sleeping alone, alone	„
	—Plz die

	“	Remember the time we jumped the fence when The Stones were playing and we were too broke to get in You held my hand and they made me cry while I swore to God it was the best night of my life	„
	—Ke$ha admits to criminal activity

	“	Or when you took me across the world we Promised that this would last forever but now I see It was my past life, a beautiful time Drunk off of nothing but each other 'til the sunrise	„
	—Also drunk off alcohol

Previous Quote | Next Quote

After realizing that Harold wouldn't take her slutty arse back, Ke$ha's already bizarre and disturbing behaviour escalated. In late 2011, she started a blog titled Put Your Beard In My Mouth (subtitled "That's An Order."), a Tumblr that's devoted to the worship of bearded men and contains many, many images of Ke$ha herself sucking on men's beards for some ungodly reason. Ke$ha was clearly unable to handle losing the love of her life and his facial hair.

	“	I like your beard.	„
	—Ke$ha likes your beard

	“	beard beard beard beard beard beard beard beard beard beard beard beard beard beard beard beard beard beard beeeaaaaard! it's a magical beard!!!!!!	„
	—Ke$ha's beard song

	“	I've always been into bearded dudes. Hello, I'm from Nashville, I'm into hillbillies.	„
	—Ke$ha likes hillbillies

Previous Quote | Next Quote

DA FUQ?

Ke$ha on Conan.

Previous Video | Next Video

I Like Your Beard About missing Pics

I like your beard.
I like your beard.
I like your beard.
I like your beard.
I like your beard.
I like your beard.
I like your beard.
I like your beard.

[Collapse GalleryExpand Gallery]

I like your beard.
I like your beard.
She even does it on television.
Is that a vibrator?
When one beard just isn't enough.
When two beards just aren't enough.
I like your beard.
Ke$ha meets the Beard Princess.
I wish to be the little beard.
I like your beards.
I like your beard.
Ke$ha loev beard.
In Soviet Russia, beards love Ke$ha!
Ke$ha and the Beard Overlord.
The man of Ke$ha's dreams.
beardkek
HAGGER?

Going Gein for Earth Day

Yes, that coat is clearly made from sweet murder.

Perez Hilton attempts to troll Ke$ha some more.

Ke$ha's very first toy was *My First Action Gein*.

Ke$ha urinates in the street so sewer rats won't catch herpes.

An ivory bottle similar to the one Ke$ha was caught smuggling.

The Republican party was murdered to make that bottle.

Department of Homeland Security! Drop the snuff bottle!

From a young age, Ke$ha was taught by her bleeding heart liberal mum that animals are important and humans are disposable trash who exist solely for the amusement of the mighty. As expected, this indoctrination caused Ke$ha to suffer permanent and irreversible brain damage that led her to become a vegan, join PETA and adopt more animals than Elmyra Duff.

In early 2011, Ke$ha decided that she should take up a new hobby – Collecting her fans' body parts and using them to make earrings, necklaces and brassieres.

	“	I've received 1 tooth from a fan. I made it into a neclace. But now I really wanna make a fan tooth necklace to wear to an awards show. So. What I'm getting at is please send me your teeth. I'm dead serious. I need your teeth.	„
	—Ke$ha needs your teeth

	“	I asked for them to send me their teeth and I got, like, over 1000 human teeth. I made it into a bra top, and a headdress, and earrings, and necklaces. I’ve worn it out! I love them! I call them my family, my animals. This whole record is for them. The book is for them.	„
	—Ke$ha, not being creepy at all

	“	I love it when people send me body parts.	„
	—Uhh...

	“	She helped me write a song about dismembering and eating men.	„
	—Ke$ha, on her mum

	“	I'm obsessed with serial killers. I read about them, I study them, I can't get enough.	„
	—Ke$ha is a threat to society

	“	I'm obsessed with Jeffrey Dahmer.	„
	—Ke$ha, on Jeffrey Dahmer

Previous Quote | Next Quote

The fact that Ke$ha is an animal rights activist is made even funnier when you realize that she's been polluting the world with glitter for years. The following expert advice from a Yahoo Answers contributor explains the proper course of action if your cat eats glitter.

	“	put her down humanely with a hammer.	„
	—Brandon, on what to do if your cat eats glitter

On April 14, 2011, Ke$ha appeared in a PETA ad campaign against Canadian seal clubbing.

SEALS JUST WANNA HAVE FUN

In 2012, Ke$ha was stopped by the Department of Homeland Security at LAX after she returned from a performance in Japan when it was discovered that she was attempting to smuggle a $500 ivory snuff bottle into the U.S.

	“	I think it's cool to wear roadkill. If I died and somebody wanted to wear my teeth around their neck to VMAs, I'd feel honored.	„
	—Ke$ha thinks fur is fine if you kill it with a truck

	“	You really can't stereotype people or put them in boxes, it's unfair.	„
	—Ke$ha, being a typical liberal whore

	“	I am a huge fan of the transgender community.	„
	—Ke$ha

	“	I think people should give in to what they feel like doing at the time and be a raw animal.	„
	—Ke$ha supports paedos molesting children because they feel like it

	“	I want a pig. I want a pig on a leash. A baby pig on a leash.	„
	—Ke$ha wants a slave

	“	played a show and there was a taxidermykangaroo wootwoot	„
	—Ke$ha

Previous Quote | Next Quote

Animal Rights Abuse About missing Pics

The Seberts' dogs.
The irony is that this coming from Cruelest Woman of the Year 2016.
Fuck fur!
Russian Reversal.
Slavery.
MAN THE HARPOONS

[Collapse GalleryExpand Gallery]

Not an acceptable lawn ornament.
An acceptable lawn ornament.
Ke$ha's friends don't drink Wilkins.
Bad things happen to those who don't drink Wilkins.

Die Young at Sandy Hook Elementary

Oh shit, my song got 26 people murdered! Should I pray to Satan every day or should I just attempt to lie my way out of this?

The 20 children sacrificed to give Ke$ha immortality.

She was "forced" to sing the lyrics that she wrote.

At some point during her career, Ke$ha was inducted into the ranks of an all-powerful Jewish cabal that controls fucking everything and has an unhealthy obsession with triangles and eyes and triangles with eyes. Founded in Bavaria on May 1, 1776, by a gentleman named Adam Weishaupt, the Illuminati have proudly provided conspiracy theorists with original content for at least 100 years. Ke$ha quickly rose through the ranks and, after multiple PRRROMOTIONS eventually achieved the title of Prima Illuminata (Latin for "pretty cool guy").

	“	I'm really the leader of the Illuminati. That's true.	„
	—Ke$ha admits to being the Prima Illuminata

On September 25, 2012, Ke$ha released a single entitled Die Young – A song that glamourizes the Madeleine McCann lifestyle of partying hard one day and being brutally murdered by your abusive mummy and paedophile daddy the next. The music video for Die Young contained a myriad of Illuminati and Satanic symbolism.

Some argued that Die Young was actually an Illuminati mind control technique – A suspicion that was confirmed several months after its release when Ke$ha tweeted in an attempt to distance herself from the Illuminati and voiced her desire to sacrifice children to Satan.

	“	I didnt join illuminati.i just wanted to prove that they dont exist.now lets kill some children for satan!! weeeeeeeee animalzzz	„
	—Ke$ha allegedly made this tweet in November 2012, a month before the lulz

Soon after that, a young man by the name of Adam Lanza, widely believed to have been Ke$ha's #1 fan, would go on to develop an obsession with Die Young and its disturbingly nihilistic message that life is short and should be used as an opportunity to go for the high score. A few months later Adam Lanza would equip his trusty Bushmaster, shoot his mum in the face and embark on a spiritual journey to cleanse Sandy Hook Elementary of prepubescent scum.

It wasn't long after Adam embarked on his holy and righteous genocide crusade and became a martyr that various respectable news outlets began to realize that, when Die Young is played backwards, Ke$ha actually says "Sandy Hook" a total of 6 times! OMG!!!11 Did Ke$ha know about Sandy Hook before it even happened!?!11 Did Ke$ha's music drive an innocent young man to murder 26 people!?!11

A drugged-out hippie explains the conspiracy.

The truth about Sandy Hook.

Proof that Ke$ha planned to sacrifice children.

Mark Dice reveals Ke$ha's Illuminati connection.

Mark Dice is butthurt by Ke$ha's Satanism

Die Young

The disturbingly popular furfag version.

Previous Video | Next Video

Needing to distance herself from the Illuminati's child-sacrifice ritual, Ke$ha then decided that she would accuse Dr. Luke of writing Die Young and then "forcing" her to sing it – Problem solved!

	“	my heart goes out deeply to the people of Newtown, Connecticut.	„
	—Ke$ha

	“	I'm so so so sorry for anyone who has been effected by this tragedy.and I understand why my song is now inappropriate. words cannot express.	„
	—Ke$ha apologizes for murdering 20 kids.

	“	I did NOT want to sing those lyrics and I was FORCED TO.	„
	—Ke$ha, lying

Previous Quote | Next Quote

However, Ke$ha soon began to feel troll's remorse and admitted that "forced" was a slight exaggeration.

	“	After such a tragic event I was feeling a lot of emotion and sadness when I said I was forced to sing some of the lyrics to Die Young. Forced is not the right word. I did have some concerns about the phrase “die young” in the chorus when we were writing the lyrics especially because so many of my fans are young and that’s one reason why I wrote so many versions of this song. But the point of the song is the importance of living every day to the fullest and staying young at heart, and these are things I truly believe.	„
	—Ke$ha

Hahaha, just kidding! She actually backtracked because she remembered that her own autobiography contained proof that she had actually written the lyrics herself.

	“	Toward the end of the recording for Warrior we started to really figure out how to meld the sounds of rock and roll and dance music. That's when “Die Young” was born. I was trying to channel the Rolling Stones and Neil Young, but also make it sound electronic and danceable at the same time. I worked on the song with Nate Ruess, the lead singer from the band Fun., as well as Benny and Luke.	„
	—Ke$ha's autobiography, My Crazy Beautiful Life

	“	The song has a really organic sound, and I love the way it explodes into a party track. We recorded the song at Luke's house and did group vocals for the sing-along bridge together in Luke's garage.	„
	—Ke$ha's autobiography, My Crazy Beautiful Life

	“	I rewrote the words a thousand times until I found something simple that felt right. The song captured the underlying message of the whole album: believe in yourself and celebrate life to its fullest. When I sing “Like we're gonna die young,” I'm promising that no matter how old I get, I'm never going to lose my youthful spirit.	„
	—Ke$ha's autobiography, My Crazy Beautiful Life

	“	I definitely make sure that every word rings true to me because I would never want to misrepresent myself to millions of people around the world. I wrote and rewrote and rewrote that song ten times.	„
	—Ke$ha, in an interview on 95.5 WPLJ several weeks before Sandy Hook

Previous Quote | Next Quote

KE$HA DID SANDY HOOK

Breaking Beard

Why would you ever think that she was an addict?

A visual representation of Ke$ha's downward spiral.

At some point, Ke$ha began secretly dating Darren Craig, the unwashed director of several of her music videos including the video for Die Young. Darren, a fat, middle aged, divorced father was supposedly the last person you'd expect to see Ke$ha dating – but he had a cunting beard and the mere thought of that got Ke$ha wet and horny. Their secret relationship continued for over a year but, like all of Ke$ha's relationships, it eventually fell apart.

Ke$ha took the breakup surprisingly well (i.e. she didn't accuse him of rape) and began a downward spiral of alcoholism and writing mean songs about Darren and his his tiny penis.

	“	Right now my new songs are more dude-oriented, because I recently had this boy just be a total piece of shit, douchebag piece of garbage to me. He’s just a lying sack of shit, balls, shit-filled ballsack, he’s just a giant pair. And he has a tiny penis, and he sucks real bad, so I’m writing about that.	„
	—Ke$ha reveals that Darren Craig has a tinycock

	“	I blocked him, because he was being such a fucking psychopathic piece of garbage dogshit. So I wrote a song called ‘Fuck You,’ but then that title was already taken, so ‘U Suck Ass’ is another title. It’s talking about fake orgasms every time I had sex with him, and how I pawned all the diamonds he bought me in Vegas and bought some Chanel earrings.	„
	—Ke$ha also lies about orgasms

	“	Don't fuck with me. Out of all the bitches to fuck with. I'll write a whole album and tell somebody in an interview all about you, all the fake orgasms, tiny wieners. Don't fuck with me.	„
	—DON'T. FUCK. WITH. KE$HA. ROSE. SEBERT.

Previous Quote | Next Quote

	“	She might be crazy and she might get shit-faced drunk, but everyone does. She might have a few drinks here and there. But she doesn’t have a drinking problem.	„
	—Pebe Sebert, going through the first stage of grief

Previous Quote | Next Quote

I Am Whorier

True warriors wear the teeth of their fallen foes.

This shit makes bad box art Megaman look good.

*Crazy Kids* is a song about homosexual space negroes.

	“	Warrior-ior-ior-ior-ior-ior-ior-ior-ior-ior-ior-ior-ior-ior-ior-ior-ior-ior-ior-ior-ior-ior-ior-ior-ior-ior-ior-ior-ior-ior-ior-ior-ior-ior-ior-ior-ior	„
	—The lyrics to Warrior

	“	wailing on an EPIC track with @thedoctorluke & @itsbennyblanco THIS is the dawn of a new genre of music: COCK POP!!!	„
	—Ke$ha

	“	On one song we worked on for Warrior, my mom suggested a line about sexual exploits with the Sesame Street characters Bert and Ernie.	„
	—Ke$ha, explaining why Warrior blew arse.

Previous Quote | Next Quote

The making of Whorior.

It sucked because Pebe wrote it.

Previous Video | Next Video

My Crazy Beautiful Reality Show

Ke$ha travels to Alaska to date Grizzly Adams.

Ke$ha realizes that her piss tastes like piss.

On April 23, 2013, MTV began airing Ke$ha: My Crazy Beautiful Life, a reality television series that revolved around the Seberts' daily life. The show had the astoundingly high production quality that one would expect from the network that brought us such beloved classics as Jackass, Beavis and Butt-head and The Brothers Grunt – Not surprising when you realize that the show consisted entirely of Lagan Sebert's crappy home video footage of his sister's assorted antics and criminal behaviour over the previous two years.

Some of the show's numerous memorable and heartwarming moments include Ke$ha drinking her own urine, having her concert protested by the fine members of Westboro Baptist Church and traveling to the faraway land of Alaska to track down a potential mate – A man who is known as "Bear Man" (Powerword: Casey Anderson) and his pet bear (Powerword: Brutus the Bear).

As expected of a hypocritical animal rights activist such as Ke$ha, this results in Brutus getting a can of cheap Buttgeyser beer poured down his throat.

First season trailer.

SHUT UP! SHUT THE FUCK UP!

Ke$ha drinks her own urine.

GOD HATES FAGS

Perez Hilton makes Ke$ha cry like a little bitch... again.

Even bears think Ke$ha's "music" sucks arse.

BUUUUURP.

Ke$ha talks to Jimmy Kimmel about vaginal ghosts.

Previous Video | Next Video

	“	Because I exude energy, dead entities cling to me. I had a spirit follow me into my house. You see it in the show. Things were flying off the shelf. That's not bullshit, that really happened. So my healer, she had to literally give me an exorcism. I know that sounds crazy, but it worked.	„
	—Ke$ha, on her haunted vagoo

	“	Either my vagina is haunted, or I'm pregnant with a ghost baby.	„
	—Ke$ha, failing sex ed and confusing a uterus with a vagina.

Previous Quote | Next Quote

Kesha Blows by Charles Albert

Jewellery designer and likely paedophile Charles Albert.

What could be the inspiration for her jewellery line?

What her jewellery line could have been.

Having found fame, Ke$ha began working with designer Charles Albert to create the Kesha Rose by Charles Albert collection – A line of hilariously overpriced "designer jewellery" that was designed to embody everything that makes Ke$ha She R Who She R.

The big question that was floating over everyone's heads now – What exactly would one include in a jewellery line that's designed to embody a fugly, cock-hungry Illuminata who believes her vagina to be haunted and has an unhealthy obsession with glitter? That question would be answered in the week leading up to the line's release date as Ke$ha began posting a series of countdown images.

7 days until Kesha Rose by Charles Albert.

6 days until Kesha Rose by Charles Albert.

5 days until Kesha Rose by Charles Albert.

4 days until Kesha Rose by Charles Albert.

3 days until Kesha Rose by Charles Albert.

2 days until Kesha Rose by Charles Albert.

Tomorrow is the day. Kesha Rose by Charles Albert.

Today is the day. Kesha Rose by Charles Albert.

PENIS! GET YOUR PENIS!

No moar penis.

Previous Image | Next Image

	“	I love boys and I love penises. It’s natural that I’d want to adorn my body with them.	„
	—Ke$ha

	“	Who isn't amused by a giant, dancing penis? Sometimes when I'm sad, I make my assistant put on the penis outfit and bounce around my house.	„
	—Ke$ha, on penisraping her assistant

Previous Quote | Next Quote

That's right – Part of her jewellery line was based on cocks and many of the items sold out almost immediately. Other pieces from the collection included skulls, Illuminati symbolism, fossils, roses and recreations of one of her fans' teeth that had been given to her as a gift.

Kesha Rose by Charles Albert About missing Pics

Petite Penis Ring - $12.00
Skull Ring - $45.00
First Grader's Art Project - $75.00
Brass Knuckles - $90.00
A Big Fucking Tooth - $135.00
Adept Bracelet of Conjuration - $180.00
Another Weapon - $195.00
Edgar Allan Poe Fan Bracelet - $210.00

[Collapse GalleryExpand Gallery]

"Wonderland Cuff" - $285.00
Cultural Appropriation - $600.00
Eye of Providence - E PLURIBUS UNUM
8===D~~~
Schutzstaffel - Priceless
The One Ring - Precious!
A "limited edition" bag to store this crap in - $5.00
For everything else.

Look like the dick that you are.™

Would You Please Sign My Petition?

She had money and fame, but she didn't have moar money.

The shitbus is a prime example of Care2's brand of "activism".

Having finally tasted the fame that comes with appearing on MTV and having your own phallic jewellery line, Ke$ha began to realize that she could be making a lot more money than she was getting out of the shitty record contract that she signed with Dr. Luke before she was famous. Ke$ha then began using her reality show as a soapbox to voice her complaints about how Dr. Luke was stifling her creativity and how she felt like a puppet with Dr. Luke's greedy Jewish hands stuffed up her fat fucking arse.

Shortly after Ke$ha began her whining, a petition entitled Let Ke$ha have creative freedom was started on Care2 – A liberal slacktivist hellhole that has a notorious reputation for taking credit for things that aren't actually the result of the shitty petitions on their shitty site.

The creator of the petition, one Rebecca Pimmel, provided the following tl;dr explanation for her petition.

It's no surprise that Ke$ha's craft of storytelling through music moves fans around the world. It's also nothing new that Ke$ha gets "bullied" as being one dimensional, or a one trick pony. "With Warrior, I want to show people I can write and sing" I think you can't really see Ke$ha's creativity and talent when it's being covered and controlled by higherarchy [sic]. It's no surprise that Ke$ha is "forced" to work with the same collective group of people, through each record. Dr. Luke is controlling ke$ha like a puppet, feeding her what she doesn't want, and her creativity is dwindling and affected negativity. In the first season of My Crazy Beautiful life, while showing the creative process behind Warrior, Ke$ha is shown recording the track Machine Gun Love, which was later turned down by the albums executive producers for it being too different and not being a sound that she's known for.

Ke$ha makes it clear that her producer, Dr. Luke, is stunting her from growing as an artist by making her sing the same generic, predictable, recycled, pop song. Ke$ha also confesses that she has no say whatsoever in what makes the album not to mention what's released as a single which every artist should have a say in. Adding on, with the release of two of the singles Luke hand selected, they received no positive social media promotion or support, during their releases to radio as he did with his other stars he worked with. So many factors can be put together, and you can almost say and assume that Luke is almost trying to dismantle her career. "She struggles with the idea with why can't I make the music that I want to make" Wayne Coyne tells Billboard about Ke$ha's dilemma with her and her producer involving her music. He admits her creation is raw and genuine, and sees a side of her that doesn't care about the hit pop songs and marketing. Overall, Ke$ha just wants to be able to freely express her opinions through her music, and show sides of her she's been waiting to reveal since record one.

The numerous cries for help have been indicitave [sic] that all she wants is to make music that makes her and her fans happy, and nothing that's forced and blunt. When Ke$ha, young and naive at the age of 18, was signed to Luke's 8 album contract, it's obvious that she was unaware of the severe pop puppeteer act she was soon to play by. What our fear as her fans should be is that she will soon lose interest in playing this industry game and stop releasing music under the tyrannical finger of Dr. Luke. I don't think Ke$ha can make it any clearer that she wants the world to hear her music and not the pop factory's unauthentic, soulless babble she is forced to call hers. Even listening to her unreleased song Dancing with the Devil should be enough evidence of Luke's evil ways.

So who exactly is Rebecca Pimmel and why does she sound like she possesses insider knowledge about the contract dispute and about Ke$ha's career? Not surprisingly, it turned out that none of the supposed "journalists" who had covered Ke$ha's story had ever actually attempted to verify the identity of this "Rebecca Pimmel" – So we were forced to do some serious original research to get to the bottom of this mystery.

Let's begin by reviewing Rebecca Pimmel's Twitter account.

	“	46 and two kids. lover of life. bitch google me.	„
	—Rebecca Pimmel's Twitter bio

A police sketch of what Rebecca Pimmel may look like IRL.

Wait, why is a 46-year-old Mum I'd Never Fuck who looks closer to 70 starting such a detailed petition about a pop-star whose prime demographic is gay Hispanic teenagers? Unfortunately for Rebecca, we decided to use The Google just as she herself had suggested, and what we found out was shocking – REBECCA PIMMEL DOESN'T ACTUALLY EXIST OMGWTFBBQ!!111

Not only does Rebecca's website not exist, but the domain has never even been registered! The photo on her Twitter account is actually stolen from an article featured on The Observer and depicts a woman named Susan Broom! And perhaps most shocking of all is the fact that "Pimmel" actually means "penis" in German!

Armed with this new information, an Encyclopædia Dramatica investigative reporter decided to confront the Twitterverse with this evidence and the theory that "Rebecca Pimmel" is actually be a sockpuppet belonging to either Ke$ha or Pebe Sebert. It didn't take long before "Rebecca Pimmel" herself took notice and kindly offered us the following response.

	“	shut the hell up. i made this account to protect my identity. you can follow me at @imaustinbye	„
	—Rebecca Germancock, responding to our inquiry

This, however, makes absolutely no sense since it implies that Austin made up an entire fake identity and then immediately posted the petition on Twitter using his real identity. Rebecca and Austin then proceeded to ignore repeated requests to provide evidence of the assertion that they're the same person – Nice try!

	“	"Rebecca Pimmel" has requested we all sign this petition, so lets do this for HER	„
	—Austin Dean, putting Rebecca's name in quotes and referring to her as "HER"

The #FreeKesha Bowel Movement

On March 29, 2013, a young Ke$ha fan named Austin Ryan Dean leaked one of Ke$ha's unreleased songs onto his SoundCloud account – A song that Austin, who is clearly not h4xx0r material, surely received from an individual who was personally involved in the process of making the song.

The song, Dancing With the Devil, would go on to become one of the Animals' biggest pieces of "evidence" against Dr. Luke – Solely because they personally interpret the lyrics of the song as being about Luke abusing Ke$ha.

A few days after the Care2 petition was posted, an account named FreeKeshaLuke, owned by a faggot named Mike Eisele (a.k.a. Michael Anthony and mikeisstraight) joined Twitter and began offering to leak more of Ke$ha's unreleased songs for each milestone that the petition hit. It was at this point that fans began spamming the petition with signatures because OMG FREE MUSIC!!111

	“	The "Creative Freedom Movement" is to raise awareness that Ke$ha actually has talent, and to prove that she isn't just a one trick pony.	„
	—Mike Eisele, thinking that Ke$ha has talent

Fuck Fake Hippies

I Threw Up in Paris Hilton's Closet

Previous Video | Next Video

Oddly, Michael Eisele is actually from Sandy Hook, Connecticut – You know, that place where Adam Lanza sacrificed 20 children.

Learn to hold the sign correctly, you fucking idiot.

The creepy little toad known as Steven Greenstreet.

On September 29, 2013, it became perfectly clear that the shit was hitting the fan when the director of Ke$ha: My Crazy Beautiful Life, a midget stoner named Steven Greenstreet, tweeted several photos of the crowd at Ke$ha's latest concert – The images showed numerous fans holding signs that said things like "Fuck Dr. Luke".

	“	It’s come to this. #KeshaFans	„
	—Steven Greenstreet

As Ke$ha's accusations against Dr. Luke kept becoming more and more bizarre, her fans and a ragtag assortment of white knights began the hashtag and so-called "movement" known as #FreeKesha (pronounced: freak-show)

The #FreeKesha hashtag was originally created after the 2013 MTV Movie Awards when rumours started circulating that Ke$ha and Snoop Dogg were arrested after blazin' it on stage but was soon re-purposed to "help" Ke$ha get out of her contract with Kemosabe Records and to act as a Personal Army to the almighty Queen Ke$ha.

Much like the supporters of Black Lives Matter, #FreeKesha supporters believe that they're actually helping to make the world a better place by sitting behind their keyboard all day long and making the same stupid Tweets over and over again.

The daily routine of the average #FreeKesha supporter includes whining about rape culture and patriarchy, harassing and threatening anyone who disagrees with them,

	“	Not really. What's been put out as singles have just perpetuated a particular image that may or may not be entirely accurate. I'd like to show the world other sides of my personality. I don't want to just continue putting out the same song and becoming a parody myself. I have so much more to offer than that and I can't wait till the world really gets to hear that on the radio.	„
	—Ke$ha, telling Rolling Stone that she lacks creative control

The Making of a Celebrity Fridge-Wreck

Timberline Knolls, rehab facility and vacation destination.

Ke$ha after a long night of drugs and partying.

Ke$ha can also be used as an emergency flotation device.

A stock image of a refrigerator for comparison.

By early 2014, Ke$ha had become enough of a celebrity train wreck that she was finally accepted into Timberline Knolls – An exclusive, women-only, rehab facility and country club in Lemont, Illinois. She used this opportunity to her advantage and began telling the doctors that Dr. Luke was an emotionally, physically and sexually abusive monster who had been holding her captive for years. She also began writing a series of letters to her fans where she claimed that her bulimia was triggered by Dr. Luke calling her a "Fat Fucking Refrigerator" during the Die Young music video shoot in 2012.

	“	She alone is responsible for her weight issues. Whether it's being overweight or creating an eating disorder, she did it all to herself. It's called personal responsibility honey. So someone called you fat...big deal. If you had any strength of character you wouldn't crumble so easily. Besides, it's not her weight she needs to worry about, it's her grotesque face.	„
	—Molly, explaining that name-calling doesn't fucking cause bulimia

	“	Brittany so Im here at treatment coloring like a 5 year old :) - your letter made me cry... Im so lucky to have you, and my animals, as support - I sometimes feel like there is just so much pressure to look and be perfect - but I cant be. I can only be who I am thank you for the letter - It means alot to me. Im very lonely here - but I hopefully will come out of here kicking serious ass - that's the goal at least	„
	—Letter to Brittany Kiefer, part 1

	“	I just have lost Control of healthy perspective when ~~Luke~~ someone I work with called me a fucking refridgedator [sic] (spelling?) and he made fun of my body and weight - it was just so hurtful - so, here I am - trying to undo some of the damage those music business FUCKERS have done to my brain - time to put my $ where my mouth is - & be a WARRIOR. thank u again much love X K	„
	—Letter to Brittany Kiefer, part 2

	“	PS - Im very happy you and your mom have combated your cuting [sic] issues together be strong for me + I will be strong for u. <3	„
	—Letter to Brittany Kiefer, part 3

	“	Annie - yes, Dr Luke has tortured me & my family... he did do what people know about + SO much more terrible shit But I have to live by my own words and be a warrior & be PROUD of my perfectly imperfect body & self thank you for the love and letter. I couldnt have done it without you & my animals. MUCH LOVE XX Kesha	„
	—Letter to Annie Gallo

	“	first of all you are so sweet and adorable! - I definately [sic] cried when I read your letter and now have ur pictures up on my wall <3<3<3 I love you very much and need this support so much right now. Someone I work with has literally driven me into this disease, tortured me, and fucked with me and my family, So Im here taking time getting my MAGIC BACK DAMNIT	„
	—Letter to Kelly Mullin, part 1

	“	DONT GIVE A FUCK - I CANT LET THEM WIN "THEM" - THE MAN - THE HATERS - ALL THE NEGATIVE FUCK IT. I gotta stay goLD. U too babe - STAY GOLD AND REDICULOUS <3 U [Illegible] Kesha	„
	—Letter to Kelly Mullin, part 2

	“	Paige - your package melts my <3. [Eye] <3 U going into treatment was hard but Im so happy I did it - Dr Luke has TORTURED me (and my family) for 9 years now. he called me fat and replaceable he just made me feel like garbage, but my WHOLE being is all about loving ourselves & eachother	„
	—Letter to Paige Monteforte, part 1

	“	and I couldnt sit back and lie to my fans or myself - these music business assholes (well, Dr Luke,) had almost successfully crushed my MAGIC. But that fucker didnt win. :) Im taking some time to love myself again - and having packages like yours come makes it not so hard :) thank you for the love & support <3<3<3 Kesha	„
	—Letter to Paige Monteforte, part 2

	“	Connor - hey love - thank you so much for the letter - I do remember you :) Im here working out some emotional trauma + abuse, there is someone I work with that is SO abusive. BUT I have to be a fucking warrior love myself. so thank u for the support and love. its very needed and appreciated right now. Stay rediculously [sic] MAGICAL XX Kesha	„
	—Letter to Connor Patterson

	“	Lex - thats amazing the work you do - and thank you so so so much for the letter of love and support - it means alot. I have just been degraded and emotionally destroyed by someone I work with. It drove me fucking CRAZY I wasnt even being myself. So I had to get help to reconnect to ME. So thank u for the support. STAY GOLDEN LOVE X Kesha	„
	—Letter to Lex Ellenthal

	“	Natalie! thank you for the Sweet package - you and your friend and little sister are so sweet & considerate - I couldnt HANDLE Dr Luke torturing me about my body any longer - it drove me to a Serious eating disorder - So NOW I have to live up to my own words and message, and be a WARRIOR, and its hard, but U R TOO, so U inspire ME. keep up your healthy life and	„
	—Letter to Natalie Young, incomplete

	“	Lauren! thank you for the letter of support - It means alot & Im SO sorry about your struggles too, BUT WE R WARRIORS. dammit :). and I know society & haters SUCK, but Fuck them. Im learning to love myself again, even tho Dr Luke has tortured me.so here I am, But thank GOD I have you &	„
	—Letter to Lauren, incomplete

	“	my dearest Mckenzie, thank you for the letter and the essay! youre adorable and an absolute Sweetheart - Im here facing the deamons [sic] that have been trying to consume me, and the thing I miss the most - almost unbareably [sic] - is getting to talk to my fans. SO - thank u for taking the time to send me an old school letter. Im lonely in here, but its importent [sic] for me to practice what I preach. to be a fucking WARRIOR, for real.	„
	—Letter to Mckenzie Bragg, part 1

	“	a lot of people think its always so glamorous, but behind the scenes I have been emotionally traumatized. I have been ridiculed for my body by the very person I make so so much money for. It became too much of a mind fuck. Im here sorting out what is true and what is bullshit. really taking the time to get to know myself and love myself - NOT listen to those music business bastards.	„
	—Letter to Mckenzie Bragg, part 2

	“	and after reading ur letter, u should be proud of growing up in a one parent home - and proud of ur mom. I bet she's a badass - you definately [sic] are :) much love and thanks again. Stay rediculously [sic] fucking magical. XX Kesha	„
	—Letter to Mckenzie Bragg, part 3

	“	Dearest Sweet Animal, This is a picture of me, on my home planet. I look like a cross between a TURD and a RAISIN there! We don't talk on my home planet. We communicate with thoughts. I was sent to earth to be a HUMAN Spoke's person for the ANIMALS. Little did I know, at the time, that there were human animals as well.	„
	—Pebe's batshit insane letter to Penn Shelly, part 1

	“	Thank you for your love. The greatest gift you could give ME, is to LOVE YOURSELVES. LOVE IS ALL that is REAL on both the earth and my native planet. TRUTH IS ALL that we can hear, with our ears or our minds. I am learning new methods for Loving myself and I am finding my OWN truth now and learning to listen with my Heart, not my mind. <3<3<3 I LOVE YOU	„
	—Pebe's batshit insane letter to Penn Shelly, part 2

	“	First and foremost I’m a writer: that’s what has gotten me this far, and that’s what I’ll be doing till I die.	„
	—Ke$ha, proving that she's delusional

	“	I’m a writer	„
	—Let that sink in

Previous Quote | Next Quote

Even if Dr. Luke had called her a "Fat Fucking Refrigerator" as she claims, the following image of Ke$ha's appearance in the Die Young music video should leave no doubt that it was said sarcastically.

Memoirs of a Ke$ha About missing Pics

[Collapse GalleryExpand Gallery]

Annie Gallo
Connor Patterson
Natalie and Lauren Young's letters.
Moar.
Even moar.
MOAR!
Paige Monteforte
Part 2.
Paige's tattoo.
Penn Shelly (Pebe)
Pebe's "art".

BUT WAIT, THERE'S MOAR!

Much like how Harry Potter refused to die after seven fucking books and a shitload of horrible fan fiction – The story of Ke$ha refused to end with just one page worth of lulz on Encyclopædia Dramatica. You can read the next chapter of the Ke$ha $aga at Kesha/Lawsuit or by clicking on the overused meme below.