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Wurm Online is just another one of those shitty fantasy MMORPGS or how many abbreviations can fit into a description of a fucking game. It is not too dissimilar from other games, the main difference being that the gameplay itself is shit and that it is the failed brother of Minecraft. The game community is one of the worst on the internet, the Wurm forum actually being the game itself whereas the game is a waiting room for the trolls. They are compared with the French often, and with good reason, that being they are the most pretentious fucks known to man. Notch is the guy who actually created the game, but Rolf Jannson took it over and put it into his own shitty direction. Wurm Online stayed shitty while Notch went off and created Minecraft as a big middle finger to Rolf.

Gameplay

Imagine Minecraft. Now imagine that there is no 3D but the game makes it look like there is. Now imagine that every single item and tool you make is from absolute fucking scratch and takes 4 hours to make and improve to the point where you are an autistic basement dweller. Imagine graphics and sound so shitty it makes RuneScape look like Crysis. Of course the community says the gameplay is awesome but such claims are absolute bullshit.

Terraforming

The shit Wurm players use to dig the land since you cannot make tunnels or anything similar, just being able to raise and lower the corners of tiles. You can do this to a certain point, before it becomes impossible to raise it further by dumping soil on it. However there is a well used exploit by the community which allows them to bypass this and build really massive spikes and walls that serve absolutely no fucking purpose whatsoever. The exact opposite can be done to create pits, which too were fair game till the game developer tried to fix them by stopping the bug in which you bounced around down there and died. Of course, players bitched about it and of course it still isn't fixed. For massive damage drop heaps of sand onto fields and flat-raised land.

Crafting

This is claimed to be a very strong point of the game, by simply clicking twice every 30 seconds for 5 hours you can make amazing items. Surely it is the most shitty way you can play a fucking game, but the Wurm community sure thinks otherwise. Recently Rolf tried to speed up the timers and make the game at least a little bit enjoyable, but the faggots complained that it was ruining the game. Furthermore most of the crafting system consists of some weird, fucked up bizarre illogical things that is defined as "Wurm Logic"

Combat

The combat in Wurm Online is hailed by its playerbase for innovation and breathtaking action, while in reality you sit and watch your animation-less character beat on an inanimate model until it dies. Player versus player combat is slightly more interesting in which you're the one getting ganked by several highly overpowered players. God forbid that you do get a victory, as you will be reported to the admins and proceed to be permanently banned. In recent updates, Rolf has improved combat by nerfing the gank bonus you had when you outnumbered the enemy, further allowing the overpowered players to get anything they want while leaving the short end of the stick to new players. Of course, changes like this have been praised by the ass-licking elitist community for fear of being rewarded, and will continue to be praised until even the elitist players realise that their glorious Wurm Online has been ruined by themselves.

World

There is of course the world that the players play on. In the beginning it resembles Sweden, but it has been deformed to looking like absolute shit. Notch did actually help work on it, and the only map left that he made is Wild. The other maps however are absolutely horrible. Each map, minus the Golden Valley map is 16km and is an island with no rivers and snow often appearing next to desert. There is a constant water level which is fresh no matter where you are, even if it's in the middle of the town shitter. Therefore one could argue that Rolf Janson drinks human feces which could be his inspiration for this, for he suffers no ill effects.

Servers

In Wurm there are 3 servers, which are Wild, Freedom and Golden Valley. The first was created especially for the faggots that play the game to fight and bitch around, and is full of trolls. The second is a place for people to do nothing but bitch, while the third was made specially in case of raids. Something Awful, /v/ and Facepunch Studios have all raided the game and some founded longer lasting settlements. However what ended up happening was Wild became a mess where the largest kingdom rules the island while the other two whine and cry all the time. Freedom ended up being run by morons as it was evidenced that such a server would need morons to watch over the retards. Golden Valley ended up degenerating into suburban explorer, filled with piles of shit and decaying houses everywhere while people fought over ownership of trees and anvils. Rolf looked at these problems, and came to the conclusion that he would do absolutely fucking nothing useful to fix this, So he turned it into a tutorial area. Rumours persist of retards who refuse to leave the now out-of-bounds areas on the server.

Wild

Jenn Kellon

In Wild, the largest kingdom is Jenn Kellon. Using the power of dirt they managed to build a wall over 9000 metres high around their capital city and started to conquer the island. One of the towns is called CAPSALOT and is a exact replica of the fascist state of Germany when Hitler was in power. There aren't any Jews there for some reason. Another well known town is Tyre. Much like old Woodscove their E-peen became so massive it collapsed on their heads, causing neural damage. Jen-Kellon specialize in using exploits, having the most players banned in recorded history, and generally spend more time programming new hacked clients for the game then actually playing. One of it's main players, Gavin, is a master of macroing and, although he claims this to be irrelevant, fellatio.

Their kingdoms greatest source of income is Doughboy, a super massive interstellar formation consisting of mainly cake and hydrogen gas. He is most renowned for stealing 40 gold coins traders and subsequently crashing the Wurm economy. The combined funds stolen from Rolf is calculated to be around 4,000 euros, although it's believed that Doughboy spends this much revenue on the game monthly regardless.

Mol Rehan

File:Lazytown jew kid.jpg

A Mol Rehan player, note the piggy bank which indicates financial backing.

This is the kingdom which is much like the collection of aspies at a school. They are all special apparently and strive to conquer the entire map. However they fail miserably at even being taken seriously. They have a school of combat which basically teaches autofight. Most of their military successes come from either planting deeds with heavy guards or complaining to Rolf that a bug caused them to lose. Rolf of course is MR biased and a Game moderator runs the capital of Mol Rehan. This game moderator bans anybody who makes fun of Mol Rehan and has been trolled for a long time.

Mol Rehan is essentially a very very shit kingdom. Most of the people there would not think twice to remove this article because it made them angry. Horton also regularly bans anybody he doesn't like. One day he banned somebody, and the other mods disagreed with this so he had his game moderator status removed. He is still Chancellor of Mol Rehan and a forum moderator however.

Horde of the Summoned

This used to be a good kingdom. It rolled everything and made MR run back home to hide in their towns where they continued to slap their wrists and make noises like a wounded walrus. MR then got Dadd to plant a huge deed next to the HotS capital (Which was probably bigger than the capital itself) and then attacked it, using the protection of the deed they eventually managed to destroy the city. And since then, due to a multitude of other factors, this kingdom went into decline. A player called Daolin took over as emperor and did a terrible job. He only logged in every week for 3 months so he didn't lose emperor title. Recently they nearly lost a mountain but eventually managed to find it again.

Forum Trolls arranged in order of faggotry

Gorbachyov

The HOTS kingdom is full of losers. One such loser is a player called Gorbachyov. He is a well known emo player who specialises in being a complete faggot and making himself feel superior to other people. He set up a small town with some bitch one day, it was so terrible that it got continually attacked by one person at a time. The island today is still walked over because Gorbachyov is such a bad player. He is also on Facepunch under the alias "Telepathi". Consequently everybody hates him there as well.

Tylerd

One of the whiniest of the forum trolls, Tylerd is a player who has quit the game for many months but remains on the forum, much like the splotches of sperm that will never quite be removed from his carpet. He has claimed that he received out of game death threats, most likely as a cry for attention or an attempt to aid a JK whine campaign (escapades undergone by the kingdom to get the other kingdoms nerfed since MR was having all the fun). Tylerd has also admitted to drowning kittens, sympathizing with the puppy drowning bitch saying that she probably had no other choice, or thought it was really, really, funny, much like he did.

Settlements

When you play Wurm, one must buy an area of land with euros. You can then develop it up in order to live either a boring life on freedom or a slightly less boring one on wild. These areas of land do shit such as reducing decay, having automatic street lamps, having a personal military force and loads of other goodies. Some players have complained that these have been abused. (Mainly by nations in wild who recruit mercenary armies by merely planting "massive cities" in the middle of nowhere) There is also the fact that people on these expensive deeds have the land all to themselves and nobody can touch it, the poor however remain in the squalor. Due to how shit the economy is, many Wurm players become Jewish or spend all their money on useless shit. Most of the time nothing actually fucking works. Due to griefing issues Rolf decided it was best to serve the oldfags rather than the newfags. The problem was that he did nothing to help new players, who then quit the game whilst the oldfags sat in their basement masturbating to pictures of themselves.

Forum

This is a curious case, because the game itself is not actually the game itself. Instead it is merely a waiting room where people queue up actions for their character do to while they alt tab to the forums. The forums are one of the most easily trollable in the universe. A handy guide is shown here for those unsure as to how to troll. [1] You need an account to view the forum but then again it is as simple as proclaiming that MR stands for Mostly Retarded, JK uses stolen money, Daolin is a cowardly faggot and freedom is full of French elitist snobs.

Most of the time the freedom people are fucking retards who act like a bunch of yes-men towards Rolf. They oppose anything that will better the conditions of any new players, which is one of the reasons the game has the worst community and consists primarily of around 1000 of the biggest, uptight, stuck up faggots on the internet.

Secondly is the wilds. Most of the time they attempt to troll each other by boasting of war success and how retarded the other kingdoms are. However the most effective tactic, tried and tested by Mol Rehan is to complain to Rolf that a certain tactic or aspect of enemy combat is overpowered. Using their money to threaten him with ragequitting they make him do many updates that keep MR relatively strong. Despite this the other two kingdoms still ganked MR day and night until the process of complaining made them powerful enough.

The only offtopic forum is populated mostly by people who quit the game or barely play it and hang around for some tiny gems in the great big steaming pile of shit that is Wurm online. There is a forum game ongoing there and a Minecraft thread, it being the oldest thread referencing Minecraft anywhere on the internet. It is theorised that if the offtopic forum is removed it would only speed up the decline of Wurm Online.

Development

Development of the game is a very challenging and strenous task for Rolf Jannson. He has to make tough decisions on what to do and most of the time he gets it right. Beforehand Notch actually made the game and ran it, then quit working on it because Rolf was being a faggot. Rolf has made amazing contributions to the team and has appointed an excellent staff and a well trained number of moderators.

For the past 4 or so years he has promised a 3rd dimension, which he never did because he is a fucking fat lazy moron. Several of the game developers hacked money into the game and subsequently sold off the money for real euros, whilst anybody would be banned for life from wurm the developer would simply have a slight telling off. The forum moderators are well known for removing nearly every post that criticises Rolf or the staff.

Rolf Jannson has a Mol Rehan bias, the result of which he continually nerfs anything opposing the kingdom. Reasons for this are unknown but a couple of players who spend their food stamps on the game for more silver as well as a banker sinking money into the game are suspected that they may have to do with it.

Cheating

There is no actual cheating in Wurm online since any cheating, or any type of exploits, are all considered game features. Features include things such as pushing people into solid walls. Only high enough QL walls will be solid enough to stop people from being pushed into them, trapped and ultimately cut to shreds (in middle of the solid wall) by their enemies.

The actual client have advanced Macro checks, port scans and remote view of your desktop in order to give the GM's full control of your computer , and it's not unusual for the GM's to have a peek in your private photos in order to prove you're a cheating bastard.

Server crash

On 25 April 2007, over a year after the game went gold the home server (The Pre-Alpha Server) crashed and went offline. Mr. Wanker stated that their host had multiple ~~hardware~~ failures and was unlikely to be able to recover ~~any of the data~~. It was decided a complete reset would be done.. After a false restart on May 5, the servers were brought back online with no noticeable problems. The new system had been downgraded with a new automated remote backup system and a separate login server consisting of some rubber bands and duct tape arranged in an attempt to make it work.

The servers still crash ~~from time to time often~~ lots resulting in the loss of the last week or two of terraforming done to the world, however compensation for such server crashes is normally a 5 second sleep bonus which helps increase skill gain at twice the normal rate.

Reception

Wurm Online received a positive review on MMORPG.com, which praised both the racism and general shittiness. The game received a generous rating of 5 percent, some argue that it was given a score that was far too high. This score surpasses the scores of Second Life and RuneScape, both ~~more popular and well established~~ horrible games. The community was also praised as being incredibly racist and xenophobic; answering all the questions the reviewer asked with a fuck you, you speak pig language. On the 11th September 2001 it was on the back page of the website.

Trolling Wurm players

Go find a player with a fence and smash down a section of the fence. Almost immediately a butthurt thread will appear and the forums will be spammed over and over. Extra points if you help fuel the butthurt thread and post screencaps of the destroyed fence.

Buy a second account and start killing it over and over again for skill, also known as a Jew. Somebody will start to complain and then you can start trolling from there on.

Go with a gang of friends to a local road and rip up a few slabs as a chav does IRL. Somebody else will complain about it.

In fact just do anything that involves altering anything in the game, you will always find somebody who will bitch for days about it and post in the forums about the mods not doing anything.

Go with a bunch of friends to any fort on Wild or just outside one, tempt the local bigwig into coming outside and then ambush him. Rape his dead corpse, steal his valuables and then post many screencaps of the event in a PVP thread. Almost immediately everybody in the persons kingdom and MR will complain and eventually result in the thread getting locked and people getting banned. Bonus points if you kill a king.

Post a thread in the suggestions forum that suggests anything that will benefit new players or resembles any technology not medieval. Some people will come over and argue their points of view, most of them using words too complex and long for them to even understand (Such as "The" or "Apple").

Wurm Online

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