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Wurm Online is a badly coded excuse for a fantasy MMORPG. A surface glance may imply that it is not too dissimilar from other games. However, virtually all scholars recognise that at its core it is a feeble attempt to make an indepth medieval fantasy game, with none of the depth and all of the painful drudgery of the real middle ages. After more than a decade of half-hearted development, it is recognized as little more than the failed uncle of the wildly successful Minecraft, developed by one of the former developers of Wurm, Notch.

The Wurm community is among the worst on the internet, consisting largely of a collection of cancerous growths that ooze semen and pus. Despite hailing from an obscure and buggy java game that was forgotten by the gaming press years ago (for a good reason), they hold no humility and are viewed as among the most pretentious fucks known to man. Notch originally created much of the game when he actually had a work ethic, but Rolf Jannson disagreed with making it too easy in case “it let in the shitters” and steadily made it harder and grindier until he realized he could exploit the virtual economy of Wurm to make enough money to move out of the homeless shelter.

Gameplay

“Gameplay” in Wurm is functionally basic, and has changed little over the past decade, with the most impressive feature (taking eight years of development) being considered the third dimension. In first-person perspective, you ostensibly play in a fantasy world in which you can fight dragons or build impressive castles. The most likely reality (should you make the mistake of downloading this game and attempting to play it) is a near-daily grind of hours to make even the most basic equipment or buildings. For the majority of players, it is a long and painful struggle to have anything even remotely resembling fun as they must toil to maintain their pitiful possessions. Only those that possess the power of autism have the drive and patience to see their way up into the ranks of the elitist and exploitive rulers of the numerous petty dictatorships that rule over both servers.

Collision detection summed up in one image.

The graphical interface is indeed suitably complex, having gone for an aesthetic that looks confusing and obstructive. It is a daily fact of life that virtually everything in the game lacks collision detection, with even solid objects occasionally becoming fucking useless when the games horrible coding collapses like a leper’s chest. In such cases it is possible to bug your way through a lot of obstacles. These are taken for granted as a feature of gameplay.

Terraforming and building

Wurm Online's main selling point is the fact you can shape the land by digging holes or cutting down trees, features once considered impressive. Landscaping usually takes the form of elevating the edges of tiles up and down, using a system lacking clarity or foresight in its design. The result is that it becomes possible to create solid walls of dirt, or to use a small spike of dirt as a well-used exploit to prevent moving. The exact opposite can be done to create pits designed in such a way you would bounce around in them like dildos in a cement mixer until you were killed, an exploit considered a prominent feature until the game developers tried to fix it.

The main purpose of terraforming is to create large areas of flat land suitable for filling up with slums and farms, and on the PvP-oriented servers to create dykes to protect them. Most of these towns tend to be badly designed and quickly end up degrading into violence and other typical nigger behaviours. On the PvE-oriented server, these shitty huts gradually end up spreading over the landscape like genital herpes.

Crafting

Claimed to be a very strong point of the game, crafting allows a player the ability to make everything from ships to weapons and armour by simply clicking twice every 30 seconds for 5 hours while watching a movie in the background. Although most normal people wouldn’t fucking consider this a game, the Wurm community thinks otherwise. As time goes on and new servers are released, Rolf inevitably tries to speed up the action-timers so as to make the game at least a little bit enjoyable and thus attract children with disposal income, but many faggots in the community complained that it was ruining the game. The crafting system utilizes clownworld logic, often requiring retardedly low or high quantities of raw materials in a system known as "Wurm Logic"

Combat

The combat in Wurm Online is hailed by its playerbase for innovation and breathtaking action, and until recently was praised for lacking basic animations. For the first eight or so years of the game, the reality was sitting and watching your character slide around and beat on an inanimate model until it died.These days it has been replaced by a limited number of animated fight moves and combat noises that sound like an orgasming elephant.

Player versus player combat is slightly more interesting in which you're the one getting ganked by several highly overpowered players. God forbid that you do get a victory, as you will be reported to the admins and proceed to be permanently banned. With each new update Rolf attempts to improve combat by nerfing a number of core game features while introducing new bugs. Most of these largely benefit the overpowered players as they have spent literal years breaking the game by exploiting bugs and cosying up to developers and game moderators to get anything they want while leaving the short end of the stick to new players. Of course, changes like this have been praised by the ass-licking elitist community as they hope to be rewarded for reporting these combat bugs (although they spent a good few weeks exploiting it before then reporting it). These players will continue until long after they realize that their glorious Wurm Online has been ruined by themselves.

World

There is of course the world that the players play on. Initially resembling medieval Sweden, each new successive map has steadily degraded with time to the point it looks like absolute shit. Notch did actually help work on these maps, and the only map left that he made is Wild, initially a handcrafted masterpiece of cartography, now a twisted hellhole of abandoned towns and ruins populated by mouthbreathing trannies.

No matter the quality of the map, it steadily declines as its players inevitably clearcut the forests and dig the land down to bedrock. Each map is usually a island 16km wide with no rivers and snowy tundra often appearing next to deserts. There is a constant water level which is fresh no matter where you are, even if it's in the middle of the slums created when the Brazilians raid the game. Therefore one could argue that it’s possible Rolf Janson drinks human feces, which could go a long way to explain why Wurm online is the wonderful masterpiece it is today.

Servers

In Wurm there are now only two servers, which are Epic, Freedom. The former was created as an attempt to revitalize the Pvp aspect of Wurm, (something fundamentally broken at its core) for the supreme autists that play the game to fight out their repressed desires to be fucked in the ass. The latter server was created to house the people who came to build houses or engage in petty trades and demand that everybody bend over backwards for them. Numerous communities, such as Something Awful, /v/ and Facepunch Studios, and the Brazillian nation have all raided the game, albeit with little long-term success at establishing a functioning community that doesn’t dissolve into infighting and criminal activities.

The communities which survive are usually a mess of incompetent despots and manchildren squabbling over an area of land roughly the size of a municipal park. Generally the largest kingdom in Epic rules the archipelago while the other kingdoms whine and cry all the time about this state of affairs, demanding Rolf nerfs or bans their opponents. Freedom is in a much worse situation due to the lack of any central authority - the result being that it is populated by hundreds of petty autocrats who scream at you and threaten to call an admin on you to get you banned if you so much as ruin their view by building slums on the opposite side of their valley. Older servers such as Golden Valley took this to an extreme as it gradually degenerated into suburban explorer, filled with piles of shit and decaying houses everywhere while people fought over ownership of trees and anvils. Whenever Rolf becomes aware of these problems, he often comes to the conclusion that a new map or server is much easier than to fix broken mechanics, hence leading to the creation of one. These have a tendency to slowly grow in size so as to delay the growth of the slums, clogging up the servers like fat in some fat fucks arteries.

Epic

Jenn Kellon

In Wild, the largest kingdom is Jenn Kellon. Using the power of dirt they managed to build a wall over 9000 metres high around their capital city and started to conquer the island. One of the towns is called CAPSALOT and is a exact replica of the fascist state of Germany when Hitler was in power. There aren't any Jews there for some reason. Another well known town is Tyre. Much like old Woodscove their E-peen became so massive it collapsed on their heads, causing neural damage. Jen-Kellon specialize in using exploits, having the most players banned in recorded history, and generally spend more time programming new hacked clients for the game then actually playing. One of it's main players, Gavin, is a master of macroing and, although he claims this to be irrelevant, fellatio.

Their kingdoms greatest source of income is Doughboy, a super massive interstellar formation consisting of mainly cake and hydrogen gas. He is most renowned for stealing 40 gold coins traders and subsequently crashing the Wurm economy. The combined funds stolen from Rolf is calculated to be around 4,000 euros, although it's believed that Doughboy spends this much revenue on the game monthly regardless.

Mol Rehan

File:Lazytown jew kid.jpg

A Mol Rehan player, note the piggy bank which indicates financial backing.

This is the kingdom which is much like the collection of aspies at a school. They are all special apparently and strive to conquer the entire map. However they fail miserably at even being taken seriously. They have a school of combat which basically teaches autofight. Most of their military successes come from either planting deeds with heavy guards or complaining to Rolf that a bug caused them to lose. Rolf of course is MR biased and a Game moderator runs the capital of Mol Rehan. This game moderator bans anybody who makes fun of Mol Rehan and has been trolled for a long time.

Mol Rehan is essentially a very very shit kingdom. Most of the people there would not think twice to remove this article because it made them angry. Horton also regularly bans anybody he doesn't like. One day he banned somebody, and the other mods disagreed with this so he had his game moderator status removed. He is still Chancellor of Mol Rehan and a forum moderator however.

Horde of the Summoned

This used to be a good kingdom. It rolled everything and made MR run back home to hide in their towns where they continued to slap their wrists and make noises like a wounded walrus. MR then got Dadd to plant a huge deed next to the HotS capital (Which was probably bigger than the capital itself) and then attacked it, using the protection of the deed they eventually managed to destroy the city. And since then, due to a multitude of other factors, this kingdom went into decline. A player called Daolin took over as emperor and did a terrible job. He only logged in every week for 3 months so he didn't lose emperor title. Recently they nearly lost a mountain but eventually managed to find it again.

Settlements

When you play Wurm, one must buy an area of land with euros. You can then develop it up in order to live either a boring life on freedom or a slightly less boring one on wild. These areas of land do shit such as reducing decay, having automatic street lamps, having a personal military force and loads of other goodies. Some players have complained that these have been abused. (Mainly by nations in wild who recruit mercenary armies by merely planting "massive cities" in the middle of nowhere) There is also the fact that people on these expensive deeds have the land all to themselves and nobody can touch it, the poor however remain in the squalor. Due to how shit the economy is, many Wurm players become Jewish or spend all their money on useless shit. Most of the time nothing actually fucking works. Due to griefing issues Rolf decided it was best to serve the oldfags rather than the newfags. The problem was that he did nothing to help new players, who then quit the game whilst the oldfags sat in their basement masturbating to pictures of themselves.

Forum

This is a curious case, because the game itself is not actually the game itself. Instead it is merely a waiting room where people queue up actions for their character do to while they alt tab to the forums. The forums are one of the most easily trollable in the universe. A handy guide is shown here for those unsure as to how to troll. [1] You need an account to view the forum but then again it is as simple as proclaiming that MR stands for Mostly Retarded, JK uses stolen money, Daolin is a cowardly faggot and freedom is full of French elitist snobs.

Most of the time the freedom people are fucking retards who act like a bunch of yes-men towards Rolf. They oppose anything that will better the conditions of any new players, which is one of the reasons the game has the worst community and consists primarily of around 1000 of the biggest, uptight, stuck up faggots on the internet.

Secondly is the wilds. Most of the time they attempt to troll each other by boasting of war success and how retarded the other kingdoms are. However the most effective tactic, tried and tested by Mol Rehan is to complain to Rolf that a certain tactic or aspect of enemy combat is overpowered. Using their money to threaten him with ragequitting they make him do many updates that keep MR relatively strong. Despite this the other two kingdoms still ganked MR day and night until the process of complaining made them powerful enough.

The only offtopic forum is populated mostly by people who quit the game or barely play it and hang around for some tiny gems in the great big steaming pile of shit that is Wurm online. There is a forum game ongoing there and a Minecraft thread, it being the oldest thread referencing Minecraft anywhere on the internet. It is theorised that if the offtopic forum is removed it would only speed up the decline of Wurm Online.

Development

Development of the game is a very challenging and strenous task for Rolf Jannson. He has to make tough decisions on what to do and most of the time he gets it right. Beforehand Notch actually made the game and ran it, then quit working on it because Rolf was being a faggot. Rolf has made amazing contributions to the team and has appointed an excellent staff and a well trained number of moderators.

For the past 4 or so years he has promised a 3rd dimension, which he never did because he is a fucking fat lazy moron. Several of the game developers hacked money into the game and subsequently sold off the money for real euros, whilst anybody would be banned for life from wurm the developer would simply have a slight telling off. The forum moderators are well known for removing nearly every post that criticises Rolf or the staff.

Rolf Jannson has a Mol Rehan bias, the result of which he continually nerfs anything opposing the kingdom. Reasons for this are unknown but a couple of players who spend their food stamps on the game for more silver as well as a banker sinking money into the game are suspected that they may have to do with it.

Cheating

There is no actual cheating in Wurm online since any cheating, or any type of exploits, are all considered game features. Features include things such as pushing people into solid walls. Only high enough QL walls will be solid enough to stop people from being pushed into them, trapped and ultimately cut to shreds (in middle of the solid wall) by their enemies.

The actual client have advanced Macro checks, port scans and remote view of your desktop in order to give the GM's full control of your computer , and it's not unusual for the GM's to have a peek in your private photos in order to prove you're a cheating bastard.

Server crash

On 25 April 2007, over a year after the game went gold the home server (The Pre-Alpha Server) crashed and went offline. Mr. Wanker stated that their host had multiple ~~hardware~~ failures and was unlikely to be able to recover ~~any of the data~~. It was decided a complete reset would be done.. After a false restart on May 5, the servers were brought back online with no noticeable problems. The new system had been downgraded with a new automated remote backup system and a separate login server consisting of some rubber bands and duct tape arranged in an attempt to make it work.

The servers still crash ~~from time to time often~~ lots resulting in the loss of the last week or two of terraforming done to the world, however compensation for such server crashes is normally a 5 second sleep bonus which helps increase skill gain at twice the normal rate.

Reception

Wurm Online received a positive review on MMORPG.com, which praised both the racism and general shittiness. The game received a generous rating of 5 percent, some argue that it was given a score that was far too high. This score surpasses the scores of Second Life and RuneScape, both ~~more popular and well established~~ horrible games. The community was also praised as being incredibly racist and xenophobic; answering all the questions the reviewer asked with a fuck you, you speak pig language. On the 11th September 2001 it was on the back page of the website.

Trolling Wurm players

Go find a player with a fence and smash down a section of the fence. Almost immediately a butthurt thread will appear and the forums will be spammed over and over. Extra points if you help fuel the butthurt thread and post screencaps of the destroyed fence.

Buy a second account and start killing it over and over again for skill, also known as a Jew. Somebody will start to complain and then you can start trolling from there on.

Go with a gang of friends to a local road and rip up a few slabs as a chav does IRL. Somebody else will complain about it.

In fact just do anything that involves altering anything in the game, you will always find somebody who will bitch for days about it and post in the forums about the mods not doing anything.

Go with a bunch of friends to any fort on Wild or just outside one, tempt the local bigwig into coming outside and then ambush him. Rape his dead corpse, steal his valuables and then post many screencaps of the event in a PVP thread. Almost immediately everybody in the persons kingdom and MR will complain and eventually result in the thread getting locked and people getting banned. Bonus points if you kill a king.

Post a thread in the suggestions forum that suggests anything that will benefit new players or resembles any technology not medieval. Some people will come over and argue their points of view, most of them using words too complex and long for them to even understand (Such as "The" or "Apple").

Wurm Online

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