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Chris Hansen: Difference between revisions
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*{{myspace|official_chrishansen|Chris Hansen (Official Myspace)}} [[bullshit|'''ALSO FAKE''']] | *{{myspace|official_chrishansen|Chris Hansen (Official Myspace)}} [[bullshit|'''ALSO FAKE''']] | ||
*[http://www.soundboard.com/sb/Westmar.aspx '''CHRIS HANSEN SOUNDBOARD'''] | *[http://www.soundboard.com/sb/Westmar.aspx '''CHRIS HANSEN SOUNDBOARD'''] | ||
*[http://ksf.wikia.com/wiki/Major_Karl_Augustus_Hamtinburg/ Strange fanfiction] | |||
===4chan Archives=== | ===4chan Archives=== | ||
Revision as of 23:18, 25 June 2013
Chris Hansen is a cock-blocking old media troll and host of the comedy program "To Catch a Predator." He baits unsuspecting pedos into traps set up by Dateline in concert with Perverted-Justice for the lulz. The pedos are sourced from MySpace and Cregzlst, ensuring Hansen a limitless supply of childfucking prey. Truly, he's doing God's work. Hansen's secret is that even if the supply of pedophiles does run out, he will still have a show because he uses hot 18 year old girls (and for special occasions boys) to lure the "pedophiles" into the house, so really the men are trying to have sex with an 18 year old girl who claims to be either 13 or 17, making them innocent, but trying to bang a 17 year old is still pedo. This of course doesn't bother Hansen, who is simply doing it all for the lulz. By doing so, Hansen inevitably shuts down 12chan without knowing it for at least another week.
Recently, Hansen made a "hidden camera investigation" with Dateline on iPod thievery, lol
In short, Chris Hansen is justice.
As of last Thursday, Chris Hansen is part owner of an NBA Franchise
Ventrilo Harassment
Strategy
Chris Hansen skillfully employs a number of techniques upon his victims, resulting in the absolute zenith of lulz.
Hansen's TV persona and vocal inflection drips with such intense smarm that you almost feel bad for the kiddy-diddlers, but then you remember that they ARE kiddy-diddlers. Hansen reads their chat logs with incredible smugness before pretending to let his victims go so they can get pwnt by the man for the Dateline cameras. Sometimes, the cops are wearing camouflage in the bushes, so when they bust the internet pedo, it looks like they are being attacked by a plant monster. The final twist of the knife is his name itself: Hansen, which will no doubt remind the pedo of popular boy group Hanson, and of the many future mmmboppings he'll receive in the prison shower room.
The difference between the schadenfreude experienced from, say, regular internet trolling and that derived from watching To Catch a Predator is like the difference between chewing on cocoa leaves and inhaling crack cocaine - it's the intensified essence of the emotion, with any impurities stripped away. Watching some sick fuck realizing that their life has been utterly destroyed in a totally public and humiliating fashion is a true epic win. Furthermore, the victims are all unsympathetic pedos, so the mass audience is free to take pleasure in their ruin without having to work through any moral conflicts. In a sense the show is like a modern version of pickpockets getting hung in public for the crowd's amusement.
Things I've Learned From Chris Hansen
- Whenever the victim(s) you're preying upon asks something like "Did you bring the pot?" Always say "I don't know what you're talking about!" as it will make it difficult to prove intent for soliciting a minor.
- If the victim(s) leave(s) the door unlocked or wide open or will not come close to you it's probably a bust and you should not enter the property.
- Do not try and cover your face when you're on camera as it will make you look more suspicious.
- Do not give away all your sexual fantasies when you chat to the victim. Try and be as vague as possible.
- There's nothing wrong with just looking at lolicon jpegs. Amirite? Srsly though, you're all fucked.
- To Catch a Predador is a Pretty cool guy eh catches predators and doesn't afraid of anything.
PROTIP: None of the above will actually work. Once it's established that you think you're talking to someone who's underage, and you tell them you want to have sex with them, you've broken the law. If you've given them any info by which your average internet detective can figure out your identity (for most pedos, this involves having provided their real name and place of residence, but it can also be e-mail address or phone number) then later wisen up and decide not to visit the loli, they'll send the SWAT team over to your house (see TX D.A. video below). And if you merely go to the area of the decoy house without going inside (or even getting out of your car), the police can normally tell that you're one of the pedos and will chase your ass down if you attempt to leave the area (owing to the fact that they normally pick somewhat out-of-the-way areas, i.e. where some motherfucker with out-of-state tags wouldn't just be cruisin' on a Saturday afternoon). The only reasons they prefer you go to the decoy house are: 1) it's easier for the police to just sit in one location and eat doughnuts while the suspects basically line up outside the door, rather than go to each individual suspect's house, and 2) the massive lulz to be had by seeing them go through Chris Hansen's setup on national television.
Lulzworthy moments
Guy gets tazed at 5:43
Previous Video | Next Video
Chris Hansen breaking news as of March 2 2008
Last Thursday a federal judged has ruled that the sister of a man who committed suicide after being filmed on NBC's To Catch As A Predator may sue the network for $100M.
Louis Conradt, a 56-year-old assistant district attorney, shot himself in November 2006 after he was confronted at his Terrell, Texas, home by police officers. He was expecting delicious 13 year old shota. They were accompanied by an NBC news crew that was there to film his arrest.
In his ruling, the judge said, "A reasonable jury could find that NBC crossed the line from responsible journalism to irresponsible and reckless intrusion into law enforcement."
Just like this:
Chris Hansen Breaking news as of September 12 2008
Last Thursday Chris Hansen was spotted outside of a nightclub, drunk off his ass and being carried by a couple of college students he thought were pedophiles. He was quoted as having said, "Why don't I throw up over there?". They dropped him off on the doorstep of a 13 year old girl that was reportedly home alone. The whole thing will air on MSNBC next month. Chris Hansen is killing Pedobear and must be stopped.
'"Why don't you have a seat over there?"': If you hear this, you're fucked
Hidden Camera Catches Host of To Catch a Predator Cheating on Wife June 30 2011
To Catch a Predator host who traps sex perverts in TV stings 'caught cheating on his wife'... by hidden cameras Chris Hansen has found himself on the receiving end of his own hidden camera tactics, after the married NBC anchor was secretly filmed on an illicit date with a blonde television reporter 20 years his junior. Hansen, 51, has allegedly been having an affair with Kristyn Caddell, a 30-year-old Florida journalist, for the last four months.
Hundreds of internet residents cheered joyously around the world, until it occurred to them that they are still fucking pedophiles, and their arch-nemesis was getting cunt from some chick that was twenty-one years younger.
List of Internet Celebrities who have guest-appeared on Dateline
- Brian Peppers
- Internet Vigilante Group
- HeavyBassX
- MONGO
- Nathanr
- George Lucas
- Shii
- User:Christopher
- Vinny the Rapist
In summary, Chris Hansen is definitely Jesus
- Chris Hansen always comes prepared. He has THE BEST lines to enter with.
- If there is a pedophile looking to get some from a minor, Chris Hansen is the ultimate cock block, in a good way.
- Chris Hansen doesn't take shit from emos.
- Chris Hansen tends to pwn people like you.
- Chris Hansen should be every Counter-Strike players name.
- Chris Hansen appears on 4chan some days in an effort to catch pedobear.
- Chris Hansen is a master of disguise.
- Chris Hansen will find a way to trap you by any means necessary
Trivia
- The show To Catch a Predator was inspired by the 4chan party van
- Dateline NBC caused the Caturday nap by snatching most of the admins of 4chan. However Mootles could not be held for more than 48 hours due to full-disk encryption, FreeBSD and Longcat. W. T. Snacks remains in custody.
- No anon has yet asked Chris Hansen to do a BARREL ROLL. It has been theorized that Hansen will turn into a greenish goo upon hearing these words. Furthermore, the person asking will get the loli and half the kingdom.
- He hates furries.
- In Soviet Russia Pedos catch Chris Hansen.
Chris Hansen gets whats coming to him:
If in doubt always wear a pair of nikes:
Galleries
Moar Chris Hansen
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Sneaky, sneaky. -
Words cannot describe the awesome... -
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Y'all niggas postin' in a Jailbait thread
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Chris in Brazil -
Chris Hansen on 4chan
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Don't mention CP. -
Chris Hansen busting Pedobear. -
Hansen image for use on Chat Roulette
Chris Hansen on Habbo Hotel
A challenger appears!
Ohello /b/, my name is Chips Handon. I always like to lork at 7cham and I also like mudflips too, as you do. DASU DASU LOL. I also like having sex with underage children (HOES DON'T KNOW ABOUT MY DICK), shop the wops, do a battle roll and i just lost the match. Due to the fact that i'm not a noobfag i know that /random/ is in possession of a great variety of "PC", at least those of you that aren't underage B%. in a nutshell, I need Anomalous to deliver to an Astrafaglian /re/tard some of his "PC" (you know what i mean LOL). ROW ROW ROW THE BOAT. PLEASE DONT MAGE THIS THRED IT IS NOT COPYPIZZA, BUT ORIGINAL COMMENT.
Why we like him?
We like him because he is a badass who scares the shit out of pedos who sometime get on the floor or go i thought this house was for sale. In short he should definitely be the next president.
See Also
- His British television doppelganger, Jeremy Kyle.
- Jeremy Hanson
- Steve Wilkos
- Michelle Madigan
- Chat Avenue— People here love Chris Hansen.
External Links
chris_hansen FAKE
Chris Hansen (Official Myspace) ALSO FAKE- CHRIS HANSEN SOUNDBOARD
- Strange fanfiction
4chan Archives
YouTubes
- Tons of To Catch a Predator Clips
Makes a girl cry- HATES furries
- Hansen after a long day
- Troubles with sound
- Pedo's Theme Song
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Chris Hansen is part of a series on Visit the Trolls Portal for complete coverage. |
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Chris Hansen is part of a series on Visit the Memes Portal for complete coverage. |
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Chris Hansen is part of a series on ED5 Pollfest Top 16.
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| Featured article March 23, 2010 | ||
| Preceded by Free Realms |
Chris Hansen | Succeeded by Amuria |