Camrose Cat Killers

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Donny, these men are cowards.

Sabian Jordan Ryan (left)

Mac and Sabian Ryan, 2013

Sam Sheppard, Sabian Jordan Ryan, Macaully (Mac) Ryan, and Jesse Gillis, known collectively as the Camrose Cat Killers are four pussies who microwaved a cat named Princess after robbing^[1] their neighbors' home in Camrose, Alberta, Canadia on December 29 and December 30, 2007. When the story broke, the Internet took notice, not just because the Internet loves cats, but also because of the strange Canadian law that prohibits publishing their names, since they were juveniles when they committed the crime.

	“	You HAD a nice cat - look in the microwave!	„
	—Scrawled on the wall

They got away with it

After they were caught, they initially pled not guilty, and later suffered IRL troll's remorse, and changed their pleas to "guilty" in exchange for a "sentence" of 100 hours of community service, and noone went to jail. Expert testimony revealed that the cat's nervous system boiled, and its organs exploded during the ten minutes it took to kill the animal, while the perpetrators listened to its screams.

	“	Remorse. Just flat out remorse.	„
	—Crown lawyer John Laluk, on the motivation for the plea change

Quite a lot is known about Mac and Sabian Ryan, because of their band, but because the Internet has the attention span of a flea, and since the former regime was paranoid as fuck about lolsuits, this article was not kept up to date, and the whereabouts of the other two is still a mystery. Except not, here is  Sabian Jordon Ryan on Twitter.

Vengeance

Internets tube junctions, like Facebook and Nexopia, immediately rose up and formed the hate forums. Even Bill Cosby hated them and refused to send pudding pops. The Canadian version of The Man showed up in the small town, going from house to house warning people not to name names. When he found the Facebook posts, he went to the posters' homes and threatened little children with jail time unless they used their accounts to delete the names from Facebook. Because the names were nowhere to be found, internutters went even more nutters, even offering rewards for the names^[2].

Guise, it's illegal to publish their names

• Sam Sheppard
• Sabian Jordan Ryan
• Mac Ryan
• Jesse Gillis

Updates

All the perpetrators are now adults, and it is unclear whether it is still illegal to reveal their names. Research is ongoing, but here is what is known so far:

Mac Ryan and Sabian Jordan Ryan

Despite efforts to help Sabian become more famous, he refuses to unblock a fan who only wished to help him achieve more fame. :<

Mac Ryan and Sabian Jordan Ryan are brothers who were involved in the robbery and animal torture. As of 2012, The Ryan Brothers were together in a garden variety craprock band called "Any Last Regrets", until Mac got a real job and now the band is called "WTHCNVCTN" as of 2016.

Oh look, Facebook accounts

• Mac Ryan aka "Macaully Von Bathory"
• Sabian Jordan Ryan's Facebook Account Alternate account
• lol Sabian's MySpace page
• Sabian's shit band on Facebook.

Notice how their pages are covered in hardcore emo death metal screamo shit and how Sabian's URL is 'CrucifiedToADream'. These guy's are really tough and hardcore so do not mess with them.

YouTube

	“	Every time you say something negative, you're only making my case in court that much easier. did you know it is a federal crime to be saying what you're saying? hey, THIS is sabian by the way. i have nothing to hide! :) it's nice to speak to you mr.kittycatdeth. i don't know if you noticedm but you spelled your name wrong, deth, is spelled like so: Death. but seriously, we love all your facebook, youtube and reverbnation attention! :) because after 4 years, i'm finally going to sue all of you.	„
	— venusdoom001 (Sabian Jordan Ryan), expressing that remorse that got him off the hook

	“	So basically, in accordance to what i just posted, thank you for your help in making us famous. believe it or not, I'm already Famous, the funny thing about Notoriety is, it works both ways. you know who i am, right? :)	„
	— venusdoom001 (Sabian Jordan Ryan), mistaking fame for infamy

Twitter

•  SabianRyan - Sabian Jordan Ryan on Twitter lol deleted

See also

• Cat in Microwave
• Luka Magnotta
• Melissa Bachman
• Kenny Glenn
• Cheyenne Cherry
• Puppy Pitcher

External links

• More story!
• http://www.wikigrain.org/?req=Camrose+cat+killing
• Camrose cat killing at Deletionpedia

Camrose Cat Killers is part of a series on Soviet Canuckistan [CollapseExpand]

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