Diablo III

Diablo 3 in a nutshell.

Diablo 3 is an action RPG developed for the PC by Blizzard Entertainment, and the unholy bastard child of Rogue and World of Warcraft. While its 11-year development cycle led people to believe it was going to be the most awesome thing since sliced bread, it ended up being a boring mess of a game that bombed as quickly as your average Free-to-Play MMO. Veteran Diablo players were annoyed by the dumbed-down character customization, the cartoonish, WOW-like atmosphere, and the fact that the game was rigged to force you to buy gold and items from Blizzard for real money. Blizzard fanboys who bought the game were annoyed by the fact that there were no mailboxes for them to dance on, and that there was nothing for them to do after playing the game for hundreds of hours.

The game has also been plagued by its share of errors, hacks, and retarded development decisions that eventually led to to Game Director Jay Wilson committing seppuku in his bathtub. His funeral was subsequently crashed by vengeful Diablo fans, who desecrated his remains by pouring Mountain Dew and dumping Cheetos on them. The cops were unable to intervene because of the noxious body odor emanating from all the unwashed neckbeards there, and had to maintain a safe distance downwind.

Since it launched, around 98.5% of Diablo 3's player base has evaporated, leaving behind only a small handful of dedicated players. These sorry fools have nothing better to do with their time than to sit in their basements playing the game and writing lengthy rants on the official forums about how much the game sucks, even though they still play it for 7 hours every day. The developers have since basically given up on the game, leaving a skeleton crew behind to patch the game every couple months with just enough new "content" to satiate the drooling imbeciles who still play it.

Story

Diablo 3 takes place in the realm of Sanctuary, 20 years after the Archangel Tyrael destroyed the Woodenstone with his magic sword. The explosion blew up Mount Arreat and reduced Tyrael to component parts. After Dorothy spent 20 years putting him back together, he returned to Heaven to face judgement for being a retard and almost blowing the Earth up. After some riveting dialogue and a totally kickass fight scene, the Archangel Imperius punished him for his transgressions by turning him into a nigger and launching him at a village full of white people. Unfortunately, he missed, and Tyrael crash-lands in the old cathedral where Diablo was buried. For some unexplained reason, this resurrected every dead demon on Earth, and they all began tearing up the countryside. The angels simply shrugged their shoulders and watched the carnage while drinking malt liquor and pissing on hapless peasants below.

You start the game as a lone warrior, sent to Tristram to investigate the Flaming Nigger from Outer Space. You encounter an annoying girl named Leah, the niece of Deckard Cain from the first two games. She fills the role of the most annoying character in the game (as well as most anime design). Later, the two of you rescue Cain himself from the newly-resurrected Skeleton King. Cain doesn't identify your items this time around, so his only purpose in the game is to spout stupid bullshit until he's murdered by a purple tranny fairy with Princess Leia hair. Oh, you also discover Leah's mother, Adria, who is totally not evil.

After meeting up with Tyrael, you both embark on a quest to defeat the remaining two Lesser Evils, Belial and Azmodan. You would have known about them if you read the Diablo II instruction book all those years ago, but you didn't, did you? Your first target is Belial, who is known for being a master manipulator. Or at least, he was, until several angels dropped a safe on his head, reducing his intellectual capacity to that of a 10-year old. In the process of hunting Belial, you discover that there is a Magic Soulstone MacGuffin of Doom that somehow trapped all the souls of all the Evils from the first two games. That's right, nothing you did in either of the first two Diablos actually mattered! What a wonderful plot twist!

Anyhow, you resolve to trap the two souls in the Soulstone MacGuffin so the still-totally-not-evil witch Adria can perform a dark, necromantic blood ritual to "destroy" it. After capturing the two souls, you leave the concentrated power of Hell in the hands of some hag you've only known for about 30 minutes while you go have a beer. Oh, by the way, she has her retarded weeniebopper daughter watch over it. Of course, while you're away drinking yourself into oblivion, Adria resurrects Diablo, who returns as all 7 of the Prime and Lesser Evils combined in the body of Leah. After a hefty amount of thought and consideration, Blizzard decided to make the resulting abomination look and sound like a gay, effeminate version of Diablo. He even has tits. (Really. We're not joking.)

Diablo invades Heaven, and you give chase. A dramatic confrontation ensues at "The Pinnacle of Heaven", and Diablo turns into a piñata that explodes in a shower of AIDS and fail. There is a great celebration, right before you go out and do this all over again 3 more times.

Gameplay

If you get sick of Diablo 3's dreary gameplay, we recommend this more enjoyable activity.

Diablo's gameplay is the exact same hack'n slash bullshit you got sick of 10 years ago, only this time in glorious 3D. Enemies show up, you click them until they die, and then they explode in a flurry of carnage and prizes. Occasionally there's some story bullshit you don't care about, then it's back to killin'. The game is divided into 4 Acts, each with a distinctly different setting and new assortment of baddies to kill. After you beat all 4 Acts, you do them over again on a harder difficulty setting. The difficulty levels are Normal, Nightmare, Hell, and Inferno. Once you beat Inferno and hit the game's level cap of 60, you can then spend your endgame time dancing on mailboxes farming the game for more gear so you can get more cash to buy more gear to get more cash to buy more gear. What's the point, you say? Clearly, you're not familiar with these types of games.

The multiplayer system is similar to Diablo 2, allowing a maximum of 4 players to band together against the forces of Hell. Unfortunately, the game has reached a point where 90% of the people in public games are either bots or Chinese gold farmers, so unless you have friends who haven't quit the game yet, you probably won't have a good time. There's also no open PVP like there was in D2, so you can't gank all these losers.

While Diablo 3 is really just a prettier version of Diablo 2, it needn't have been a bad game. Unfortunately, Blizzard decided to ruin the experience by combining it with all the worst elements of WoW (or any RPG, really). Character customization is as simplified as it possibly can be, to the point where you have no control whatsoever over your character's attributes or skill strength. Each character has only a handful of different skills, most of which suck, and you can choose 6 of them to spam over and over again on your hotbar.

The game's style and design is anything but Diablo 2. Whereas D2 was inspired by Gothic architecture and art, Dark Ages philosophy, and focused heavily on death and purgatory, Diablo 3 is a Korean gamer's wet dream. It's clear that Blizzard wanted to rope in AZN gamers, so all previous art direction was thrown out the window. Instead, we get anime sidekicks, monotonous level design, and sparkly, over-the-top attacks worthy of a DBZ episode.

Grindfest 2012

Diablo 3 is deliciously Pay-To-Win. Only, you don't win anything...

Because of the game's over-simplified character progression, all Diablo 3 characters of a certain level are effectively the same, and can only really distinguish themselves with gear. This is all part of a nasty scheme by Blizzard to force you to use the Auction House, an in-game gear trading system that allows you to buy and sell items for either gold or real money (Blizzard takes a hefty cut of all transactions, of course.). The Auction House is basically the retarded cousin of EVE Online's economy, a spreadsheet laden paradise filled with stupid people who don't understand the basic rules of economics. While this makes it fairly easy to make piles of gold and cash off of it, adding this kind of drudgery to a game that's supposed to be fun (in other words, not an MMO) is a cardinal sin of gaming that has alienated most sane gamers from Diablo 3.

To further shore up players for the Auction House, the game is rigged so that 99% of the items that drop from enemies will be total pieces of shit, and the few that aren't shit won't be for your class. Remember the old days of Diablo 2 when you actually got excited when a rare item dropped? Not anymore, bitch. Now, you can find a whole inventory of rares, and more often than not you will end up selling every single one to a merchant for chump change. Legendaries are even shittier, and the Auction House is continuously flooded with garbage legendaries nobody wants. Blizzard also thought it would be funny to sneak in weapons from WoW, so yes, you can now bear the shame of carrying around Thunderfury in this game, too.

You'll notice we've dedicated a big chunk of the "Gameplay" section to talking about the Auction House. That's because Diablo 3 is really just a fantasy-themed, 60-hour long auction. D3, at its core, is a shitty Skinner Box of a game designed around a service to make Blizzard money, and it has worked flawlessly due to the stupidity of its fans. You might have thought it impossible to so thoroughly ruin a game whose premise is so simple, yet years of working on their other games have turned all the Blizz devs into jaded, money-grubbing fucks. They don't even want to make good games anymore, they just want to make money off the backs of drooling neckbeards so they can construct a fallout shelter for when the current generation grows up and ruins the planet.

Character Classes

Diablo 3 has 5 7 character classes: Monk, Barbarian, Demon Hunter, Wizard, Witch Doctor, Crusader, and the upcoming Necromaster. In the interests of sexual equality, Blizzard decided to allow you to play as either a male or female version of your character instead of forcing you to play a specific gender for each class. In the interests of 13-year old boys, they made all the female characters' armor look like bikinis. The best part is that you can buy "Vanishing Dye" for your gear that makes you look like you're in your skivvies. Unfortunately for the prepubescents, this sword cuts both ways.

The usual suspects.

Anyhow, the five seven character classes are as follows:

"The Monk" a.k.a. Punchy McCracker the Tornado Chucker

The monk is a holy warrior who worships 1001 gods, who are apparently all dalmatians. The male monk looks like a child molester who strung a few coconuts around his neck, and the female monk looks like a sickly anime character who could do with a bit of sunlight. She also has the voice of an East German truck driver.

The Monk is a melee class that combines the Monk from D&D with the Paladin from Diablo 2. While you deal abysmally shitty amounts of damage, you compensate for this with evasion buffs, healing abilities and magical auras that buff you and your party. This is all very useful because when you get to Inferno you will die in 4 hits instead of 2. Sadly, your low damage will kind of negate this benefit.

A lot of Diablo 3 players think the Monk class blows, which it does. On the upside, you get an attack that shoots over 9000 lightning tornados at enemies whenever you attack stuff. This turns every battle involving Monks into a rave that crashes everyone else's computer.

"The Barbarian" a.k.a. Faggio Chopmaster the Whirling Musclehead

The Barbarian is a warrior cast out from his tribe after being caught raping a chicken. Both the male and female Barbarians look and sound like butch queers.

The Barbarian is a big, lumbering jock whose only skill is doing lots of damage and not getting killed. He/She/It is every Diablo 3 player's favorite class because the only thing you need to do is just continuously hold the mouse button down. Unfortunately for melee classes in Diablo 3, the enemies at higher difficulty levels are so overpowered that it's impossible to engage them directly unless you've spent like a billion 12 trillion (gold inflation has actually reached the point where a value that is meant to be sarcastic becomes reality in maybe a day if you're lucky) gold on gear. Assuming you don't want to do that, the only way to survive as a Barb is to dual wield a pair of speedy weapons and continuously use the Whirlwind attack. This makes your character twirl around the playing field while wildly swinging his weapons around. As you're doing this, the game appropriately plays "Flashdance" in the background.

It is a statistically-documented fact that only fags, dykes and retards play Barbarians.

"The Demon Hunter" a.k.a. Sissyboy Kiteypants the Leaping Devil Raper

The Demon Hunter is supposed to be some emo loser whose family was murdered by demons, and now seeks revenge on all of demonkind. The male Demon Hunter looks like the Prince of Persia (and even has the same voice actor), and the female one is just some anorexic 18-year old slut.

The Demon Hunter is a ranged, bow-wielding class that's basically a combination of the Amazon and the Assassin from D2. Other than being a whiny bitch, the Demon Hunter excels in the fine art of doing piles of damage and running away. You'd better be good at doing piles of damage and running away too, because Demon Hunters are very wimpy and all of their skills revolve around helping you do piles of damage and escape rape.

This may not sound like much fun, but Demon Hunters have their uses. Until the game's economy went into the shitter and the Auction House became filled with a glut of endgame items, the only way to survive Inferno's stupidly overpowered enemies was to throw down a ton of traps and piss off to safety. Naturally, the Demon Hunter excelled at this, to the point where lots of people re-rolled as Demon Hunters because their previous characters sucked ass. The ideal setup split these responsibilities between 2 or more Demon Hunters, one of whom would kite the enemies around, while the other ones shot them in the ass. This exercise summarizes about 90% of Diablo 3's multiplayer battles, too.

"The Wizard" a.k.a. Chang Glasscannon the Levitating Bug-Zapper

The Wizard is a rogue mage who was expelled from the Jedi Academy in Caldeum after blowing his instructor's head off "just to see what would happen."

They're basically your standard mage character, except instead of just being a damage dealer he can also freeze enemies and use powerful armor and evasion spells. Thanks to masterful class-balancing, a good Wizard can permanently freeze enemies and is almost impossible to kill. Sadly, most Wizards in Diablo 3 are ex-WoW players who only care about maxing out their DPS and turning themselves into gimped Demon Hunters that shoot lightning bolts.

"The Witch Doctor" a.k.a. Bix Nood the Spear-Throwing Nigger

The Witch Doctor is a walking example of every negative stereotype that has ever existed about undiscovered Africa. He's a nigger with a feathery headdress, hoops through his mouth and ears, a ridiculous accent, and very little clothing. His primary attacks involve either shooting enemies with a blowgun or flinging poisonous jungle animals at them. Blizz tried to fixed this Wyatt Mann-inspired design by making the Witch Doctor all mystical and shit, but it did little to help.

Combat-wise, the Witch Doctor is basically a combination of the Necromancer and the Druid from D2. In addition to doing similar amounts of damage as a Wizard, you can summon zombie minions to distract enemies while you blast them with your blowgun or fling flaming bats at them. This makes the Witch Doctor a very easy class to play. As it happens, not many people play as a Witch Doctor because he's a nigger and people have horrible memories of how shitty the Necromancer was.

"The Crusader" a.k.a. Whitey McKnight the Mace & Shield Wielding Paladin

The Crusader is the new character class from Diablo III's first expansion pack Reaper of Souls. It's just basically a ripoff of the Paladin that wields a mace and shield with the power of the holy light.

"The Necromancer" a.k.a. Arthas Osbourne the Lich King of Skeletons

The second new character class for Diablo III: Reaper of Souls. Like the Witch Doctor who can summon zombie minions, the Necromancer equips a scythe and has the ability to summon armies of undead skeletons to do his lazy work. The only way to unlock the Necromancer...IS TO GIVE BLIZZARD YOUR MONEY JUST TO UNLOCK IT!

Sidekicks

What would any RPG be without obnoxious sidekicks spouting tedious backstories over the course of the game? Diablo 3 has 3 followers of your choosing, and unlike Diablo 2 where your helper was hired, slightly useful, and would die permanently, these three stick around whether you want them to or not. Due to lack of caring about good writing, Blizz gave all the personality to only one of them.

"Lyndon, The Scoundrel"

Arguably the only good character in the entire game. Lyndon is an arrogant asshole who got kicked out of his guild for rolling "need" one too many times. His dialogue consists of whining about the player, bragging about what a slut he is, and BAWWWing over his brother's wrongful imprisonment. If the player's character is female, he'll hit on her (to the joy of overweight, unwashed fangirls everywhere). He also sports a porn 'stache and is probably deep in the closet. Lyndon is skilled in using bows and two-handed crossbows.

"Kormac, The Templar"

Mel Gibson in WoW armor. Tied with Leah for worst character. Kormac is skilled in using swords, shields, and spears.

"Eirena, The Enchantress"

A Russian mail-order bride in skimpy armor. Eirena looks 16 but is actually over 1000 years old. She and her sisters were followers of some angel called "The Prophet". However, he couldn't take anymore of their mindless fucking chatter and put them into stasis "until the world of Sanctuary needed them". Unfortunately, that's exactly what happened, and now you're stuck with the babbling little cunt for eternity. Eirena is skilled in using staves, if you know what I mean.

Development and Update History

Shortly after Diablo 2: Lord of Destruction was released, Blizzard claimed to be working on Diablo 3. Not much was heard about the game over the next few years, and it was assumed to be vaporware. Every now and then, gameplay footage and trailers would be released, promising that the game would be finished "when it's done." This led fans to believe that Blizzard was slowly honing and perfecting the game into a polished gem of Diablo-y goodness, when really all they were doing was coming up with radical new ideas and then cutting them out because they thought their fans would be too stupid to enjoy them. This eventually led to D3 being released with around 50% of its planned content and mechanics cut out, with the developers promising to release them when they had them perfected. PVP was notoriously cut out at the last minute, with Blizzard planning to re-implement it in a few months. They didn't.

Diablo 3 sold over 10 million copies at launch, making Blizzard mountains of jewgolds. For the first few days, it was the hottest game going (haha, get it?). Then it all went to Hell.

OMG, Hax!

Now you parents out there know how to get little Timmy a job.

"What are you staring at me like that for? I'm buying these for all my friends!"

An artist's depiction of what Inferno was like for D3 players during launch.

Shortly after the game launched, a large number of Diablo 3 players had their accounts hacked by Chinese people, who stripped them of all their items so they could sell them on the Auction House. As it turns out, this happens every time a Blizzard game is launched because most people who play Blizzard games are autistic retards who download gigantic piles of warez, porn and fake hacking programs onto their parents' unprotected work machines. Blizzard was kind enough to let players with compromised accounts get all their items back, and even began offering an iPhone app as well as a physical authenticator that prevents a person from logging into your account remotely.

Sadly, Blizzard fanboys are immature losers who love to whine and troll, so the D3 forums ended up being awash with conspiracy theories about the hacking wave. Many people thought the whole fiasco was a scam Blizzard designed to sell its overpriced authenticators for the exorbitant sum of $6.50 + free shipping (that's over two weeks of allowance! Holy shit!!!), but a quick bit of research would have revealed that the Blizzard Authenticators are custom-manufactured Vasco Digipass Go 6 units that Blizzard sells at cost and ships to your house for free. You also don't have to buy them. At all.

Blizzard stressed that as far as they knew, it was impossible to be hacked with an authenticator and that it hadn't happened once in the several years they had been selling them for WoW. Naturally, the forums began to fill up with trolls claiming to be "a 46 year old IT specialist who has been to university for computers and got hacked even though I had an authenticator", but Blizzard didn't deem this to be credible evidence. There were also rumors that the hacks were the result of an exploit in public games that allowed hackers to instigate "Man-in-the-Middle" attacks against their targets. This supposedly allowed them to hijack their targets' game sessions and kick them out of the game while they and their friends stole all their stuff. This ended up being proven false by actual IT specialists who knew what the fuck they were talking about, but all of the babies on the forums didn't care because they felt that being members of Anonymouse and browsing the Deep Web made them knowledgeable beyond mortal comprehension.

While no serious person bought into any of the bullshit surrounding the hacking fiasco, it was very negative press for the Diablo 3 community, making the old Diablo 2 veterans realize that years of World of Warcraft had garnered Blizzard one of the worst player bases on the entire internet, second only to Runescape and League of Legends.

The Bots Are Coming! The Bots Are Coming!

After the game had been out for a few weeks, Chinese gold farmers had perfected their botting programs and set up gold farming farms with dozens of computers running the game. Because of the game's horrible balancing issues and numerous unpatched exploits, this initially made the owners of these farms hundreds of dollars per day. More and more people hopped on the bandwagon, discovering new exploits faster than Blizzard could patch the old ones. Eventually, there were so many of these people that the massive influx of cheap gold caused its value to deflate faster than your dick after witnessing the lovely fan art to your lower right.

To make matters worse, at this exact same time, players who were just making it to level 60 and encountering Inferno ran into a bit of a problem. Blizzard had rigged the game so that Inferno was too hard for players to beat right after they finished Hell. In order to find gear that was good enough to progress through Inferno, they either had to go out and buy $50-$100 worth of gold to spend in the Auction House, or spend inordinate amounts of time farming Act 1 over and over again for gold and gear. At this point, all of the players who weren't MMO enthusiasts abandoned the game in droves. Blizzard quickly nerfed Inferno's difficulty, but by then it was too late. As more and more players left and more and more bots joined, the value of Diablo 3 gold continued to plummet. When the game launched in May of 2012, gold traded for $7.00 per mill. In July, it traded for $2.00 per mill. It now trades for $0.25 per mill (less if you buy from third-party gold sellers), and the economy has since been, much like your mom, thoroughly screwed.

Damage Control

After Diablo 3's mass exodus of players, the game was left with only a small player base of zombified basement dwellers who had both the patience and IQ of rocks. As more and more of these people farmed Inferno, the market became flooded with endgame gear, and it soon came to pass that only a very small number of items with certain attributes were worth anything at all. This completely destroyed the crafting system and turned the hunt for items into a boring grindfest in which you vendored 99% of the things you found. Players also felt like there was nothing to do other than mindlessly farm items.

Blizzard would lazily implement numerous stopgap measures to try and fix their game and keep the remaining sheep playing it. None of them worked very well. Come take a look at the train wreck:

Phase 1: I Told You the Paragon Path Sucked!

To address the issue of players becoming bored, Blizzard crafted a most devious and effective solution: Paragon Levels! How does it work? Well, it's simple. They're like normal levels, only requiring over 9000 times as much experience and giving you a negligible bonus to stats and item finding chance per level. Doesn't that sound like fun? Well, it is! And it can be explained using math!

After you get to Level 60 (the game's original level cap), you start gaining Paragon Levels. There are 100 Paragon Levels. Let me break it down for you:

Amount of XP needed to get from Level 1 to 60, during which you will beat the entire game three times: 25,934,700
Amount of XP needed to get from Level 60 to Paragon Level 100: ~10,319,000,000 (That's nearly 400 times the first figure)

Amount of time it takes a normal person to get from Level 1 to 60: 20-40 hours
Amount of time it would take a normal person to get from Level 60 to Paragon Level 100: 600-700 hours
Amount of normal people who've done this: 0

Rewards for getting your 100 Paragon Levels:

+300% Magic and Gold Finding Chance (more gold and gear!)
+300 to your Main Attack Stat (you can buy shoes that add this much)
+200 Vitality (same deal)
+100 to each Secondary Stat (useless)
A cool character portrait
Dying alone

Let us stress that there's no new content to go along with these extra levels. You're still farming gear and experience on the same stretch of Act 3 over and over again for hours on end, only this time you gain Paragon Levels which will help you get better gear!

To help understand just how exciting this is, feel free to check out the handy chart below, retrieved from the good folks here

I'll stick with cherry pie, thanks

Blizzard also tried to fix the deflation of gold by upping the repair costs of Level 60 weapons and armor and increasing the crafting costs of Level 60 items by a huge amount. The hope was that this would act as a gold sink and absorb a lot of the excess gold flooding the market. Not only did this not work, but it made even more players quit the game in frustration after losing all their money on repair bills.

Phase 2: Satan Would Be Proud

If you look up "Skinner Box" in the dictionary, you will find a picture of this thing.

While the Paragon Level update worked better at capturing the attention of their brain-dead fanbase than they had hoped, Blizzard felt compelled to add at least a little bit of extra content. They added a difficulty slider called Monster Power that ranged from 0 to 10, increasing the amount of bonus experience and gold/magic find (yay, piss more gold into the economy) you got with each level. They also added a ring you can craft called the Hellfire Ring, which increases the amount of experience you get and makes you gain Paragon Levels faster! To get the ring, you have to go out and get 5 special bonuses by killing special enemies, kill 3 guys who only sometimes drop a key, then use the 3 different keys from them to make a machine, then get the bonuses again and use the machine to teleport to a special realm to fight one of three random bosses, each of whom will only sometimes drop a crafting item, and then after you get all 3 crafting items from the guys you can make the ring, which will end up being a piece of shit 90% of the time.

Time for more math!

Average time it takes to get the bonuses and kill a key dude: 15 minutes. (You can only kill one at a time becuse they're all in different Acts and you have to reload the game to go to a different Act)
Chance of getting a key on Monster Power Level 5: ~50%
Average time it takes to get all 3 keys on this level: 1 hour 30 minutes
Average time it takes to get 3 machines on this level: 4 hours 30 minutes
Average drop rate for crafting agents on Monster power 5: ~50%
Average time it takes to get all the crafting agents if you use your machines wisely: 9 hours to get the machines + 1 hour to kill all the bosses twice = 10 hours
Likelihood that your ring will suck balls: 90%

So, you can spend half the time it would normally take to beat the game...to get a ring! And it will probably suck.

Of course, playing on higher Monster Power Levels will up the drop rate by 10% with each level, but once you get above MP 5 you need to spend tens, if not hundreds of millions of gold pieces on gear in order to survive. Gee, I wonder if this was intentional on Blizzard's part? The pain of this experience is dulled by bringing all your friends into the game so you don't all need to get the machines, but by this point all your friends have run for the hills and you're the only sad loser left in the game.

Phase 3: Dude, Where's My PVP?

After withholding PVP from Diablo 3 players for months after launch, Blizzard finally gave fans the highly-polished product they'd all been waiting for: a dueling minigame where you can't even win anything. And there's only one arena you can fight in. This pissed off die-hard fans of the series who wanted the open PVP from Diablo 2 to return, which proves that none of them ever actually played Diablo 2. Much bitching and bellyaching erupted over this decision, and most players came to regard the addition of PVP as some lame, tacked-on update to appease the mouth-breathing fanboys QQing on the forums. (Not like the other updates, though, no sir!)

Again, they also tried to fix the game's ailing economy. They added a new tier of max level gems that are bound to your account, with each gem taking around 100 million gold out of the economy after being crafted. Oh, and if you want to unsocket them you have to pay 5 million gold every time.

They also upgraded the crafting system to allow you to craft weapons that could potentially have better stats than any other items in the game. These are also account bound! Genius! In addition to needing reagents for the new items that you can only get as a random drop from elite mobs, the crafting cost of each item is between 75k and 200k. Also, only around 1 out of every 50-100 items is any good. Crafting these items is like gambling, and for the most part it isn't cost effective at all.

It looks like this gold sink is actually working, as the price of most rare and legendary items is plummeting dramatically. This has made the more sensible players very happy.

Eloquent Prose From Diablo 3 Players

“	I heard people talking about how blizzard does not want to make classical pvp servers for Diablo III but more like pvp where you can attack only those players that want to fight you... oO What ever that sh*t is, I don't call it pvp, that's called dueling. They say pvp can ruin the game experience. My question is how can you talk about game experience if there's no pvp? I mean I don't want to play the game where I must ask every stupid noob if I can kill him, wtf is that sh*t for? Why should I build my character if I can't use it to kill noobs in game? I don't want to play in single player and do stupid quests, that's boring. I want to play pvp, like in WoW. I don't want to play WoW for next 6 years, I want Diablo III, waiting for this game for so long and now if there is no pvp, wtf am I going to do? go questing? go kill stupid monsters? that's boring man. If they need to make PVE servers for frp noobs fine, but there are lot of players expecting good PVP experience, so when I connect on battle.net I can go and pwn them, or get pwned, isn't that the point of multiplayer, competition? no? Anyway, I enjoyed Diablo II even though real pvp never existed, but now its like 2009, you can't make a game without pvp... I mean why the f**k you make a game without pvp? Any news about this matter? Is there any petition or feedback going on for this?	„
—BAWWWWWWWWWWW

“	As if Diablo III could not getting any more shitty, Blizzard fucked up the PVP in the game. Now, instead of PVP being awesome and raping every noob in your path, you now have to ask the person if they want to fight you. In the past, you were able to go into a game that was full of noobs and own them all, but now every player in the game is going to be a carebear. Gay.	„
—Piercedanon

Wait, Ponies?

"I used to wonder what friendship could be, right up until you disemboweled me!"

Since everyone loved the cow level from Diablo 2 so much, this game features... a pony level! After spending a bazillion hours hunting for obscure items that drop from even more obscure mobs, you can craft a magic staff and travel to a mystical land full of happy clouds, rainbows, cuddly teddy bears and My Little Pony characters (all while extremely unsettling music plays and you feel like you're having a malarial nightmare). The level was a direct "fuck you" to the negative feedback they received from the community in regards to D3’s art direction. Only the bronies were overjoyed.

Expansion: Raper of Holes

On August 21, 2013, Blizzard announced their first opportunity to flog the dead horse that is Diablo 3. Reaper of Souls will see losers forking out forty more dollars for an extra act hosted by one of Tyrael's old butt buddies who's now Malthael, the Angel of Emo. Malthael has stolen the magic Niggerstone and players must stop him from gaining the power to kill everyone and cum on their ghosts.

See Also

• Satan
• Warcraft 3
• Rogue
• Diablo
• Diablo II: Electric Boogaloo
• MMORPG
• Fags
• Basement Dwellers

External Links

• Article
• The official Diablo 3 forums. You will never find a more wretched hive of scum and villainy.
• Everything you ever wanted to know about Diablo
• If you still play this game, go on here, buy a gun, and shoot yourself.
• Fat Cunt Rages on D3
• Banned over "retarded goyim" remark. -A kike playing Diablo III gets banned after mentioning "retarded goyim". OY VEY IT'S ANOTHER SHOAH!

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Diablo III is part of a series on MMORPGs.

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