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StarCraft II

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Metzen in charge of the story

KoreaCraft II: Electric Boogaloo is the latest overrated RTS game of Blizzard, which has the whole RTS community sucking each others cocks, because they don't have anything else to play anymore, except DotA.

After waiting more than a decade for StarCraft 2, Blizzard delivered the same fucking game with cartoonish looking graphics. The game harbors no variety what-so-ever, except that all the units are either infantry-based, which is one reason why only Chinks like the game anyways, or they're totally useless.

In order to beat other players online, you simply click on the same unit over 9000 times and by the end of the round you usually will win... unless you're facing Koreans. If you were stupid enough, you bought this game the day it came out , so you could have epic infantry battles on an isolated Battle.net with no global communication what-so-ever. If you have a brain, you will torrent this game first, only to realize what utter shit it is and how hyped up it was.

Campaign

This page contains spoilers — important plot secrets and/or conclusions may be revealed. For example,
HOLY SHIT TYCUS IS REALLY WORKING FOR ARCTURUS AND RAYNOR HAS TO KILL HIM AND ALSO KERRIGAN'S HUMAN AGAIN!!!!1
Fenix must be rolling in his grave so hard, that the Protoss are trying to figure out how to use his continued rolling as a source of energy.

Basically the campaign in Shitcraft 2 is the same as every other Blizzard game ever. You team up with a bunch of guys, some of them turn out to be psychopaths, others turn out to be traitors, while still others end up as horrible monstrosities. Jim Raynor spends the entire game bawwing about his mutated girlfriend, spaced out with awesome battles against aliens and fascists. The only good part in the campaign is when you get to genocide a whole alien planet, because Raynor wanted his girlfriend back.As was speculated before, it turned out that with the ending of Legacy of the N00bs, Starcraft II is nothing more but a Power Rangers Rip-OFF.

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We still suspect that the finale of SC2 will be all the races of the StarCraft universe banding together to fight back the horror that is the Burning Leg-- uhh ... "Xel'Naga".


The Jews at Blizzard, being the clever lot that they are decided that not only are they not going to release it as a full game with three individual campaigns like the original. But they're going to release each race's campaign separately at $60 a pop, which you have to register online at Battle.net. So for you cavemen out there who still don't have an internet connection, consider yourself fucked. Also if you want to be able to play different saved games at once you better be prepared to sit for a few hours creating new Battlenet accounts.



Differences from StarCraft 1 or why Chris Metzen sucks ass

   
“ 		 
SC1: "You speak of knowledge, Judicator? You speak of experience? I have journeyed through the darkness between the most distant stars. I have beheld the births of negative-suns and borne witness to the entropy of entire realities... Unto my experience, Aldaris, all that you've built here on Aiur is but a fleeting dream. A dream from which your precious Conclave shall awaken, finding themselves drowned in a greater nightmare."


SC2: "I BRING TIDINGS OF DOOOOOOM"
 

„
  		 

—Chris Metzen's writing truely has evolved.

   
“ 		 
Starcraft 1 Raynor: I WILL FUCK YOU UP YOU CUNT, I WILL RIP YOUR HEAD OFF FOR EVERYTHING YOU HAVE DONE!

Starcraft 2 Raynor: Kerrigan plz baby com bak to me ;_; i still love u
 

„
  		 

— WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED?!

   
“ 		 
The SCV is no longer an intelligent, nerdy dark skinned guy, but now someone who faintly resembles a citizen of Alabama. Every time I selected the SCV, I took off my headphones, not wanting to hear the contrived comments it was programmed to say. To build an object was perhaps the most demeaning thing to do.

"Well butter my biscuit."

It is nothing short of insulting when you think of it. The SCV is no longer a goofy, but intelligent unit anymore, and is instead just a southerner put in for the sake of this game's theme.
 

„
  		 

—jepsen1977 - some stupid faggot who misses the nigger SCVs in Starcraft.

Previous Quote | Next Quote

The most realistic game ever

Blizzard trolls their own fanboys by adding a hidden fourth race. Massive butthurt ensues.

StarCraft 2 is easily the most realistic game to date. In order to heighten the sense of overwhelming realism, the developers decided to incorporate the following things into this blockbuster game:

  • Thirty thousand years into the future, machine guns and grenade launchers are still the most powerful weapons available to infantry units.
  • Thirty thousand years into the future, military aircraft vehicles can only fly at about five miles per hour.
  • Thirty thousand years into the future, mankind has forgotten how to fashion their tanks so they can shoot flying enemies.
  • Military bases are about the size of a bedroom, and take only 90 seconds to build.
  • All military personnel of both human and alien races are fashioned from neon blue crystals and toxic fumes.
  • Eventhough technology has been developed that allows people to be instantly warped from one part of the universe to another, infantry personnel still have to rely on moving by foot.
  • Mankind's greatest and most fearsome enemies are giant cockroaches and mosquitos.
  • In the future, everyone talks like Vanilla Ice raps.
  • In the future, wars begin and end for no reason at all, last for about fifteen minutes, and involve only a couple hundred individuals.
  • In the future, everything has become overwhelmingly dramatized, to the point where it's a wonder why nobody cries like a bitch at every soldiers' death.

Characters of Interest

Terrans

  • Arcturus Mengsk: While in StarCraft 1 his intentions were driven by butthurt over having his family raped and murdered by ghosts, which eventually led him to use an entire zerg swarm to totally assfuck an entire planet named Tarsonis, along with going mad with power. In StarCraft 2, he's just a typical Stalin rip-off, who wants to kill Raynor like his life depended on it (Weeelll... technically it does, his political life anyway). Raynor then trolls him by releasing his certain statement he made on Tarsonis that mentions the order to use the Zerg to attack Tarsonis to the public. It was inevitable for the Old Media to mercilessly troll him on live TV.
  • Jim Raynor: Jim used to be slightly awesome in SC1 and in BW, eh kills everything and doesn't afraid of anything. Jim is now just a two-dimensional drunk faggot made only to cater to 13 year old boys, flying around in a stolen battlecruiser named the "Hyperion", who is on a mission to save his princess Kerrigan. The script for this character is as horribly written as Halo fanfiction. He also doesn't look like anything he did in the original.
  • Nova Terra: A female Dominion Ghost operative/the that was taken out of the canned game StarCraft:Ghost. She's the ultimate wet dream for every player who creams themselves over skintight "armor" and buttcheeks. Hey, someone had to be the role model for women after all. Also a Mary Sue.
  • Ariel Hanson: A doctor Jim rescues from some planet called Agria. She has two endings that are pretty much all bad; one is that she finds a new planet her colony can fuck over again with their Zerg AIDS, the second is that she contracts said Zerg AIDS and tries to kill Jim, but gets shot in the head, because we all know that wimminz can't do anything right these days, even in the future.
  • Egon Stetmann: The Hyperion's lab geek/stereotype geek. Rips off more sci-fi movie quotes than an actual geek.
  • Ron Swann: The Hyperion's Dwarf-looking technician/weapons whore. Gets a boner whenever new weapons are obtained.

The Zerg

  • Kerrigan: In SC1 and Brood War, she was some hardcore psycho bitch who went on to obliterate anything in her path and inject some ominous amounts of Just as Planned at almost anything she does. But the clever writers at Blizzard decided to dumb down the script to appeal to newer gamers: They decided to make her human in the end, even though Raynor in Brood War clearly said that he's going to be the one who kills her. It might be possible that, through the usual drinking session, it allowed him to forget how Kerrigan literally annihilated the entire UED fleet, betrayed and murdered his Protoss buttbuddy Fenix, and her brood infested his home planet Mar Sara, killing everyone, including a fucking huge number of civilians... and so on. She's basically the Antagonizer from Fallout 3 with a better costume. Gets turned back into a human in the expansion for about five seconds before turning into a moralfag version of her former self.
  • Abathur: Grotesque organic blob, who talks more like a robot than most robots. Has a fetish for dissolving and mutilating other Zerg, and also eating them. He rationalizes this by making up some shit about improving the Swarm by dressing them up in purple or green and calling them better, while asking Kerrigan to pick a color. Because of these traits, he is indistinguishable made for the autistic faggots who play this game.
  • Izsha: Kerrigan's carpet-munching ex-human tentacle monster bitch. Her only roles are to tell you everything you already know and brown-nose Kerrigan at every opportunity. Always watches Kerrigan go swimming in her pool, and probably also makes her sandwiches.
  • Alexei Stukov: Russian zombie who used to be second in command of the UED fleet. In Brood War he was a gentleman, a man of style and great leadership, with a cool accent. Meanwhile in StarCraft 2, they transformed him into a overweight-looking, clishee vodka bottle-emptier that only gets butthurt over being a test subject at some secret lab or some shit like that and gets Kerrigan to help him destroy it. He spends the rest of the game sneaking in shots of vodka and uselessly commenting on whatever Kerrigan's doing.
  • Dehaka: This bastard assbaby is the unfortunate result of beastiality and Fetal Alcohol Syndrome. This servant of Satan speaks in the most obnoxiously slow and irritating voice ever known to all of humanity. He is a "Primal Zerg" who gained a massive following or "pack" of forum trolls by false miracles brought upon him by Allah's Holy Will; This monstrosity comes from the planet where Darwinism takes Steroids and, before he met Kerrigan, had to basically relive The Hunger Games on a daily basis. He was however saved from this horrible fate by Kerrigan and has joined in her Jihad against the now risen Xel'Naga Amon (oh yeah, spoilers btw) and in return for his services him and his "pack" are rewarded with "Essence".

Protoss

  • Tassadar: Somehow magically survives after pwning the Overmind by crashing his Carrier onto it, retconning and ruining the entire ending of StarCraft 1. Not only does he become a force ghost or some shit like that, no ... he literally tells Zeratul that the Overmind was a noble creature with good intentions. WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED?! (Worth noting how the Overmind is somewhat shaped like a vagina and the Carrier shaped like a vibrating egg.). Used only as a deus ex machina.
  • Zeratul: Once a mysterious, world travelling being of incredible knowledge that was capable of permabanning Zerg Zerebrats, now has become an emo that brings "cryptic" messages of the NWO (Xel'Naga) being around to ruin your shit. Regularly gets his blue ass kicked by Kerrigan.
  • Salendris: THE first Protoss with tits (sort of) to appear in games, who rides around in a giant Carrier, which doesn't do anything useful. She probably needed more room for kitchen inventory. Fulfills the sick fuck dreams of fanboys, who do nothing but fap to aliens.

Factions

Terrans

Zerg

  • Zerg Swarm: Led by Sarah Dindu Nuffin Kerrigan, she strives to free the zerg from Amon's blood curse.
  • Primal zerg: Original zerg that weren't corrupted by the demonic powers of Amon. Can magically evolve over a matter of minutes.

Protoss

  • Daelaam: Unified Protoss government of the Khalai, Nerazim, the Purifiers, and some Tal'darim.

Amon

  • Hybrids: A super powerful race of zerg/protoss hybrids that consist of two different units and no structures or buildings.
  • Moebius Foundation: Blue pilled brainwashed humans controlled by Amon.

Units

Terran units

Terrans in StarCraft 2 (unlike in StarCraft 1) are regarded as the most OP race ever, mostly due to the use of mules, eventhough it can easily be cancelled out by forcing the player to use the scan ability.

  • SCV - The black pilots with the southern drawl have been replaced by middle-aged white janitors this time around. SCVs yell "They took our jobs!" when you drop in mules.
  • Marine - Prisoners, which are used in battle , after being drilled into big ass armor. They'll rape anything when massed early in a match. Similar to StarCraft 1, except that rather than upgrading it's range like in SC1, you can give them a stupid-looking shield that adds 15 hp to them.
  • Reaper - Douchebags with jetpacks and Uzis. Can quickly destroy just about any building in the early game. Useless later on, except against noobs.
  • Marauder - Nigras armed with RPGs and steel plated armor. This is what most Protoss noobs bitch about. Build as many of these as you can.
  • Ghost - Can be used to launch a useless nuclear missile at the enemy (Press SPACEBAR to find location of cloaked ghost). Most hated by Protoss players for it's EMP ability (even though the old EMP removed ALL shields).
  • Hellion - Hicks in recon buggies with flamethrowers. SC1 pros constantly bitch about the removal of spider mines.
  • Siege Tank - The only reason to be Terran. Remember, units that can't see up cliffs cant shoot up cliffs.
  • Thor - An overpriced Goliath with a novelty Schwarzenegger impression that gets old really fucking fast. You can piss people off if you build nothing but Thors and have all your SCV's auto-repair them.
  • Viking- The ONLY useful AA unit in the Terran arsenal. Be sure to build a fuckton of these. Otherwise you'll lose the game.
  • Banshee - Unlike the Wraith in StarCraft 1, this aircraft isn't complete shit against ground units. Use these to destroy expansions.
  • Raven - A completely useless flying Terran robot that detects shit, but moves slow as fuck. Erects sentries turrets; use these kinds of units troll people in masters by spamming turrets in their bases. Unit portrait is a secluded futuristic basement dweller.
  • Battlecruiser - Unlike in StarCraft 1, you cant kite with this shit anymore. It also says stupid shit like "IT'S A TRAP".
  • Supply Depot - Metallic carpeting which you are required to build or else you get "Supply Blocked".
  • Medivac - Women weren't meant for the battlefield, and yet they put them behind the controls of planes made out of paper-mache. They use some automated handjob-beam, so the Medics don't have to do all the hard work anymore like in SC1. Just build these with a fuckton of maruaders and marines to win.
  • Hellbat - A hellion which can stand upright and assrape any worker unit that gets near it. Does absolutely nothing against anything else. It's only use is to completely fuck over your opponents economy.
  • Widow Mine - A cheap and effective way to troll your opponents. They're the only Terran unit which can burrow, making them invisible without detection and shoot missiles which blow the holy fuck out of anything and everything that gets too close to them. Mass them outside the enemy's main base for maximum lulz.

Campaign only units - Blizzard decided, like the Jews that they are, that some units are too OP and gay to be put in Multiplayer.

  • Firebat - Burns everything that is within two centimeters of the unit. Most Firebats are known to be criminals, but were released like OJ and forced in the military.
  • Stripper - Medic - Blizzard decided that the only way to make Medivacs more useless than a Zergling, was to create a ground medic that could barely heal a unit more than .01 health a minute.
  • Diamondback - A vehicle that has twin-railguns and designed for hit-and-run tactics because it's the ONLY unit in the entire universe that can shoot back while it's moving. This would be good, if it wasn't for the fact that it has paper-mache armor and it moves like a god damn heavy tank, making it's abilities redundant.
  • Warhound - The only unit which gives Terran players even a slight possibility of winning. Of course Blizzard saw this and decided to make it unusable. The only time it's ever seen is in the HotS campaign, and even then you're fighting against and not with them

Protoss units

You will win all the time as Protoss, if you don't have a brain hemorrhage and/or something impaling your asshole, that jabs at your spinal cord. Also, this seems to be the only race you play as when you choose Random.

The units that matter

  • Probe - From it's name,you'll know that it's used to fuck your opponents in the ass. Use a single probe to build assimilators on your opponents vespine geysers or build a secret base in the back of his territory.
  • Void Ray - Guaranteed win as a Protoss player, if you focus all resources on spamming this shit. The most fucking OP unit ever. Basically, the ray's lazor continues to rack up in damage as it continues to focus on whatever it's attacking, so basically, if your opponent can't stop it in 4 seconds or less, anything that they're giving a mean look is raped beyond hope. Attacks are also artillery range, so even static anti-air defenses can't touch it. Now the only thing that could have possibly had a chance of stopping void rays without committing a ridiculous amount of forces were the shitty Terran Wraiths, who could cloak and annoy the fuck out of the entire attack force, but Blizzard saw this, and so restricted the Wraith to Single-player.
  • Warp Prism - When combined with 7 warp gates, you can instantly spam the fuck out of an enemy with Zealots, Stalkers and Dark Templars.

Shit you must build at least 50 of to win the game

  • Zealot - Same boring rush unit for the same boring players, except it can now be upgraded with a new commando pro ability.
  • Stalker - This is the exact same thing as the cryptfiend from WarCraft 3. However, unlike them, these are hit & run assholes that can teleport around like complete spazzers. If you're not a Korean, you might aswell give up trying to fight or control these things.
  • Dark Templar - Same as the original one. Use these to cum on your enemies from the shadows and surprise buttsecks their economy, since no one buys chastity belts anymore. They spread fascist subliminal messages saying that beer is a illusion.
  • High Templar - One of the best protoss units nobody ever uses. Should be used to shoop-da-whoop enemy units, but it fails horribly.
  • Archon - What happens when one Templar has surprise buttsecks with another. Unlike the original, this one can be formed by interracial sex. Should be used as a back-up in case you fuck up with Templars (100% chance), but it fails even more.
  • Colossus - Design stolen from War of the Worlds. It's so fucking tall that it can be shot by AA units. Use it to assfuck Zerg players, since it fires twin AoE lazor beams that fries anything killed by it.
  • Immortal - A dragoon on steroids, with a hard ass fucking shield and cannons that eats anything expensive and large for lunch. Cannot attack air units, despite the fact that the pilot can aim his cannons into the air.
  • Phoenix - A corsair that can spin. Use it's gravity beam ability to lift off SCVs and troll Terrans.
  • Carrier - A giant gold egg that shits kamikaze robots. Completely useless, considering the Void Ray does twice as much damage AND is a bit cheaper. It only exists to confuse the fuck out of AA units that aren't microed.

Zerg units

Unlike in StarCraft 1 where the Zerg were nigh unstoppable, the Zerg in StarCraft 2 play like complete shit on 80% of the maps. You must also spawn larva every 40 seconds in order to not fail. Everything is living and is practically cheap and disposable, like Mexicans. Note that the only attack units you will really need is the Zergling, Baneling, Roach, Mutalisk, and to a lesser extent: the Broodlord; picking other ones means you will automatically lose.

  • Queen - Wastes your time and energy.You keep them in the base to make babies. If you're not clicking these and spawning larva 30 seconds,you are guaranteed to lose.
  • Overlord - SPAWN MOAR OVERLOARDS.
  • Drone - The same zerg bug that you can sacrifice to have it grow into a tentacle dildo.
  • Zerg RushZergling - The only way one could possibly rush. The other races can't create shit by the time you have 6 zerglings.
    • Baneling - An Arabian evolution of the Zergling. Basically, these zerglings evolved into an obese fuck, that can't attack anyone anymore with claws, but instead sprays corrosive acid to anyone nearby when it detonates, like a suicide bomber.
  • Roach - Shit units, can only attack ground units despite having ranged attacks. Butthurt from the enemy ensues when you have them burrow. Also, for some reason it really annoys people when you rush with exactly 7 of them within the first 5 minutes or so.
  • Hydralisk - Once the iconic backbone units of the Zerg army able to strike both land and air yet remain incredibly cheap, they were reduced into fucking irrelevance by making them require a Lair yet still retaining their base stats: in other words, spend over 300 minerals to get what essentially amounts to overpriced Marines.
  • Ultralisk - Worthless. Sure it's tough as fuck, but it's so fucking slow that it gets murdered by massed units. It's also expensive. Use these to lose or if you really hate yourself and your time.
  • Mutalisks - God-tier, spam for ultimate aerial assfuck. Sending over a Zergling-Mutalisk spam attack force will cause hilarity of a grand scale.
  • Infestor - Another addition to the Zerg trolling arsenel. Sneak them into the enemy's base and spawn an entire platoon of Infested Marines, who contracted Zerg AIDS. Alternatively, play against a Protoss who has no idea how to play, use Neural Parasite on one of his probes, build an entirely protoss-zerg army, and use it to win. Bonus points if he calls you hacker and demands to know "HOW YUO GET ALL THE CLASSeS".
    • Overseer - An evolution of the Overlord that grants detection, because it's just not fair for anyone to have 20 or so, roving detectors which don't take up control resource. The thing's avatar looks like a vagina.
  • Broodlords - Rains endless butthurt on ground units, is as useless as a bar of soap against anything in the air. Additional trolling for the lulzy Muta-Zergling rush force.
  • Viper - A huge dragonfly that is only useful for trolling. Building these for any other reason is gauranteed to send you all the way back to Bronze League. It has the ability to drag enemy units towards itself. It also is able to ejaculate all over the enemy, blinding them and reducing their range to melee. It used to have an attack before the faggots at Battle.net slapped their dicks on their keyboards to say it was "OMG2OPPLZNERF".
  • Swarm Host - This ugly hunk of Herpes was formerly supposed to be a movable turret used to give the Zerg better defensive capabilities. That is before those asinine faggots over at Battle.net decided to complain about it; now all it can do is bury itself in the dirt and shit out babies every few seconds, just like Latinos

Multiplayer

Strategies

Truth

The Terran way: Marine Marauder Medivac

MM is a Cheese in which the a Terran player attacks another player very early with one or two Marauders and two or three marines.

MMM is a Strategy used if the MM did lot lead to an early victory. The Terran player will then mass Marines, Marauders and two to four Medivacs and then attack.

The Protoss way: Spamming

To win as protoss simply do the following..

  1. Build a gateway
  2. Build a fuckton of probes
  3. Build a cybernetics core,research warp gates
  4. Build a fuckton of gateways (at least 7),upgrade all of them into warpgates.
  5. Either build a pylon behind enemy lines,or deploy a warp prism in their base.
  6. Use the warp gates to Spam the fuck out of the army with instantly built units.

Alternatively, if you want it the hard yet still lulzy way:

  1. Keep building the things you need until a Stargate is unlocked.
  2. Build around 2-4 Stargates
  3. Build only Void Rays.
  4. Build moar
  5. Moar I say.
  6. If you have atleast 20 of them, you're almost there. Stop when you've at least obtained double, or if possible, triple that amount.
  7. Add a couple of Phoenix fighters to truly troll anti-air units, Carriers to screw around with the air defenses, or Observers to annoy cloaked anti-airs, if you can spare the resources and Psi anyway.
  8. If you still have your cybernetics core, upgrade air weapons to Tier 3. Screw the armor mods, you won't need it.
  9. Send the entire fleet of rays towards your target's base and watch him devote truly retarded amounts of firepower to kill your rape force. For laughs, have probes build Photon cannons at the location where you're attacking, it's bound to cause even more rage since now, he's fucked on two fronts.

The general rule

[((Cheese(Strategy)) / (Skill + Effort)]*100 = Winning Chance

The Numerator stands for the player using a certain Cheese and Strategy.

The Denominator stands for the Skill and Effort put in by the opposing player.


When coming up with theories for strategies, players always assume both players are of equal skill.

According to the Starcraft formula for Winning Chance, the MMM will always win.

[((10(10)) / ((50 + 50)]*100 = [(100) / (100)]*100 = [1]*100 = 100%


Strategist have been working around the clock in order to find a strategy that can [cure|counter] the MMM when both players are of equal skill. Sadly they have yet to be found.

Here are some examples on how these meetings usually occur.

Strategist 1: I will make Banelings and sneak attack them.

Strategist 2: But then you get MM.


Strategist 1: I will block my ramp with Sentries until I can build Colossus.

Strategist 2: But then you get MM.


Strategist 1: I won't be late for work if I skip breakfast.

Strategist 2: But then you get MM.

How to Win in Multiplayer

If you feel like a complete douche bag, you can build an unrealistic nuclear missile and launch it at your enemies, feeling like a complete badass, but really you're just some stupid azn kid who wastes their time building fake ass missiles in an RTS game that doesn't do shit I'm butthurt.

Zerg must now spawn larva every 40 seconds to survive.

How to make someone rage in multiplayer? Produce Banelings!

Battle.net 2.0

Massive butthurt was experienced by the community over battle.net 2.0 which removed useless features like LAN and chatrooms. New features in Battle.net 2.0 include...

Removed features include..

  • Passworded games
  • Chatrooms <--In SC1,these were only used for pedo baiting,spam,and hacks anyway,so it's good that these are now gone.
  • Game titles <--Game titles are for faggots who want NO RUSH 30 MINUTE games.

Ranked Playlist

1 vs 1 (you are forever alone on this one)

  • Terran: marine mass and attack with all of your scvs at the 4:30 mark and watch the lulz happen.
  • Zerg: zerg rush, you know what happens.
  • Protoss: cannon rush as fast as you can.

2 vs 2 (you and your azn friend must attack together to win)

  • Terran (both players): marine mass and attack with all scvs at 4:30 mark.
  • Terran and Zerg: marine mass and attack with all scvs; roach rush.
  • Terran and Protoss: marine mass and attack with scvs; cannon rush to bring lulz.
  • Zerg (both players) : zerg rush
  • Zerg and Protoss: zerg rush and make speedlings, also make Arabian lings too; cannon rush.
  • Protoss (both players): cannon rush or cannon rush and zealot rush.

3 vs 3 (you and your fuck-buddies must rush together to win)

  • Terran (all players): marine mass and attack with all scvs at 4:30 mark.
  • Terran, Terran, Zerg: both must marine mass and attack with all scvs; roach rush.
  • Terran, Terran Protoss: both must marine mass and attack with scvs; cannon rush to bring lulz.
  • Zerg (all players) : zerg rush
  • Zerg, Zerg, Terran: both must zerg rush and make speedlings, also make Arabian lings too; marine mass and attack with all scvs.
  • Zerg, Zerg, Protoss: both must zerg rush and make speedlings, also make Arabian lings too; cannon rush.
  • Protoss (all players): cannon rush or cannon rush and zealot rush.
  • Protoss, Protoss, Terran: cannon rush or cannon rush and zealot rush; marine mass and attack with all scvs.
  • Protoss, Protoss, Zerg: cannon rush or cannon rush and zealot rush; zerg rush and make speedlings, also make Arabian lings too.
  • Terran, Zerg, Protoss: marine mass and attack with all scvs, roach rush or zerg rush, and cannon rush; this will bring epic lulz.

4 vs 4 (your basement dweller party has risen from the shadows; work together to win)

  • To avoid spam, look at the tactics above.

FFA (never trust anyone to help you win)

  • all races: camp, mass units, and attack til the moment when an neighboring enemy has their base defenseless.

How To Troll In SC2

There is a variety of ways to troll with the SC2 community, but let's start off small in the game.

To troll in quick match

1. Play a match and start destroying your allies' workers; expect lulz to happen. 2. If you are Terran, Planetary Fortress Rush an enemy protoss player; they'll be screaming out FAG every second of the match. 3. Make a party and cheese your way to victory. 4. If you are Protoss, cannon rush those fags. 5. Zerg Rush!!!

Trolling StarCraft 2 fanboys

The easiest way to troll those fags is to imply that SC 2 is just SC 1 with better graphics. This works best if you use outdated information/screenshots from 2008. Like butthurt atheists or christfags, they will endlessly try to prove you wrong on the internet.

The many other ways to troll include....

  • Tell them Blizzard spent more money on advertising than on the actual game.
  • Post on the forums that the game needs heroes and items.
  • Say Company of Heroes/Supreme Commander is better.
  • Say Blizzard is splitting the game into THREE games that will cost $50 each.
  • Spoil the ending.
  • Tell them microing is complete bullshit. (don't call it micromanagement, this is to piss them off)
  • Whine on the forums to get "rushers" and people who "build assimilators on your vespine" banned.
  • Refer to StarCraft as a "clickfest" or "clicking competition" devoid of any strategy.
  • Saw "Oh wow blizzard spent $100 million dollars just to add better graphics, *facepalm*".
  • Say "It's the same damn game" OVER AND OVER AGAIN.
  • Refer to StarCraft 2 as StarCraft 1.5.
  • Say it's impossible to play online, without being pwnt by a korean player.
  • Call Protoss OP.
  • Say Starcraft 2 is a ripoff of Warhammer 40k. (Technically it is, Blizzard is still too lazy to be imaginative)(As if 40K isn't a ripoff of Starship Troopers and the entire sci-fi genre in general)
  • Refer to the trailers as cliche'd and as shallow as a Michael Bay film.
  • Say that being Korean makes you impossible to beat, and if you are Korean, endlessly rant how pro you are.
  • Ask them what happened to Samir Duran.
  • Make shit up, claim it requires a monthly subscription to play or cant be played offline, even in single player mode.
  • Advertise the newest maphack, placement match hack, or drophack on YouTube. This makes them rage the most.

Do not make it sound like you've done ANY research on StarCraft 2. Make as many baseless claims as you can!

Conventions

There have been a lot of conventions hosting that gay, piece of shit, garbage game known as FagCraft 2: Wings of Cock, and nerds from all over the world spend At least 100 dollars to see a five minute preview of that sad excuse of a game. When attending one of these gay cockfest conventions, you can find yourself surrounded by a bunch of 40 year old virgins and horny little Koreans that play dress up like it's fucking Halloween. You should avoid these gatherings at all costs, because nerdy fat bitches that can't get laid in the normal world are desperate to find "love" at the conventions and will have sex with as many nerds as possible (if they actually have the balls to touch another woman besides their own mothers), meaning that they probably have AIDS in their ass. They probably like to do some weird, crazy ass shit like 2 Girls 1 Cup.

YouTube

Months before the release of StarCraft 2, Youtube was Zerg rushed with waves of StarCraft 2 videos from the alpha and beta versions. This eventually gave way to the rise of many SC2 commentators on YouTube. Many SC2 commentators on youtube now clock over 9000 to as many as 200,000 subscribers. Luckily Youtube is now reducing the videos on the front page much in the way they did when Modern Warfare 2 was released.

After a chink executive was fired from their offices in China, a video leaked out from one of Blizzard's cutscene production companies showing the end of Heart of the Swarm. The quality was decent enough for a demo, and the voices sounded close, but it could have been an elaborate hoax; however as soon as copies were uploaded to YouTube, copyright claims by Activision took each one down within minutes. You can still see it here, so be sure to send it to every Starcraft fan that you know provided they lack the physical strength to do anything with their inevitable rage. In other words, all of them. In the end the sequence that was stolen proved to be real, except instead of cutting Mengsk's head off, Kerrigan just makes him blow up.


Amazon.com

Ever since the release of the $60 expansion pack Wings of Liberty. Amazon.com has been flooded with negative reviews filled with delicious fanboy tears about how their beloved franchise has been tainted with the cutting of certain features from the original Battlenet service such as:

  • Private channel support
  • Private game features missing
  • Named custom games
  • Regional server options

Among the other complaints were the price tag, the registrations and the painfully long installation time resulting in a great many lulz.

StarCraft 2 Tourneyfags

The forgotten truth
Generic korean progamer


As with Super Smash Brothers Brawl, there is a faction of SC2 fans that believes competitive gaming is more important than game quality. These people are mostly wapanese who masturbate to vods of their favorite pro-gamer. To them, the privilege of having to click every production building to create a single unit is as imperative to StarCraft 2's success as wave-dashing is to brawl's. Basically, being able to select multiple buildings (MBS) to create multiple units at the same time will ruin the game.

Two great sites for trolling SC2 tourneyfags are the official battle.net forums and the ultimate source for circle-jerking to professional Korean StarCraft gamers: The one-stop source for all things E-SPORTS

Trolling was simple before the game release. You simply made a thread saying that MBS and auto mining would make StarCraft 2 more competitive. Then you watched, as dozens of raging nerdgins (the formal term for a nerd who is also a virgin) teared the post apart, discussing the mechanics of human-eye coordination and bringing up quotes of professional gamers playing a pre-alpha build of StarCraft 2.








StarCraft 2 Is Serious Business

   
“ 		 

Real sports are for freaks.
 

„
  		 

—Prometheus4096 making fun of a bunch of fat WoW nerds that dared to question his athletic ability since he is much more competitive as a triathlete then as a Starcraft player.

   
“ 		 
Some people here hate esports. They are shown to be retarded and backward dinosaurs from the '70s.
  		„
  		 

—Incorrectly attributed to the apparently famous Prometheus4096.

   
“ 		 
And that's why you people shouldn't be allowed to post here in the first place. You laugh at the heart and soul of SC.
  		„
  		 

—Prometheus4096's reaction to someone saying it is ok that you only need 1.8 scvs to mine optimally instead of 2.5

   
“ 		 
Same with Thor and Mothership; superunits to appeal to the masses; the shallow casual gamer from the MTV & McDonalds generation.
  		„
  		 

—Prometheus4096, who also thinks using 'faggot' as an insult is a clear sign of homophobia.

   
“ 		 
The protoss music should outshine Beethoven's 9th at it's strong points.

Otherwise, I will be terribly disappointed
 

„
  		 

— Jesus Fucking Christ.

   
“ 		 
Im a nerd because I prefer sports over silly video games?
  		„
  		 

— Prometheus on why he likes StarCraft but not WoW.

   
“ 		 
IMO, every little micro counts as an advantage to the skilled player. If they continue to newb up SC2 it probably won't even be worth it. If worker units split automatically when going to a mineral patch, there will be nothing left in the game to control.
  		„
  		 

—Some uncreative encyclopediadramatica-user trying desperately to make fun of Prometheus4096.

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