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Warcraft 3
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WarCraft 3 was a real-time strategy game back when Asians thought it would be the next StarCraft, but then everyone realized it was shit and moved on. It became popular because of a custom map made by a 13-year-old boy, called DotA, which was specifically aimed at noobs and people that couldn't handle clicking more than one unit. The game was set in a typical high fantasy setting with fairies, elves and orcs circle-jerking each other for a bunch of trees, while a long-haired pussybitch whiteknight with daddy issues turns into a goth faggot and Satan invades the planet. Every texture looked the same and a custom map managed to get more popular than anything Blizzard ever developed, which is likely the reason why they won't touch the real-time strategy genre past Starcraft 2.
Blizzard realized they could continue to sell the expansion set for $40 once Azns discovered DotA, so all Korean internet cafes would have a copy that connected to Battle.net. Unfortunately for them, League of Legends and Dota 2 emerged, causing Blizzard to become so enraged over their lost profits that they attempted to sue Valve, create their own horrible spin-off, and eventually kill off custom map creation entirely by claiming the rights to every published map. They only succeeded with the third point and can now happily claim that "Revenge of the Niggers" is their property.
WarCraft 3 was successfully killed off in 2020 by Activision-Blizzard with the release of the "Reforged" edition, which is why we refer to it in past-tense.
WarCraft 3's Races
- Humans - White Man's Burden. Apparently Hitler's plan worked in this alternate universe as no niggers exist.
- Undead - Played by people who shop at Hot Topic because this race is EVIL AND SCARY. Made up of bones, flesh and bones sticking from flesh.
- Night Elf - N00bs with dr00ds. Military units comprise of women in thongs and nymphomaniac deer.
- Orcs - A bunch of green philistine retards living together without females in ghettos.
Main Characters
WarCraft 3 had a bunch of stereotypical protagonists and antagonists that you could find in any high fantasy creation:
- Arthas - Cracker paladin born with Down syndrome, made knight out of pity. He's set loose in the kingdom with a giant inflatable hammer, having Uther the Lightbitch as a caretaker. Uther dozes off for a minute, enough for Arthas to commit genocide on a town. After running away, he stumbles over a sword in a cave. He believes the sword is telling him to kill people. So he starts killing everyone, beginning with his bitch father. Afterwards he escapes to the North Pole, where he gets pwned.
- Jaina Proudmoore - Magician girl who sucks Arthas' dick at first, but eventually dumps him because he turned out to enjoy sodomizing the populous. Despite being the most powerful human sorcerer on Azeroth, she never does anything noteworthy, except fucking herself with a staff and occasionally forcing a puddle to come to life.
- Uther - Arthas' uncle, and teacher of... paladinry. Tries to stop him from becoming evil but gets pwned.
- Muradin Bronzebeard - A cookie-cutter dwarf who helped Arthas murder the innocent (and was later venerated as a hero); is accidentally killed by Arthas for no apparent reason and was so useless that he wasn't even resurrected.
- Thrall - Orc warchief who rides on a huge wolf and commands everyone. Seen as wimpy and pathetic by other Orcs because he ate Jaina's pussy and allied with the Humans.
- Grom Hellscream - Another serial killer Orc bitch who kills teh humans and then his own orc bretheren, because there weren't enough humans left.
- Illidan Stormrage - The secret gay crush of WC3 and WoW fanboys alike. Illidan is (somehow) a blind demon hunter who eventually becomes a demon himself, but sucks so bad at being one he gets captured by Blood Elves.
- Kael'Thas - The effeminate High Elf (later Blood Elf) prince who, after the Sunwell's corruption, ragequit Azeroth and went to a demon-infested wasteland to listen to MCR and write poetry.
- Sylvanas Windrunner - Beloved by necrophiles everywhere, this inappropriately-dressed High Elf ranger was raped to death by Arthas and then reanimated as a sex-doll. Eventually rebels by killing two dreadlords, enslaving a third, and almost killing Arthas in a PMS-induced rage. Survives into WoW where her storyline was butchered along with every other character.
- Kel-Thuzad - A necro
philemancer that gets killed and then revived by Arthas only to become his ass-slave throughout the whole Undead campaign. Serves absolutely no plot purpose other than a deus ex machina; occasionally giving Arthas a reason to go somewhere or saving his life from banshee queens. - Maiev Shadowsong - A permanently menstruating Night Elf feminazi who was supposed to keep Illidan imprisoned, fails, and then goes banaynay trying to kill him. Upon finally "doing" this ("doing" meaning "showing up at the last second and taking credit for the kill") she realises that, like all women; without her man she is hollow and worthless.
- Tyrande Whisperwind - Purple waste of space and priest who craves a threesome with Illidan and Malfurion. Almost dies at least 100 times, but being a priest is able to summon God or Allah or something to save her life. Is the racial leader of the Night Elves, despite being demonstrably incompetent in general (she was once almost killed by a small river and it took the most powerful druid who ever existed [see below] and an immensely powerful demon hunter just to fish her out).
- Malfurion Stormrage - King of the Furries and waifu of Tyrande. Supposedly important plot character yet incredibly forgettable. Saves the Night Elves' giant weed plantation by hitting a magic bong and summoning a swarm of UFOs or something.
The imaginative plot
WarCraft 3 also had a ZOMG SO AWESOME AND DEEP PLOT divided in four and a quarter parts:
1.) Human Campaign
- Arthas needs to kill Mal'ganis.
- He hears about the cursed sword of power.
- Muradin says that Arthas shouldn't touch the sword.
- Arthas takes the sword anyway, which kills Muradin and pwns Mal'ganis
- Tichondrius: "MWAHAHAHA YOU ARE NOW A FUCKING DEATH KNIGHT AND MY SLAVE"
2.) Undead Campaign
- Arthas wants to kill everyone in Lordaeron.
- The edgy motherfucker basically does that and calls in demons.
- Archimonde: "MWAHAHAHA I CAN DESTROY CITIES BY PLAYING WITH PHALUSSES MADE OUT OF SAND"
3.) Orc Campaign
- Grom needs to kill Kenarius.
- He hears about the cursed fountain of power.
- An Orc says that Grom shouldn't drink from the fountain.
- Grom drinks from the fountain anyway and kills Kenarius.
- Mannoroch: "MWAHAHAHA YOU ARE NOW A FUCKING FEL ORC AND MY SLAVE"
4.) Night Elf Campaign
- Illidan needs to kill Tichondrius.
- He hears about the cursed skull of power.
- Furion says that Illidan shouldn't touch the skull.
- Illidan takes the skull anyway and kills Tichondrius.
- Kil'jaden: "MWAHAHAHA YOU ARE NOW A FUCKING DEMON AND MY SLAVE"
- Suddenly Archimonde gets blown the fuck up by gay nightelf ghosts
The Frozen Throne
- Arthas becomes the Lich King. That's about it.
THE END?! We sure wish it had been...
Dramatic excerpt of the storyline
Arthas: Glad you could bake it, Uther.
Uther: Watch your tone with me, boy. You may be the waiter, but I'm still your superior as a chef.
Arthas: As if I could forget. Listen, Uther, there's something about the cake you should know.
Arthas: Oh no. It's too late. These muffins have all been overgrazed. They may look fine now, but it's a matter of time before they turn into paperweights.
Uther: What?
Arthas: This entire buffet must be purged.
Uther: How can you even consider that? There's got to be some other way.
Arthas: Damn it, Uther. As your future sous-chef I order you to purge this buffet.
Uther: You are not my sous-chef yet, boy. Nor would I obey that command if you were!
Arthas: Then I must consider this an act of work misconduct.
Uther: Misconduct? Have you lost your mind, Arthas?
Arthas: Have I? Lord Uther, by my right of succession and sovereignty of my spatula, I hereby relieve you from your command and suspend your chefs from service.
Jaina: Arthas, you can't just...
Arthas: It's done! Those of you who have the will to save this restaurant, follow me. The rest of you... get out of my sight.
Uther: You've just crossed a terrible union, Arthas
Arthas: Jaina?
Jaina: I'm sorry, Arthas. I can't watch you cook this.
Map Editor
After beating the game, most of the WC3 players began locking themselves up to create maps for their favorite game, since the Map Editor(TM) was so easy, any 13 year old boy could use it. Typical maps created using a Map Editor:
- DotA
- "Arthas vs Demons", "Archimonde's Return", "Super Anime Arena" and other bullshit shat by little children which contain overpowered heroes, no plot and massive amount of fail.
- "MY OWN SUPER COOL TD GAME", "1337|<||)2 Tower Defense" and other boring tower defense games noone plays.
- "Uther Party", "Warcraft Football", "Find The Killer" and other mini-game stuff as boring as TD ones.
Thanks to a invasion of third-party hosting bots, nobody will ever play anything but DotA again.
Experiencing WarCraft 3 Online
- Search the first automatic option, 1vs1 and get pwned.
- Switch to 4vs4, get owned and insulted by your allies.
- Discover custom games where you only have to control one unit.
- Become a DotA player.
OR
- Go back to 4vs4 and start becoming a classy teamkiller.
General Strategy or "How to Succeed in WarCraft 3"
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If you honestly still play this fucking game, here are some good ways to troll, best performed in 4v4 Random Team, where your allies will put up with more of your shit while they hold out hope that one of the four enemies is even worse. A few options exist for epic ræp and success in Battle.Net:
Human:
- Train Archmage and spend all remaining gold on Peasants. Use Call To Arms from Town Hall to turn them into Militia, gather them around your hero and teleport using Scroll of Town Portal to an ally's base. Select your horde and destroy their Town Hall. Use Blizzard on gold-gathering units for the lulz.
- Mass Gyrocopters; they cost 1 food and you can shit out about 80 of them. Proceed to pwn your enemy's air assault in anti-air splash glory but, while your teammates are in awe, teleport to an ally's base and rape their Town Hall.
- Mass Siege Engines and steamroll opponent's fortresses. Watch the flood of rage in chat.
- Train Sorceresses and Mortar Teams. Cast invisibility on Mortar Teams, walk into enemy base and SURPRISE! Also produces copious amounts of rage.
- Pick Human and mass towers at every gold mine. Spam riflemen for easy an easy win.
Orc:
- Pick Orc, train a Blademaster and right click your enemy's hero.
- Mass Bat Riders and use Unstable Concoction to kamikaze enemy air fleet.
- Mass Kodo Beasts and use Devour skill to eat enemy army.
- Mass Shaman and cast Bloodlust on Peons only.
Undead:
- Pick Undead, train Death knight, crypt fiends and a Lich every game.
- Train Necromancers, raise corpses.
- Mass Necromancers, raise corpses of dead Necromancers.
- Mass Ghouls, throw at enemy cannons, raise corpses with Necromancers.
- Have you trained Necromancers yet?
Night Elf:
- Pick Elf, train a Demon Hunter and train furries all game. Be sure to train bird furries to spam cyclone versus Orc players.
- Mass Moon Wells so your army never dies.
- Achieve Mountain Furry status.
- Get three friends and play a 4vs4 game where you all pick Night Elf. Everyone picks Keeper of the Grove as their first hero and chooses the Force of Nature skill. Gather all four Keepers, run to enemy base and turn their forest into Treants, basically destroying their entire wood income.
- Train Dryads and fap over hot deer tits.
After endless games against basement-dwellers, you might've climbed the WarCraft competitive rankings. However, Blizzard's planned obsolescence program made crash-hacks, win-hacks and gold hacks common. Your ELL would drop when half your games are 3 second fatal error matches that feed the ego of some brazilian hacker. Seriously, nobody gives a fuck about WarCraft 3's Ranked ladders anymore. The game is dead. Not even Blizzard wants to make a more modern port of this game on their new Battle.net.
Fun Facts about WarCraft III
- No one except DotA players gave a shit about it, because it was almost two decades old, before they decided to kill it off.
- It had one expansion pack which did nothing but put some bugs in the Arctic and set up the first two WoW expansions.
- This game was full of
ghetto 16 year old boysBrazilians playing the only game their shitty computers were able to run.
DotA
Moar info: DotA.
At any given time, DotA made up 99.33 (repeating) percent of the games being hosted on Battle.Net, making it the only game anyone would fucking play. This was because the player is given one unit to control instead of twenty four and a base, making it easier for ass-pies to play. The problem was that the DotA community had been comprised of the biggest fags on the face of this planet (and possibly others). Despite being a team game, wherein teamwork is required to eliminate the opposing team, killing anything could lead to the utmost heaps of butthurt and rage.
He'll totally haxxor your computers with his 1337 skillz. Of course, if you ever should back off to avoid kill stealing, your comrade will ultimately be bonestorm'd by the enemy, leading to similar levels of butthurt.
—moar Internet Tough Guy | ||
Those who play support heroes are too stupid to heal, tanks never buy enough armor and assassins suicide into towers. QED: Everyone who plays DotA is a fag. Big shocker.
WarCraft 3: Refunded
In 2019 the original WarCraft 3 was living through a silent Silver Age. All the DotA casuals were gone, updates removed the bot hosts and for the first time allowed for global game hosting. Only the very old players remained, soaring through ancient custom games that filled slow but steadily, like a cup of hot milk with honey in a cold rainy afternoon.
With small but cheerful communities that somehow survived, beacons of hope in the darkness, bringing players together under their warmth.
When "WarCraft 3 - Reforged" was announced, the hopeful dreamed of new maps and another golden age. A wishful revival of the gems of old, some of which had been lost, but not forgotten. The cautious wanted to be left alone, preserving last fires of a past age with their sheer presence. We all wanted WarCraft 3 but got oblivion instead.
Like empty halls of broken stone, chats lie dead and silent. Players disappeared, games stopped being updated, custom maps once brimming with life died in silent agony and despair.
And so, the music of the Silver Age was suddenly deafened by the thunderous clash of the hammer that reforged. And when its sound stopped, there was nothing but the void left by these melodies of splendor, and with it the end of an era arrived: the end of WarCraft 3.
External Links
A huge dump of W3 maps created using the Map Editor
See Also
- DotA - The mod that killed real-time strategy games.
- League of Legends - This monstrosity was directly spawned by WC3
- World of Warcraft - The MMO to kill all MMOs.
- Blizzard Entertainment - Moneywhoring sellouts that lost all their good developers in a jewcaust.
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Warcraft 3 is part of a series on Visit the Gaming Portal for complete coverage. |
