Colombia

Colombian president, Juan Manuel Santos

OH SHI-

Columbia Colombia or Culombia is another third-world country more in the northern jungle of South America. It used to belong to Spain but Spain got tired of putting up with all the niggers so it moved out.

Columbia is famous for its democracy as well as its coffee, tropical plants, and precious stones such as emeralds. Recently, a social and economic split was made with Venezuela, prompted by the ever tactful Venezuelan dictator Hugo Chavez. Some argue it was because of the newly elected president Juan Manuel Santos, who continued the regime of the previous right-wing president. Colombia hates commies.

Also, Last Thursday, America showed a stunning display of idiocy when the President's Secret-Service agents were caught abusing Colombian prostitutes' rights and freedoms by not paying them enough cash for Latin sex. Bastards.

Demographic

Those who live in Colombia (just like in America) have the opportunity to belong to a prosperous middle class.

The rest are either niggers, hookers or insanely wealthy mafia.

Politics

For over 9,000 dollars.

Badass motherfucker and typical Mexican Columbian drug lord, Pablo Escobar, and his gang ruled Columbia for many years before America shot him with a 9mm and then installed its own personal army of CIA-trained niggers to keep tabs on the rest of the continent. Ever grateful for the help, Colombia agreed to recompense America with whatever it could. Which is nothing.

The country is currently run by Juan Manuel Santos, who spends his time doing nothing, srsly angering Hugo Chavez, and frightening little children.

The leftist communists hate the government but love the now-underground cartel. Therefore, they are not only leftards but wealthy leftards, getting into politics just by bribing Conservative officials with their srs drug cash. How many votes they get depends on how many gs of rock the cartel manage to sell. They ram cocaine up their ass and run to their supposed enemy, capitalist America, for profit.

Fight with Chavez

bff

In mid-2010, Col00mbian spies (a.k.a. Americunts stationed there) ran to Washington with convincing pix depicting Col00mbian leftists hidden and cared for in Venezuela. Hugo Chavez was threw a fit and insisted that the shit was shooped.

In July, standing next to his best friend and soccer coach, Diego Maradona, Chavez announced Venezuela's split from former BFF Columbia. BAWWWW.

In the same month, he also dug up the 150-year-old grave of psycho Simon Bolivar and announced that he himself was the Reincarnation of the Liberator. He performed necrophilia on the bones as all of communist South America came.

Culture

"Brutal shit from Florida"

Despite selling coke to idiot Americunts, Columbians like to believe they are the Athens of South America, the most cultured society in the nigger-land. Obviously, they are all mafioso and batshit and will try anything: guro, drugs, furfaggotry, voodoo, and heavy metal. This is due in part to their crazy idealistic mentality, and partly because nigger culture promotes wicca and devil-worship. They are inclined to kill each other often over idealist shit and then go to confession and pray on their knees for forgiveness.

Columbian Nobel-prize winning author Gabriel Garcia Marquez wrote an entire novel about this cultural faggotry, which was featured in Oprah's Book Club.

Another classic contribution to the world is the "Columbian Necktie".

Religion

Culembia is 100% Catholic, and therefore most Cul0mbians worship the Pope. However the C0lumbian sect of Catholicism is slightly different from the rest of the world. The head bishop of Coolombia discovered that there is a part in the Bible that says that you can fuck your own mother or a donkey, or kill someone as long as you go to church.

Pastimes

Typical Colombian Columbian peasants.

To name the basics...

• Finding drugs
• Smuggling harmless materials
• Selling drugs
• Bribing
• Burro-fucking as seen here.
• Selling babies
• Killing babies and hiding cocaine in them
• Playing "Hide the Gringo"
• Having sex with donkeys (seriously)
• Murder by chainsaw
• Drinking aguardiente
• Bragging about García Márquez, Shakira, Juanes, Cumbia/Vallenato, coffee, emeralds, orchids, Columbian Spanish, and other stupid shit.
• Playing Parcheesi. No rly. There are no internets in Columbia.

Fucking donkeys is normal in Columbia

Famous Colombians

Sofia Vergara, whom you will never have.

These people have spread Colombian culture throughout the world.

• Pablo Escobar
• The Santo Domingo family
• Juan Valdez
• Gabriel Garcia Marquez
• Shakira
• Juanes
• John Leguizamo
• Fernando Botero, sculpts/draws only fatties
• Sofia Vergara
• Campo Elías Delgado, the most notable Colombian high scorer
• Nina Garcia, resident bitch of the TV show Project Runway.
• Andres Escobar, football player, NOT related to Pablo, who was murdered after scoring for the opposing team in '94
• Luis Alfredo Garavito a.k.a "The Beast" or "Goofy". A rapist and serial killer who admitted to be responsible for the rape and murder of 147 boys.

Common Columbian Occupations

Juan Valdez fantasizing about coffee drug $$

It is important to note how hardworking and dedicated C00lumbians are in their daily lives. Their contributions to society are invaluable and positively affect whichever culture they happen to encounter.

• Drug Baron
• Drug Dealer
• Drug Trafficker
• Drug Mule
• Drug Picker
• Drug Lab Worker
• Hitman
• Priest
• Whore
• Corrupt Government Official
• Paramilitary
• Guerrilla

"Betty La Fea" vs. "Ugly Betty"

The Culumbian Betty, unfuckable to fuckable

The Americunt Betty cannot be fixed

At least 100 years ago, C0lumbia made a retarded television series about an ugly woman named Betty. It would later gain popularity throughout an entire world of sad fucks and even leak into America and be turned into an Emmy-winning show for fat housewives, "Ugly Betty."

The original novela takes place in Culumbia's capital, Bogotá, where a fugly, horny nerd takes a job at a fashion designer's corporate office. She falls in love with her pussy boss and gets pwned when he goes along with it strictly for the lulz. Later, though, the moron ends up actually falling for her and a clusterfuck of Columbian drama is had. The end of this nonsense is supposed to be lulzy, but this show is made of fail and (srsly) stars stars only whores out for Columbian drug cash, sick fucks who screw ugly chicks for fun, faggot fashion-designers, and Betty's actually-retarded best friend/fuck buddy.

Unsurprisingly, a decade later, Americunts tried to recreate this shit and insert their infamous LGBT culture. They called their shit, "Ugly Betty," which is just the original title translated. The main difference between the original and the Americunt version is that "Betty" is now a Mexican fatty, which proves that in America, "Mexican and fat" automatically constitutes ugly. She also dresses like Mrs. Weasley in the Harry Potter films. And, she doesn't fuck her loser boss, but instead remains a psuedo-lesbian virgin and dies alone.

Emmy's were won.

The 2012 Secret-Service Prostitute Scandal

Dania, whom you will *also* never have (unless you have $800).

In 2012 Obama and his crew hit Colombia's infamous Cartagena for a political meeting with South and Central American leaders. One night (while Hillary Clinton was busy getting drunk in some bar, like, literally) an expensive whore managed to trick a dumbfuck American Secret-Service agent into paying her $800 cash for a night of Latin sex. He didn't know what the hell she was saying. When the moron awoke the next morning, hungover, the hooker demanded her $$. He threw her thirty fucking dollars.

Like a respectable prostitute, she politely argued that $30 was not what had been agreed upon.

	“	I tell him, 'Baby, my cash money!'	„
	—Dania the prostitute, staying calm and classy.

Then the Secret-Service stupid fuck apparently threw a fucking tantrum and innocent Dania got the cops involved. The Colombian cops insisted the man pay Dania her well-earned blowjob money then be on his way. Prostitution is a legal and respectable profession in Colombia, we'll have you know. But, before they could go back to their normal routine of smoking weed and counting how much blood money they've acquired they realized the Americunt was an Agent.

The Feds were then called.

America, as always, came out looking like the clusterfuck of idiots that it is and Dania got paid a lot more money than just $800 to be interviewed by the press and have her tits be on the cover of the Jew York Times.

The news is still talking about this stupid story and have now apparently realized that the men protecting their beloved Black Jesus are a bunch of assholes who never matured from college:

"Party's Over," says Faux News: [2]

Fifa World Cup 2014

Colombian team breathing confidence in.

In 2014, after 16 years of failing miserably in qualifying to the world diving faggotry tournament, the Colombian soccer team finally made it and went to Brazil to compete, expecting they would have some sort of home advantage as Colombia and Brazil share the condition of being tropical hellbound shitholes full of violence, poverty and death.

Nonetheless, rather than receiving accolades for their football skills, the "cafeteros" were reminded by the rest of the world, the real reason of why they are really famous. Lulz ensued as colombian media and expatriates (who abandon the country as they try to escape the low quality of life and violence) bawwwed about how foreigners state the obvious.

Aussie Comedians about Colombian important contributions to the world Triumph the insulting dog trolling colombian soccer fans Previous Video | Next Video

Anyway, their participation was an epic fail as they were eventually defeated by the local team, who won because they already bribed FIFA for hosting and winning the cup. Unfortunately for them, the Germans did not get along with the ruse, and the brazilians were raped in a lulzy game by a 7-1 score.

See also

A Dutch beaufiful UNICEF Goodwill Ambassador gving some insight about Colombia on twitter.

• Poverty
• Political corruption
• Hugo Chavez
• Conservative
• Liberal
• Leftard
• Venezuela
• Ecuador
• Argentina
• Brazil
• Peru
• Uruguay