Ladder Theory

A theory that lets people of low social value feel better about themselves by outlining silly shit about relationships that they need diagrams to understand. Given the premise that at least 100% of these theorists are also virgins, they conclude that all women are whores and that's why they are fat and alone.

It was devised by Dallas Lynn, shortly after he hit the 300lb mark and first written out on a McDonald's napkin while he finished off his third Double Quarter Pounder with cheese and a couple of baby asprin for the referred pains that were running down his left arm and in the left side of his jaw.

The THEORY

Ladder theory consists of several related points, called Lemmas because it sounds less revealing than bullshit:

• Lemma 1: Every time they meet a person, they rate their fuckability on a "ladder" system. The more doable a person is, the higher they are on the ladder.
• Lemma 2: Women rate men entirely on the man's social value, while men base their ratings on boobs.
• Lemma 3: Women have two ladders, while men only have one. This is because women are evil, greedy harpies who like to hoard all the ladders for themselves.
• Lemma 4: All women are whores.
• Lemma 5: All women are whores.
• Lemma 6: All women are whores.
• Lemma 7: OH GOD I'M SO ALONE :(

The theory goes on to state how women will often claim to value a sense of humor, sensitivity, and things of that nature, when searching for a prospective partner. Of course, it's common knowledge that this is a filthy lie, as everyone knows that women only like popular, loud assholes and/or wifebeaters who have lots of money and large penises. These credits to humanity are placed on the woman's "good ladder", while the sensitive nice guy who offers his eternal devotion is placed on the "friends ladder" and never gets pussy, evar.

Lusers who take the ladder theory as serious business therefore think that the purpose of life is to ascend to an alpha male and have sex with higher and higher caliber women, climbing to the top of the so-called "good ladder". This makes it hurt moar when they die alone.

Note that if the slut is willing to look past size for wealth they are golddiggers, but if they prefer size to wealth they are whores.

Pie charts make everything scientific

This pie chart illustrates the differences between how men and women rate potential partners.

How To Troll Ladder Theory

Ladder Theorists are pitifully easy to troll. Where they were once obsessed with worshipping women on a pedestal, now that they've seen the light, they've replaced their "she can do no wrong" mindset with a "she can never do right" mentality. Ladder Theorists fap all day to their theories and science of dating, and challenging their worldview is much like arguing with an atheist: The IRL truth of his luserdom doesn't hurt him because it's the fault of the whores that no-one likes him.

The easiest way to create lulz/drama at the forum is to first off, be a woman, plain and simple.

1. Create a troll account with a girly name, like sweetpeach23 or verloren or sunny6969loli. Don't use an avatar at first.
2. Challenge the theory. You can be mean or even be polite- if you've challenged it or asked a question at all, you're guaranteed 10 replies on why you're an idiot.
3. Post in Off Topic, anything at all. If you start a thread there, they hate you, because intellectual whores has been a yes-man circle jerk for the past five years, even among its few female members who are worshipped as wise women; and Off Topic, unlike any other forum in the world, is supposed to be an elitist whiner playground that you're not allowed in.
4. Inevitably, you'll be questioned as to whether you are a girl or not. Just say yes.
5. Then you'll be harassed to post pics. Wait a day or three.
6. Then you'll be threatened with the banhammer if you don't post pics because for all their talk and science of pick up artistry to counter the almighty Ladder Theory, they're still not quite sure what tits look like. Seriously, the longer you go mentioning that you're female without posting pics, the harder their blue balls will throb.
7. Post pics of some random ass slut from mySpace.
8. Receive IMs from several sleazy desperate users including half the mods.
9. ????
10. PROFIT!

Other useful trolling tips:

• They keep their own in-house trolls, including a very unfunny one named Jose Bonero, a spam bot that poses as a 43 year old pedophile. You can mimic its bot posts by simply quoting any post, "fixing" the post to something raunchy involving buttsecks or rusty trombones, and punctuating it with the :shock: BBS smiley. None of the in-house trolls are funny, so if you're funny, you'll be banned for competing with them which is somewhat lulzy.
• If you don't take a topic seriously in the non-Off Topic forum sections, you will be railed on for 10+ posts, often 4 or 5 pages' worth. Particularly since you have a vagina, you must be the scum of the earth. Ladder Theory is Serious Business.
• They believe you more if you write on your tits, "DIE FAGS AT IWFORUMS" in grape jelly before you take the marginally SFW pic of yourself to post. There are plenty of pics like that floating around on teh internets, but making your own is just as fun and guarantees more PMs the first week, not to mention the mods keep an archive of all the tits ever posted on the forum to wank to, so if you pluck one from an existing source, they'll know you're bullshitting because they have the evidence. If you don't have tits, you should definitely write the same message with a Sharpie on your rock hard cock and post it, weeks after claiming to be a chick.
• Plan to be bored with them after a week or two when you realize they're easy to piss off, but not royally, and that they take themselves entirely too seriously and are anti-lulz.

See Also

• Slut
• Nice Guys
• Friend Zone

External links

• The Ladder Theory homepage.

Ladder Theory is part of a series on Sex Visit the Sex Portal for complete coverage.