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Christian Humber Reloaded
Christian Humber was a sad, pathetic loser, with no friends, as well as a weeaboo and gamer, who was addicted to anime and video games. Finally his parents decided to put a stop to his faggotry and took away his cartoons and computer games. With all his hobbies gone, Christian sat down and wrote what is probably the most stupid and deranged piece of fanfiction ever made. Some bullies from school found it and posted it online under the name "Grandma Serflak" with the description simply stating:
When Christian found out about this he told his mom and dad, who told the school, who made the kids publicly apologize. But the damage was already done.
Christian Humber: Reloaded
The Story
The story begins with a worlf named Blade/Vash, whose parents were killed by hunters, he and his brother were kidnapped by scientists to be experimented on, his brother dies and he gets super powers and kills everyone. Over the course of the story he gains magic powers, super sayian powers, demon, robot, vampire and psychic powers that make him already stronger than god within the first few chapters, and goes off to kill anyone and everyone he meets.
The story reads like someone dumped a bunch of DBZ mangas and tabletop gaming instruction manuals into a paper shredder and posted the results. The main hero is the most awesomely over-powered Mary Sue ever created. He is magically transported from place to place by portals that open with no prior warning or explanation, where he gains new powers, murders innocent people and acts totally hardcore. There is no explanation as to what setting, time period, universe or even genera the story is, and the "hero" goes around killing crowds of blameless people and sometimes even entire states. He also has about 50 magic swords, magic guns and a magic dragon that is 60,000 feet long and 9,000 feet wide and can control the seasons, although throughout the entire 121 chapter story this ability never comes into play even once. On his journey he meets licensed characters, makes friends, kills his friends, kills the cops who are at first after him for no reason until he starts murdering them, and acts out an all around insane wish fulfilled fantasy that only a pathetic nerd with no friends could imagine.
List Of Skills And Powers Blade/Vash Inexplicably Posses
Over the course of the story "Vash" displays a verity of skills without any explanation of where he acquired them. This is a partial list:
- Swordplay
- Gunplay.
- Martial Arts.
- The ability to fly
- The ability to change from a wolf to a human being
- Driving cars
- Piloting planes
- Piloting spaceships
- Piloting giant robots
- Going Super-Sayin (his spelling)
- Healing people with ice
- Super strength
- Super speed
- Teleportation
- Telepathy
- Assassination skills
- Hacking
- Defusing bombs
- Knocking down buildings with one kick
- Killing entire armies with one hit
And the list goes on.
List Of Things Christian Humber ripped off
Like all autistics, Christin is also obsessed with a bunch of children's toys and cartoons. This causes the works of people like CWC and lazerbot to be a derivative mess of nonsense, just like this story. Throughout the fanfic Christian can't take two steps without running into a character or plot element from some other established franchise. Here is an incomplete list of things he shamelessly rips off:
- Wolf's Rain
- Gundam
- Starcraft
- Dawn Of War
- Zoids
- Halo
- Bionicle
- Inuyasha
- Sonic The Hedgehog
- Dragon Ball Z
- Trigun
- Final Fantasy
- Final Fantasy Unlimited
- Final Fantasy X
- Mega Man X
- The Matrix
- Doom
- Outlaw Star
- Kingdom Hearts
- Prince Of Persia
- Street Sharks
- Hellsing
And much, much more
Christian Humber: The Webcomic
Eventually some SA goons found this masterpiece and decided to adapt it into a webcomic. They set up a site with the entire story copied onto it, assembled a revolving roster of artist, and even made a fucking game!. Much lulz were had when Christian's parents found out about the website and asked the creator to stop making the comic. Sadly he agreed.
-
Hitler and sonic... Er, I mean, not sonic. -
HE ALMOST SAID THE F WORD!!! -
Blade being a true hero. -
He has never met these people before.
-
FUCK SCHOOL!!!!! -
How?... HOW?! -
... amazing. -
wtf is going on even? -
NOT SONIC!! IT'S "SPIN"!!! IT'S NOT SONIC!!! -
... what? why? -
He called him a ****** !!! HOW DARE HE!? -
boo hoo... -
?!?!?!??!! -
-
HAY UGLY!!!1 -
MOAR
Quotes
Here are some choice quotes from the story:
— I don't know... yes? | ||
Previous Quote | Next Quote
Videos
And some videos:
Previous Video | Next Video
Experiment 117
Last Thursday another story by Christian was discovered. This time, having learned nothing from his last endeavor, he actually posted it himself. Under the alias "Gambit007" he opened a Deviantart account and posted yet another crime against literature, which was soon discovered by trolls and caused him to delete all traces of it yet again, this time without finishing.
Luckily, one brave hero was able to adapt the new story into a sort of internet radio drama before it was deleted.
From this audio recording it is easy to see that this story was almost the exact same one as the last one. Instead of a wolf, Christian's self-insert is this time a Lucario who, just like in the last story, is kidnapped by scientists within the first two paragraphs and is exiled from his clan. Again, exactly like in the previous story.
"Experiment 117" starts off as a blatant rip off of the first Pokemon movie, and its plot goes as follows: A lucrio is abducted by men in white coats, given a silver armor and destroys the lab in which he is held. He then gets sucked into a portal that came our of nowhere, meets the Egyptian god of death, inherits his powers, becomes immortal, fights Mewtwo and merges with him. With his newfound powers he goes... somewhere (there is no explanation of where he is), absorbs some guy and takes his human form (again, like in the previous story) and clothes. After that he gets more chains and leather clothes that according to the description make him sound like he dressed up like a gay street prostitute in the 80's. He then discovers music and the internet, and after listening to all the music on the internet, he illegally downloads the kind he likes and goes off to murder more people in the street.
The story ends with him going back to his village to kill everyone, meeting a girl he likes and taking her to hell with him. Sadly, the story abruptly ends before it can get to the inevitable sex scene, that would have undoubtedly been hilarious.
Christian Humber: The Drinking Game
The drinking game is very simple. Get yourself a bottle of vodka, tequila or any other kind of hard liquor you enjoy, and read the story. Take a shot every time one of the things on the list below happens. Keep going until you feel you can't go on. Then scroll down to the bottom of the list for instructions. ... Maybe you should get two bottles.
- Take a shot every time a portal opens with no explanation and takes Blade somewhere.
- Take a shot every time a portal opens with no explanation and something or someone falls out of it.
- Take a shot every time Christian uses a number with more than three zeros in it.
- Take a shot every time Blade gets a new super power.
- Take a shot every time Blade powers up with a super power.
- Take another shot if Blade simultaneously powers up with more than one power.
- Take a shot for each individual power he simultaneously uses.
- Take another shot if Blade simultaneously powers up with more than one power.
- Take a shot every time Blade kills someone for no reason (you might need another bottle).
- Another one if he kills an entire army with one shot.
- Take a shot every time a character is introduced who's name it is impossible to pronounce.
- Take a shot every time he meets a character or gets an object from another established franchise.
- Take another one if the character or plot device is a poorly disguised rip off.
- Take one more if it is disguised by changing a single letter in it's name.
- Take another one if the character or plot device is a poorly disguised rip off.
- Take a shot every time Christian informs us that a long period of time has just magically passed.
- Take a shot every time a new character is introduced with no prior explanation, and the story acts like we are just supposed to know who this is.
- Take a shot every time he gets a new sword.
- One more if he combines the two swords into one super sword.
- Take a shot every time his amazing, unbreakable sword brakes.
- Take a shot every time Blade uses a skill without ever learning it.
- Take a shot every time Blade punches someone with no reason.
- Take a shot every time Blade insults someone for no reason.
- One more if he calls this person "Ugly".
- Take a shot every time he fights or kills a major historical figure.
- Take a shot every time someone who is dead is suddenly alive again with no explanation.
- Take another shot if he kills this person again.
- Take a third shot if it's a person he has "finally killed for the final time" in the past.
- Down the entire bottle if this person reappears again within moments, only to be "killed for the final time" again.
- Take a third shot if it's a person he has "finally killed for the final time" in the past.
- Take another shot if he kills this person again.
- Take a shot every time Blade is paralyzed.
- Take a shot every time Blade says a cuss-word.
- Take two if he almost says it.
- A third one if he almost says it, but then says it anyway moments later.
- Take two if he almost says it.
- Take a shot every time Blade is kidnapped by scientists.
- Take another shot is he kills them and destroys the lab (again).
- Take a shot every time something happens that is so stupid it makes you facepalm.
Post your result and call an ambulance.
See Also
- My Immortal - The female counterpart of this.
- Peter Chimaera
- Squirrelking
- David Gonterman
- SomethingAwful
- FanFiction
- AIDS
Links
Audiobook -
