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Garchomp
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Warning! Article contains severe amounts of butthurt. Viewer discretion is advised. |
Lord of all cunts and personal pet of JAWSUS, Garchomp is the epitome of rage amongst Pokéfags. It is quite possibly the single most rage-inducing motherfucker in the metagame, among other things. Known for its extremely overpowered Attack stat and near lack of weaknesses, Garchomp is quite possibly the most overused of all Dragon-types.
The Shitstorm Appears
Hailing from a land of desolate terrain and poverty, Garchomp was the hell-wrought omen of destruction for all. It was said to bring with it death and destruction (complete with a sandstorm for some reason). Garchomp's rise to popularity began with its introduction by the pedophile blonde bimbo champ of the Sinnoh Region, and continued with introductions of stats and strategies by the fags on Smogon. Needless to say, its addition was a heralding of butthurt and clusterfucks of newfags wanting to finally break off that losing streak that had been haunting them since they descended into the faggotry that was Pokémon.
Note: Because Smogfags hate Garchomp with a passion, the best way to troll Smogfags is to use Garchomp in a Pokémon battle
Digging In Deep
Chronicling the buttfuckery of Garchomp would be a daunting task, with no visible end to the long lists of extreme fail.
So here are the condensed versions.
Introduction
Garchomp was brought in when the Pokémon: Diamond and Pearl games hit the shelves of game stores around the world. This fucker wasn't seen at any point before the champion battle; where you face your fate against pedo-MILF Cynthia.
Garchomp was notable for its possession of all-around great attacks and an ungodly amount of Speed, capable of raping entire teams faster than a sysop's deletion of an ED article. Nothing but Level 100's could ever hope to destroy this unstoppable force; though, even this was a slim chance. Here's the thing:
This fucker, along with all the other overpowered party members on the champion's team, has an IV of 31. In non-Pokéfag, it means that all of your possible tricks to beat this motherfucker were null. Even with your best Ice-type, by which the nigger would be left rolling on the floor in ass-bleeding agony, it still outsped all of your shit and claimed its territory for the good of the lulz.
Quite frankly, there was almost no way to stop this unless the inevitable Dragon Rush missed; allowing you your Ice Beam critical for great justice.
After Smogonfags were tired of always being raped in the ass by Garchomp in every wifi battle, they moved Garchomp to the Uber tier due to baw.
Post-Sinnoh
After the release of the post-Sinnoh Gen IV games, Garchomp began an overused metagame meme; "Once you go Garchomp, you never come back". Then, all hell broke loose over the arguments between the two factions:
"LOLOL!!1 N0Ez SALLERMENSE K1CKS GAYCH0MPS F@GG0T ASS!" "LOL N0, GARCHOMP R@PES UR MOMZ!"
Quite the contrary, both are wrong; as both Salamence and Garchomp fucking suck against the extremely agile Froslass.
Afterwards, the bullshit spread to Smogon; who had long since established "Tiers" and shit for Pokémon. Seriously, who cares about this shit anyways?
Black/White and Beyond
Once Black and White came into play, the once revered Dragon-type fell from grace by the introduction of two even MORE lethal Dragons: Hax0rus and Hydreigon.
The first of which sports an even more fuck awesome Attack than the Godzilla-Jaws abomination, and didn't puss out when hit by Ice moves. Plus, along with its ability to defy all fucking logic and hit you with all of its excessive might with its ability Mold Breaker, it sported two axes on its fucking JAWS. I think all non-furfaggots will agree: Axes > Shark Teeth.
The second of which spurred an even larget shitstorm, the likes of which never seen before in Pokémon games. This stemmed from the final battle of Black and White; where you are pitted against Plasma's leader Ghetsis. No, it wasn't the rape of your team; as Drei covered all of its weaknesses with its arsenal of powerhouse techniques. No, it wasn't its extremely high Speed, allowing it to rain down hell upon your party like Pedobear to loli ass. No... It was because of its fucking underlevelled state of 54!!11!1oneone
Garchomp could never compare to the epitome of jizz-inducing lulz these two excreted upon release. Trust me, it can't.
The Return
Garchomp made its great comeback in the Black and White post-game challenge with, GASP, the same blonde bitch from the previous generation! The horror! And, surprisingly, the battle was marginally harder; with the addition of the Pokémon Eelektross to her team of overpowered drones. Quite frankly, the eel posed more of a threat than the old chap. Getting soft are we, Garchomp? Shame.
As if that weren't enough, Giovanni was given one to freely abuse in Black 2 and White 2's World Tournament...
Out of the Ashes
Last Thursday, Pokemon XY were released, introducing a new type to pwn dragons: fairies, which were fully prepared to take none of the dragons' shit. Garchomp entered this generation prepared for war, armed with a new Mega Evolution to fight the new Jigglypuff, cotton candy, and jingling key menaces. Despite the obvious efforts to nerf dragons, Game Freak smiled upon Garchomp and basically made it what Mewtwo was in Red and Blue, but slower and harder hitting. Our scaly friend will need all of the help he can get to punish the Clefairy heathens. Godspeed, Garchomp. Godspeed.
Rule 34
Quite possibly the most horrific display of immorality ever to grace this earth. This is posted by one of two people; the daring lulz warrior, searching the webz for these pics to surprise some unsuspecting newfag with; or the basement-dwelling sickfucks who wank their shit to it.
The Gallery
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Sinnoh Threesome -
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Round 2 -
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Behind closed doors -
See Also
- Smogon University - Main source of Garchomp hatred
- FYIAD
- Cynthia
- Singing Shark
- Sharking
 Garchomp is part of a series on Pokémon [Who’s that Pokémon?] | |||||||
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Garchomp is part of a series on Visit the Gaming Portal for complete coverage. |
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Garchomp is part of a series on Visit the Trolls Portal for complete coverage. |
