Baroness Warsi

Baroness Sadaama Hussain Warsi, Sheriff of Dewsbury, professional Pakistani and former Chairman of “Dave"’s New Conservative Party, is the sort of ghastly patronising, sour-faced Asian woman of a certain age that makes Jewish and Italian mothers look relaxed.

First female terrorist to be allowed to stand as an MP for the Conservative Party, she moulded her image from that of podgy Islamic housewife to stroppy Yorkshire mill owner so successfully that David “Dave” Cameron was able to dispatch huge swatches of the country to BNP control without even trying. “My father's success led me to adopting Conservative principles”, she explained, although it’s doubtful that her father played on his novelty value as an Asian woman to screw lots of money out of poor people.

In July 2014, while attending a Cabinet meeting, she shouted "ALLAHU ACKBAR!!!" and detonated her suicide chastity belt, which contained over 9,000 pounds of semtex, ball-bearings and dildos, in an attempt to assassinate David Cameron.

However, when the smoke cleared, the smarmy cunt was still alive and well.

A smoking suicide note found at the scene said she had done it out of ~~hatred of Jewland and religiously-inspired sympathy for her fellow sand niggers~~ disappoint at Dave's policy on Gaza.

However, many Whitehall observers suspect a conspiracy by shadowy high-level Tories was behind her premature detonation.

There’s no arse in Warsi

What are Warsi’s beliefs? Some are directly in line with Islamic teaching.

Some of her 2005 campaign leaflets claimed that Labour's lowering of the homosexual age of consent from 18 to 16 (under the Sexual Offences (Amendment) Act 2000) was "allowing schoolchildren to be propositioned for homosexual relationships", and that homosexuality was being peddled to children as young as seven in schools. On being asked about this after she’s become famous she said “Jesus! Did I really say that? I was on crack at the time and I now believe that there should be no sex education on schools of any sort, especially for girls.”

She went on record saying that people who back the British National Party (BNP), may even have a point. "They have some very legitimate views. People who say 'we are concerned about crime and justice in our communities – we are concerned about immigration in our communities'". On being challenged on this Nick Griffin, BNP Leader, said “At first I was pleased. I’d assumed that since Saddama was from West Yorkshire she merely had overdone it at the tanning salon and was a genuine Aryan at the core.”

On 30 November 2009 she was pelted with eggs by a group of Muslims whilst on a walkabout in Luton; the protesters accused her of not being a proper Muslim and of supporting the death of Muslims in Afghanistan. Baroness Warsi told the BBC that the men were "idiots who did not understand a value of eggs at the time when the Conservatives are driving the country into a double dip recession.”

When a Tory MP tried to ban women from wearing burkas in public in 2010, she said that wearing a burka does not limit women from engaging in everyday life. “Limiting women from engaging in everyday life is the job of every good Muslim husband, burka or no burka,” she smirked.

In September 2010 during the visit of Pope Benedict XVI to England and Scotland, Baroness Warsi said the Labour government appeared to have viewed religion as "essentially a rather quaint relic of our pre-industrial history. They were also too suspicious of faith's potential for contributing to society - behind every faith-based charity, they sensed the whiff of conversion and exclusivity," she said. "And because of these prejudices they didn't create policies to unleash the positive power of faith in our society.” She then attempted to blow up the Pope in retaliation for the Fourth Crusade using a home-made suicide vest that failed to work properly.

In October 2010, she explained electoral fraud in Asian constituencies by saying that the people concerned had learned cheating in Pakistan and it was part of “Dave’s” ‘Big Multinational Society’ which encouraged amateurs to run the government and all associated services however they felt like.

Warsi explains Islam without shouting or trying to sell sari material

Genuinely not an episode of Parks and Recreation.

Warsi does sex on TV

Not as erotic as it sounds.

Warsi’s future

The betting odds at Ladbroke’s as of October 2010 are as follows;

Burnt to death in the kitchen 10/1
Sacked for being a moron 20/1
First female Asian Conservative Prime Minister 10000/1
Drowned by her own body oil 3/1

Resignation

On Tuesday, 5th of August, 2014, Baroness Warsi ragequit from Parliament over David 'Just Call Me Dave' Cameron's position on the Gaza conflict. Turns out, she supports terrorists. A British Asian supporting terrorism, eh? Who'da thunk?

It is interesting to note, however, at the time that Baroness Warsi resigned in protest at the actions of Israel in Gaza, the Israeli Defence Force had actually already started pulling their troops out of the Gaza Strip, rendering her resignation ultimately pointless. Indeed, some might question why such a senior and high ranking member of the political elite would throw away her prestigious and high-earning job over a situation that was already over by the time she turned in her notice, leading some to believe that Baroness Warsi might have had ulterior motives for wanting to suddenly leave parliament and that she was just using feigned moral indignation over the whole Israel/Palestine thing as a cover for something more sinister.

In any case, the Tory party do not seem to be sad to see her go and as we speak, government aides are going around her office to get it ready for her replacement, opening all the windows to get the stench of shit and curry out.