Mitt Romney

This article needs moar lulz and muckraking.
You can help by adding moar lulz and muckraking.

Willard Fucktard Romney (better known as "Mitt") is an American businessman and android who is in the process of buying the office of President of the United States. As soon as the check clears, he'll have the nigger evicted and restore America to its old embarrassing shitkicking self. Basically sometime in early 2012, the Republican Party realized that all their favorite candidates were too stupid and corrupt to even beat a black guy, so they settled on a Mormon android with no personality or convictions. Seeing as the majority of Americans hate Barack Hussein Obama for reasons both real and imagined (mostly imagined), Romney should have little difficulty in becoming the nation's first non-human president. The only problem is that Romney is a Mormon, and thus believes that when he dies, he and his wives will inherit a planet in outer space, where they will have endless celestial sex and bear many space children. Mitt Romney is for giving laptops to people and giving away free college. Why? For the lulz. In related news, Romney has been the subject of many flame wars on Republican blogs for flip-flops on abortion. He is loved by such Republican fags as Mann Coulter, Rush Limbaugh, and Sean Hannity, even though he introduced a universal healthcare bill in his state that was identical to Obama's. But let's be honest, it was okay 'cause he ain't no nigger. Did we mention that he's a motherfucking MORMON?!!! No seriously, he's a goddamn MORMON!!!

Proof Romney is nothing but a Republican puppet.

Mr. & Mrs. Mitt Romney in a casual moment, modeling their stylish special Mormon underwear.

Olympics

Mitt Romney is the guy who organized the 2002 Winter Olympics in Mormonland. In other words, you were able to watch 13 year olds prance around the ice because of him. Mitt Romney is strongly opposed, however, to any forms of child exploitation, just like many of his colleagues. Mitt said he learned a lot from the experience that inspired him to be a politician, such as "how to kick all the other countries' asses by exploiting the lives of America's youth and rub it in their faces later".

2012 Nomination

After running a shitty failure of a campaign in 2008, Romney returned to the political scene in 2011 to prove to the American people that even a faggot liberal Mormon is better than a black guy running the country. Unfortunately Romney forgot that Republicans (and people in general) still did not like him and he watched for several months as political trolls Michele Bachmann, Newt Gingrich, and Rick Santorum all got more votes than him. Eventually the NASCAR fans, child rapists, and business criminals who make up the GOP realized that Romney was their only hope to beat President Porch Monkey and they agreed to give him the nomination under the condition that he keep his magic underwear and other batshit beliefs to himself. As President he has promised to be both for and against abortion, gay marriage, and Obamacare. There has been much speculation as to whom Romney will choose as his running mate. Obviously he won't pick one with a vagina because that didn't work out so well last time. Some possibilities include: Noted fat fuck and governor of New Jersey, Chris Christie, neoconservative beaner Marco Rubio, and homosexual Christfag Rick Santorum.

Controversy

A homeless Vietnam veteran has claimed that current presidential candidate Mitt Romney had oral sex with him in exchange for food, blankets and ‘hugs’ in the winter of 1994, the Canadian media reported today. Ron Whitecastle, now 63, says that Romney ‘would show-up in the alley all coked-up and offer bags of hamburgers to let him suck us off'. Experts say that closet homosexuals often resort to acts of intimacy with strangers of poor reputation in order to exercise their sexual urges without interference with their public life. "He would ask for reciprocation but I refused," says Whitecastle. "He also liked being slapped while he was doing his thing. He really got into it." The effects of this information on the upcoming US presidential primary elections is not yet known and neither the Romney nor the McCain campaigns have commented.^[^{sauce plz!?!1!}^]