Registration has been disabled and the moderation extension has been turned off.
Contact an admin on Discord or EDF if you want an account. Also fuck bots.

Blastoise

From Encyclopedia Dramatica
This is an old revision of this page, as edited by imported>Green Blockhead at 13:01, 6 September 2013. It may differ significantly from the current revision.
Jump to navigationJump to search

Blastoise is own, and the higher level ones have powers that surpass even the mudkips.

Blastoise and his 2 pussy pre-evolutions.

Things would be different round here if Blastoise was my dad...

Card Text

Blastoise evolves from Wartortle.

Symbolism

This Pokémon may be steeped in symbolism (but it isn't), even more so than any other Pokémon. Blastoise as a meme came about after a miraculous post on the very popular image board 4chan (see gallery below) but the knobeye who made this article forgot to include this vital piece of information. The "evolution" of a childish, often rebellious form of life into a being with a hard outer shell, aggressive attitude, thick-ass tail and rotund belly may be directly correlated with the growth of teenage females into the hardheaded, fat-ass, aggro bitches known as "women". Observe the powerful lactation in female Blastoises from both barrels. For cereal. So just get the fuck out of his WAAAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Blastoise IRL

Blastoise is a firm ally in the fight for lulz. He tricked the jews into doing 9/11 not only because the WTC was believed to be a stronghold of anti-lulz at the time, but also because the elimination of a group of people just for their heathenish beliefs is a fun thing to do. Blastoise also killed Tom Cruise in an epic battle, only to see Cruise revived by L. Ron Hubbard. Once given new life, Cruise proceeded to banish Blastoise to the netherworld.

Recently Blastoise has been spotted in a small village called Kaster in Belgium. He was reported to be roaming around at night and has currently raped and murdered 65 men. Police are baffled to the point that they believe it is a man dressed up as Blastoise but we all know Blastoise is taking a well deserved ass-kicking vacation. [1]

Card History

It is the second most rare and powerful piece of cardboard crap in existence, the first having been shotgun mouthwash. There are only a few said to be still in existence. Blastoise causes great things to happen. Hillary Clinton has read many books about the use of the Blastoise cards and may plan to use it during the next election against Cheryl Lindsey Seelhoff if she bitches too much.

As you can see here, the child instantly realizes the danger he is in. But it's too late. He is instantly thrust from screams of terror to fits of manic laughter as the deadly force that is Blastoise consumes him. He instantly becomes a fag. Notice the child's uncanny resemblance to Daxflame.

Mega Blastoise

Last Thursday, GameFreak revealed this awe-inspiring image to the world. News about X and Y was slow... too slow, but then THIS THING, along with it's two homies, got a Mega Evolution - a new mechanic that allows Pokemon to transform temporarily during battle.

Look at this motherfucker. It's Blastoise. But you better shit your fucking pants, because Blastoise just mega-evolved into MEGA-MOTHER-FUCKING BLASTOISE!!!1!! Remember when he had two cannons on his shell? NOW, HE HAS TWO ON HIS ARMS AND ONE BIG GIANT FUCKING CANNON ON HIS SHELL!!! IT'S LIKE A POKEYMANZ WITH GUNZ!!!! HOLY SHIT!!!!!!

So do yourself a favor, and evolve your nigger Blastoise into Mega Blastoise should you ever use him in a battle. Because he will FUCK. YOUR. SHIT. UP.

And don't think for a second that Mega Blastoise is an easy piece of work. He has two other homeboys that now have Mega evolutions, and they will equally fuck you up. But who cares about them, Mega Blastoise is where it's at. He just went DOUBLE NIGGER and you better run while you still can.


Gallery

[Collapse GalleryExpand Gallery]

See Also


 

Blastoise
is part of a series on Pokémon

[Gotta catch ’em all!Who’s that Pokémon?]
 
A FUCKING POKEMON
Abra
 
Aggron
Aggron
 
Alakazam
Alakazam
 
Bidoof
Bidoof
 
Blastoise
Blastoise
 
Braixen
Braixen
 
Charizard
Charizard
 
Cloyster
Cloyster
 
Ditto
Ditto
 
Empoleon
Empoleon
 
Empoleon
Espeon
 
Garchomp
Garchomp
 
Gardevoir
Gardevoir
 
Hypno
Hypno
 
Jynx
Jynx
 
Jigglypuff
Jigglypuff
 
Kadabra
Kadabra
 
It's a Kirby, retard
Kirby
 
Koffing
Koffing
 
Lanturn
Lanturn
 
Cunnilingus
Lickitung
 
Lopunny
Lopunny
 
Lucario
Lucario
 
Lugia
Lugia
 
Metapod
Metapod
 
Mewtwo
Mewtwo
 
Mistystuffer
Misty
 
Mudkip
Mudkip
 
Twitch Plays Pokemon
Omanyte
 
Pikaman
Pikaman
 
Pokemon Go
Pokémon Go
 
Swirlface
Poliwhirl
 
Porygon
Porygon
 
Primeape
Primeape
 
Probopass
Probopass
 
JustinRPG
Reshiram
 
Riolu
Riolu
 
FUCK_YEAH_SEAKING
Seaking
 
Shaymin
Shaymin
 
Shiny Pidgey
Shiny Pidgey
 
Slowpoke
Slowpoke
 
Smugleaf
Smugleaf
 
Snorlax
Snorlax
 
Snover
Snover
 
Squirtle
Squirtle
 
Suicune
Suicune
 
Vileplume
Vileplume
 
Xatu
Xatu
 
Zoroark
Zoroark
 

Blastoise is part of a series on

Television

Visit the Television Portal for complete coverage.