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Blastoise
Blastoise is own, and the higher level ones have powers that surpass even the mudkips.
Things would be different round here if Blastoise was my dad...
Card Text
Blastoise evolves from Wartortle.
- Pokémon Power: Chocolate Rain Dance: As often as you like during your turn, dance around like you're having a seizure and wave this fucking card to your opponent because he wishes he had one. This power can not be used if you are Asleep, Confused, or Paralyzed.
- Shoop da Whoop: Does over 9000 hit points of damage.
- Dildo: Rapes you with his 2 giant cannons.
Symbolism
This Pokémon may be steeped in symbolism (but it isn't), even more so than any other Pokémon. Blastoise as a meme came about after a miraculous post on the very popular image board 4chan (see gallery below) but the knobeye who made this article forgot to include this vital piece of information. The "evolution" of a childish, often rebellious form of life into a being with a hard outer shell, aggressive attitude, thick-ass tail and rotund belly may be directly correlated with the growth of teenage females into the hardheaded, fat-ass, aggro bitches known as "women". Observe the powerful lactation in female Blastoises from both barrels. For cereal. So just get the fuck out of his WAAAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Blastoise IRL
Blastoise is a firm ally in the fight for lulz. He tricked the jews into doing 9/11 not only because the WTC was believed to be a stronghold of anti-lulz at the time, but also because the elimination of a group of people just for their heathenish beliefs is a fun thing to do. Blastoise also killed Tom Cruise in an epic battle, only to see Cruise revived by L. Ron Hubbard. Once given new life, Cruise proceeded to banish Blastoise to the netherworld.
Recently Blastoise has been spotted in a small village called Kaster in Belgium. He was reported to be roaming around at night and has currently raped and murdered 65 men. Police are baffled to the point that they believe it is a man dressed up as Blastoise but we all know Blastoise is taking a well deserved ass-kicking vacation. [1]
Card History
It is the second most rare and powerful piece of cardboard crap in existence, the first having been shotgun mouthwash. There are only a few said to be still in existence. Blastoise causes great things to happen. Hillary Clinton has read many books about the use of the Blastoise cards and may plan to use it during the next election against Cheryl Lindsey Seelhoff if she bitches too much.
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As you can see here, the child instantly realizes the danger he is in. But it's too late. He is instantly thrust from screams of terror to fits of manic laughter as the deadly force that is Blastoise consumes him. He instantly becomes a fag. Notice the child's uncanny resemblance to Daxflame.
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Rare screenshot of the card. -
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Now available in Lego form. -
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Ooooh lawdy, child, is dat sum Rule 34? -
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...And gets viciously anally raped. -
...And then, nine months later, gives birth to this hideous mutant offspring. -
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Behold the power! -
Blastoise, in his younger days. -
British PM, David Cameron has a Blastoise, which he deployed to great success during the 2011 London riots. -
Blastoise putting some niggers in their place. -
This faggot thought he was hot fuckin' shit, 'til he lost both his motherfucking eyes in a fight with a Blastoise. That'll fucking learn him. -
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Moar liek Blast-TITS, amirite? -
Why do I exist? -
See Also
 Blastoise is part of a series on Pokémon [Who’s that Pokémon?] | |||||||
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Blastoise is part of a series on Visit the Television Portal for complete coverage. |